As I figured Dustin and I ended up getting into a H-U-G-E fight after I wrote. It was really bad and, as usual, we both pretty much said it was over, the yelled and screamed, then cried and finally made up and went to bed. I hate these fights. They completely wear me out. We need to stop this. I know I can be controlling and selfish and I have a temper problem. But I don't want to lose Dustin! He says we're good together. But how can we be if we fight the way that we do? We both said we'd try to make it stop. But we've said that before. I hate having this fear when I used to be so sure of our relationship. I hope it gets better, I truly do.

On a good note, last night Dustin told me that he wanted to try quitting smoking. This is H-U-G-E news and I really hope he didn't say it just because he'd been drinking. I just worry a lot about him, especially after what happened with his mom, and after how I lost two, nearly three of my grandparents. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. If we can get through this fighting then I want to grow old with him. I don't want to lose him early because of gross cigarettes.

I've been having a lot of problems dealing with my past lately. I'm mad at Rich because he claims we'll hang out but it never happens. And do I really want to see him? And why do I want to see him? And it's the same with Josh. I'd love to call him but I'm scared he won't call back or, if he answers, he'll hang up on me. He has me blocked on Facebook. Thing is, I can't figure out what happened. Yeah, I got pissed at him for not calling me back and maybe I shouldn't have. But a lot of me seriously thinks that Kim was the reason behind him ending out friendship. I want to know. But I wonder if knowing would help settle me. And Shannon. I don't want her back after what she did to me. But I want her to stay away from Amber and Elisa, which I doubt will happen. I'm jealous. And as soon as I messaged Amber on Facebook Shannon blocked me. For some reason that irritates me. Why do I even care?!?! Why does it all bother me so much? Why can't I be content in my life as it is right now? Because I'm pretty damn lucky. I just cannot put the past behind me. I think back to it and I can't help reliving it and wishing things were different. And that makes me sad.

I joined a gym yesterday. I really want to make things better with myself and my weight. I've become really unhappy with my physical appearance and I know that has everything to do with my weight. It's funny because back in the day I HATED my body and now I wish that I could have it back. Sure I had a little bit of a stomach. But now it's gotten so much worse. I want that old body back. And hopefully I'll get it back.

Will Dustin propose to me in Puerto Rico if we go?

More on that later.