A year ago tomorrow I drove back out to River Falls for a second time just so that I could spend about an hour or so at the party of a guy I worked with and sorta thought was cute. How on earth was I to know what kind of a domino effect that would start or exactly how much that one little drive would change me?

Maybe I sound like I'm being dramatic. But a year ago I wasn't the kind of person to go out to the party of a guy that I worked with for only two days. Doing something like that was completely out of my comfort level but for some reason I wanted to anyway. Last fourth of July started out fairly normal. I had to work at Perkins, I believe till something like 8 or so because I was still back to Woodbury in time to go to the fireworks with James and Elisa. We were DEAD at work that night and in the middle of it Dustin Hartenstein invited all of us working to come to his house after work for a party.

I'd only been at Perkins for about a week and on that day I'd only worked with Dustin twice. I remember that the first day we worked together I kept thinking to myself, "Wow, this guy is pretty cute." I mean, it's not that I really knew that much about him. But he has the dark eyes and dark hair going for him. And he's funny. However, during that first day he mentioned his girlfriend and I had no idea what their relationship was like. So I figured he was off the market. Not to mention that I, for reasons I still don't understand, decided that he was out of my league.

But that didn't stop me from dragging James and Elisa out to River Falls that night to spend a little time at Dustin's party. I met his roommates and I met Alyssa, the girlfriend. And yeah, I was uncomfortable. I mean, I didn't know this guy and I generally don't show up at parties where I don't really know anyone. But something that night made me go to that party. Maybe Fate?

It's been kind of a rollercoaster year. I lost someone that I once really loved and, sometimes, I think I may still love, at least a little bit. I've spent a lot of nights in bed by myself crying and a lot of days second guessing my head and my heart. I've jumped back and forth and back once more again and I sure I look, at least to some, like I'm just trying to find someone, anyone, to take care of me so that I don't have to be by myself. Believe me, I've questioned myself many times when it comes to that.

A whole year has gone by. And today I can say that I'm beginning to trust someone that's been on that year long rollercoaster ride with me. He brings me comfort and hope and love and every day that I spent with him makes me feel just a little bit better about all that craziness that I've been through. I met this guy that I never really thought I had much of a chance with and somehow... somehow I got some sort of chance with him. Somehow I found in this person all the wonderful things that I want in a good friend and, possibly, a boyfriend. I can finally be hopeful that this drama in my life is coming to an end and maybe I can just settle and be happy. That's something I want so badly but just have not been able to capture yet.

Considering that my life has yet to be settled, who knows where I'll be next year. What I'm hopeful for is to be living in a nice place with Kassi, to be one year closer to some kind, ANY KIND, of degree, to possibly be on my way to having my own Caribou Coffee, to still have my awesome friends... and to maybe have Dustin as more than just a friend.

Hmm. Just thoughts. I guess we shall see.

More soon.