Let's face it. I don't like my body. And I've never really liked it. From the time I've hit puberty I have not liked my body. I don't like my tummy, I hate my thighs, there's this extra fatty skin near my underarms, and my lovehandles are anything but lovely. I know I shouldn't complain too much. At least my boobs are small enough to fit into a Vickie's bra now. I don't have a doublechin and I don't get out of breath when I go swimming or rollerblading, two of my favorite summertime activities. I can fit semi okay into my size 5 jeans although they're fitting more snuggly than usual and I have a feeling I should move up to 7's. But it could be worse.

However, I hate feeling unhealthy. I've gained about 9 pounds since last summer when I was down to 114 pounds. I know 123 pounds doesn't seem like much but keep in mind I'm only 5'1. And it's not as much about the weight as it's about how unhealthy I feel. Well, and my tummy, hehe.

So I've decided it's time to get healthy. I know I need to eat better although that doesn't feel like it's as much as a problem as my lack of exercise. When I lived in Winona I walked anywhere from 2 to 8 miles A DAY and that's not including walking to classes, meetings for Sigma, to meals... and up and down the stairs of Sheehan. Right now pretty much all the exercise I get is running around at work and walking to classes. Lame. So I'm going to start updating in my diary. I was thinking of keeping a separate diary, actually.

The new link for my Getting Healthy blog is under the travel section on my navigation bar. PLEASE go there, read it, and if I flub up YELL AT ME and if I do well PUSH ME FORWARD! Part of my problem is that I'm lazy and if I've got no one pushing me forward I kind of just sit around. So feel free to help me out *big smile*

Today was a pretty good day. I didn't get all that much accomplished... but these days I don't seem to be getting much accomplished. Actually... that's not totally true. I got all my job applications done and I HATE filling out job applications. But I really need to start getting SCHOOL stuff done, lol. My life is so psychotic sometimes, I need to get my priorities straight.

My geology test was the most killer of all three of my tests. Boo geology! Lewann was right, I should have been scared. But I will definitely be EXTREMELY prepared for our next test. SO THERE!

I ended up going to Rich's today. I did kind of want to talk to him about things... but I'm not there yet. I know I need to be honest. And it's not that I'm being dishonest by not saying anything. I'm just not ready yet. It's really funny with Rich. I feel closer to him than I ever have before. That both thrills me and... scares me a little bit. Only because I don't want to turn in psycho Krysten again so I'm worried about letting myself feel too soon. I'm not totally comfortable with holding myself back like this. And most of me feels ready. But there's still a little part that wants to make sure I'm stronger than I was. So I will wait. But I did go to Rich's today and it was good. He's so cute. Oh my gosh he is so cute. I have such a little girl crush on him, lol, I love it! I haven't had this kind of crush on someone in a VERY long time. I get all full of butterflies and I feel like such a dork. I love that feeling. I was SO jittery today. We were cuddled together and I swear I could not stop moving around. I felt 5 years old! He's making me feel so girlish, I don't know what it is. But I do like it. Anyway. We ran errands, lol. Kinda. We went to Subway, Caribou, Menard's, and Cub's. Lol, I would love to see Rich and me try to make a meal together. It'd be interesting. But probably cute. I'd get him into a food fight. And then I'd lick it off him.

OKAY! Enough of that!!

Shannon and James came over tonight and we had a good time. We went shopping for ingredients to make chicken florentine and REAL mashed potatoes. It was so funny because we did all our shopping and got back here... only to realize we forgot THE CHICKEN!!! Wow, we are SO smart, lol. So James and I ran back to the store while Shannon started on the potatoes. We had fun making dinner and being silly... then had more fun eating. Pictures were taken, hehe. Shannon was being so goofy and giggly which made me goofy and giggly. It was fun, I had a good time *smile* Thanks guys (well, guy and girl).

Okay... so I thought I'd clear things up. I know I sound REALLY bitter about Perkins. Part of me kind of is. I'm angry that I ended up being the bad guy in the whole Leah/Dustin situation. I guess I should just drop it, they aren't the kind of friends I have ever wanted for myself. But I hate knowing that I was lied to so many times on so many levels. I want to be a trusting person and I want to believe that people are good. But I keep meeting people like those two who keep proving to me that I should always be on my guard. And that sucks! It really just makes me not want to be at work because every time i see them or Loretta or Christina or Ali I just want to smack then and demand apologies. I mean, Randy's bad enough with his immaturity but that I could have dealt with. And the money sucked. But I don't like going into work and feeling like I'm being talked about behind my back. I didn't even have that in high school! And if people were talking in HS I had no idea. I just want the drama to stop, it makes me really angry. And I want people to stop lying to me. So if I sound like I'm totally bitter with work... it's not that. There are certain parts of my job and certain people I love. But no one deserves to have a job in which there's so much drama. So it's time I move on.

Anyway, the wine I had tonight made me sleepy so it's about that time. More soon!

Yesterday turned out to be a really good day after my tests were done. The tests... I don't know. The English one SUCKED, 10 essays and that class makes me feel stupid as it is. Or maybe it doesn't. I can never tell with a test, I'll think it's hard but I'll get it back to find out I aced it. So maybe I'm wrong. As for the stats test, it seemed REALLY EASY, so I either did AWESOME on it or I failed it completely. Eep!

Around 4:15 Lewann, Benji, and I met up in Hudson and went to Woodbury to collect applications. I had such a great time with those two. They're about the only two people I trust at Perkins anymore. Like I told them, I feel like I've been kicked out of the "cool clique." I mean, Leah, Ali, Dustin and I used to be tight. But then that whole blow up happened and suddenly I can barely stand to be around them and I know they're not fond of me. They're too busy drinking their livers to death and smoking pot. The funny thing is, I've never wanted to be part of the cool group. Those kind of people make me sick and they're never the kind of people that end up going anywhere in life. It was just good to talk with Lewann and Benji who feel the same way I do. I really don't mean to sound like a Woodbury snob but... I kind of feel like I'm better than people here. I kind of told that to Lewann and Benji and they agreed that they feel the same way. Benji has it the worst since he's a cook. He's got way too much class for those guys back there. Man I just feel good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way, it makes me feel less snobbish. I guess Rich was right. Most of the people at Perkins aren't the kind of people I want to be around.

So I have 10 applications to fill out. I'm going to turn them in on Sunday after I go rollerblading and then Lewann and I are heading to Hudson to grab tons of apps there. I'm praying I can find someplace because I don't know how much longer I can stand being at Perkins.

I just have to say that the funniest thing I have heard in a long time was Rich's scream last night when I was talking to him on the phone. He was pulling up to his grandma's house when his dad totally surprised him and hopped into the car. His scream was totally hilarious and I'm still getting a smile on my face as I think about it this morning. Thanks for the bit of amusement Rich!

Nada else is going on. Life is a little boring right now. I guess I'll have to wait till things pick up. More soon!

When I get ready in the morning I usually get totally off of what I'm doing and onto something I probably shouldn't be doing. This morning in the middle of ironing my shirt I decided I wanted to look through my senior yearbook. After reading what everyone wrote to me, I thought I'd share a few. I may or may not comment on them.

Krysten,
How you doing? It's been so cool this year getting to know you. Chemistry was so cool by taking carbon and hydrogen then all the other chemicals and mixing them together. Make raincoats and dancing gnomes a hit song. Keep the "Good Chemistry" alive. It's been fun. Hope we see each other this summer. Have fun at whatever you do.
Your Good Chemistry bud,
John Gavin

Okay... Good Chemistry. Crystal and I made friends with a few of the juniors in our chemistry class and instead of paying attention we all spent most of our class periods putting together our band Good Chemistry. We got the name because we were in chem and because our teacher's name was Mr. Good. Yeah... I don't miss that class.

Hey Chica, well high school is finally over! I wish you luck on whatever you do after school. I hope you marry Ben, 'cause it seems to me you adore him a lot. Have a great summer and be safe! I'll miss you.
Love,
Anna

LOL!!! OMFG! All I can say is MARRY BEN!!!! Wow, I must have been nuts is HS!

I wish you the best of luck in the years to come. Don't swear your parents... they can't be assholes forever. Alas, the boys will grow up eventually... not everyone can be as mature as I am. Good luck at Winona. Don't break too many hearts and above all... don't let anybody put it in you!
Always,
Ben

Wow. My parents continued to be asses for a good, long time after that signature. I had no good luck at Winona. I broke a whole one heart and.... well, I won't even comment about letting someone "put it in me." Ben really has a way with words!

Krysten,
-High Five- How are all your boys? How many dates do you have this weekend? 10? Isn't Susie so cool? Challberd... our dad... told us we can't get married until we are 26, will you fail at that? Hehe, jk. Sarah isn't innocent, huh? I just forgot everything! So yeah, hehe. I love all the movies that we watch in sign language. AHHHHH! I can't do this! I give up! So... you have to keep in touch and tell me all about your boys.
Have fun always,
Karin
PS. We need to get a huge orgie, hehe.

Wow.... all my boys, huh? Oh yeah, that's right, I was a dating whore my senior year. I went after random boys for the hell of it. Good times. Susie is what we called out ASL teacher... I can't even remember her real name. We HATED her, she was evil. And Mr. Challberg... had his for advanced English and it was a bunch of girls and one boy, so Challs was like our dad. Sad, I miss that class!

Krysten,
Remember Mrs. Leiffring in 7th grade? That was the best class. The sopranos rocked and the altos (with the exception of Elisa) sucked. Have fun at Winona and I'll see you at the reunions.
Erin
PS Remember the notebooks?
PPS Remember winning mock trial?
PPPS Remember all the PS's?

*Giggle* Oh man... Erin and I had ROCKY times throughout knowing each other but there were lots of inside jokes. Mrs. Leiffring... oh choir, it was interesting. Yes, I do remember all our note notebooks in 7th grade and getting busted for certain things we wrote. Winning mock trial was AWESOME... hell yeah I remember writing notes with a ZILLION PS's, hehe.

Krysten
8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th... some say that high school relationships don't last. Well I say that this one will. We've seen WAY more than our share of ups and downs. Some of the more recent downs have been from my bad choices. I apologize for that. I regret that I am missing almost an entire year of memories with you. But we have the rest of our lives to make up for it. Since I was an idiot, I'll let you live (you weren't published before you graduated). You are an amazing young woman with an awe inspiring talent for the written word.
Love and God bless
Patti

I find this the most interesting. Patti did ditch us all senior year because she was going through stuff. And she ditched us all summer. Then she tried to make a comeback fall of freshman year in college but she ended up only doing that with Elisa. Now when I see her she acts like she doesn't know me. So much for an apology. However, I'm not bitter, lol. I still have yet to be published and at the rate I'm going who knows if I ever will. I think she's taking my talent a little too far. Ah well.


I'm not including what certain people wrote, like Amber and Elisa, because they're too long, contain far too many inside jokes, and what they wrote is incredibly prescious to me. Reading through their words has made me realize how much I miss the closeness we had in high school. While I may have grown closer to others, I feel like I've pulled far away from certain people.

I don't know, maybe it's time to change that.

Time for classes. More soon!

I am SO SO SO SO SO EXCITED! At work today Hilary and I found out the news that Cindy's quitting. Cindy is one of the weekday morning ladies and that's going to fuck over Randy ROYALLY. And there are so many people that will be leaving soon due to graduating or internships or just being sick of the drama. I am part of group three. As soon as Cindy told us her news Hilary and I decided we need to get the fuck out of Perkins. The drama and the management's immaturity is just riduculous, not to mention that certain people are making me feel like a bad person. They make me angry and hateful and I don't like feeling that way. Plus, I'm not getting paid nearly enough. Sooooo, tomorrow after my classes Lewann and I, plus maybe Benji, are going job hunting in Woodbury. We're hitting up all the restaurants and hopefully I can find something right away. I'm sure I'll have to start out hosting first but hopefully I can work my way up to serving really fast. So keep your fingers crossed for me!

I have three tests this week, two tomorrow in English lit and statistics and one in Geology on Friday. It's just really stressful, I hate having all my tests at once because I feel like my brain is going to turn into mush. I guess I'm lucky because we don't have tests in org. comm. and only easy quizzes in astronomy but it doesn't help when all my other classes have tests one right after another. *yawn* I will be happy when this week is over, that is FOR SURE.

I'm excited about Friday because Shannon and James are coming here to have dinner and that should be lots of fun. Saturday is going to be very not fun because I work 8 hours and that will just make me sleepy. Then Sunday Shannon and I might go rollerblading and then I'm going to have a "me night" that night. I guess that means no seeing Rich this week which kinda blows because he's really starting to be an important person in my life again... but we're both just kind of busy.

It does suck to not be able to curl up in his arms, though. I was sitting at work on my break tonight and just daydreaming about how much I just want to be cuddled by Rich.... just sitting around watching a movie or something and cuddling. I also have things that I want to say to him that I haven't really had a chance to say yet and I'm kinda feeling like it's about that time. I've just been rolling things around in my head and there are things that Rich really deserves to hear, that he should have heard a really long time ago. I'm sure it'll come up soon enough.

Anyway, I should probably get together phone numbers and such for references for job hunting tomorrow, then my cheat sheet for stats (thank God he lets us have one or I'd be in trouble). More soon!

Okay, so I'm feeling a little better. Maybe I'm just tired from my long day of classes. Here's a survey because I'm bored and not feeling like going to bed.


Act your age: I do at times and I don't at times. I think it depends on who I'm with and how hyper I am. These days I act my age a lot more than I used to although I want to be one of those grown ups that can still be a kid when it's the right time. Sometimes you just have to remember what it's like to be 5 years old and innocent.


Boyfriend: Not at the moment, although I suppose you could say I have someone in mind. I'm just enjoying how things are going and just "chillin" and letting time run it's course. I do like the label, though. It's nice to say, "Yeah, the boyfriend and I are just having a chill night tonight." Lol, don't know why that's nice, just is.


Chore you hate: I really cannot stand dusting. In fact, I haven't dusted my bedroom since I moved in here. That's really, really gross. What I really want is a feather duster, then maybe I'd do it more. I just find it boring and time consuming and I am SO lazy these days. I guess I need to be less lazy.


Dad's name: Lawrence Michael Gautreaux


Essential make up item: Mascara and eyeliner. I like to make my eyes look big and I like to draw attention to them. Then again, I also like lipstick because I like to draw attention to my lips too, hehe. Maybe I just want to draw attention to my face in general.


Favorite actor: Oh gosh. I don't know. Johnny Depp, he's super yummy and he does really cool roles. I guess that's kind of it. I'm really liking Leo DiCaprio these days too, I suppose, now that he's out of the "teeny boppers love me" stage.


Gold or silver: I really like silver but I've been told that gold goes really well with my skin tone. I don't wear gold that often, just when I'm trying to look "adult" nice. You know, "look like your mom" kinda nice not, "look like my age" kinda nice. Gold just seems older. If that makes any sense...


Hometown: I was born in Streamwood, Illinois but to me my hometown will always be Bartlett, Illinois. It's where I spent most of my "childhood" and where I have the best memories of us kids being "up to no good" and just acting like crazy, carefree kids.


Instruments you play: I do not play a single instrument. I can play maybe two super easy songs on the keyboard but that's about all I can do as far as instrument playing is concerned. I just don't have the attention span to stick to something like that.


Job title: Hostess. But I do so much more than that. Sometimes I'm a busser, even though I get no recognition for it. Other times I'm practically a server although I don't make the tips. I'm also a "server apprentice" meaning I do all the dirty work, such as run drinks or gets pies or salads ready. AKA I'm "Super Hostess".


Kids: Not a one.


Living arrangements: Right now I live in a two bedroom, one and a half bathroom apartment with my roommate Emalyn. It's a pretty sweet deal and my roomie is super cool so that makes me happy. Definitely beats living with the folks.


Mom's name: Connie Jean Gautreaux (Gipson)


Number of people you've slept with: I have slept with a total of 3 people, one of which I completely regret now. I know you shouldn't regret things after the fact because at the time I thought things were cool. But I truly wish I would have taken the time to get to know what a jerk he is because I definitely would not have slept with him had I known his true personality. However, the other two, past and present, are damn good guys and you definitely can't regret that. Especially present.


Overnight hospital stays: I've only stayed overnight in a hospital twice. The first time was when I was 15 and had a horrible stomach ache that ended up meaning that I had to have my appendix out. That was not a fun experience. The second time was when I was 19 and had my breast reduction. Although the hospital stay was anything but fun and I was uncomfortable for about a month afterwards it was the best decision I have ever made.


Phobia: Oh gosh... heights. Not all heights... like, I love rollercoasters and being in huge, tall buildings. But anywhere in which I have the easy potential of falling off, such as on top of a mountain, scares the bejeezes out of me. Also, closed in spaces. Not elevatores but really small spaces, especially small, dark spaces.


Quote you like: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Suess


Religious affiliation: None, I don't really believe in orgazined religion.


Siblings: I have a younger brother who is 19, Ryan. He's cool now although up until fairly recently he was just an annoying little brother. I think around the time he got a girlfriend was when he started being cool. But sometimes he's still just my annoying little brother.


Time you wake up: It really depends on the day. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, if I go to classes, I wake up at 9:00 to be to my first class at 11:15. If I go to classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays I'm up at 6:58 (don't ask me why) to be at my first class by 9:05. And on the weekend I like to be up by 11, unless Randy has me working at noon when I'm up at 9:00.


Unique habit: Unique habit? I really don't think I have any? Anyone want to tell me if I've got a unique habit?


Vegetable you refuse to eat: Peas, they're nasty. And lettuce, it makes me feel like a bunny. I really don't like most vegetables, just carrots and cucumbers.


Worst habit: Hmm... I'm sure I have a lot of them. Not keeping my bathroom or my room clean. Not doing the dishes right away. I dunno...


X-rays you've had: My tummy... teeth... um, not really sure what else.


Yummy food you make: Hot dogs and potatoes are my personal best, hehe. Pancakes... I dunno, I'm not much of a cook right now.

Please please please please please don't let me get sick. The flu and mono are going around campus and I've been feeling a little under the weather today. My nose is semi stuffy, I'm tired, I feel a little pukey... and I really cannot get sick right now. I can't miss work, I can't miss classes, and there's no one to take care of me if I get really sick with the flu or mono. A cold is bad enough. The flu and mono are things that you get when there's someone to take care of you. PLEASE don't let me get sick!

I have a little secret to tell. I would say don't tell Rich but... he'll read this and then he'll know. And then I guess it won't be a secret anymore. But until he does read this it will be a secret. Yeah. Anyway, my secret. So Rich lent me a white button up shirt to use for my little photo shoot with Doug. Weeellllllll, I like sleeping in it. It's so comfy and I look so cute in it and it makes me happy. Rich, I promise before I give it back, which may not be for a very long time because, like I said, I like the shirt, I will wash and iron it.

I absolutely cannot stand posers. They are the worst kind of people in the world because they try way to hard to be like people that they don't even really want to be like... just to please those people who probably aren't even good people in the first place. I did the whole poser thing all fall because I, for some really messed up reason, wanted to be a townie. I wanted everyone I worked with to like me, I wanted to go to the bars every weekend.... I wanted that. Till I realized that A) I'm not a townie B) I don't want to be a townie and C) Townies around here, for the most part, are stupid. I had respect for a few certain people around here and one person in particular. This person seemed like the kind of person that doesn't just do what everyone else is doing, that actually wanted to go somewhere, that wanted to be bigger than the place that he was raised. I'm not saying this is a horrible town. But how can you only want to ever be in the town you were born in? It makes no sense. And now this person is walking around doing things that everyone else is doing despite that fact that he sat and badmouthed those bad habits only a few months ago. It's gross. He's drastically changed so much and it just makes me feel ill. I see him now and I wonder what it was that ever made me want to be his friend. He was the kind of guy that I hated when I was in high school. Because he isn't at all comfortable just being himself. And that's sad.

Has anyone else noticed that while February is the shortest month it feels like the longest? I feel like I've been stuck in February for FOREVER. Every February just bugs me. It's dismal. I know I shouldn't complain so much but this weather and the fact that I'm probably sick isn't making me feel very upbeat. That and the fact that I have 3 tests this week and haven't studied yet for any of them. Does school ever end because it really doesn't feel like it's ever going to end.

I'll end this entry now because all I'm doing is complaining about stuff. I'll write again when I'm in a better mood.

I can blog my pictures from my Flickr account to my blog. How great is that??

I have been thinking a lot lately about trust. Last night Francis, one of my regulars at Perkins, and I had a discussion about trust and it just really got me to thinking.

I suppose you could say that around the same time I hit puberty I stopped trust people easily. When you're a child it's so easy to trust, you don't know about how people can hurt you and that not everyone out there is trustworthy. I found that out fairly early on. I've been really good at friend jumping and it started in 7th grade when the group of girls I was friends with stopped being my friends and started talking about me, badmouth me, not inviting me places anymore. It was childish and had to do with the fact that I was growing apart from them. When you're young you don't know how to handle something like that and rather than accept that it's just changes and it happens younger people will often grow cold or me.

After that I started to find it difficult to trust the rest of my friends. But slowly I found the Clique and even more slowly began to trust them.

My main issue for a long time was guys. It only takes one situation to seriously fuck a person up and that's kind of how it happened for me. For awhile I had an issue even being touched by another guy. And even with guys that tried to be good to me I found it impossibly to fully trust them.

These days... I'm pretty hurt. There are only a handful of people I can say I truly trust. Between the stuff that happened in my younger years, and stuff that I've been through with certain guys, added to things that have happened with Dustin and Leah... it's just hard. I realize with every person you meet things are different... but it's hard to remind yourself of that when you are starting a relationship with someone, any kind of relationship. I mean, I thought I could trust Dustin to the ends of the earth. He was my boy and we understood each other. But I've come to find that he is a people pleaser, which means that he will say one thing to your face, no matter what he really believes. That makes me really sad.

Thing is... I don't know. I feel badly about the way I've treated certain people. I didn't give out fair chances and that's really wrong. You meet someone who does nothing but look out for you and care for you and try the best that he can and all you can do is shove it in his face that it's not good enough, that no matter what he does he cannot get to the top of that ladder. It's a horrible thing to do to such a good person and why I did it I'm not really sure. I am realizing in this huge rush how wrong I have been for so long and it's kind of hurting me because I don't like the person I've been. I never, ever wanted to hurt anyone. I've just been really unfair.

Somehow I am being given a second chance to prove myself. And it's about time I stop fucking up. I want to live with my heart open and I don't want the people I love most to feel like I don't trust them. The past is in the past.

Well it was a LONG but pretty good weekend, which is why I haven't had time to write an entry until now. I'm sitting here with a bowl of Kix cereal (mmm, makes me feel like a kid... even though I never actually ate Kix when I was a kid, hehe) and I'm SORE and TIRED and I wish I could not go to work and have a lazy day.

So shall I talk about this weekend? I shall (sorry, had to mimick some weirdo that called for a to go order at work yesterday and liked to say "shall" and pretend he's cool).

Saturday I got up at 7 (I know, it's just wrong to get up that early on a Saturday), ate a little, took a shower, kinda putzed around. Then headed to Oakdale to get my hair done. It was good to see Christine and catch up and all that good girly stuff. I really like the cosmetology school she's at, I may go back there to get a pedicure when I have a little more money. It's cheap and I think Christine does a good job. Anyway, after that I ran to the bank and then headed home. Doug and I decided to meet at Perkins because I was STARVING so we did that.

The photo shoot was lots of fun. There are about nine pictures that I really love, plus others than I think are really good too. I'm in the process of posting the nine on Flickr but you can only post so many a day. If you'd like to take a look, go to my navigation bar on the right hand of this blog. Under the "learn" section is a group called "photographs." That link will take you right to the pics. If you want to comment the best way is to leave the comments on here. Otherwise you have to create a screen name, leave your e-mail and come up with a password. Anyway, like I said, the photoshoot was really fun and I really liked playing Miss Seductive. It's hard for me to smile for really long periods of time, my smile will just falter. Hmm. It was fun, I like playing dress up and all that good stuff. Once I called down about being in front of the camera, hehe.

After pictures we got ready and went to Richfield to meet up with Shannon and Ryan. When we got there we all decided we were hungry and went to one of my favorite places, Joe Senser's. Mmm, a big burger and Joe Senser fries. SO GOOD! I'm always a little non-impressed by the service at Senser's but eh, the food is so yummy it almost doesn't matter.

After Joe Senser's we went to Kitty Cat Klub which was... an interesting place. It's ULTRA trendy and they have some pretty interesting live music. Expensive drinks, which I wasn't thrilled about simply because I'm POOR. But we had fun, it's a good place to sit around and chat which is fun. We took lots of pictures and good stuff. I got a HUGE sliver in my hand and my hand still kinda hurts today. Not good. Rich showed up later which is good.... we walked in and I immediately wanted to be cuddled, lol. I have this absolutely insane attraction to him and I'm really glad he came. He was pretty quiet, which he explained to me later and we'll keep on the DL. But it was a good time anyway, looking at all the trendy people, lol..

Finally we headed back to Shan's to watch a movie. I think everyone was REALLY tired because none of us made it through the movie. I ended up shutting it off after Shannon and Ryan went to bed and the next thing I knew it was morning.

Yesterday was another one of those days. Rich and I stayed around till about 10 and then Shannon walked us downstairs so that she could help me get all the snow off my car. Driving home was really not cool, big trucks spashing tons of water up at me. I was happy to finally get home. Except that when I did Rich called me to talk to me about something that was bothering him. Again, I won't post what it was, just keep it on the DL. Although I was upset with what he had to say to me, because I'm learning to trust Rich's instincts, it felt good to know that he's still looking out for me, just like he always has. He's a really good, caring person and I'm really lucky to have him in my life. I just adore him.

Work yesterday was interesting. We got this rush around 3 and while we had 3 servers on we just managed to get slammed. It's annoying to not have a busser on because we're all scrambling to try to pick up that job and keep booths open. Talk about sweating, no wonder my skin is so bad these days. At first I was happy when Heath came in but I swear, he's a bigger child than Randy. First he gets ticked because Dustin forgot to change the till, which is annoying but he's standing at the till muttering, "Goddamn it, doesn't anyone know how to fucking do their job!?" and blah blah blah. THEN he tried to make up a 5 chart without consulting the servers, and the first server on always gets first pick of what section they want, the second server gets second pick, and so on. So when Michaela confronted him on that he got all pissy, even though it didn't matter THAT much, and he goes stomping into the back, slamming the door on the wall. Seriously. I was happy to finally leave.

Last night was LOTS of fun. I went out to Shannon's and Shannon, Ryan, and I played around with Franky for awhile. Finally, Shan and I, looking positively slutty, hehe, headed out. We stopped at Taco Bell because I LOVE tacos and then Shan showed me the place where she and Ryan will be living. Finally we headed to 90's. We found Rich, who got to be a pimp walking around down the street to 90's. We got there and Shan and Rich both got drinks. Then Paul showed up looking positively FINE. Why are all the hot ones gay, I swear! We went upstairs and after a few minutes went into the 80's area. Shan and I were being silly and dancing, which was LOTS of fun. I used to HATE to dance but now I adore it, especially when I have a girl friend along to dance with. So we danced around and then I yanked Rich out. He's so silly, he was all, "I'm not in a dancing mood" and I was all "Well I don't care, loosen up Richard!" So we danced and he was being goofy which was SO cute. I love when Rich is like that, he's absolutely adorable.

Finally it was time to head home. I got back to River Falls around 2:30 and just CRASHED. And here I am.

My arms are tired from typing and I need to take a shower and head to work *yawn* Yet another joyful week, hehe.

More soon!

I think I have the winter blues. I hate spring semester because I always get the winter blues at the beginning and it makes me not want to do ANYTHING, especially not homework. I don't like having to wear a coat, I don't like getting freezing wind blasted in my face, I don't like not getting to see any colors outside besides white and gray... and I'm really not found of ice puddles everywhere. I know I shouldn't complain but I only like winter when it's Christmas time and there should be snow on the ground. But now it's mid February and I really, really just want it to be spring. I'm feeling suffocated by the cold and gray.

What I really want right now is to be cuddled and to watch a movie and light candles all around. I'm really tired and I do not want to read my book for English lit and I don't want to do my stats homework and I really don't want to worry about my portfolio which I really haven't even started. I just want to be cuddled. And to watch a movie. I wish it was tomorrow night so I could be out shopping with Shannon and talking girl talk and maybe not feeling so crabby. I don't mean to sound this way, it's really just the weather annoying me. I'm not really even in a bad mood but I'm COLD and whenever I come in from outside my nose is all runny. I stepped in a puddle the other day and my foot froze and I'm tired of snow.

Winter is my least favorite season.

I know I need to stop whining and complaining. I will tomorrow when I get to shop a little. I'm just cranky today. I need a massage in the worst way, lol. And, like I said, I need to be cuddled. I am such a cuddle whore, it's really sad. If I could I would just get cuddled all day and all night. Then I would curl into a ball like a content little kitty, pure a little, and fall asleep.

Bed. Now.

Slow down
You crazy child
And take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
It's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will your realize, Vienna waits for you
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you get even halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you


I don't know why I like those song lyrics so much. They're from a song called Vienna by Billy Joel and from the 13 Going On 30 sountrack. I watched that movie the other night and just absolutely adore it. This morning the song is in my head so I thought I'd share.

There is a sleeping boy in my bed by the name of Rich, lol. He may be annoyed with me for writing this but he is positively adorable right now. We went out to Dick's last night for beer and $1 pizzas and I think he's still trying to get over the fact that I'm old enough to go to the bar. I really, really like hanging out with Rich now. He seems more laid back and that makes me feel laid back. I don't know what it is about the time but things feel better and different and I'm really, really happy. Last night I was leaving work and he called to ask if I wanted to hang out and it was just a nice end to my hectic day at work. Afterwards we came back here. And now I have a sleeping boy in my bed. So sweet.

I really don't have too much else to say. Talked to my parents and we're trying to figure out a time when I can come visit them at the house. I'm going to ask Shannon if she wants to come along because I'd like a driving buddy and I'd like for her to be able to see then house. I'm thinking possibly the first weekend in March but we shall see for sure.

That's about all. I need to go grocery shopping today because I have no food. I really want a taco salad.

More when I actually get a life.

I can't help it, I'm a hopeless romantic and V-Day makes me think of "I love you." So it's only fitting that today of all days I am thinking of the first time someone other than a family member said those words to me.

I don't completely remember the first time I met Matt Szatkowski. I'm sure we were somewhere around 7ish and I remember that he and I and some other kids all piled onto my dad's hammock and broke it and that night we weren't allowed to sit at the campfire. I know there was another time in which he had a Walkman and was listening to Amy Grant and that was my first taste of my favorite music artist from my childhood. Good times.

I do remember, though, the first time a boy said those three little words to me. Matt's family, my family, and some others families were all camping together at Jellystone Park in Wisconsin Dells. We'd spent the day at the pool, getting out for two minutes at a time to pretend we were adults, trying to sunbathe, before decided that was stupid and jumping back in. It was late afternoon and we were hanging out before dinner. That's when it happened.

"Krysten?"

"Yeah Matt?"

"I have to tell you something?"

"I hate Whitney Houston, Matt. If you make me listen to her I'll punch you in the face."

"I love you."

And with that, like a flash, he ran away. I went after him and he ducked into the boys' bathroom, a place I definitely was not willing to go, even in the name of love. Finally, I gave up, and walked back to my family's camper for my Walkman. I knew he was following me. And I let him. Because I "loved" him too but I would never in a million years admit to liking that scrawny, Whitney Houston loving wimp. So I had to settle for knowing he "loved" me and was following me, headphones covering his ears, Whitney Houston belting out some hit and adding to the soundtrack of his life.

That was the first time I ever heard those words from a boy. Definitely wasn't the last. But I have to say, it's one of the few "I love you's" from a boy that still sticks in my memory.

See, I'm not totally jaded by this day.

Happy Valentine's Day All!

Well, as usual I'm really tired. I didn't sleep well this weekend. Friday night, I think it was, I feel asleep and my AIM shut off and turned back on. Well when it turned back on my away message wasn't up and usually when I put up my away message I press the "disable sounds while I'm away"feature so that it doesn't but me while I'm sleeping. Well, that wasn't turned on so every time someone signed off and on it made a noise and it was driving me nuts. So I got up to put an away message up and then couldn't get to sleep. Yeah, slightly annoying. Then last night I woke up at 5 just because and couldn't get back to sleep right away. Bah, sometimes I wish I was a heavier sleeper.

I'm really beginning to hate Valentine's Day. It's stressing me out! I don't mean to sound rude to those of you in relationships but you stress out us single people. Or at least those of us single people that are sick of being single. For awhile I was so sick of worrying about the stupid boys in my life and being single seemed like the best ever solution. I kinda of enjoyed it over November, December, and part of January. But now... I really want what Shannon and Amber have. I mean, the first months of a relationship are great, when everything seems perfect and whatever. But I want the real life relationship. I don't even know what that's like but I just want someone to have that with. I know I shouldn't be bitching but V-Day is just stressing me out. I just want someone to share the day with... well, at least the night after 8 when I'm done with school and work, lol. Being single is getting old.

It's so funny how much things have changed in the last month or so. I feel like I've even changed really drastically. When I first moved here I turned into such a townie. I wanted to impress the people I worked with so I was drinking a lot and being really bitchy and mean. The thing is, I'm not even really like that. I told Shannon last night on the phone that right now I feel really happy... and I can say that completely honestly. I don't feel fake anymore and I don't feel like I'm trying to impress anyone. My real friends know the real me and like that. I don't really enjoy going out to the bars all the time and acting stupid. Frankly, when I go drinking I'd rather go to a cool, low key place, something very Uptown or Dinkytown. I like having lots of movie nights or chill nights and they don't have to constantly involve alcohol. And the pettiness around here is really bugging me. I dunno... I'm liking hanging out with Shannon so much and I love the fact that Rich and I are doing so well together. I have to think maybe the time away from each other just helped us appreciate each other more. It kinda made me less obsessed. I love hanging out with him but it's not constantly on my mind and that feels a lot more healthy. And I'm glad Amber and I are making more of an effort to call each other and keep in touch, as are Tim and I. I'm a little worried about James only because he's been seeming a little angry at life these days. But... these are the people I really care about and their the one's whose opinions matter. What do I care what a bunch of gossipy, drunk partiers think of me? Yeah, exactly.

So what's up for this week? Well, hopefully seeing Rich because I need one of his shirts from him. Shopping with Shannon on Thursday, hopefully IKEA because they have cool vases I want and then MOA. I wanna stop at Vickie's because I got a gift card from there over Christmas that I haven't used yet. And who knows what else. Other than that just a lot of school and "stuff" all week. Then my photo shoot with Doug on Saturday. Hopefully I'll stop feeling so fat by then and my face will clear up. Bleh.

Ummm... oh, today. I went to Kohl's thinking I would buy SOMETHING cute because I've been feeling like my clothes are very bleh lately. I ended up buying one new pair of panties. I just felt really fat today, nothing looked good on me. Tonight I am doing massive amounts of situps as I will be from now on because my tummy is so huge. I've decided I'm majorly cutting sugar out of my diet and instead of eating carbs at night it's going to be veggies or fruities. And no eating after 7. So yeah. Oh, and Shannon and Ryan came out here around 2 today. Many thanks to Ryan for putting up shelves in the apartment... now I just have to figure out what to put on those shelves!!!! But the apartment is looking more and more homey so I'm happy *smile* After that we sat around and looked at ALL my photo albums, from way back when to recently. It was really fun to sit and giggle and all our goofiness and just remember the good times. Finally, we went into Perkins for food and it was cool because only the nice people were there... Christie and Lewann and Benji and people that don't flippin gossip and get drunk 24/7. So it was cool.

Yeeeaaaahhhh. Anyway, time to wash my face, do some situps, and just chill. More soon!

Anyway... sleepy. Mor

I'm bored. And wanting to buy new underwear. So an underwear survey seems fitting. Enjoy!

1. Name? Krysten
2. Age? 21
4. Do you wear a bra? Yep
5. What size? 36C
6. Ever stuff your bra? Lol, I've never had a need to
7. Ever worn a shirt without a bra? On occasion, now that they're smaller than they used to be
8. Do you use your bra to hold things(money, notes, keys)? Nah, that's weird
9. Ever been in a wet shirt contest? Nope although we kinda had one at Perkins once, hehe
10. What’s the sexiest bra you own? Hmm, my fav is my Vickie's bra... the only Vickie's bra I own *pout*
11. Are you wearing a bra now? Lol, nope, I'm sitting here shirtless and braless. Waiting for my clothes to dry...
12. If so, what does it look like? N/A
13. Do you wear panties? Duh
14. What size? 5
15. what do ur panties look like now? Pink and kinda see-throughy
16. Cotton/Satin/Lace/Silk? Cotton
17. Regular/Thong/Bikini? Regular
18. Ever worn pants/skirt/dress without panties? Possibly... hehehe
19. Ever use your panties to hold things(money, notes, keys)? Ew, no!
20. What are the sexiest panties you own? God, a better question is which panties aren't sexy? I have a thing for sexy panties
21. Do you own any thongs? Lots of them
22. If so, what does it look like? Too many to describe
23. Which of the following do you own:
24. Short skirts? A few for the clubs... not that I've worn any of them yet, lol. Maybe if Rich would get a Sunday night off so we could go to 90's I would think about wearing a short skirt
25. Short-Shorts? Nah, they're uncomfortable and annoying
26. Blue jean cut offs? When I was younger
27. Tube top? I used to own one but I'm not fond of them
28. Halter top? A used to own one.. probably tossed it
29. Strapless bra? Yes
30. Do you wear the following:
31. Tight Shirts? Yep
32. Skirts? Whenever I can
33. Dresses? Sometimes, usually at YIG stuff
34. Ever lean forward to let a guy see inside your shirt? Maaaaaaaaaybe
35. Ever flashed your panties? Not that I know of
36. Ever bend over in skirt to let a guy see your panties? Nope
37. Ever been caught wearing nothing but underwear? Lol, usually that's how I seduce the boys *wink*
38. Ever catch anyone in nothing but their underwear? Yep
39. Ever thought about buying a guy a thong for his b-day? LOL! As a joke
40. Are thongs REALLY comfy? I'm starting to like them less than I used to

I'm frustrated. There's this dude Andrew that has a thing for me. He's been pulling the whole, "Hey let's hang out" thing even though I know I haven't expressed any interest in him. And today he's all, "I should come over tonight and give you a massage." I just hate that, I hate feeling mean and saying "Look, I'm not interested." But it's really annoying. I know I shouldn't be annoyed but... I just am. I have little patience for most boys these days. I know this guy just wants to get in my pants. Go buy a girl on the corner. Bah.

Wow I sound like a complete bitch, lol.

You know when you just get comfortable in your life and the idea of anyone else coming in just doesn't appeal? That's how I feel right now. I don't want anyone else coming along right now because I'm just really, really happy. It's not that I hate people. It's not like I don't like making new friends. But I'm so comfortable and the idea of someone new coming along just doesn't appeal to me right now. I just kinda want my life to stay this way for awhile. Because I'm happy. And I like this happiness.

No more drama. I know I have a really good habit of making drama. I think it comes from my high school ideas... if there isn't something psychotic going on then life just isn't interesting. Maybe I watch too many soap operas or read too many books. Even watch too much TV or too many movies. All these things put into your head that something has to be going on at all times. Life really isn't like that, though. You have those days... sometimes those weeks or months or maybe even years where time just ticks by and nothing really happens. And that isn't always a bad thing. But it's taken me kind of a long time to learn that. It's taken me 21 years to find out that sometimes just having friendships, love... living life.... sometimes it's just there. Starting fights, causing drama, always running around looking for trouble is a one ticket ride to making your life miserable. It's okay to just be. I wish I knew why it's taken me so long to figure it out. But that's all I want now. I want to go to classes, study, go to work... I want to go out with my friends... or even just stay in. I want to be in love and have it be okay that we can spend months together and have there just be no drama. That's the way life should be. I just want to be settled and calm. I want to enjoy myself.

My job certainly does not help me do that although there are nights like tonight in which I'm kinda happy I found Perkins. Dustin, as usual, managed to tick me off by taking smoke breaks and not telling me, leaving me alone up front and wondering where he is. Dustin is a great example of someone being pressured by peers. The smoking habit he's picking up is really gross and, seriously, if he's going to go smoke so much then I think I should get paid both his salary and mine, since I seem to be doing both his job and my own. It's only fair, right? Anyway... that's not why I loved work tonight, lol. In one word: Hilary. Hilary... I don't know. When I first started working at Perkins I was really put off by her. She can be bossy and rude, a total know it all as well as a complete money hungry material girl. However, she and I have come to terms and I pretty much like her now. Tonight, though, I swear to God she was like a cat in heat. She seriously should have just started yowling. She's walking around being total vulgar and flirting with all of us, guys and girls alike, married or single. It was pretty amusing... I swear to God she smacks my ass more than Rich does (if that's possible) and she was rubbing up on everyone. We were all totally playing along, too, so it was just kind of hysterical.

Tonight I'm just sitting around. I had my last pizza for awhile. Tomorrow I'm starting myself on a diet because I'm tired of my clothes not fitting and I want to not have a big ol' tummy this summer so I can wear my cute swimsuits. So today was my last junkfood day and I treated myself to pizza and a movie, The Forgotten. The movie was pretty good although they kinda didn't explain who "they" were. You'll understand if you've seen the movie. If not, see it. It was pretty good otherwise. Anyway... as for my diet. I'm pretty much just going to try to eat better, drink lots of water, and start exercising. I'm probably going to give myself one day to slack a little but other than that I need to cut back. I'm not looking to lose a ton of weight and I need to do this for health reasons too. Plus my face is getting gross lately, breaking out, and I have a feeling it had something to do with all the crap I eat. So it's time to kick my ass into gear.

Grandma and Grandpa, who greatly spoil me, sent me $50 for Valentine's Day. I suppose that'll be my only "present" and I'm pretty grateful that someone loves me, lol. I'm being bitter, I know. I'm not even looking for gifts, don't get me wrong. I'm just being sad that so many people around me have people to spend the day with and I don't. Like I keep saying, I just want to be cuddled. Can't help myself, I think I'm a cuddle whore. I just like to be stroked and petted and touched and all that fun stuff. Of course, it helps if it's with someone you actually care about. I'm tired of just being with whoever for the hell of it. That's just silly.

At work lately we've been talking about people who are "high maintenance." These are the different kinds of "high maintenance" people there are:

People who date others that will pay for them (food, movies, buying them things, etc)
People who spend 24/7 in front of the mirror
People that want lots of affection

And any mixture of the three. It's been decided that I'm a mixture of the last two. I don't really care if anyone buys me anything. I can buy myself things and I hate dating someone who's contantly paying for everything. I feel like they're trying to buy my love. However, I tend to be fairly vain and I take forever to get myself ready. Then I have to check myself in the mirror whenever possible and I'm constantly changing my clothes. Oh it's so sad. Plus... I love affection. I love to be hugged and kissed and cuddled and touched in any way. It doesn't even have to be sexual, I love getting hugs from my friends or held by my friends. I just love phsyical affection as well as emotional affection. I'm sure it's why I spend so much time trying to talk to everyone about "feelings" and worrying that everything is really okay. Bah.

Okay... I have spent this entry semi rambling. I'm really tired. Time to cuddle up, BY MYSELF, and go to sleep. More soon!

So.Tired. So so so tired.

Last night after work Rich picked me up and we went to Dick's in Hudson. Mmm beer, even though it makes my tummy gurgly. It was nice, though, I kept waiting and waiting for the time when Rich and I could go out to the bars together and then... well, things happened. I hate that, I feel like we lost so much time over such silly stuff. Hanging out with him last night really made me question why on earth we wasted so much time. Ah well, it's in the past, right? Anyway, so we had beers and chatted and he poked my tummy in his usual Rich way. He was being such a goof and I love when he's like that. It was nice. After a few beers we got TACOS, mmmmm! We drove back from Hudson to my place and ate.... Rich had ANOTHER beer, sheesh! Then cuddling and kissing and all that good stuff. I have missed so much having his arms around me. Missed sleeping in the same bed with him. Although I do really need a new bed, lol. A bigger one. Anyway. Last night was really, really nice. I really just want to keep having a good time with him. I just want to keep being as happy as I have these last few weeks. I plan on keeping it that way.

Tonight Dustin and I ran to Woodbury so I could get an oil change and run some errands. I feel... comfortable yet uncomfortable around him. Like, I wish I could just get a straight answer from him about things but I know he'll never give me one. So I continue to not trust him. We can't really be friends. Like, we made these plans for tonight a week ago. But I just don't even are about making plans with him anymore. I like him and we could have been friends. But I don't want to be friends with someone that can't be straight with me. And he has trouble doing that.

Anyway, at 6 we met up with Shannon at Applebee's. That was good except I am SUPER full. We got buffalo wings for an appetizer and then our real food and I was drinking kiwi lemonades like they were going out of style, lol. But it was a good time and I got to see picures of Shannon baby brother who is SOOOO cute and looks just like their dad.

So right now I'm sitting here feeling SO tired. Tomorrow I just have geology from 10:10 to 11:05 and then I don't work until 5. Supposedly we're going to get our asses kicked so I'm not really looking forward to going in. Saturday I work 2 to 8 and then Sunday Shan and Ryan are coming out here to help me put up some shelves and then to maybe go out for food.

I'm really not looking forward to Monday. At least I work so that'll keep my head off things. But... it's Valentine's Day. It's so hard to see couples walking around all happy and in love and... here I am FINALLY feeling like I'm bouncing back a little from the relationship hell I put myself into. I know I shouldn't feel so sad but I just really want someone to hug and kiss and say that I care about them. Bah. Maybe the day will just go by fast. February 14th. Why?

Anyway time for ER and then I am going to BED. More soon.

Oh a survey... I'm bored. This survey is a comparison of what I was like in senior year and what I'm like now. Enjoy!

YOUR HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR YEAR
THEN AND NOW

[What year was it?]
THEN: 2001 and 2002
NOW: 2005

[What were your three favorite bands?]
THEN: Probably something lke *N SYNC, Dixie Chicks, and Avril Lavigne
NOW: Maroon 5, Ashlee Simpson, and Yellowcard

[What was your favorite outfit?]
THEN: Oh gosh, probably something either black or red
NOW: Anything pink and my favorite jeans

[What was up with your hair?]
THEN: Shortish, reddish brown.... always curled in the same way
NOW: Still shortish, layered, medium brown and either flipped out, curled under, or in pigtails

[Who was/were your best friend(s)?]
THEN: Amber, Elisa, and Ben
NOW: Amber, James... Shannon's getting back there

[What did you do for fun?]
THEN: Internet, random stuff with the girls, parties at my place
NOW: Shopping, going out to eat, hanging out and having drinks, going dancing

[Where did you work?]
THEN: JCPenney's
NOW: Perkins

[Who did you have a crush on?]
THEN: Ben Brielmaier
NOW: Too early to say

[Did you fight with your parents?]
THEN: All the flippin time, lol
NOW: Nah, we live far enough away from each other now, hehe

[Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?]
THEN: Oh God... he was in the Olympics.. I can't even remember his name now
NOW: Hell yeah, Johnny Depp baby!

[Did you smoke cigarettes?]
THEN: Nope
NOW: Nope

[Did you have a 'clique'?]
THEN: I had my goup of friends and we called ourselves the Clique but we weren't a clique clique
NOW: Don't cliques END with high school?? I guess I'm not part of the Perkins "Drink and smoke till you die" Clique.

[Did you have a Max? like Zach Kelly and Slater?]
THEN: I guess we ate at Perkins a lot.... but it wasn't THE hangout or anything
NOW: Nah, I like to jump around with where I eat

[Admit it, were you popular?]
THEN: Not that I know of
NOW: Nope

[Who did you want to be just like?]
THEN: Um.... no idea
NOW: I just want to be myself

[What did you want to be when you grew up?]
THEN: I jumped around from journalist, psychologist, and teacher
NOW: Something in PR or marketing

[Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?]
THEN: In Winona, a year or so away from graduating
NOW: In River Falls, who knows how far away from graduating

Does anyone else find it funny that my English lit prof walked into class today with some Mardi Gras beads and suggested that if we wanted any we could stop by his office. He didn't mean it the way it sounded, hehe, but it was pretty amusing nonetheless. Right now we're discussing The Jungle by Upton Sinclair and we were going over how small town people have a hard time moving to a bigger town or city. I have to say, those of us from bigger towns that move to smaller towns could have just as hard a time. It's like moving into a different culture. I came here from Woodbury where I pretty much felt like an unknown and I liked it that way. I was used to my life with my close friends being the only people that knew my business. I was shy girl at classes, workaholic at work, and crazy YIG girl for 4 days out of the year. Then I move to this town... where I'm still the shy girl at classes. But I'm the supposed spaz at work and everyone in this town knows who I am, who I've slept with, what I ate for lunch yesterday... and even things that aren't even true. And you wonder why I can't wait for this drama to be over with. I wanted to fit in at first. But who really has time to go to the bar at least 4 times a week? Who has the money? Who cares? I go to work and I listen to them talk about how trashed they were the night before, who snuck into the bar underage, who fucked who and who puked all over the bathroom. Wow, sounds like a winning crowd. I probably sound like sour grapes. That or I sound like I'm badmouthing behind their backs. I'm just trying to figure out what I first found so appealing about these people, all succumbing to each other's peer pressure.

I have this small group of friends that I am incredibly comfortable with. We can be honest with each other and don't have to worry so much about doing EVERYTHING perfectly, or the way anyone else wants it. None of us is exactly alike and we don't pressure each other to be that way. And isn't it more fun that way anyway? Which do I prefer? The people who like me to my face and talk about me behind my back? Or the people that like me to my face... and like me behind my back too?

Yeah... that's what I thought.

My boss is being one sneaky sonofabitch. Yesterday I went to check my schedule for next week and in addition to my usual 4 shift week I had an extra shift, Tuesday from 5 to 8. This ticks me off for a few reasons. Reason one is that my availability says that I can't work on Tuesdays or Thursday. I have classes for 5 hours on those days and when I come home I'm exhausted. The idea of having to go to work just doesn't fit with me. Second, my availability says that I only want to work 4 shifts a week. This shift would be shift number 5 for next week. Now... I'm sure it sounds like I'm just complaining and I should suck it up after all the complaining I did about my lack of hours over winter break. But school is wearing me down already. I need some time to myself and some time to do schoolwork. Anyway, so this morning I called Randy to tell him that he'd made a mistake in scheduling. He gave me this guilt trip about sucking it up and how he'll have to hire someone else and screw over our hours. Like I'm the only one pulling the "I can't work on certain days" stuff. I don't want to bend down and say, "Okay just this one time" because I know Randy and I know he'll try to push me around. So then I text Dustin and HE goes off on me because now HE'LL have to work alone. Sheesh. I just cannot win. I've pretty much come to the decision that I'm going to stick with Perkins till I figure out an internship that pays and then I'll just tell Randy to screw off. So... for now I'm kinda stuck. Eh. Worse things in life.

I'm gonna be a MODEL. Hehe. I'm so excited about Doug coming here next Saturday. I talked to Christine about doing my hair and she says that's cool, so I'm psyched about that. Doug and I were kinda talking about what kind of shoot I wanted, what I want to wear and whatever. I want some hot stuff... low cut shirts and skirts with fishnets. And some classy stuff, probably my pink gauzy dress. And... some undies, hehe. I can't help it, I love walking around in a tank top and panties, it's what I feel comfy in so I want a few pics of it. Eep, I'm excited!

Not too much else to say about today. I'm sleepy and the next few days will be fun, what with drinks or something with Sir Richard tomorrow and then foodage with Shan... and I guess Dustin has to come along. Maybe Shannon can talk to him about why he's such a spaz. So yeah. My knee hurts from falling yesterday, there's a big bruise on it. It's kinda cool, like a battle scar. Maybe I should just start falling down and getting bruises.

Or not.

Okay... obviously I'm crazy. More soon!

Well, I work on Valentine's day. Um... big deal? Not really sure. I don't have a Valentine this year, my first time in a few years. I know I shouldn't complain and I know it's just a holiday made up by Hallmark. But... I want a Valentine, lol. I just want someone to curl up with on Monday night, someone that I care for.

It amazes me the lengths that some people go to on V-Day. Does it ever really need to be that big a deal? I guess for me Valentine's Day is just a day to show someone you care about them. And I know, I know... I can share my love with all my friends. And I do love my friends. But, like I said... I want someone to cuddle me. I'm just kind of sad. Funny thing is, in the last three V-Days only one really stands out as being any good. Senior year Bjorn sent me candy and a stuffed animal but we'd already broken up, so it was very bittersweet. And last year.... I'd just broken up with Josh but I went to his place anyway. He'd cooked me dinner and bought me this really pretty necklace that his grandma helped pick out. We had the house to ourselves and it could have been sweet had I not had another person in mind.

The only V-Day that has ever really been romantic was my freshman year of college. Rich came down to Winona with these beautiful roses that lasted FOREVER. I wasn't even expecting them and it was just sweet. We went to dinner at Green Mill and afterwards made love.... it was nice.
I know I shouldn't be sad. Everyone that's working Monday night is awesome and I know they'll help to keep me laughing. However... when 8 rolls around and I have to come home... I dunno.

I'm so ready to love someone. It's been awhile. I've done a lot of messing up in my relationships and I'm just ready to love someone and have them love me in return, to have that stable, sweet relationship that my girlfriends have and seem so happy to be in. I'm so sick of the drama. I just want someone that I can have dates with, someone to cuddle me at night, someone I can dress up with and someone I can sit around all day in my pjs with.

Anyway. I should stop harping.

Um... it was a long day. I'm tired. It's just hard,I think I have a case of the Mondays. Work was good... both Leah and Dustin were there and I thought it'd be uncomfortable but it isn't. Dustin is really weird... he acts like nothing happened. The thing is, the way he acted this weekend added to the way he's treated me since we became friends all leads to my lack of trust for him as well as the fact that we're never going to be as close as we could have been. I don't know how to make him understand that but it's so hard to work your way back to good with me once you've lost it. I just don't really give a damn about working that hard to fix things. I'm not sure he's worth it.

Oh.... so Coach Carter, the original, was in Perkins today. How freakin' weird is that?? It was just Leah and me working and it was pretty cool.

Uummmm... oh my gosh I'm so tired, this entry is sad, lol.

Oh, so I fell down today. I was walking to classes and since most of the snow had melted I walked through the grass instead of going all the way around. Well, when I stepped from the grass to the sidewalk I hit an icy spot and just went down. My knee hurts SO bad and I broke my CD player.

So yeah, that's about all. I really need sleep. Rich has called me the last couple of nights from work. I like it... I miss knowing he's there looking out for me and caring about me. It's like.... he's standing behind me and if I fall back he's there to catch me. It's just always been that way.

Wow.

Did I just say that?

I'm confused. About something. I'm sorry, this isn't going to make sense. But... I'm getting hit with something. Anyway... I will finish my thought. Rich has called the last few nights and his calls either wake me up or pull me out of just falling to sleep. I don't mind because it's Rich and I like to hear from him... like I said, it's comforting to know he's there. But when we hang up it's hard for me to get back to sleep, hence my needing to sleep. So yeah.

But I'm still.... wow. Sorry, something I wrote made me realize something. Yeah.

Time to go. More soon.

I have to put a little PS on last night's entry. I spent the entire entry complaining and, actually, the end of work last night was pretty damn funny. I'm so busy being wrapped up in the drama of these 4 people attacking me, and of one person being a total ass, that I didn't at all say that most of work was spent having a pretty good time.

We were DEAD last night. When I came in we were a little busy, Jamie had to stay and help me out till the actual end of her shift. We had a group of 25, which we knew about, come in at 3 and they weren't a problem at all because we only had about two other tables in the whole restaurant.

At first when Dustin came in and I tried to talk to him I felt pretty shitty. Do I really need that? Not so much. Benji and Christie... actually, everyone, was trying to cheer me up and make me laugh. There are good people at Perkins. Anyway, next thing I know Bryan, our busser, who is cool as hell, puts in a Jackson 5 CD for the cooks to listen to and we're all on the line dancing and goofing off and singing along. Bryan has a coffee filter on his head like a hat and we're just grooving. Oh my gosh it was pretty damn funny. Then Bryan, Christina, and I are talking about how we're only going to serve turkey at Perkins. We kept trying to get Dustin to take a to go order and tell the customer that all we have is turkey with a side of turkey and puree turkey for a turkey shake. For some reason Dustin wouldn't do that. God he was cranky last night. Get that stick out of your ass, Dustin, and stop being a fucking child. Anyway. THEN we're sitting around talking about wether or not the phone plays Muzak when you put someone on hold. We couldn't remember so I called Perkins from my cell and Bryan answered. After being put on hold and finding out there were only little clicky sounds, Bryan took me off hold and I ordered the FUNNIEST food, just really picky shit like a chef breadbowl but without EVERYTHING except lettuce... even without the breadbowl, lol. And, of course, turkey with a side of turkey, hehe." And Francis came in, which just added to the mayhem. He keeps introducing me as his stalking victim and I just think it's hilarious. Go Francis!

So whatever. I'm going to stop hanging out with people from work because all they are is drama and it's annoying. I don't like coming into work and having to go into the breakroom to cry because of some shit that happened outside of work. It's unprofessional and I can't stand that. I'm going to start looking for a new job. Yeah.

Rich called me on my cell last night and ordered 25 chef breadbowls. Rich, you can only order turkey with a side of turkey. I'm sorry. Anyway, drinks or coffee or something on Wednesday and then dinner with Shannon on Thursday.

Oh and I have some pretty cool news. My friend Doug, who's a photographer, is coming here on the 19th to take pictures of me. Really sexy pictures, hehe. I'm super excited, I really want them to look awesome. I'm a little nervous but I'm sure it'll be okay, especially since I know Doug so it'll help me to feel a little bit comfortable. So for the next 12 days I'm going to try to eat really well and all that good stuff so the pics will look really good. Yay for photography!!

Sooooooooooooooooo it's almost time for classes, joy. More soon!