Okay have I turned into the most hated person and no one's telling me? Or do I have some kind of disease and no one wants to be around me? Because I'm starting to feel a little shafted. And a lot hurt.

I feel like I'm losing people that I really didn't want to lose. I know that I am one of those people that is really opinionated and outspoken and I wear all of my emotions right on my sleeve. I know I can be difficult to get along with and sometimes I get mad for silly reasons. But I also feel like I try the best that I can to treat my friends well and to let them know how much I care for them and appreciate them. It really hurts me when I lose a friend and lately I feel like I'm losing A LOT.

Josh pretty much told me that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore and he didn't really give me a good reason. The only reason I was ever upset with him was because he couldn't take two seconds to text me and tell me he couldn't return my calls because he was busy. So after two months of silence he finally tells me that he just doesn't feel like being my friend anymore. And that really hurts because I never did anything wrong to him. And what makes me angry is that he showed up with Kim to the New Years party and just acted like nothing was wrong. And he made me feel uncomfortable by telling me that Kim was uncomfortable around me. He almost made me miss a party I was co-hosting and all the time he had in his mind that he didn't want to be friends. And that sucks and hurts. I wish I knew where the old Josh was because this new Josh doesn't seem to have any of the heart and soul that he used to. He's become someone that is cold and cruel. And that really sucks because he used to be a damn good person.

Then there is Rich. I honestly miss him. I think all the nights spent closing with Jack made me realize that. I don't know if I've mentioned before how much Jack reminds me of Rich. I've been thinking for awhile now about how much I truly miss Rich's company. Things got so messed up and they were messed up for so long and I regret not getting to know Rich the way I think I should have. So many people are quick to point out how badly he treated me but the thing is that I didn't treat him so great either. I've started to see that he and I never would have ended up together, no matter how badly I wanted it. There were certain things about us that just didn't click the way they needed to, the way they click for Dustin and me. But all of that drama doesn't change that fact that there are things about Rich that I admire and respect and miss an awful lot. I hate that I have to pretend like it doesn't matter to me. It truly hurts me that we've become practically strangers and I feel like there's nothing I can do to fix that.

And James. I do stand by the e-mails I wrote him and the things that I said to him. And he did say some very hurtful things and up until recently I was so angry with him that I didn't want him anywhere near me again. However, James was a good friend of mine and I can't say that I don't miss him. It's weird because in some ways James and I had absolutely nothing in common. Sometimes I couldn't figure out why on earth he and I were friends. When Rich broke up with me and a little later Shannon broke up with James we suddenly had something in common. And from that I really came to appreciate having James as my friend. I really miss him but I guess I'm too proud to admit that. I'm just so tired of apologizing to people and having them think that that means they didn't do anything wrong either.

It just sucks. I mean, I see that you can regain friendships because I was able to do that with Jenny and Shannon. And I know there's hope because those were two friendships I truly thought were gone forever. But I just don't see how there is any way to fix things.