So.... I failed my shiftie test. By 3 points. Because Tracy didn't completely go over everything I would need to know. Which I guess is my way of not taking responsibility for studying because I did have the shiftie training book. But I was told that I would learn certain things later, like the warehouse order and training in new team members. And then that suddenly appeared on the test. However, when I called Tracy yesterday she said that Molly, our distric manager, said that I passed. So.... I guess I'm a shiftie? I have keys to the store. And last night I was in charge when Melvin and I closed. It's weird, it feels sort of wrong. Ah well... it's also really cool, lol.

I'm starting to pack up my life again. It really makes me wonder if I will ever settle down and live somewhere for longer than a year. Since I graduated high school I have not stayed in one place for longer than a year and it's really starting to wear on me. I hate having to pack up all my things and be stressed about moving. I just want to stay somewhere and have that be home. And I hate having to put my friends out. I'm having to stay with Shannon and Ryan for 10 days and I really don't want to have to do that. And Bruggie's going to come out here to help me move my heavier stuff out to Shan and Ryan's. Then he'll have to come out here AGAIN to help move it to RF. It just sucks.

I guess I shouldn't be complaining too much. In less than a month Dustin and I will be living together. Like probably any girl, I am SUPER excited. First off, I cannot wait to live with boys instead of girls. I really cannot stand living with girls, especially girls that don't act their ages, girls that are loud and gossipy and more than a little obnoxious. I really wish I would have made the decision to live with boys sooner but at the same time I didn't want to be living with some guy I didn't know... that seems sort of dangerous. Then again, I lived with Kassi and look how that turned out. I guess you never can tell. Anyway.... it's just weird. At this time last year D and I weren't even really friends and I was totally in love with Rich. Now Dustin and I are moving in together and talking about getting married someday. And Rich.... isn't really in the picture anymore. It's so odd how life works out and how you sometimes just do not see something coming.

In a way, I'm kind of sad. Not about Dustin and me, because I truly could not be happier. But I'm sad about how things turned out with Rich. Some days I just miss being able to call him on the phone. I miss counting him as someone I could talk to if things weren't good.... or if things were REALLY good. I have to hold myself back from calling him up and asking for that back. I guess maybe he was right when he said that we never really had a friendship. And that still really hurts me. We may have been totally dysfunctional. But that didn't make me care for him any less. And I still wonder every day how he's doing. I still worry about him and I still find myself wanting him to be happy. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm better off not having him in my life. And believe me, I don't miss the drama and the tears and the uncertainties. But Rich did not just bring bad things to the table. And no matter what any of my friends try to tell me, I know that everything that happened wasn't just Rich's fault. I just really wish that things could have ended up better. And I just have to get that out because I'm tired of being told that I'm so much better off. Because a small part of me isn't better off.

I keep thinking about all the people I've lost lately. Kassi.... who I used to be friends with and maybe had we not moved in together we would be friends. Then again, would I have ever found out how unhinged she was? But we were at one time friends and I so wish that it had been different. Then there's Josh, who I don't even know what happened. One day we were friends and I thought everything was cool. The next he can't be bothered to answer his phone or return my calls. Nichole and I stopped talking.... and I have to wonder if it's just because we became so different, more different than we were when we first met. I haven't talked to her in over a year. And I miss her. And Ben. He and I started out as such great friends. I really miss his tough attitude and his ability to make me want to be a stronger person.

Is this what life is? I'm actually starting to regret a lot of things. I may be so happy with the people I do have in my life.... I could not ask for better friends or for a better boyfriend. But I truly miss the people that have gone out of my life for one reason or another. And I wish, I wish SO MUCH that there was a way to get them back. But I have absolutely no idea where to start.

This entry turned out to be a lot different than I thought it would. And now, when I should be showering and getting ready for work, I'm sitting at my computer crying about the things that could have been.... or would have been.... or should have been.

Growing up really sucks sometimes. I wish I could just grow down instead.

More soon.