I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Seems all I can do is see all the bad points of my life and for some reason it looks like they outweigh the good. I'm sitting here crying for no reason... or maybe it's all the reason. I don't know.

Money has me so stressed out. It's like whenever I feel like I have everything under control all these things happen and suddenly I'm out of money again. Molly needing to go to the vet, a speeding ticket, and now I have to pay $100 to register for classes. Just when I was going to go out and spend some money on myself, to get my hair done, something I've always really wanted to do... I can't. Because all these things are adding up. I just wanted to do something really nice for me. I never buy the expensive clothes because I feel bad, so I settle for the clothes that are only so so because they cost less. I dye my hair from a box because it costs less, even though it doesn't look as great. I buy generic body wash and vitamins. Just to save a little money but then I turn around and my birth control costs $75! It's like I can never win!

On top of it... I guess I feel kind of unloved. I know I've gotten myself so wrapped up in Dustin and marrying him and now I have all these impossibly standards. I just.... thought it would have happened by now. Every day I come home wondering if today will be the day... and then it's not. And I can't be pushy and I can't ask him and I have no control at all over the situation. But why doesn't he ask me? Is there something wrong with me? First I thought it would happen over spring break but that turned out to be a trip that didn't at all involve just the two of us. I kept thinking soon soon soon.... and it's turning into never never never. And then I asked him and he told me school had him stressed out and he didn't want to do it before finals. So then I thought after finals! But now he's starting a new class this week.... and it still hasn't happened. And all I can think is that maybe he doesn't love me anymore and maybe he doesn't want to ask me so now I'm sitting here crying and I'm going to look like hell for the rest of the day and I just want to get a fucking gun and shoot myself in the head and it's all my fault. I have never felt so unbelievably insecure in our relationship as I do right now. I thought he loved me. But now I'm not so sure.

And on top of it all I feel deserted by my friends. They're too busy, we miss each other's calls, I leave messages for them online that go completely unanswered. I could really use a friend right now but everyone seems to wrapped up in everything else. I'm being ditched for people I don't like..... I just hate it. I miss my friends and I really need advice but no one is ever around. I feel so alone. Everyone else has their perfect lives and I have a life that's falling apart.

I'm so sad. I'm so incredibly, heart breakingly sad. I just want to sit here and cry my entire heart out.