I am so tired of arguing with people about the holidays. The entire issue has me totally stressed out. It's bad enough that I barely ever get to see Mom and Dad, let alone Grandma and Grandpa. But now it seems like everyone is on my case about it and that's got me really upset.

Maybe I am being selfish. But I do not want to miss out on what might be my last holidays with my grandparents. I cannot imagine not getting to see them, I cannot imagine being stuck here and having to work. So you know what, I'm selfish. I don't really care anymore and I am not going to apologize for it.

So to those of you that think I'm being a bitch about this or think that I don't have a right to be upset, then screw you. You obviously have no idea what my life is like right now and that doesn't make you much of a friend.

God I am so upset. Everytime I call my grandmother she sounds worse and it makes me so sad. And I don't even talk to Grandpa anymore. It's like they're slipping out of my life and there is nothing that I can do about it and that makes me SO SAD. And now on top of everything else I'm getting treated like crap by people that I thought we my friends. And I'm just so tired of it. I'm starting to hate the holidays because they're causing all these problems. Talk about bittersweet.

I don't know what to do anymore. If I wasn't getting insurance from Caribou I'd pretty much be saying a big "FUCK YOU" right now. I am so fed up with Tracy and corporate and all the bullshit that comes along with it.

Tonight when I got to work there was a note in my tip drawer from Tracy. To sum it up it pretty much said that I can't have off the holidays that I previously asked off for. It went on to say that it's unfair to everyone else that works at the store and that she just can't promise me those days. At the end of the note it said something like "Thanks for being so understanding about the well being of the rest of the crew here." I couldn't believe it. First of all, I requested those days off back in July. She's known for forever that I wanted those days off and she PREVIOUSLY OKAY'D THEM!!! Second, she's such a sarcastic bitch. Third, why the fuck would she okay those days if they weren't fucking okay with her?

So I called her and, of course, she didn't answer. I left a message telling her it was unfair of her to okay those days off FOREVER ago and then just go back on her word and if she was going to do that then I'd just quit because it wasn't worth it to me.

Obviously she was screening her calls from me because she called me right back. She claims she didn't see that I had asked off for New Years (which is BULLSHIT because she highlighted those days so she had to have seen them along with all the others) and that she wouldn't have okay'd them had she seen them. I started to cry because I am stressed about Grandma and Grandpa being so sick and because I'm tired of dealing with Tracy's bullshit and I just can't handle this anymore. So she pretty much said that she'll promise me Thanksgiving and Christmas but she can't promise me New Years. And it's UNFAIR. I do so much crap for that bitch. She takes away days off she already gave me and I just let her. She wants me in early and I come in early. She needs me to do bullshit for other stores and I do it despite the fact that I HATE going to other stores. I work my ass off at that fucking store and this is how I get treated. And sorry if it seems like I'm overreacting but I am so HURT and ANGRY and I just cannot deal with this, especially since she lied to me on top of everything else.

I just don't know what to do. Sure, I could go find another job but then I lose my insurance. Or I could transfer stores but then I risk not getting the hours I need. So I don't know what to do. I don't trust her. And frankly, I don't really trust anyone in that store anymore. I should have known better. I told myself when I quit Perkins and started at Caribou that I would not develop any relationships with anyone there. Because I didn't want to get hurt anymore. And because I didn't want to feel lied to anymore. Or have rumors started about me. Or come home feeling like shit. And now here it is all over again. But this time I feel so stuck. And I seriously do not know what to do.

Well it looks as if Puerto Rico is almost a definite thing. I didn't realize that I'll be getting back about $1000 in taxes so that'll pretty much cover the trip, food on the trip and taking the week off of work. I cannot believe that this is going to be a real thing. My first REAL vacation with Dustin... it'll be so fun and romantic and now I just have to wait 4 months, lol. That'll give me 4 months to work out though and I definitely need it.

I don't know why I feel so sick of my job lately. I don't know if it's because I've been working so much or what. I feel like there are all these dumb demands being made on me and I'm just really tired of it. We're pretty much being spied on at night because the bakery is being taken down early. It makes me mad because there are so many other things that are wrong with our store and yet the night people are the ones that are being punished. If anything gets done early so idiots from corporate will be waiting out in the parking lot to fire us. How ridiculous is that? Not to mention we have a two hour holiday meeting next week which is a waste of two hours. I'm just tired of all the stupid crap that goes on at the store. I guess this is really making me realize just how badly I NEED to go back to school because I certainly don't want this for the rest of my life.

I've been thinking a lot about dying lately. I wish I could figure out why because it's not exactly a good thing to be thinking about. It'll flash in my mind that yes, one day I am going to die. And that terrifies me. Maybe it's different once you get older and, I don't know, tired of life. But I cannot even comprehend not being around anymore. And what will happen to me once I do die. I mean, what if that's just IT and then I'm in the ground. How can that just be IT!?!?!?!? I have to think that there had to be some kind of afterlife but then again, if there's an afterlife then why is there this kind of life in the first place? Why can't we just always be in the afterlife? Or why can't we just live forever? What is the point? I know these are questions that can be supposedly answered in church but even then I wonder how they get all these answers and why it is that they so easily believe in them. I mean, it's not as if God came down and told us exactly what will happen. So how can anyone be so sure? And that is what scares me.

More soon.

It is amazing how tired I am from this weekend. We stayed up later than I'm used to (which is only about 1 AM but generally I am asleep before midnight) and slept until 11 in the morning. There were lots of games played (Apples to Apples, categories, Ninetendo) and a haunted house (that was hella scary) and it was a generally good time. Except for when my brother turned into a jerk and that kind of sucked. Kind of a lame end to an otherwise good weekend.

I'm really bummed out because Kalyn messaged me on Myspace and told me she's bummed because I was supposedly discussing her love life to someone at work. I truly don't remember discussin it with anyone that I shouldn't have and she won't get back to be to tell me who it was. So now she doesn't trust me and this has put a huge damped on my weekend, especially after what happened with Ryan. I am so stressed out right now with my friendships, I feel like everything keeps getting screwed up and I'm left with no one. I guess that's not completely true but I'm really not happy about this and with Kalyn not even explaining to me what happened I'm not really sure what to do.

Why do I feel as if I'm not getting enough out of life lately? I feel like I just sit by and try to make each day pass as quickly as possible, even the good days. I don't know how to make this stop and I wish I could someone get more out of my life. I'm scared that one day I will look back and be sad that I didn't take things in more. I already feel like that now, I look back on high school and the first few years of college and I wish that I had appreciated everything more.

More soon. Dustin's home with food.

I am not quite sure what to do with work. I am unhappy that Sunita was hired, not because I don't like her as a person, because she seems perfectly nice, but it is so incredibly hard to work with her due to the language barrier. It is hard for her to understand how to work the register, I have no idea how she works on bar but I'm sure that's not any better. It is hard for customers to understand her and I feel as if I can't leave from behind the counter because she might mess something up. I am trying so hard not to be a bad person about this but she is just not getting it at all and it is incredibly frustrating for me. I've tried to discuss this with Tracy and while she understands where I'm coming from I don't see anything being done about the situation. It just really disappoints me.

This weekend Dustin, Shawn, Taryn and I are meeting Ryan and Lindsay up at Mom and Dad's for the weekend. I am SO psyched about this, especially because I'll be getting a four day weekend. I really just need to kick back and have fun and not worry so much. After that it'll be another long work week so I just really want to relax until then.

More soon.

I am starting to get really sick of work. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and I don't really know how to stand up for myself. Yesterday when I got to work there were things that weren't done (of course it had been Jake that was there before me so I don't know why I was even surprised). Then I found out Tracy changed next week's schedule so I only get one day off instead of two, and yet I'm still working the same amount of hours. On top of it she wanted me to set up all this stupid Halloween crap. I'm just tired. I'm tired of getting phone calls from other stores, I'm tired of Tracy making me feel guilty when I don't feel like working certain shifts, I'm tired of closing all the time, of stupid customers, of all of it. And I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I've pretty much decided that I'll wait till fall semester 2007 to go back to school so that means I have a little less than a year still at Caribou. That seems like such a long time. I really need a break. And I wish I could talk to Tracy about all the pressure she's putting on me but every time I start to I back down. She gives me some song and dance about why she needed to do certain things and then I feel bad for being angry. It's a bad situation, I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Puerto Rico. Dustin brought up wanting to go there over spring break and at first I thought that there was no way I could afford to take a week off of work on top of paying for the plane ticket AND the stay at his dad's condo (we'd get a discount but we wouldn't get it for free). However, now that I've thought about it I figure if I save up my tips from work, along with Christmas money and money back from taxes I should be able to afford going. And I really NEED to go. Not to mention I think maybe this could be where Dustin will propose. I know I need to stop worrying about it so much, it's pretty damn controlling, but I can't help it! I just think it would be a great vacation for both of us and I'd love to go.

Anyway. Must go eat because I have to leave for work at 12:45. Bleh. More soon.

As I figured Dustin and I ended up getting into a H-U-G-E fight after I wrote. It was really bad and, as usual, we both pretty much said it was over, the yelled and screamed, then cried and finally made up and went to bed. I hate these fights. They completely wear me out. We need to stop this. I know I can be controlling and selfish and I have a temper problem. But I don't want to lose Dustin! He says we're good together. But how can we be if we fight the way that we do? We both said we'd try to make it stop. But we've said that before. I hate having this fear when I used to be so sure of our relationship. I hope it gets better, I truly do.

On a good note, last night Dustin told me that he wanted to try quitting smoking. This is H-U-G-E news and I really hope he didn't say it just because he'd been drinking. I just worry a lot about him, especially after what happened with his mom, and after how I lost two, nearly three of my grandparents. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. If we can get through this fighting then I want to grow old with him. I don't want to lose him early because of gross cigarettes.

I've been having a lot of problems dealing with my past lately. I'm mad at Rich because he claims we'll hang out but it never happens. And do I really want to see him? And why do I want to see him? And it's the same with Josh. I'd love to call him but I'm scared he won't call back or, if he answers, he'll hang up on me. He has me blocked on Facebook. Thing is, I can't figure out what happened. Yeah, I got pissed at him for not calling me back and maybe I shouldn't have. But a lot of me seriously thinks that Kim was the reason behind him ending out friendship. I want to know. But I wonder if knowing would help settle me. And Shannon. I don't want her back after what she did to me. But I want her to stay away from Amber and Elisa, which I doubt will happen. I'm jealous. And as soon as I messaged Amber on Facebook Shannon blocked me. For some reason that irritates me. Why do I even care?!?! Why does it all bother me so much? Why can't I be content in my life as it is right now? Because I'm pretty damn lucky. I just cannot put the past behind me. I think back to it and I can't help reliving it and wishing things were different. And that makes me sad.

I joined a gym yesterday. I really want to make things better with myself and my weight. I've become really unhappy with my physical appearance and I know that has everything to do with my weight. It's funny because back in the day I HATED my body and now I wish that I could have it back. Sure I had a little bit of a stomach. But now it's gotten so much worse. I want that old body back. And hopefully I'll get it back.

Will Dustin propose to me in Puerto Rico if we go?

More on that later.

It has been a long time. And a lot has changed. And I'm scared. And sad. And unsure. And I just simply am hating how I'm feeling.

I am so mad at Dustin lately. It's like he doesn't even care about my feelings anymore. He doesn't care that my day today was horrible and stessful, he just proceeds to treat me badly and then acts like nothing is wrong. I think that's what makes me the most upset, that we fight and then he acts like absolutely nothing happened. It just makes me so sad. And it makes me question us. And I guess I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. Maybe I don't want to talk to anyone about it. When things like this happen I don't want anyone to know that anything is wrong because I guess admitting that would be bringing the problem to life. I wish I could figure something out. I wish Dustin would TALK TO ME.

Work was hell today. I don't mean to act like a bitch but I cannot deal with Sunita. I know she means well and she's trying to be sweet and all but I cannot believe Tracy hired her! I worked with her for five hours today and I truly felt as if I was working by myself. I couldn't even leave her alone so that I could do the dishes. And yet when I try to call Tracy about the situation she doesn't bother to call me back. Great. I don't know what to do. I don't have the time or the patience to deal with this kind of situation. And maybe that makes me a bad person. But I don't want to make other people mad because I can't get the stuff done on the shift that should be all finished when the next shift starts.

It all sounds like a lot of complaining. And I guess I'm not even writing it to anyone. I just want to vent. And this used to be the place I could do that. So I guess I'm back,