So I haven't written in awhile. Not too much is going on. This past weekend I just worked. It actually wasn't too bad, I'm really starting to finally like work now that I'm not paranoid that my boss hates me. Then again, I'm still not completely sure that I like her. She just has this personality.... it's not even that she's blunt. Her sarcasm is just kind of uncalled for. You know when you meet someone and they feel like they can just be sarcastic with you right off the bat? It's kind of like that. Like, she and I are not into that comfort level where she can just sit and be a bitch to me but she thinks we are. It's a little annoying.

The roommate situation is TONS better. Then again, we don't see each other all that much. Yesterday was the first time I'd seen her in 3 days. Today she got us a free 25" TV from work which is kind of cool because we need a TV for our living room. But we have been getting along pretty well so it's kind of all good on that side.

D and I are doing okay too. I've still been stressed about the Alyssa which hasn't helped that much. But D and I talked yesterday and I guess he and Alyssa aren't even really talking anymore. I'm assuming what happened is that she and Nate had a fight and when she was upset she contemplated trying to get Dustin back. Now that things are better with her and Nate she's just sticking with what's easy. It's kind of disgusting; I don't really understand girls in that town. I know Dustin hates when I say that but seriously.... they all just walk around cheating on people, being slutty and being bitchy. I don't mean to sound like I'm better than them but I guess I just don't see what fun cheating on people is. It just screws things up, right? But anyway... D and I are good otherwise. Yay for Alyssa being out of the picture again!

Tomorrow Shan and I are having a chickie night. This involves pizza, ice cream, pigging out and watching girlie TV. Sounds good to me! I've been spending so much time with D lately that I haven't really had a good girl night in awhile. I really want Shan and I to take a trip down to LaX to visit Mrs. Waldo and have a girls weekend. That'd definitely be nice, I never feel like I get to spend enough time with Amber. Then again, I used to spend every single day with her so maybe that's why I feel that way. In any case, I'd definitely like an entire girls weekend. It's been awhile.... since the Maroon 5 concert, actually.

Speaking of which, I got the Maroon 5 live CD and DVD. They're the shit. Have I mentioned my love of Ryan Dusick. Seriously yummy. I love drummers.

Anyway... so that's life. This weekend I have lots going on. On Thursday after I leave Shannon's I'm heading out to D's. On Friday when he's done with work we're going out to New Richmond for a Hawaiian themed wedding reception which should be fun. And on Saturday there's the PJ party at D's.

Oh, speaking of D's, they have 45 days to find a new place before the wrecking ball knocks down their house. Fun, right?

Anyway.... that's all for now. More soon.

Well, I won't be writing anything long tonight because there isn't all that much to write about. I just feel bad that I haven't really written all week!

Not too much is going on.... it's school and work and more school. In between there's D who pretty much keeps me sane.... or, insane, but a different kind of insane than school and work.

I'm not too sure what's up with Dustin and Alyssa. I know that they've e-mailed back and forth and that sorta bothers me because I know she asks about me and I pretty much feel that the only reason she does it to find out if things between Dustin and me are okay and, if they aren't, she'll swoop down and try to scoop him up. I want to trust in Dustin's love for me but I just do not trust Alyssa at all. She just seems so sneaky and underhanded. So... I'm on my guard, I guess.

Kassi is driving me a little nuts. I came home tonight to find crumbs all over the floor, the bathtub is gross.... I just want to be like "Can you please clean SOMETHING???" Not to mention she still haven't set up our Direct TV so I'm still stuck watching movies. So tomorrow when I have a little more time I'm going to vacuum and clean the tub and ask her to please just set up the Direct TV. It's not like I'm a huge neat freak but seriously. I'd like to be able to have people over and not feel embarrassed.

Um... yeah. That's sorta it. Next weekend is the PJ party at D's if anyone wants to come. Just let me know if you're interested.

Time to go relax.

More soon.

Well, another birthday is behind me. I am officially 22 and it was definitely a good birthday.

I can't exactly say that Friday night was the greatest. D and I got into a huge fight because I was hurt about him not telling me about Alyssa. He claims he wasn't going to tell me because he didn't want to get bitched at and I told him that I would have eventually found out and I'd rather he not keep things from me. It ended okay, I suppose. In fact, just as we were calming down around 2 in the morning Kassi brought in a cake. She had asked to borrow my car to go to the store and I couldn't figure out why she needed to go to the store so late. A little bit later she came back and then knocked on my door and asked to come in. When I let her in she had a cake with 22 candles on it. It was super sweet and helped break the ice with D.

On Saturday D and I got around around 11ish and I made him French toast. Then I took a shower and we headed to Target for a couple of things for D and the liquor store for wine and peppermint schnapps. Yummy!

When we got back we watched Butterfly Effect which is a SUPER good movie and actually makes me think that Ashton Kutcher might have a little talent. Then we cleaned the apartment a bit and kinda sat around. We played around on the net a bit and then I opened up the wine. I ended up having 4 glasses of it (Kassi also had a glass and then her mom showed up and I gave her a glass).

Kassi and her mom left to go shopping and then Doug showed up followed shortly by Lewann and Josh. I had a bottle of Kahlua white Russian and then just before we headed out everyone did a shot of peppermint schnapps (I did two because I accidently poured one too many).

We headed out to Leaning Tower of Pizza where we met up with Shannon, Ryan, James and Amber. We ordered pizzas, I opened gifts from Shan, and started off with an amaretto sour. I ended up doing 4 shots: Shannon and I each did a slippery nipple, the waitress bought me a lemon drop, Lewann and Josh bought me a lunch box and James bought me an Irish car bomb. Then Amber bought me 2 amaretto sours.... man. Holy man I drank A LOT.

Afterwards Dustin, Shannon, Ryan, Amber and Doug came back to the apartment. I know Shan had quite a few shots here and we just kind of chilled. It was SOOOOOOO much fun, thanks to everyone for a great birthday!

Around 2ish D and I went to bed. I ended up waking up sick this morning, not because I was hungover but because of the cold I had. Not good. But I ate some chicken noodle soup and D and I took a nice shower together. And so here I am.

ANYWAY! Time for a Target run to get some medicine for this cold, yuck. More soon!

Well, happy birthday to me, I suppose. 22. It's not exactly a big birthday or anything but I do love my birthday even though I never seem to have a fantastic one.

Things started out well, anyway. Shannon and James were supposed to come out to Woodbury so that we could go to dinner but neither of us knew that James had a class till 8:30. I'd already made plans with Dustin to go out to RF that night and then found out that Benji and his wife Rebecca were coming over to watch movies. I was really psyched because Benji's moving next month so I really wanted to see him. Anyway, so Shan and I went to Chili's and said that if James got done early with class we'd meet up with him for a little bit.

Chili's was okay. I wasn't a fan of the batter they used on the chicken but the Calypso Cooler was yummy! As was Shannon's Appletini. Yum! So that was good times. Afterwards we came back to my place for a little bit. I know James is mad because he felt ditched. I wish he'd understand that A) I was STARVING. I don't eat all day on the days I have classes so there was no way that I could wait till he got to Woodbury to eat. B) We truly didn't know until yesterday that his class didn't get out till 8:30. It's hard to keep track of everyone's schedules, I can barely keep track of my own most of the time. And C) I did make other plans with the intentions that I would have dinner with Shannon and James and then head out to RF. I couldn't just break those plans. So yeah. I do feel bad but it's not really my fault or Shan's. So... yeah.

Shan left around 9 and I took Kassi to work then headed to RF. I had tried sending Dustin some texts about Saturday and what not but I kept getting them back saying they weren't sent. Believe me, this will play in later. I got out to RF a little after 9:30 and around 10 Benji and Rebecca showed up. I've met Benji's wife once but have never really hung out with them so I was excited for movie night. We sat around waiting for D to get done with work and then headed back to Dustin's.

Well we made drinks and sat down to watch Back to the Future Part III. At midnight I got happy birthdays all around which was kind of a nice. A little later I went to get my chapstick from Dustin's room. His phone was there and I'm always checking his background to make sure the gay bear is there (long story). Then I figured I'd check to see if he got my texts because sometimes it'll say that the texts weren't sent even when they were. So I scrolled through his messages... and found something that made my heart drop out of my stomach.

They were texts from Alyssa, Dustin's ex, saying that she's broken up with Nate, the guy she cheated on D with and has been dating for a year, and that she wanted Dustin back. Then a text from Alyssa saying, "I love you Dustin Wade Hartenstein." I couldn't help it... I checked the texts Dustin sent to her and they were saying that he'd talk to her about it and e-mail her and that... he loved her too. I was just shocked and hurt and angry. I walked back to the living room and just sat there shaking and completely freaked out. Dustin kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn't even say anything to him. Finally I asked him if we could go to his room and talk for a minute.

So we went to Dustin's room and I explained that I had looked at his texts to see if he'd gotten mine... and then I asked him what was going on with Alyssa. I was shaking so bad and trying so hard not to cry. At first he just said nothing and... I don't know. He explained that she had broken up with Nate and did want him back but that it wasn't happening and that he loved me. It's just.... God I hate this. There are all these girls who think he's so great and then here comes his ex, who he wanted back SO BADLY. It just scares me SO BAD.

We went back to the living room and it was fun. Rebecca got fairly tanked and it was just silly and nice and I really wish Benji and Rebecca weren't moving because I really like them!

So yeah... here I am. Hoping nothing else bad happens on my birthday. Fingers crossed. More soon.

Well. So here's the deal. On Monday Kassi and I got into a HUGE fight. Like, it was over practically nothing but, as usual, she started screaming and I finally just lost it. I know I have a bad temper but I've been trying REALLY HARD to keep it under control. However, it's hard when you're dealing with someone that can't even be bothered to keep her temper under control.

So we had a total screaming match and didn't speak for the rest of the night. Dustin came over and we, well, broke in my new bed. We kissed and cuddled and watched a movie. *sigh* Have I mentioned lately how much I adore him?

Anyway, the next morning I woke up and went into the kitchen... when I looked into the living room I found that she had split the living room in two with TAPE DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR. Um yeah... didn't realize we're 5 years old. I was SO PISSED. For a minute I just stood there unsure of what to do. Then I moved everything back. Screw that.

I wrote Kassi a note telling her I didn't want things to be this way but that I can't deal with her screaming and the way she handles problems. Then I sat in bed and cried. Dustin asked me what was wrong and I just snapped at him. I've been so tense because of all this that I'm snapping at everyone.

After that I called my professors to explain to them my situation and that I wouldn't be in class. I need to fix my life. Dustin and I went out to the mall for a bit then to River Falls for the rest of the day and night.

While D was at work I started talking to Doug about the situation and he suggested that I move in with him and his wife move in with Kassi. That's a long story in itself. Anyway... it pissed me off. He talked to Kassi and she said she seemed fine with it and said that if I wanted to stay I had to apologize. I was PISSED. The only thing I had to apologize for was yelling at her on Monday and I wanted her to understand that she completely provoked me. So I went off a little... then signed offline.

So this morning I came home to find another semi nicer note from Kassi. I wrote her one back and then went about my day. Well, just as I was leaving for school Kassi woke up. I didn't say anything to her and was just going to leave. Well she asked when I'd be home to talk, I told her and then told her that I bought dishwashing detergent and what not. Then she apologized. Yeah, just like that. I'm not exactly sure if I believe her yet but... it's a start. So yeah.

Anyway.... just gotta get through class tonight and then classes tomorrow and then it's my BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! Hells yeah! Guess I better get some homework done, bleh. More soon!

*big huge sigh of relief*

I am FINALLY in my new place, Kassi is moving in today, and hopefully things will get a little better after this. Thank GOD.

So onward to planning my birthday! As Dustin would say, "Hells yeah!"

So here's what's going on. I took off Friday, Saturday AND Sunday, how awesome is that? On Friday I'm just being lazy and having some ME time. Friday night after work Dustin's coming out to spend the night with me. On Saturday Dustin and I are spending the day together. Then that night at 8 it's Leaning Tower! Yay!

So far the guest list goes something like this:

Shannon
Ryan
James
Kassi
Dustin
Lewann
Josh (Lewann's Ex/Possible Again Boyfriend)
Doug
POSSIBLY Doug's wife Sarah
Amber
Jono

Way too much fun, I'm super excited! I expect cool shots and getting nice and tipsy!

Then sleeping in on Sunday. Hells yeah!

Anyway... moving more boxes. More soon!

And it just keeps getting worse. I'm beside myself and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

When I got back from Dustin's yesterday morning I was really worried about how I would feel around Kassi. She said she was sorry and I know that should be good enough but... it isn't. She REALLY hurt my feelings and I really don't think that an I'm sorry is going to solve anything.

She acts nice... like nothing happened and nothing's wrong. Dustin ended up not having to go to school yesterday so he came to Kassi's instead. She asked to tag along and I said that was fine but... yeah. It's like she goes out of her way to be mean to me. She talks about how my tat looks like crap, how we'll figure out a way to "fix" my hair, how the clothes I like look shitty. I'm so sick of it.

I started to get quiet because I just don't even know how to respond to her. Finally she decided to go to Target and Dustin and I went off on our own.

All through my class last night, though, I couldn't stop thinking about how hurt my feelings are. I don't generally feel like this, usually when I have fights with my friends they don't go out of their way to say things that will hurt me. If, say, Shannon and I are mad at each other because I cancelled on her a few times in a row she wouldn't then call me up and call me a bitch and what not. Nor would she scream on me and threaten to throw my stuff on the street (if I were, say, living with her). But with Kassi if I say ANYTHING she calls me a bitch and yells at me and then threatens to throw out all my stuff. And all of this is seriously stressing me out.

Today I was trying to figure out how much I owe for rent and Kassi and I ended up getting into ANOTHER fight. Of course she called me a bitch and threatened to throw my stuff on the street. All because I suggested she pay for half the $15 a month pet fee (she's bringing her snake which isn't even ALLOWED in the apartment in the first place). I'm so sick of her temper tantrums and then getting told that "oh, I'm just stressed." Fuck off Kassi, it's not an excuse, so am I.

I don't know. I'm seriously starting to really dislike her. I just have no idea how I'm going to handle living with her for a year because I seriously cannot deal with the insults and tantrums.

I feel depressed. Seriously. I feel like I'm going through the motions of my life. Kassi has seriously broken me down so badly. I think I'm SCARED of her. How disgusting is that? And every time I go to talk to her now I feel so defensive.

I don't want her to come to my birthday. I don't want her around my friends. I don't want her anywhere near me anymore.

I don't like the person I'm being. And I'm really, really upset. I wish I could figure out what to do.

Things do not seem to be getting much better in my life. In fact, they seem to be getting worse and that makes me scared.

Yesterday Kassi and I got into a HUGE fight because I told her I didn't want to cosign her loan. It wasn't a matter of trust that I based my decision on, it was simply because I don't want to have that kind of responsibility. Frankly, the only people I would ever ask to cosign on a loan would be my parents or MAYBE my grandparents.

So I told Kassi that I wouldn't cosign for it and when we hung up she acted like she would figure something else out and everything would be fine. However, after my second class was done there was a message from her crying and telling me that this is all my fault and I'm a liar and all this stuff.

I called Kassi and at first the conversation was semi rational. Then she started to flip out. She blamed me for her not having any money and said how could I not help her when I'm living at her mom's place for a week (which she OFFERED, by the way, I never once forced her into anything). She started screaming at me (meanwhile I'm AT SCHOOL and people are starting to look at me) about what a bitch I am and how she's going to put a lock on her door at the apartment and how she's going to throw my stuff out on the street. It hurt me SO BAD. I understand she's upset but the way she treated me isn't at all right and isn't at all fair.

Kassi hung up on me and I tried to call her back. I left her a message and by this time I was crying and practically hyperventilating. Then I called Dustin to tell him I was skipping my last two classes... in between tryng to catch my breath and stop crying. And in between THAT Kassi called me back. So I answered the phone, completely on my guard and actually SCARED. Kassi had at least calmed down and explained she was upset. I tried to explain myself and Kassi apologized... but I was still really hurt.

So I came to Dustin's and he calmed me down and we got food then came back to watch them tear apart his driveway. After he left I took a nap for a bit.

When I woke up there was a phone call from Kassi telling me I would have to take care of my own internet because she doesn't trust me to pay for it. Now I was just pissed, how dare she act like I'm the one who can't be trusted? So I went online and kind of bitched her out because I feel like she's pulling this crap just to hurt me even more. We finally came to an understanding but I'm not even sure how I'm going to feel comfortable around her. I've never felt so uncomfortable and on edge around one of my friends, even when we are fighting. She totally broke me down and lost my trust. I just don't know how this roommate thing is going to work anymore.

Meanwhile... things are good with Dustin and me. And last weekend Shannon, Carissa, Erica, Angie and I went bridesmaid dress shopping for Shan's wedding and found the PERFECT dress. My folks are buying me a new bed and next weekend is my birthday. But it's hard to feel happy when I feel like someone just threw me in front of a bus. *sigh*

Anyway. So there you have it. I guess I'm moving into yet another bad roommate situation.

Oh my god.... this is the saddest survey yet.


1. What is your current ringtone? The I Love Lucy Theme
2. What is your current wallpaper? The gay teddie bear, lol
3. Do you own a picture phone? Nope
4. If so, what was the last picture you took? N/A 5. Go to your text message inbox and type what the 10th message from the top say? "Love you baby. Night night." From D
6. How many contacts do you have on your phone? 50
7. Go to your missed calls. 5th missed call...who is it? Emalyn Cell
8. Who was the last person you spoke to on your cell phone? Um... Dustin
9. What service do you have? Cingular
10. At this very moment, how many bars do you have for your service? 6/7
11. Who's on your speed dial number 5? Grandparents
2. Do you have voicemail? Yes
13. How many contacts that start with the letter D do you have: 3 (Doug, Dustin Cell, Dustin Work)
14. Who do you call the most? Either D or Shannon
15. How many text messages do you get a month? 25
16. Can you send pictures? Nope
17. What are the last 4 digits to your number? 1754
18. Go to your sent texts, what does the eighth one say? "Is your internet working yet?" To dUSTIN
19. What about the 15th? "Bleh I cannot wait to get home." To D
20. Who's the last person that you called? Lol, Dustin
22. Last person that texted you? Dustin
23. Last person you added to your contacts? Um, Jodi, I think
24. How many minutes are on your plan? 900 anytime shared with Ryan, free night and weekends
25. Do you like your phone? Nah, it's old and falling apart
26. Wanna give out your number? Nope!

Well... so far everything is KINDA working out. After a nearly disasterous Tuesday night, might I add.

You see, I rented a u-haul truck to move all my stuff from my place to Kassi's for the week that I'll be staying at her place. I did it all online and was told that it would be ready in a town close to River Falls that day. I was supposed to recieve a confirmation call and didn't so Tuesday night I called the 1-800 number figuring that it would all be good and I would be all set for tomorrow. However, that's not how it worked. For some reason the truck was in Menomonie and when I found that out I told them to cancel it because there was no way I could drive to Menomonie, epsecially with gas being the way it is. I then called my dad because I had NO IDEA what to do. I was starting to feel upset. I mean, everything I seem to try to do is going wrong and moving is stressful enough when everything goes RIGHT. Well, we couldn't find another truck because most of them are rented out due to everyone moving places for the school year. Dad started in on his making me feel bad routine and I was just beside myself hysterical. I tried to call certain friends who not only didn't answer but then never bothered to call me back. And I couldn't really call Dustin about it because he was at work. I was at a loss, sitting in my room totally unsure of what to do. A little later Dad called me back to let me know that Mom had called Aunt Brenda who called Uncle Dick who has a HUGE truck for work.

So, it ended up working out okay but... I just can't deal anymore. Everything seems to be going wrong and it's not like I have the money to be dealing with all this. Gas prices are up so high, I barely have time to do homework (and now I have less time because I can only do the computer stuff in school until Kas and I move into the new place and get the internet set up). I'm really not liking my job and trying to figure out what to do there... it's just not good right now, my life seems so up in the air and, selfishly, I wish Amber were around because I really kind of need her right now. Amber has been my best friend for nine years and it seems like whenever things get REALLY rough I know I can count on her to help me up and cheer me up. But I know she's starting a new part of her life now. It's just hard. And sometimes I feel bad for relying on Dustin as much as I do. I just want some of the stress to go away so I can enjoy my life a little. I mean, isn't that what life's about? Or are we really meant to go through our lives feeling like we're jumping over one hurdle after another and never able to breathe.

So now I'm at Kassi's and that's a little awkward too. I feel like I'm intruding and Sundae doesn't get along with the dog or cat and... oh, it just feels all wrong. I feel like all I do these days is intrude on other people's lives. I'm sorry if I feel so incredibly self centered right now and I've been trying my best to deal with it myself but I thought the point of having friends is that they're there for you when things get tough. Kassi's being a pretty damn good friend as is D right now. But that's about all the support I feel like I'm getting. And not really anyone has any idea of all the uncertainties that are constantly running through my head. It's like I'm juggling all these balls and any second now they're going to come crashing down on me!

I know most of my entries have been pretty misarable lately. I really don't know what else to say. I'm kind of feeling miserable right now. And that's all there is to it.

More soon.