I am SO FUCKING SICK of certain people at work. I'm tired of it. I am one of the people that has been at that store the longest (with the exception of Claire) and yet I get treated like crap by someone who is a total idiot.

Ellie. God I am starting to hate her. She's a busy body, she's nosy, she acts like she knows everything and like she's the boss of everyone and everything. I can't stand it anymore. I'm tired of having to be nice to her because it's work and I don't want to cause trouble. I just want to shake her and tell her she can't always have her way and she doesn't have to act like such a goddamn bitch when she doesn't get her way.

I'm not even going to go into all the reasons why I can't stand her. I will name a few recent things, though:

• Sunday I come into work and, big surprise, nothing's done. It's not a surprise because Ellie spends so much time in the back room talking to Chris and Jake that she can't seem to get her real work done. So then she's in back looking at the schedule and realizes that on Thursday she's scheduled to work at 2 (I'm in from 2 to close). Well she's all pissy because she's supposed to work at Lund's at 12:30 and she supposedly told Chris that. I tell her to call Martha to see if maybe she can come in from 12 to 2. Martha can't so then she calls Chris, who tells her somehow it will get figured out. Meanwhile I go out front to start doing all the work she didn't do. Travis and Danny are there and then Ellie walks out. She asks if I can possibly come in at noon instead of 2. I tell her I'll come in at 1 but I don't want to do a noon to close... that means I have to leave here at 11 and I'm not back home until 10. There's no way. She pulls the "I'd do it for you" card which is BULLSHIT because I know she wouldn't. I tell her no, I'll come in at one but not noon and not 12:30. So right away she gets this fucking attitude with me and acts like it's my fault that she got scheduled wrong and how dare I not work 9 and a half fucking hours and be away from home for 11 and a half. UGH! She does this right in front of Danny and Travis and customers.
  
• The other reason I'm so frickin' annoyed is today. We had a manager meeting about certain things coming up in the store. When we were done talking about that Chris asked if we had anything else to say. Ellie and Jake kept coming up with all this extra stuff for the night crew to do and it was making me mad because it already falls on us that if the morning crew doesn't finish their tasks then the night crew has to do it. So I say that it'd be nice if the morning crew could pay more attention to their tasks so that it doesn't overlap for the night crew. I explained that yesterday was ridiculously busy and that not a whole lot was done and I ended up having to keep Travis for an extra hour so that I could play catch up. Ellie IMMEDIATELY gets defensive and says that she did too get things done and that it was hard because it was so busy. Well no duh you stupid bitch, it was just as busy when I came in and I got all my stuff done PLUS yours. UGH! Martha, Chris and Jake were just like "Woah" as if there was going to be a cat fight, which pisses me off SO MUCH because I wasn't bitchy about it at all, so why does she have to be?

I can't stand it. I am so sick of her acting like she's my boss when she doesn't even do her job well. She thinks she's little miss princess and she can do whatever she wants and nothing she does is wrong. It sucks!

UGH!

Okay, I'm done with my rant now. I just really needed to vent because I am so tired of being treated badly. It really upsets me and gets to me. I know it shouldn't but I feel like I don't get treated with the amount of respect that I deserve and a lot of that is because Ellie makes it seem like she's so wonderful when she isn't.

And on top of that Dustin scared me to death tonight because he wasn't home and wasn't asnwering his phone.

It's just been one of those days.

More (hopefully better stuff) soon.

As always it takes me awhile to write. I keep meaning to and I've even started a few times but for some reason I just can't finish. I've been too wrapped up with work and life that I can't seem to get my thoughts in order!

This week there was a school shooting at Virginia Tech and it just makes me SO SAD. I've been watching and watching the news and reading the newspapers and I just cannot understand. This kid was screwed up and because of it 32 people are dead. I have a friend who says "those are 32 deaths out of how many that happen EVERY DAY that are not reported about." True. But these are deaths that shouldn't have happened. They are deaths that could have been avoided. I want to hate this person and yet feel sorry for him at the same time. I'm angry that he couldn't seek help, that he just sat there and let it all build up until it finally exploded. However life is hard and it does suck. And what could have been going through his head to make him want to murder people like it's absolutely NOTHING. It's sick. It's so sick. What must his parents be going through? I'm just sad that our world is like this and sometimes it feels like nothing can be done to change anything.

Work has been... work. We have a new boss, Chris, and so far he seems okay. He's no Tracy but he's definitely no Hank (ex boss from Borders that I feel an extreme anger toward for how he treated me). So far I think everyone's just trying to settle a little bit. The thing that has made me really appreciate him is that yesterday he actually went over next week's schedule with me to make sure that the hours and days he's given me are okay. He didn't need to do that. It was so nice that he did.

So the boss is nice but there is a coworker that I'm starting to get angry with. Ellie. Usually I just put up with her but... I don't know. The last time I worked with her at all she spent all her time in the back, as always, talking to Jake while I was out front by myself. It's annoying. When I come in to close and she's been working the mid shift she claims it was too busy for her to get her crap done. Well maybe that's because she too freaking busy in the back and not doing her job. AND YET who gets to go to a shift supervisor meeting next week? Ellie does. She doesn't deserve it. Jake does. And I feel like I do. Martha does. We all do our jobs. Ellie can't seem to get it together but she's enough of a busy body to push herself right in. And it makes me really upset. But I'm too nice to say anything to her. It just sucks. I really can't wait until I transfer and until I'm only working 20 hours a week and I don't care so much. I'll graduate and get my degree and then all this stupid stuff won't matter so much. Right now, though, it hurts.

This past weekend Dustin and I hung out with Rich and Nina. Some people just think that's BIZARRE considering that Rich is my ex and that Nina is his girlfriend. And yeah, it is a little bizarre. But I think very highly of Rich and I would have been sad to lose him from my life completely. And Nina is amazing. I seriously can't believe how quickly we've become such good friends but it's just GREAT. We had such a good time this weekend (I won't mention Dustin's and my little fight) and I am so grateful for the friends I have!

For now I'm still plugging away and just trying to live my life the best way I can.

More soon!

I don't understand what is wrong with me and why I feel the need to dwell on people who aren't in my life anymore. It doesn't happen with everyone.... I don't really care about James or Lewann or what not.

Lately, though, I keep having dreams about Josh. Not bad dreams, I would never leave Dustin for Josh and I don't regret not staying with Josh in a romantic sense. I made some bad decisions when it came to Josh but the one thing I know is that we did not make a good couple. However, for some reason I am still sad that we stopped being friends. He did a horrible thing by listening to Kim when she told him to stop being friends with me. Then again, I did a horrible thing by leaving him to go back to Rich (which lasted about 2 weeks before Rich screwed me over AGAIN). It's just screwed up. Josh made is crystal clear that not only does he not want to be my friend but he also pretty much hates me. I'm not entirely sure what I even did to make him feel like that. We were friends again and he forgave me for what I did. Whatever it is, he turned so cruel and so unlike the Josh that he used to be.

But I keep having dreams that he and I run into each other and make up. I wake up feeling sad that there is absolutely nothing I can do. I also feel mad at myself because I shouldn't want his friendship. And the only time I really think about him anymore is when I have one of these random dreams.

I don't want to be his friend. He treated me badly and he did it simply because Kim was being a bitch (she had absolutely no right whatsoever to think that I wanted Josh back, I know I didn't act like that because I never wanted him back). I wish I could just make these dreams go away because they tend to haunt me for the rest of the day after I've had them. It's just so frustrating!

Aside from that, life is life. We went to my cousin Mandy's wedding this past weekend and it was a lot of fun. My whole family loves Dustin, especially when he brought out his craziness. He definitely fits and that makes me so happy. We danced the night away and it was good. Plus I got my Vienna hot dogs and that's always a good thing, hehe.

This weekend I have THE ENTIRE WEEKEND OFF (this includes FRIDAY)! I'm doing a little shopping on Friday and pretty much just relaxing after having to deal with a semi stressful work week. Saturday I want to clean our place up a little bit and Nina and Rich are coming over (yay yay yay yay). We're going out to the bars and I'm so excited because it's going to be so much fun, I can just feel it! And Sunday most likely we'll all just be hungover!

As for work, we've got some good news. We're finally going to have a manager again. His name is Chris and he's worked at another store before, which is good because at least things won't totally fall apart the first few weeks when he tries to figure everything out. I'm still nervous because who knows how things will go back at least we're going to get on somewhat stable ground. I guess we'll see what happens.

AND. I bought my first bridle magazine yesterday, hehe. Actually Dustin bought it for me! It's fun to look through it and get ideas and it's fun.

Anyway, must get ready for work. More soon!!

I haven't written much because I've been working so much that I don't exactly have a whole lot to say. It's weird not having Tracy at work anymore. The schedule is a little weird and it's weird having Jake giving the orders. There isn't that something extra that Tracy brought to the table. Ellie is walking around acting as if she owns the place. I have a hard time dealing with her. She's been there, what, a few months? She acts like she's been there longer than anyone and she has every right in the world to tell everyone what to do. Jake is trying him best but I'm sure he's not in the world's best position. And no matter who takes Tracy's place it won't be the same. I am not trying to be negative about this, I just feel like I'm being realistic. I know it's just a job. But I take a lot of pride in my job. And now it kind of feels like it's all being turned upside down and that's so sad.

Yesterday I got my letter from River Falls. I don't know if I mentioned this or not but I re-applied. Well, the letter says that I need to write a letter to the dean of my college explaining why I left and then I need to make an appointment with the dean to discuss the letter. Dustin had to do exactly the same thing so I'm pretty sure this means I'm back in. Which means I just have to do this dean stuff and then figure out financial aid. It's scary! This is truly my last chance to do this right. When I told Mom and Dad they weren't exactly thrilled for me although I guess I don't know why they would be. I have to prove to them that this isn't just another thing that I will fail at. And I won't this time. So anyway, I'll probably transfer from my Caribou to the one in Hudson around July or August and then I will be back to school in the fall. And we will see how it goes.

Dustin still has not proposed. I'm kind of sad. I keep waiting and waiting and it feels like I'm going to burst! I don't like surprises. I want this so much but at the same time I don't want to be caught off guard by it. I'm just ready and ansty! I've been doing some research on planning a wedding and it's a BIG DEAL. And I want this to be an amazing wedding. We already kind of realized we'll have to give up the boat reception because

1. It's A LOT of money
2. You can't use your own caterer
3. You can't have CANDLES (so dumb!)

So now I need to figure things out. And I'm itching to do it! I just need to wait around for Dustin.

A lot is changing VERY fast. That's always been scary for me and it always causes me to freak out and shut down. I won't do that this time. I can handle this.

I hope.

More soon.