(The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Wednesday, March 30, 2005, and sent via FutureMe.org)

Dear FutureMe,

I just receive the e-mail I sent myself last year and am so amazed at how much has changed in one year. It is time to write myself another letter and see what happens in one more year.

I am slowly falling in love with Rich again. I really hope things work for us this time and that when I recieve this e-mail we are together, strong, and in love. Remember, stop stressing about the small stuff! You two are SO GOOD TOGETHER so don't hold all his imperfections against him.

Next week I will start serving at Perkins. I have no idea where it will take me but hopefully I will make a damn good server and stick with it for awhile. Not to mention get some money saved!!

School is hard right now and I know I have a lot of time left. GO TO CLASSES. Skipping gets to absolutely nowhere but bad places and it sucks to worry so much about whether or not you'll be passing at the end of the semester.

Stay out of the drama.

Above all, love yourself, love your friends, and be safe and happy.

Krysten


Wow. I just got home from picking up dishes and pots and pans from Mom and Dad's and I return home to this e-mail. How weird. It is so weird how things change. Part of it makes me sort of sad. I mean, I'm glad I got over Rich because he was like an addiction and I'm a lot healthier now that I'm not in love with him. But I'm sad that it took me pretty much losing him to gain what I've got now. He's not a bad person. And I miss having him around. I wish I'd gotten to know him better. I wish he'd give me a chance to let me do that now.

It is a year since I wrote myself that e-mail and in that year I lost some people I was close to, I found love with one of my best friends (not Amber and Shannon, lol), I've grown up and made a few decisions for myself.

Oh. What will life be like in another year? And why does it suddenly feel like time is flying by SO FUCKING FAST?

Hmm. What should I say to next year's me?

So I'm a little pissed off about something. I know I mentioned all this business about LaTricia and how Tracy thinks/thought she was stealing from the store. Well, today when I came into work Tracy pulled me into the back to first complain about how shitty close was last night (she was nitpicking about stupid busy work and, I'm sorry, but I am not there to be a slave at night) and then to tell me that LaTricia confronted her and said that I was the one that told her. It makes me SO MAD because I never said a word to LaTricia about what was going on. Why would I? That would mean I would have to confront her about it and I am not about confronting someone about something like that. I know it's pretty much my word against LaTricia's and Tracy says she believes me but who knows. It really sucks because I truly did not say anything and now Tracy has lost trust in me. Not to mention that when I closed with LaTricia the other day SHE took the garbage out and threw the trash into the wrong bins. The next day Tracy confronted me and said that LaTricia told her that I was the one that took out the trash. I'm sick of it, LaTricia and her lying are pissing me off, especially because it makes me look like I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

There are other things at work that are starting to annoy me. Katie seriously walks around like she's second in command when in reality she's a shiftie just like all of us other shifties. However, she bosses all of us around like she owns us or something. If Molly, the DM, comes in and says that things need to be cleaned or what not Katie just pushes it onto someone else and can't be bothered to move her lazy ass and do it herself. It just really sickening, Tracy sits and talks about how no one is better than anyone else and yet Katie obviously gets all this special treatment.

Kalyn and I were talking about this last night and she told me that she wants to call Corporate. Frankly, I'm about to back her up on it and call them myself. I'm really tired of this Katie issue and I'm tired of being told about shitty closes when Katie and Tracy have absolutely no idea what it's like to close considering they BARELY EVER CLOSE. When they both started working at Caribou Corporate said that they both had to close a little bit but that seemed to go out the window. It's just really unfair. I mean, I like Tracy and I can tolerate Katie for the most part but I don't know how else to go about this situation. It seems childish to go to Corporate to tattle on the but how else are things going to change?

So Dustin and I got word that our application went through for the townhouse we looked at in RF. We're moving on SUNDAY, how nuts is that??? I've been really stressed out lately because I've been getting these not so great texts from some random person about Dustin cheating on me and this, plus a few other things, caused a huge fight between us on Monday. It didn't help that I was freaking out because my car was totally snowed in and I had to call into work. All of this added up to an almost all day fight and it was just really horrible. On top of all that, I found out that back when I told Doug to screw off he e-mailed Dustin and told him that I was cheating on him with Rich. Not that that matters so much because Dustin obviously didn't believe him but it makes me so angry that people seem to find joy in trying to break us up. Needless to say I sent Doug a message telling him to grow up and start acting like an adult. ANYWAY.... so Monday was an incredibly shitty day but I finally told Dustin about the texts I was getting, although I realized I'd deleted them when I went through to delete my messages from Josh. So hopefully the phantom texter will text again so Dustin can call them up and tell them off.

In other news, I texted Rich and asked him if we could try to be friends. He said that that could be doable although right now he's up North doing stuff for work. I think that's better for now, though, I'd rather just keep it to the phone and internet for awhile. But I do feel better because for awhile now I've regretted never trying to be friends with him and, like I've said, I do miss him. I also texted James to ask to talk to him. He called me but I've been so busy the last few days that our talk may have to wait. But at least I'm trying, right?

Anyway.... I need to go to bed in a few hours so I can wake up at 5AM and go to work AGAIN. Bleh. More soon!

Okay have I turned into the most hated person and no one's telling me? Or do I have some kind of disease and no one wants to be around me? Because I'm starting to feel a little shafted. And a lot hurt.

I feel like I'm losing people that I really didn't want to lose. I know that I am one of those people that is really opinionated and outspoken and I wear all of my emotions right on my sleeve. I know I can be difficult to get along with and sometimes I get mad for silly reasons. But I also feel like I try the best that I can to treat my friends well and to let them know how much I care for them and appreciate them. It really hurts me when I lose a friend and lately I feel like I'm losing A LOT.

Josh pretty much told me that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore and he didn't really give me a good reason. The only reason I was ever upset with him was because he couldn't take two seconds to text me and tell me he couldn't return my calls because he was busy. So after two months of silence he finally tells me that he just doesn't feel like being my friend anymore. And that really hurts because I never did anything wrong to him. And what makes me angry is that he showed up with Kim to the New Years party and just acted like nothing was wrong. And he made me feel uncomfortable by telling me that Kim was uncomfortable around me. He almost made me miss a party I was co-hosting and all the time he had in his mind that he didn't want to be friends. And that sucks and hurts. I wish I knew where the old Josh was because this new Josh doesn't seem to have any of the heart and soul that he used to. He's become someone that is cold and cruel. And that really sucks because he used to be a damn good person.

Then there is Rich. I honestly miss him. I think all the nights spent closing with Jack made me realize that. I don't know if I've mentioned before how much Jack reminds me of Rich. I've been thinking for awhile now about how much I truly miss Rich's company. Things got so messed up and they were messed up for so long and I regret not getting to know Rich the way I think I should have. So many people are quick to point out how badly he treated me but the thing is that I didn't treat him so great either. I've started to see that he and I never would have ended up together, no matter how badly I wanted it. There were certain things about us that just didn't click the way they needed to, the way they click for Dustin and me. But all of that drama doesn't change that fact that there are things about Rich that I admire and respect and miss an awful lot. I hate that I have to pretend like it doesn't matter to me. It truly hurts me that we've become practically strangers and I feel like there's nothing I can do to fix that.

And James. I do stand by the e-mails I wrote him and the things that I said to him. And he did say some very hurtful things and up until recently I was so angry with him that I didn't want him anywhere near me again. However, James was a good friend of mine and I can't say that I don't miss him. It's weird because in some ways James and I had absolutely nothing in common. Sometimes I couldn't figure out why on earth he and I were friends. When Rich broke up with me and a little later Shannon broke up with James we suddenly had something in common. And from that I really came to appreciate having James as my friend. I really miss him but I guess I'm too proud to admit that. I'm just so tired of apologizing to people and having them think that that means they didn't do anything wrong either.

It just sucks. I mean, I see that you can regain friendships because I was able to do that with Jenny and Shannon. And I know there's hope because those were two friendships I truly thought were gone forever. But I just don't see how there is any way to fix things.

So.... I failed my shiftie test. By 3 points. Because Tracy didn't completely go over everything I would need to know. Which I guess is my way of not taking responsibility for studying because I did have the shiftie training book. But I was told that I would learn certain things later, like the warehouse order and training in new team members. And then that suddenly appeared on the test. However, when I called Tracy yesterday she said that Molly, our distric manager, said that I passed. So.... I guess I'm a shiftie? I have keys to the store. And last night I was in charge when Melvin and I closed. It's weird, it feels sort of wrong. Ah well... it's also really cool, lol.

I'm starting to pack up my life again. It really makes me wonder if I will ever settle down and live somewhere for longer than a year. Since I graduated high school I have not stayed in one place for longer than a year and it's really starting to wear on me. I hate having to pack up all my things and be stressed about moving. I just want to stay somewhere and have that be home. And I hate having to put my friends out. I'm having to stay with Shannon and Ryan for 10 days and I really don't want to have to do that. And Bruggie's going to come out here to help me move my heavier stuff out to Shan and Ryan's. Then he'll have to come out here AGAIN to help move it to RF. It just sucks.

I guess I shouldn't be complaining too much. In less than a month Dustin and I will be living together. Like probably any girl, I am SUPER excited. First off, I cannot wait to live with boys instead of girls. I really cannot stand living with girls, especially girls that don't act their ages, girls that are loud and gossipy and more than a little obnoxious. I really wish I would have made the decision to live with boys sooner but at the same time I didn't want to be living with some guy I didn't know... that seems sort of dangerous. Then again, I lived with Kassi and look how that turned out. I guess you never can tell. Anyway.... it's just weird. At this time last year D and I weren't even really friends and I was totally in love with Rich. Now Dustin and I are moving in together and talking about getting married someday. And Rich.... isn't really in the picture anymore. It's so odd how life works out and how you sometimes just do not see something coming.

In a way, I'm kind of sad. Not about Dustin and me, because I truly could not be happier. But I'm sad about how things turned out with Rich. Some days I just miss being able to call him on the phone. I miss counting him as someone I could talk to if things weren't good.... or if things were REALLY good. I have to hold myself back from calling him up and asking for that back. I guess maybe he was right when he said that we never really had a friendship. And that still really hurts me. We may have been totally dysfunctional. But that didn't make me care for him any less. And I still wonder every day how he's doing. I still worry about him and I still find myself wanting him to be happy. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm better off not having him in my life. And believe me, I don't miss the drama and the tears and the uncertainties. But Rich did not just bring bad things to the table. And no matter what any of my friends try to tell me, I know that everything that happened wasn't just Rich's fault. I just really wish that things could have ended up better. And I just have to get that out because I'm tired of being told that I'm so much better off. Because a small part of me isn't better off.

I keep thinking about all the people I've lost lately. Kassi.... who I used to be friends with and maybe had we not moved in together we would be friends. Then again, would I have ever found out how unhinged she was? But we were at one time friends and I so wish that it had been different. Then there's Josh, who I don't even know what happened. One day we were friends and I thought everything was cool. The next he can't be bothered to answer his phone or return my calls. Nichole and I stopped talking.... and I have to wonder if it's just because we became so different, more different than we were when we first met. I haven't talked to her in over a year. And I miss her. And Ben. He and I started out as such great friends. I really miss his tough attitude and his ability to make me want to be a stronger person.

Is this what life is? I'm actually starting to regret a lot of things. I may be so happy with the people I do have in my life.... I could not ask for better friends or for a better boyfriend. But I truly miss the people that have gone out of my life for one reason or another. And I wish, I wish SO MUCH that there was a way to get them back. But I have absolutely no idea where to start.

This entry turned out to be a lot different than I thought it would. And now, when I should be showering and getting ready for work, I'm sitting at my computer crying about the things that could have been.... or would have been.... or should have been.

Growing up really sucks sometimes. I wish I could just grow down instead.

More soon.