So, I didn't mention this earlier but I guess I'm a little weirded out by it. I had a dream about Ben last night. Now really sure why except maybe it had to do with me looking at his Facebook page yesterday? Anyway, I don't remember all the details but I do know that I was with Dustin but making plans to meet up with Ben and make out??? And that makes NO SENSE.

The only thing I can think is that I had Dustin and Ben in my head.... and I was thinking about the summer after Rich and I broke up: Kaili and Ben were on the rocks too and we made plans over the 4th to get together and just make out. We agreed no sex (at the time he was still a virgin and I've never been into casual sex) but we were definitely still a little physically curious about each other. Anyway... that never ended up happening and all I can think is that I had boys on the brain and those boys got mixed up. Really weird.

Another weird but okay thing is that I just talked to Emalyn. We haven't talked since shortly after I moved out and we sort of had a falling out with each other. But frankly it's water under the bridge to me, after what I had to go through with Psycho Bitch it makes Emalyn look like a freakin' angel!

So yeah.... closing tonight at The 'Bou was okay and D should be getting off work anytime now so hopefully he'll be here soon. In the meantime, I'm going to go cuddle up with a book! Night!

Some things that happened at The 'Bou last night that don't generally happen but were funny all the same:

• Spilling milk on the floor because I practically threw the container in the fridge and there wasn't a top on it
• Bitching about exes (I was closing with Kalyn, who I never work with, and we decided that everyone is allowed to have one ex that they hate; guess who mine is?)
• Deciding it's okay to be lazy until 7
• Spilling a 16oz. cup of coffee on the floor (that was Kalyn's fault and maybe that'll teach her to hold the cup by the top, lol)
• Practically running out of half&half (how does a coffeeshop run out of half&half.... that is so beyond me)
• Leaving a love note for Tracy and Jake, who are opening in the morning, to let them know that we ran out of half&half but not to hate us and that we love them SOOOOOOO much
• Finding out that Chris got in trouble for constantly coming behind the counter to make drinks when he's not on shift (FINALLY)
• Throwing a garbage bag OVER the top of the garbage bin (again, Kalyn's fault, but it was pretty funny)
• Being done with EVERYTHING by 10 after 9 (that rarely ever happens, we are SO awesome)

So it was a good night. Tonight I work 9 to close, which hardly seems worth it, but I'm working with Jeremiah so it should be fun. Then D's coming over so I get to cuddle, yay!

Grandma's surgery went well, as far as I've heard so far. It was supposed to take anywhere from 2 to 4 hours and it was on the short end so that seems good. When Dad and Grandpa went to talk to the surgeon he sounded optimistic so yay to that! I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Anyway.... time for breakfast. More soon!

Man, last night was such a great night... I'm still smiling this morning, lol. Yesterday was Dustin's and my 6 month anniversary and while that may not seem like such a big deal to some, it is a big deal to me. I have never had a six month anniversary before, although I suppose it's been my fault. I have only really loved 3 people... half, if you include Josh, which I don't, because I did love him but not in the way you should love someone in that kind of relationship. Ben and I had that puppy love thing going although at the time I was so sure it was the "real deal." Rich and I had this incredibly passionate.... but always at the wrong time... kind of thing. I will cherish the parts that were good and try to forget the parts that were bad. But Dustin and I have had these great 6 months and all I can do is look forward to the next 6.... and the 6 after that... and the 6 after those ones.... forever and ever.

So Dustin came over last night and we went grocery shopping and then came back here and made tacos. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO yummy, I love taco night. Mmm.... I'm still kinda hungry for more, lol. I gave him his present, which was just a picture of us in a frame, but he doesn't have any pics of us yet so I thought it'd be fitting. We watched some TV and then made apple enchiladas, which were okay although I think they needed more cinnamon sugar or something. Anyway, we watched a movie (Dustin fell asleep, what a lame-o) and then, of all things, played MONOPOLY. Lol, how odd and funny is that? I, of course, kicked his ass, hehe, and it was so silly and fun. I love that boy.

Tonight Amber, Shannon and I are going out for food and then possibly bowling. I'm really psyched to have a girls night, especially with both of them since it's very rare that Amber's in town and the three of us are able to hang out. So it should be giggly and fun and I almost don't want it to get here because all too soon I'll be back home again. Why can't the fun times just last forever?

Work is.... work. I feel jaded. Monday was a BAD day so yesterday I called in sick because I'm not completely sure how to handle everything. I think I may call Lexie and see which store she's getting because I may want to transfer. At least I know I'd be getting hours and she wouldn't be playing favorites the way that Tracey does. Sometimes I feel like Tracey is so two faced and it just makes me angry because I feel like I'm back in high school or something. I swear.... I really wish I were back at Penney's where there wasn't any work drama. I seriously miss that.

Anyway, time for breakfast. More soon.

I am so happy. And I'm not even really sure why. I really do believe that this no school thing is a good idea, at least for now. I feel less stressed out in all other aspects of my life and it is just good. Work is really great, I've been so much peppier and happy... I don't find myself getting annoyed with customers like I used to and I am genuinely glad to be there. It's just making me feel so damn good, I can't even begin to explain it.

This weekend was good, on Friday Ryan, Shannon, Amber, Dustin and I went to Leaning Tower for Shan's birthday and it was a good time, as usual. Thing is, we definitely need to go on Saturdays from now on because any other day is EXPENSIVE. I say long live 2 for 1's, lol.

Amber stopped by last night for a bit before I had to get to bed (had to open this morning so it was early to bed last night). We had a good talk and it was fun, I miss that girl like crazy. I definitely wish that we could hang out more and I know I keep saying that D and I are going to come to LaCrosse for a weekend. Hopefully we'll be able to do that now that we're both working and not in school. I'm sure that weekend will be super psycho, lol.

I also had a good talk with my mom today, of all people. I have to say that I am really happy with the relationship Mom and I have because we're actually starting to become friends. I called her up for some cooking tips and we just sort of caught up on things and it was nice. I do wish that my dad and I could somehow have a better relationship but I'm unsure of that ever happening. It does make me sad but I just feel like we have different opinions about how I should handle my life... our similarities sort of end at our bad tempers and that makes me sad. I guess I haven't really tried to make things better but isn't he supposed to be the one with more life experience and shouldn't he be the one to be acting like a grown up? Maybe that still sounds childish on my part. And maybe that's why our relationship is still the way it is. I don't know.

Grandma's move out date from the rehab place keeps getting pushed back. She was supposed to be getting out this Wednesday but it got pushed back to the 28th because her knee is bad and she's having trouble walking on it. She does sound good otherwise, no coughing since she quit smoking and that makes me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy! I really hope that once she comes home she stays off cigarettes. Grandpa's not doing as well but it seems like it's because he missing Grandma and he's bored by himself. In a way that makes me feel good because both of them seem more affectionate and appreciative towards each other. I think this experience actually helped a lot more than it hurt and that just makes me feel great. I worry a lot about them so it's good to know that they still rely on each other.

My trip with Dustin to Chicago is now set for February 24th - 26th. I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited for him to meet my family and vise versa. I know they're going to love him.... I mean, who doesn't think he's awesome? I just really hope by then that Grandma and Grandpa are settled. I'm also worried because Aunt Robyn's dog Dakota could seriously go at any time and I'm scared of it happening right before or during our trip. Maybe that sounds selfish but I'm more worried about Aunt Robyn than us. Dakota is Aunt Robyn's baby, her kid, and I know it is just going to kill her when she's gone. She's had that dog since before she married Uncle Bill and Dakota's been with her through so much. Hopefully she'll understand that Dakota's going onto a better place and that she won't be in pain anymore. But I know how much that kind of loss can hurt and I really hope she let's me be there for her when it finally happens.

Everything else is good and calm. Dustin's coming out here tonight after he's done with work so I'm happy. Our 6th month anniversary is Tuesday and I'm psyched even though I have to work 8 hours till close. We're settling into each other and it just feels really good to have him as part of my support system. He's one of my best friends (and I'm saying one of because Amber and Shannon are just as important) and I am so absolutely lucky to have such a wonderful and special person in my life.

Man. I'm still a sap, lol.

Anyway I have to PEE so more soon! Love and kisses!

Okay, if you're someone that feels the need to be a complete annoyance, please just feel free to walk out of my life and not talk to me again because I really don't feel like wasting my time anymore.

Anyway.

So Amber and I had a good long talk today which, of course, left me feeling good. It's not like Amber and I talk super often but when we do we have such good conversations and it just makes me feel really good to have a friend like her. She let me know about a few things that I think maybe I should be worried about but I'm not entirely sure how to handle them. I don't want to butt into anyone else's business, especially considering that none of this has been shared with me, but now that Amber's given me a heads up I really do want to say something. I know she's going to, though, so maybe I'll let her handle it and I'll jump in if I'm needed. I hope there won't be too big of an explosion.

I am SO excited for the couple of trips that D and I have coming up. The trip to Virginia Beach isn't till this summer but I still can't wait to go even though I'm a little nervous to meet his relatives. Then again, if they're anything like him I'm sure it'll be fine. In February, probably the 17th through the 19th, we're going to Illinois so that D can meet my relatives. The way it'll probably work is that we'll get into Illinois early enough to go out to dinner with everyone, which should be super fun. We'll stay the night at either Aunt Robyn's or Aunt Gayle's and then the next day go into Chicago to get a hotel room and then kinda check out the city. Stay in the hotel that night, of course, and then the next day we'll stop to say goodbye to everyone before we head home. Should be really fun. AND I guess Benji stopped into town the other day and asked D when we're coming to Menomonie to visit Benji, his wife Rebecca, and their kids. So I'm sure we'll have to do that sometime soon also. Eep, lots of travelling with my favorite boy.

Okay. So my roommate Nikki. She just came back on Sunday with her boyfriend and I already find myself getting slightly irritated. First off, her boyfriend had been here the whole time, even when she's at classes. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Does he have no life? Or nowhere to live? It's one thing to have your boyfriend come over and spend the night but it's another to just let him make himself at home. PLUS, last night I was FREEZING so I went downstairs to check the temp. Nikki's boyfriend had had the window in her room open all day and I figured that the house just hadn't totally warmed up. Turns out someone turned the heat down to 60! Like... it was probably 11 at night before I even checked, it would have been FREEZING in the morning had I not. Kind of rude. Let's hope this isn't going to turn into anything else.

Anyway. Gotta find out where Dustin is, he had yet to call me today and I need to get confirmation from him for Illinois. More soon!

Lord.

I swear it's like drama constantly follows me. I try to be a nice, good person and I try to be mature and people just seem to want to come back and kick me in the ass. I don't understand, I try to explain exactly how I'm feeling and it's like I walked up and spit in someone's face.

Take James for instance. I have tried SO HARD to be nice. I have tried explaining to him where I'm coming from, suggesting we open up some communication. I thought that we had a good friendship and that this was just a little disagreement that would eventually be okay again. I e-mailed him and explained I was never trying to hurt him, just trying to voice my opinion, and that it really hurt me when he came back at me basically telling me what a bad friend I was and how I act like I'm better than him. So then today in his blog I read about how tired he is and how he's ready to burn some bridges. And it seriously pisses me off because he never even bothered to call me, to talk about things like mature adults (which he claims he is). I don't know what his deal is. Fine, I know he didn't exactly have the best childhood and people treated him badly but what right does that give me to just end a friendship that he claimed was important to him. I truly do not feel like I ever did anything wrong to him and rather than be a man about it he's just going to "burn his bridge." James, you are a scared little boy and until you get over it that's all you're ever going to be. And girls can see that and THAT is why you are not in a relationship right now, because you can't even make peace with your past. Grow up and grow a pair.

As for Rich, I've basically come to realize that he is one person that will never change. I am beginning to wonder if he ever had any feelings for me or if everything we had, even the things that I thought were good, was just a game to him. This is why I have no closure, because to this day I am left wondering if my first real true love, not puppy love, was just some fake little game to boost some guy's ego. And that just makes me sick. I look back and I have some mixed feelings about some of my exes. I can say my cases of real puppy love ended good and that makes me happy because my teen years, up till 19 anyway, were good. But with Rich, I seriously just feel so damn sick to my stomach. All I want to know is why he had to play all those games with me and hurt me and make me feel like I was less of a person. I want him to know how badly he made me feel, how much he hurt my confidence, that he broke some much of the spirit I used to have. I am working so damn hard to build myself back up after the years I knew him but I'm really not sure I can ever get back every single part of me. There are some things that I had to go through because of him that I wish I could tell him just so that I could hurt him. I'm sick of trying to be a nice person and trying to believe that everyone has a little bit of nice in them. Because Rich doesn't. He does not have on drop of nice in him.

Relationships are funny things. Some relationships bring out the absolute best in you and others.... the worst. There are some people in my life that I can only look back and see happy things.... they never ever intentionally hurt me, they've been there for me, we are with each other through the good times and the bad times and when we're mad at each other we make up in the end and apologize. And then there are people that I have a hard time remembering any good things. It's like, I know they were there because I don't just find myself drawn to people that are mean and horrible.... but now I look back and there are just SO MANY bad things that they overcome the good. And that makes me sad.

Okay. Time to put this to rest. You don't want to be in my life? That's fine.

More soon.

Well, I am back from Mom and Dad's. It was a pretty boring couple of days except for one big thing.

D and I pretty much sat around watching movies. But it was nice, I love just hanging out with D and I love that we don't have to go away and plan huge weekends in order to have fun with each other. And it makes me so happy that he gets along so well with my folks (although I am not fond of them going out to smoke together).

The big thing. I am taking some time off from school. How much time? Not sure, at least this semester, obviously. Why? I just have no ambition whatsoever and I'm getting really sick of being so stressed about money all the time. Not to mention that at this point a degree just isn't very important to me, I'm happy working where I'm at and moving up at 'Bou. If I eventually decide I want more then I'll go back to school. Maybe it won't be as easy but right now isn't exactly all rosey. I know some people may not support this decision but right now I need this for me and I feel this huge amount of relief coming along with it. I'm tired of hearing everyone telling me that I NEED college to get by in life. Why do people come up with all this garbage?

Anyway... Shan came over tonight for a girls night and now I am SUPER tired to it's time for bed. More soon.

Hmm, a little update before D and I leave for Mom and Dad's for a couple of days...

Christmas was okay but a little sadder than usual. Grandma's in a rehab clinic because she fell and hurt her hip.... she had to have hip replacement surgery and now she can barely walk so they have to teach her how to walk again. It's all really bad, especially because we couldn't even check her out for Christmas Eve so, basically, we were one person short. Plus Aunt Robyn's dog Dakota isn't doing well and she ended up getting sick in the middle of everything and Aunt Robyn, needless to say, was super upset. So yeah.

I did meet Marc, Aunt Gayle's new guy, and he seems pretty okay so maybe this one will be a good one although I still kinda think she's moving really fast. Then again, who am I to talk?

New Years Eve was okay. Dustin didn't get there till after midnight because his stupid job had him closing. I really hate Perkins these days. But we had fun, everyone had lots to drink, we played games and talked and everything went by REALLY FAST. The food was good (especially the smokeys, good job Shan) and Dustin looked AWESOME when he finally got there. So yeah.

Now D and I are heading to Mom and Dad's for a few days and to kind of end the last of my winter break before classes start again. Break went by WAY TOO FAST and now I have to countdown for SPRING BREAK because Dustin wants to go somewhere awesome, so I'm way psyched.

Anyway... time to head out. More soon and happy 2006 all!