Lord.
I swear it's like drama constantly follows me. I try to be a nice, good person and I try to be mature and people just seem to want to come back and kick me in the ass. I don't understand, I try to explain exactly how I'm feeling and it's like I walked up and spit in someone's face.
Take James for instance. I have tried SO HARD to be nice. I have tried explaining to him where I'm coming from, suggesting we open up some communication. I thought that we had a good friendship and that this was just a little disagreement that would eventually be okay again. I e-mailed him and explained I was never trying to hurt him, just trying to voice my opinion, and that it really hurt me when he came back at me basically telling me what a bad friend I was and how I act like I'm better than him. So then today in his blog I read about how tired he is and how he's ready to burn some bridges. And it seriously pisses me off because he never even bothered to call me, to talk about things like mature adults (which he claims he is). I don't know what his deal is. Fine, I know he didn't exactly have the best childhood and people treated him badly but what right does that give me to just end a friendship that he claimed was important to him. I truly do not feel like I ever did anything wrong to him and rather than be a man about it he's just going to "burn his bridge." James, you are a scared little boy and until you get over it that's all you're ever going to be. And girls can see that and THAT is why you are not in a relationship right now, because you can't even make peace with your past. Grow up and grow a pair.
As for Rich, I've basically come to realize that he is one person that will never change. I am beginning to wonder if he ever had any feelings for me or if everything we had, even the things that I thought were good, was just a game to him. This is why I have no closure, because to this day I am left wondering if my first real true love, not puppy love, was just some fake little game to boost some guy's ego. And that just makes me sick. I look back and I have some mixed feelings about some of my exes. I can say my cases of real puppy love ended good and that makes me happy because my teen years, up till 19 anyway, were good. But with Rich, I seriously just feel so damn sick to my stomach. All I want to know is why he had to play all those games with me and hurt me and make me feel like I was less of a person. I want him to know how badly he made me feel, how much he hurt my confidence, that he broke some much of the spirit I used to have. I am working so damn hard to build myself back up after the years I knew him but I'm really not sure I can ever get back every single part of me. There are some things that I had to go through because of him that I wish I could tell him just so that I could hurt him. I'm sick of trying to be a nice person and trying to believe that everyone has a little bit of nice in them. Because Rich doesn't. He does not have on drop of nice in him.
Relationships are funny things. Some relationships bring out the absolute best in you and others.... the worst. There are some people in my life that I can only look back and see happy things.... they never ever intentionally hurt me, they've been there for me, we are with each other through the good times and the bad times and when we're mad at each other we make up in the end and apologize. And then there are people that I have a hard time remembering any good things. It's like, I know they were there because I don't just find myself drawn to people that are mean and horrible.... but now I look back and there are just SO MANY bad things that they overcome the good. And that makes me sad.
Okay. Time to put this to rest. You don't want to be in my life? That's fine.
More soon.
