Confidence.

What is confidence?

I have no idea. Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever. And others can tell. It kind of sucks because sometimes you feel like in order to have confidence you need certain things: a significant other, certain kinds of friends, money, a certain job... I know sometimes I forget that what you need FIRST is confidence and then everything else will kind of fall into place.

I don't claim to have all the confidence in the world. I know I do certain things well, I know I try the best I can. I feel like I'm a good friend and I'm learning to be a good girlfriend. I do the best I can with each day that I'm given. Some days are worse than others: today Dustin and I got into a fight and it really took a lot out of me, makes me wonder about our future. Some days are great, like Amber's bachelorette party on Saturday.

What drives me nuts are people that sit there and say, "Oh boo-hoo, look at me I am such a victim, people pick on me because I'm this way and no one likes me because I'm like this and I have no friends and blah blah blah." God. You want to know the reason why people don't talk to you? You want to know the reason you spend your free time alone? Because seriously, here's the hard truth, people do not want to be around someone who constantly has something up their ass. Yeah, the world can be kind of fucked up. But no one wants someone around who picks out EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE THING THAT THERE IS IN THE WORLD. Go look at a beautiful sunset, go have drinks with friends, curl up with someone you care for.... but quit bitching and moaning and complaining. Yeah, there are snobs in this world and yeah not everyone thinks the way you do and yeah, I'm just as sick of that damn Republican in office and I can't stand SUV's. But seriously. If you spend your entire life complaining you're going to be lying there on your death bed wondering where the fuck your life went. It's too short! Go be silly with your friends, live it up, cherish those quiet times and don't be so harsh. When you sit and point the finger at someone, it's true, three more point right back at you. You aren't perfect and neither am I.... quiet pretending to be. It gets old really quick.

*sigh*

When you sit and say, "That girl will never like me, she's too pretty/smart/out of my league... whatever" you pass up the chance of meeting someone wonderful. When you say, "My friends never call me" maybe you should be saying, "Hmm, maybe I should give one of my friends a call today." Quit bashing the bar because it doesn't make a certain drink perfectly. Quit looking down on people, walking around acting superior puts people off. God have fun, be happy and silly, enjoy yourself.

Yeah.

Anyway.

*takes a leap off the soapbox*

Yeah, D and I did have a fight today. It was about smoking and then about Dustin bringing up something that made me feel bad... and it sucked. I absolutely HATE fighting with Dustin, absolutely hate it. And I truly do not want to make him feel like I have all these things about him that I don't like and want to change. I love him. He's goofy and sweet and intelligent... he tickles me and makes fun of me and farts around me. He's not Mr. Perfect and, frankly, I've never ever been on the lookout for Mr. Perfect. That's damn boring. And yeah, we've fought about certain things. I think he now understands my need to be alone with him sometimes and he showed me he understands by telling Bryan we were going to have alone time the other night. That meant SO MUCH to me. And I have a problem telling him certain things because I'm very used to having to hold myself back and I know I need to learn that I can tell him things. But the thing that I am having a very hard time with is his smoking. He doesn't seem to think it's a big deal and he thinks I'm blowing everything out of proportion. To me it is a big deal. It grosses me out. I hate smokers. I don't like kissing them, I don't like inhaling their smoke.... and I promised my grandmother that I wouldn't get myself caught up with them. I can deal with it in a bar atmosphere although I really don't undertstand why people socially smoke. I don't know. I could go on and on and on about this and it's just going to get me upset. For now I will try to not say anything. Being that I'm an opinionated person, I doubt I'll let it go for very long. And I'm not sure how long Dustin and I can be together if he wants to continue to smoke, especially in the amount that he does right now.