*sigh*

I'm stressed.

Why am I stressed?

Because Dustin is unsure of what's going on between him and me. And so he is holding me off until he can be sure. Which I suppose I should consider admirable because he doesn't want to hurt our friendship. But I think at this point we're a little too far along and if he does decide he wants to be just friends I'd end up hurt anyway.

I'm not really even sure what exactly the problem is despite all the conversations we've had. I'm not sure if Dustin is just unsure of his feelings or me or if he's scared of ruining our friendship if he pursued his feelings for me.

If it's that he's not sure of his feelings, I guess there isn't really anything I can do. On my end I am SO SURE of how I feel for him. I've kind of felt this way for a long time but because of all the drama I think it's probably seemed fairly on and off. Truth is that I've had a crush on Dustin practically since day one. But because of Rich playing with my heart and because Dustin was being wishy washy with me too nothing too much ever came of it except for drama and my heart getting yanked around. I guess that's why it's hard for me to believe that Dustin's unsure because I don't think we'd be playing this back and forth game for so long if he thought of me as only a friend. Maybe, though, it's hard for me to understand because of my certainty. It's rare that I meet someone that I instantly feel as if I have a connection with. And I've really only let myself fall for two people. Generally I can tell the difference between my heart crushing on someone and my heart falling for someone. And currently my heart is falling for Dustin.

If it's because Dustin's scared of hurting our friendship I guess I can understand. I don't exactly want to think of what would happen if we were to have a relationship, have it go bad and then break up. I'm scared that we wouldn't be able to be friends anymore and that would really hurt me because I'm so close with Dustin. However, I feel so strongly about Dustin and me that I feel positively about the way things would go, which is saying a lot because I'm not exactly the most positive person in the world. I honestly believe Dustin and I would be so good together and I don't really see our fighting continuing.

Here's the deal. Yeah we've been fighting a bit and I know I'm the cause of most, if not all, of it. My problem began with being scared of getting close to someone again and simply not trusting him. As my walls began to crumble and my trust began to build I started to just feel jealous of the girls that Dustin calls his friends. It's not that I'm that much of a jealous person or that I would be jealous if D and I were together. It's that I don't feel all that confident right now what with the weight I've gained lately. I don't feel as pretty as a lot of Dustin's friends and somehow that makes me feel like I have to be jealous. I know that sounds so stupid and I know that there's more to wanting to be with someone that just that someone being attractive. But the vain part of me forgets that. And now, with all that is going on, I guess I'm getting scared. The idea of losing Dustin freaks me out and I forget to just believe in Fate. Instead I do and say stupid things and then the fighting starts. It's silly to say I'd be more confident if Dustin were just my boyfriend. But the fact of the matter is that I'm worried if I just let things continue to be the way they are that Dustin will somehow forget my feelings for him or that Dustin will simply find someone else to flirt with and be with. It's so dumb, it even sounds dumb to me. But try to tell the irrational side of me that.

It's so hard. I know I'm this big believer is Fate and because I am I should just let Fate do it's thing. But on the other hand, I do believe that we have a certain amount of free will. Fate will only take you so far and you have to do the rest. The way I see it is that Fate caused Dustin and me to meet and it's up to us to figure out where to take that. So things can go whichever way we end up taking them. And maybe I'll lose out in the end.

I'm not mad that Dustin is taking his time, I'm really not. I'm just sad. What I wouldn't give to shout from the rooftops that Dustin and I are together. What I'd really love is for us to just be together and to start growing together as a couple. I can't say that I've met anyone quite like him or anyone that seems to bring out so much good in me. I just wish Dustin completely shared that same opinion.

I know I need to be patient. But I'm horrible at being patient, absolutely terrible. So I feel the need to push and pull and yank and tug... and I have a very bad feeling that's going to get me nowhere but not with Dustin. I just have no idea how to calm down because when I really want something... or in this case someone... I tend to go for it full force. And this is me going for Dustin full force.

Oh what's a girl to do? All I want is a little slice of happiness. My life is fine and grand and all. Oh, but wouldn't it be great to have a man to share that with?