*yawn* Well I'm sitting here at Dustin's computer feeling still slightly drowsy despite the fact that it's 11 AM. I haven't gotten to sleep in since Saturday morning and I guess my body's a little thrown off. It keeps screaming "EITHER GET UP AT 3am OR 9am BUT PICK ONE AND STICK TO IT!"

I think this is part of what caused the commotion last night. I was feeling so cranky. After three mornings of waking up at 3AM and working from 5AM to 11AM I wasn't exactly in the best mood yesterday. All I wanted was to watch a little softball and then curl up with D and fall asleep.

But after softball there was parking lot beer and then food at American Pie and then he wanted to sit outside the house with Bryan and drink. And so I sat quietly during PLB even though I really didn't want to drink. And I even had fun at American Pie. But by the time we got to Dustin's the thought of alcohol made me cringe (I drank two beers at the game and just couldn't stand it anymore) and it was cold and I was tired. I don't get the desire to drink sometimes. I really don't get people who feel the need to do it day after day. Not to mention that Dustin's smoking is really getting to me. I mean, I've had people die because of it. And I can't stand the smell of it or kissing Dustin after he's smoked. I adore him but the smoking just makes me so sad. And he seems to completely get egged on when other people are doing it. I don't want to sit here and be the nagging girlfriend telling him what to do and what not to do. But sometimes.... I just snap.

Last night at American Pie he said he loves me. I was so shocked. I mean, I've been wanting to say it but for once I told myself to wait and not push things. So when he said it as he was walking away towards the bathroom I could barely get out, "I love you too" before my heart started beating really fast and I felt... kind of scared. I'm not scared because I'm saying it when I don't mean it.... I definitely mean it. I'm scared because that's just another notch deeper and I'm still having trouble letting go and falling.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I want to tell my past to just take a hike so I can enjoy being in love with Dustin. I'm really tired of questioning myself a million times.

I promise a real entry as soon as I can get my head back on the right way. Right now I guess I'm jumbling too much.

Yeah.