Oh my God. My mom totaled her car. And had she not been wearing her seatbelt, she could be dead. She called me just now to let me know what happened. She was driving home from the gym last night. She went to put something into her purse. The car started to drift and it hit the gravel on the side of the road. Her car fishtailed and crashed into a tree. She's okay. She had to get taken to the hospital in an ambulance and the car is completely ruined. But she's okay. But God, that's about the scariest call ever. She called from Dad's cell and you could just tell in her voice something happened. I thought maybe something had happened to Grandma or Dad. God. This is a lesson to everyone: PLEASE WEAR YOUR SEATBELTS.

Thank God she's okay.

Where to begin? Well I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that I talked to Andrea, the manager of the Hudson 'Bou, and she definitely wants me to transfer out to her store! Yay! So Chris did actually talk to her and all that good stuff (thank God, he didn't seem like the type to get anything done). She's really hurting for shift managers right now which is GREAT for me! The bad news is that soon I will be leaving all my wonderful co-workers and wonderful regulars. That makes me sad, I've been with the Highland Caribou for two years (as of June 13th) and it's going to be hard to say goodbye to everything. But I'm really excited to be at Hudson AND to not have to do the 45 minute drive anymore. Yay!

D and I went to see Pirates last night and it was AMAZING! I'll definitely have to see it again because there was so much going on that I'm sure I missed a lot. And I'm a smidge unhappy with the ending but what can you do? Orlando Bloom is YUMMY and it definitely want not hard to watch him for almost 3 hours, hehe. Of course, it was a little creepy seeing Keith Richards. He makes a good pirate though, lol.

I GOT MY HAIR CUT! Up until about an hour before I wasn't sure if I was even going to do it. It's taken about two years to grow out my hair as much as I did but I was getting tired of it. I really think my hair does better when it's shorter. So now it's shoulder length and I really love it! Once it's colored it's going to look perfect, I'm so excited!

As for books, I'm re-reading book 5 from the Harry Potter series. I was to re-read the last two books so that I can be ready when the 7th book comes out. I also plan on watching the first 4 movies so that I can be ready when the 5th movie comes out too. I am so excited and at the same time I'm a little sad. I've been reading this series since high school and it's hard to believe that once this book comes out THAT'S IT. I know I'm going to be a sense of loss once it's over with. At least I have two more movies to look forward to, hehe.

Also, I take back what I said about Maroon 5's new CD. I probably just had to listen to it more than once but I LOVE it! So there!

Anyway.... I'm working a 1 to close AGAIN today, grr. So I have to hurry up and eat lunch (even though it's only 10 AM). Bleh.

More soon!

Well.... I feel a little bit better now. Seriously yesterday I just felt like I was having some kind of breakdown. And I still don't feel like EVERYTHING'S better but at least I'm not crying.

I don't know what to do about the money stuff. I'm so bummed out because lately it's been every time I turn around I have to pay for other crap. What happened to the days where your money simply went to fun things? Now it's like I have no money for anything other than bills, rent and gas. It sucks. And for awhile now I've been so looking forward to getting my hair done. And I know I can get the money to do it but then I'll still be worrying about money. God I just want to get to the point where I don't have to worry so much. I feel like I'm 60 instead of 23. I'm going to worry myself straight to an early grave.

I also kind of talked to Dustin. I guess I just feel like we've been talking and talking and talking about getting engaged and I feel like he isn't taking it at all seriously. He tells me he's ready and he has things planned but I don't understand when this planning is going on. I'm about 95% sure he hasn't bought a ring yet simply because I almost always know where he is and he's not the greatest at faking me out. It just stresses me out. I don't like not having any of the control, it bothers me SO much. I guess I just want it to happen so that I can have the control back. I guess that makes me sort of a control freak but I've always been that way! I can't help myself!

In better news, Maroon 5's new CD came out yesterday and I'm watching them right now on Ellen. It's different. I mean, it's so hard to not compare their old CD to their new one. Their new one is SO much different! I have a feeling I'll really end up liking it but I think it's going to take time. However, Adam (lead singer, DUH), is SO FREAKING CUTE. I'm still really sad that their drummer, Ryan, is gone because I was a little in love with him. Hm.

Anyway, I have more to say but I think I'll do it later. I'm still having some friendship issues. I guess I'm just feeling a little left behind from everyone. So hopefully I'll get over that.

More soon.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Seems all I can do is see all the bad points of my life and for some reason it looks like they outweigh the good. I'm sitting here crying for no reason... or maybe it's all the reason. I don't know.

Money has me so stressed out. It's like whenever I feel like I have everything under control all these things happen and suddenly I'm out of money again. Molly needing to go to the vet, a speeding ticket, and now I have to pay $100 to register for classes. Just when I was going to go out and spend some money on myself, to get my hair done, something I've always really wanted to do... I can't. Because all these things are adding up. I just wanted to do something really nice for me. I never buy the expensive clothes because I feel bad, so I settle for the clothes that are only so so because they cost less. I dye my hair from a box because it costs less, even though it doesn't look as great. I buy generic body wash and vitamins. Just to save a little money but then I turn around and my birth control costs $75! It's like I can never win!

On top of it... I guess I feel kind of unloved. I know I've gotten myself so wrapped up in Dustin and marrying him and now I have all these impossibly standards. I just.... thought it would have happened by now. Every day I come home wondering if today will be the day... and then it's not. And I can't be pushy and I can't ask him and I have no control at all over the situation. But why doesn't he ask me? Is there something wrong with me? First I thought it would happen over spring break but that turned out to be a trip that didn't at all involve just the two of us. I kept thinking soon soon soon.... and it's turning into never never never. And then I asked him and he told me school had him stressed out and he didn't want to do it before finals. So then I thought after finals! But now he's starting a new class this week.... and it still hasn't happened. And all I can think is that maybe he doesn't love me anymore and maybe he doesn't want to ask me so now I'm sitting here crying and I'm going to look like hell for the rest of the day and I just want to get a fucking gun and shoot myself in the head and it's all my fault. I have never felt so unbelievably insecure in our relationship as I do right now. I thought he loved me. But now I'm not so sure.

And on top of it all I feel deserted by my friends. They're too busy, we miss each other's calls, I leave messages for them online that go completely unanswered. I could really use a friend right now but everyone seems to wrapped up in everything else. I'm being ditched for people I don't like..... I just hate it. I miss my friends and I really need advice but no one is ever around. I feel so alone. Everyone else has their perfect lives and I have a life that's falling apart.

I'm so sad. I'm so incredibly, heart breakingly sad. I just want to sit here and cry my entire heart out.

Eep, I always have a time where I can't find anything to write about and now is one of those times. I always wish that my life was more exciting so people would read my blog and be all, "Holy cow, that is craziness!" Then again, I think I'd be much more tired than I already am if I had such an exciting life.

Some big news is that I was officially allowed back into school as a Monday. I went to meet with the associate dean of the College of Arts and Sciences at 9:00 AM. Scary man, I'm not sure I even caught his name because I was tired and a bit nervous. We pretty much talked about why I left school, what I've been doing since I left, and what I'm going to do differently this time around. So i guess I should put that out here, since I never did fully explain myself to anyone:

• I left school for a few reasons. Frankly, they didn't want me there. I never went to classes because they bored me and so I didn't do too hot. A lot of this had to do with the fact that my marketing major wasn't nearly as interesting as I thought it'd be. Also, my parents, whether they knew it or not, put a lot of pressure on me and rather than trying to come out on top I just let the pressure push me down. I feel like an idiot because I could have gone about this in a completely different way than I did and because of it I'm going to be a lot older than I want to be when I graduate college. Then again, I never was quite like everyone else.
• Since school I've been working full time, as everyone knows. I do like my job but I also don't like it. I think I work so much that I've forgotten about the important things about my job and that's sad. I've come to realize that a lot of the corporate people at Caribou are the same way. I mean seriously, do the guests really care if the light bulbs are dusted every day? No. They care whether or not I make them a perfect cappuccino. I'll be staying with Caribou when I go back to school (although I'll be transferring to a different store) but I definitely think I've been jaded.
  
• I really do think that after taking so much time off from school I'm ready to go back. I did this all on my own this time and I won't have my parents' financial backing. I like the feeling of being independant on this and that means I'm counting only on myself. I know what I want this time and life doesn't have me so confused this time. I want to do well, I want a degree and I'm doing this for me only, not for anyone else.

So there you have it.

I have some other good news too. We have a new kitty! Her name is Molly and she is BEAUTIFUL! We got her from Ellyn, the girl who moved into my old apartment in River Falls with Emalyn. Ellyn's boyfriend (or ex... I don't really know what they are to each other) didn't want Molly anymore and I didn't just want her to go to the Humane Society so we decided to take her. She's SO cute and she and Metro get along okay. Yesterday we took Molly to the vet to get fixed and to get her vaccinations. I figured she'd be out of it for awhile but after sleeping all day yesterday she is pretty much back to her old self. Amazing!

Also, I am planning a major girls weekend in June which I am SO excited for! We're going up my Mom and Dad's for the weekend and it's just going to be amazing! I've invited Amber, Elisa, Nina, Taryn and Jill. So it should be a pretty great time!

Anyway.... that's my update for now. More soon, I'm sure!