Well it was quite an interesting night last night and I have to say I learned some new things about my "best friend since 7th grade" last night. Holy man!

So last night was Amber's bachelorette party. I went to Shannon's early to help to get everything set up. We decorated the apartment with pink and black crepe paper, pink and black balloons, and bachelorette party caution tape. We made Better Than Sex Cake, which ended up being pretty damn good (although maybe not better than sex... at least not sex with Dustin). It was fun, we got really goofy and it was a good time.

Around 7:30ish Amber and Elisa showed up. I was a little worried about Elisa because she hasn't hung out with the group much and when we went to ValleyFair she was kind of quiet. But things went really well. We got Amber all dressed up in a Bride To Be t-shirt and we got ourselves all ready. We had some cake and a few shots and a drink then headed out to Mall of America.

We went to Jillian's, an arcade/bar/bowling alley on the 4th floor of the mall. We started out with a shot and then started bowling. I love bowling.... and I guess I'm not horrible. My first game wasn't great, I lost at 82. But whatever. As we were bowling we had a few other drinks and Amber's started her scavenger hunt. This is when things got interesting. She was totally talking up guys and working it, scoring phone numbers and what not. It was too funny, we got some great pictures.

After two games we decided to head out. When we got our bill. A $70 bar tab and a $50 bowling tab. Yeah. Not good. We were totally shocked. So Amber decided to go to one of the other bars in the mall to try to get money. She had these sleazy guys on her putting dollars in her garter. It was too funny but kind of sad at the same time. We ended up having these guys buy us each two shots and yeah, it was a funny night.

We ended up back at Shannon's for one more drinks and lots of talking about religion and death and.... boys, lol. It was fun. I have to say that I was really happy Elisa came, we had such a good time and it was just awesome. So I'm happy.

So today here I am, feeling tired with a bit of a headache but I guess it could be worse. The sad thing is I called and texted Dustin about a million times last night. I am just so smitten! Anywhere I am I'm thinking about him and wanting to cuddle with him and... God I am just so in love. When I got home today I went over to his place for a little bit just to see him and kiss him. *sigh*

So I have someone interested in my apartment and I have a feeling she's going to be the one to move in. She and her parents are coming out here on Wednesday and I am so keeping my fingers crossed! Tomorrow Kassi and I are going out to look at apartments so hopefully soon I'll be back to the cities!

So sleepy.... time to read some HP and take it easy.... more soon!

*yawn* Well I'm sitting here at Dustin's computer feeling still slightly drowsy despite the fact that it's 11 AM. I haven't gotten to sleep in since Saturday morning and I guess my body's a little thrown off. It keeps screaming "EITHER GET UP AT 3am OR 9am BUT PICK ONE AND STICK TO IT!"

I think this is part of what caused the commotion last night. I was feeling so cranky. After three mornings of waking up at 3AM and working from 5AM to 11AM I wasn't exactly in the best mood yesterday. All I wanted was to watch a little softball and then curl up with D and fall asleep.

But after softball there was parking lot beer and then food at American Pie and then he wanted to sit outside the house with Bryan and drink. And so I sat quietly during PLB even though I really didn't want to drink. And I even had fun at American Pie. But by the time we got to Dustin's the thought of alcohol made me cringe (I drank two beers at the game and just couldn't stand it anymore) and it was cold and I was tired. I don't get the desire to drink sometimes. I really don't get people who feel the need to do it day after day. Not to mention that Dustin's smoking is really getting to me. I mean, I've had people die because of it. And I can't stand the smell of it or kissing Dustin after he's smoked. I adore him but the smoking just makes me so sad. And he seems to completely get egged on when other people are doing it. I don't want to sit here and be the nagging girlfriend telling him what to do and what not to do. But sometimes.... I just snap.

Last night at American Pie he said he loves me. I was so shocked. I mean, I've been wanting to say it but for once I told myself to wait and not push things. So when he said it as he was walking away towards the bathroom I could barely get out, "I love you too" before my heart started beating really fast and I felt... kind of scared. I'm not scared because I'm saying it when I don't mean it.... I definitely mean it. I'm scared because that's just another notch deeper and I'm still having trouble letting go and falling.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I want to tell my past to just take a hike so I can enjoy being in love with Dustin. I'm really tired of questioning myself a million times.

I promise a real entry as soon as I can get my head back on the right way. Right now I guess I'm jumbling too much.

Yeah.

Well so here I am, sitting at D's while he sleeps away half the day. Goodness, I definitely need to teach him to wake up earlier, that's for sure. I've been up since 9 and at least now I'm smart enough to bring a book over so I'm not totally driving him nuts.

The last couple of days have been weird but good. I know I said that I didn't think much would change once Dustin and I officially became a couple. But it is sorta different. First off, EVERYONE knows. I forgot what a small town this is, everywhere I go I get congratulations. I guess that's a good thing, everyone seems happy that D and I are finally together. It feels good knowing that his friends are supportive, that they like me and want me to be with him. Then there's the whole BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND labels. I know I wanted those words really bad but, I have to say, they make me a little nervous. Maybe I'm just not used to them, it has been over a year since I've had someone to call my boyfriend. And even then I partly only wanted it to make someone else jealous. It's been about 2 and a half years since I've been completely proud to call someone my boyfriend. And I've been wanting to be Dustin's girlfriend for so long... I guess it's just a little surreal at the moment. I feel sort of like I'm dreaming and any moment I'll wake up to find it's not true. Dustin Hartenstein is MY BOYFRIEND. How nuts is that???

When this all happened I was having to work a couple of 5AMs in a row, like I said. On Monday night I couldn't seem to get to sleep because I just wanted to see Dustin! I finally called him and asked him to come over for a little while and we kissed and cuddled. He kept looking at me and... I felt so adored. It's been so long since I've felt cared for like that, it feels SO GOOD. However, I had to make him leave so I could get to sleep! I kept telling myself that the sooner I fell asleep the sooner it would be morning and the sooner I could get done with work. That's the only thing that got me through the day was knowing that the faster it went back the sooner I'd see Dustin.

Tuesday night was SO fun! Shannon came over and we went to Dustin's softball game. We sat with Benji and Loretta and Micaela and Heather (the wife of one of the players on Dustin's team). They were playing a double header and once the sun went down it was awesome. The funniest part of "Crazy Sarah" showing up. She's the one that wants Dustin and I kept saying she better stay the hell away from my man. I know I don't seem too intimidating but anyone who knows me well will say that I get a little scary when I'm mad. But I didn't even have to do anything... Loretta and Heather were being catty enough, lol. It was pretty funny, though, I was amused.

So the boys won their first game and lost the second. It was fun to watch and scream for them, I had a really good time. Afterwards Dustin, Bryan, Martin, Shannon and I went back to the house. Shan had to head home so then it was the boys and me. We made a trip for more beer and to McD's for food then came back to drink and what not. There was a little Jodie drama but it was all good. I had fun just chillin' with the boys and again I have to say I'm so glad D's friends like me.

The one problem was me getting my period although... I guess I'm a little relieved because I've been feeling sick to my stomach and I was a little worried about why. But I was bummed because.... well, I'm sure we all know why. Dustin and I went to bed and cuddled and kissed and cuddled more. It was good.... really, really good.

We went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory last night and it was REALLY GOOD, I think, really funny. Yeah... things are good. I'm happy and falling so hard for Dustin. It's just good.

More soon.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh oh my gosh ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. Oh my gosh my heart feels so full. I just... feel so full of something wonderful, something sunshiney and rosy and filled with butterflies and I just want to flit and flutter and dance all over and tell everyone all of the wonderful things I am feeling.

Is it totally dorky and nerdy that all I want to do is make Dustin smile, that all I can do sometimes is sit and stare at him and think of what an absolutely fantastic, awesome, beautiful person he is. As I sit here typing this words I've got tears in my eyes. And maybe that is no big surprise to anyone because I do tend to cry a lot. But for the first time in quite awhile they are small, quiet tears that are a symbol of how absolutely happy I am. For once I am not sitting here crying so loud, my heart bruised and broken, my soul feeling dead. Instead I feel light as a feather, so happy within myself... instead, for the first time in so long, I have found someone that truly fits perfectly into my heart.

I cannot believe how great life has been this summer. I cannot believe that I found out that you don't have to bow down to someone in order for them to care about you. Instead you only have to be yourself and that's enough and to someone that's wonderful and grand and it's all that matters. I know I sound so sappy and lovesick and smitten and I truly cannot help myself. Because I am. I'm nuts and crazy and head over heals into this boy. I'm completely falling for him.

Okay. I just wanted to say that. So there.

Harry Potter comes out at midnight. Can you stand the excitement?

So, as usual, I'm over at D's. I've spent most of this week either over here or out with him somewhere. And I am so insanely happy. I feel so at home and so comfortable and I love cuddling up with him and holding his hand. I just want to watch him and make him happy and that makes me so happy. God I am so content.

Yesterday D changed the oil in my car for me and then we got a little dinner. I managed to spill French dressing all over his bed and my pants and hopefully I haven't ruined both. I felt bad!

We watched John Q last night and I really didn't want to watch it but it did end up being a pretty good movie. It made me cry. You should watch it. Afterwards my back was really hurting and I was tired so I went to bed while Dustin went outside to hang with his boys for a bit. I don't even remember him sitting in bed reading, just that he asked me to move over and that he told me to only use one pillow so my back wouldn't hurt so much.

Today we went to eat at KFC and then drove to a few car dealerships to check out the cool "whips." Now we're kinda chillin' around here till it's time to go swimming at Shannon's. Drinkies and swimming, should be good times.

Have I mentioned how content I am?

Tomorrow I work and will probably crash over here. I won't see D all weekend because he's going tubing on the Apple River for Bubba's birthday on Saturday and I work at 5 AM Sunday. I have no idea what my work week looks like next week but unless Tina drastically changed it when she and Jack were in on Monday I have A LOT of hours. The thing is, that used to bother me because then I couldn't keep my eye on D. But I trust him. It's cool, we'll see each other when we can. Hmm.

Lots of stuff going on over the next few weeks. Amber's bachelorette party is coming up and I'm psyched about it but kinda sad at the same time. I'm not sure what my friends getting married means for our friendship. I know that sounds selfish but I sorta feel like I'm getting left behind. It's weird. Who knows. So there's that. Then D and I are going up to Mom and Dad's the second weekend in August which I am super psyched about. And the next weekend is Amber's wedding! Holy cow that snuck up fast! And somewhere in between all this I have to move because classes start the week after Amber's wedding. Crazy, where's summer going?

Yeah. D's shooting people in the face and we're listening to music. Good day. More soon!

So right now it's about 10:30 AM and I'm sitting at Dustin's computer because when I wake up in the morning I'm too antsy and all my moving around in bed drives him nuts, lol. So I usually get up and check my e-mail and what not so as not to bug him too much.

The last few days have been interesting. On Sunday night I could not manage to get any good sleep. My stomach's been bothering me for the last few days AND I've been a little stressed because of Dustin so it's caused me to just toss and turn in my sleep. Which means at work on Monday I simply wanted to die. I was SO tired! The good news is that next week a couple of my shifts are labeled training shifts so I'm wondering if that means I start my shift manager training next week. Fingers crossed!

When I got home from work all I really wanted to do was sleep. I instead dyed my hair and made myself look all cute. I forgot how much I like it when my hair's darker. I definitely don't think I'll be going much lighter than this again. So I did that and had some lunch and then finally settled down for a little bit. About half an hour before Dustin was supposed to come pick me up (he got off work at 4) I put my head down and immediately just conked out. Yeesh!

So we went to Stillwater to eat at Freight House which was quite cool with it being on the river and all. I really wish my stomach wasn't hurting because I felt bad that I couldn't eat that much, especiallybecause Dustin was buying. So we ate and then walked by the water a little. Then we took the scenic drive home. It's been SO hot out! We got back to D's and just wanted to sit there and move as little as possibly. We ended up watching Hitch which is a REALLY cute movie! Afterwards D shot people in the face and I read a little Harry Potter. The next thing I know D is cuddling up next to me to watch a little TV and I fall sound asleep.

Yesterday ended up being a really good day. Dustin worked from 12 to 8 and I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted to go to his softball game. I went into Perkins around 3ish and sat around there for an hour then ate with at 4. Then I headed home to chill a little. I decided to go to the game and, I must say, I'm glad I did.

We got to the field early so the boys could watch the game before theirs and toss a ball around. I was happy because Benji and Micaela showed up and Bryan was there so I ended up not feeling so much like a loner. Mic and I sat and chatted and it was awesome seeing Benji. We had some drinks and watched the game. The team's pretty good, the problem is that they'll have one bad inning and that's where they lose it. Kinda sucks. But the game was fun. Afterwards we stood around in the parking lot drinking for a little bit. Dustin and I had a beer fight, lol. I'm sure my jeans smell like beer now. Ah well.

We finally came back to D's and just sat around drinking and talking. I still wasn't feeling well. I really have to wonder if it's because of my eating habits and being stressed. Till Dustin brought up going to the doctor again. Long story with that but we had an interesting talk while at the Holiday station picking up pizza and smokes. Hmm.

The night ended around threeish. D and I were super zonked. But it was good. I got cuddled and kissed. It was nice.

More soon.

*sigh*

I'm stressed.

Why am I stressed?

Because Dustin is unsure of what's going on between him and me. And so he is holding me off until he can be sure. Which I suppose I should consider admirable because he doesn't want to hurt our friendship. But I think at this point we're a little too far along and if he does decide he wants to be just friends I'd end up hurt anyway.

I'm not really even sure what exactly the problem is despite all the conversations we've had. I'm not sure if Dustin is just unsure of his feelings or me or if he's scared of ruining our friendship if he pursued his feelings for me.

If it's that he's not sure of his feelings, I guess there isn't really anything I can do. On my end I am SO SURE of how I feel for him. I've kind of felt this way for a long time but because of all the drama I think it's probably seemed fairly on and off. Truth is that I've had a crush on Dustin practically since day one. But because of Rich playing with my heart and because Dustin was being wishy washy with me too nothing too much ever came of it except for drama and my heart getting yanked around. I guess that's why it's hard for me to believe that Dustin's unsure because I don't think we'd be playing this back and forth game for so long if he thought of me as only a friend. Maybe, though, it's hard for me to understand because of my certainty. It's rare that I meet someone that I instantly feel as if I have a connection with. And I've really only let myself fall for two people. Generally I can tell the difference between my heart crushing on someone and my heart falling for someone. And currently my heart is falling for Dustin.

If it's because Dustin's scared of hurting our friendship I guess I can understand. I don't exactly want to think of what would happen if we were to have a relationship, have it go bad and then break up. I'm scared that we wouldn't be able to be friends anymore and that would really hurt me because I'm so close with Dustin. However, I feel so strongly about Dustin and me that I feel positively about the way things would go, which is saying a lot because I'm not exactly the most positive person in the world. I honestly believe Dustin and I would be so good together and I don't really see our fighting continuing.

Here's the deal. Yeah we've been fighting a bit and I know I'm the cause of most, if not all, of it. My problem began with being scared of getting close to someone again and simply not trusting him. As my walls began to crumble and my trust began to build I started to just feel jealous of the girls that Dustin calls his friends. It's not that I'm that much of a jealous person or that I would be jealous if D and I were together. It's that I don't feel all that confident right now what with the weight I've gained lately. I don't feel as pretty as a lot of Dustin's friends and somehow that makes me feel like I have to be jealous. I know that sounds so stupid and I know that there's more to wanting to be with someone that just that someone being attractive. But the vain part of me forgets that. And now, with all that is going on, I guess I'm getting scared. The idea of losing Dustin freaks me out and I forget to just believe in Fate. Instead I do and say stupid things and then the fighting starts. It's silly to say I'd be more confident if Dustin were just my boyfriend. But the fact of the matter is that I'm worried if I just let things continue to be the way they are that Dustin will somehow forget my feelings for him or that Dustin will simply find someone else to flirt with and be with. It's so dumb, it even sounds dumb to me. But try to tell the irrational side of me that.

It's so hard. I know I'm this big believer is Fate and because I am I should just let Fate do it's thing. But on the other hand, I do believe that we have a certain amount of free will. Fate will only take you so far and you have to do the rest. The way I see it is that Fate caused Dustin and me to meet and it's up to us to figure out where to take that. So things can go whichever way we end up taking them. And maybe I'll lose out in the end.

I'm not mad that Dustin is taking his time, I'm really not. I'm just sad. What I wouldn't give to shout from the rooftops that Dustin and I are together. What I'd really love is for us to just be together and to start growing together as a couple. I can't say that I've met anyone quite like him or anyone that seems to bring out so much good in me. I just wish Dustin completely shared that same opinion.

I know I need to be patient. But I'm horrible at being patient, absolutely terrible. So I feel the need to push and pull and yank and tug... and I have a very bad feeling that's going to get me nowhere but not with Dustin. I just have no idea how to calm down because when I really want something... or in this case someone... I tend to go for it full force. And this is me going for Dustin full force.

Oh what's a girl to do? All I want is a little slice of happiness. My life is fine and grand and all. Oh, but wouldn't it be great to have a man to share that with?

Hmm, shall I really go into the Ex-Boyfriend Past? I suppose I could... I'm a little confused about my situation with Dustin right now so maybe I can help myself understand the way I'm thinking if I look back into the past a little. I guess it couldn't hurt. So here you go Mystery Commentor. My Ex Past....

Ben: Ben was my first boyfriend EVER and I really adored him. I was SUPER shy around guys when he and I started talking online and because of this he made a great first boyfriend because, lol, he was such a good teacher. Ben lived in Mankato while I was in the cities so the two months we were "together" we only saw each other three times. But wow, I just thought he was the cat's meow.

Looking back I have to say that the problems were that A) Ben's family wasn't that fond of me. B) We didn't have the same outlook on things that we probably should have had the same outlook on (politics, religion). C) Ben is so into sports and I just can't understand how anyone can make a sport the most important thing in life. D) Ben talked down to me when we got into college because he was supposedly at a better college than me and that, therefore, made him smarter.

Bjorn: I dated Bjorn simply as a rebound. I look back now and can't understand why I did it but at the time I was hurting and couldn't figure out how to stop the hurt. But dating Bjorn wasn't all bad. Somehow he cared about me no matter how misguided he was. We weren't even together that long, maybe a month or two, but he did genuinely care.

The problem was, I didn't have any feelings for him. It hurt me when I broke up with him simply because I knew I was hurting someone else and I never wanted to do that. I guess I STARTED to learn from Bjorn that you can't just date someone because you've been hurt. That doesn't fix things.

Adam: Adam was another rebound boyfriend. I had quite a few my senior year. I did like him but I don't think I ever would have loved him. I think maybe what I liked was that he got along with my friends and the way he asked me to prom was cute.

The problem is that Adam got along with my friends too well and after he broke up with me he formed a "team" against me with Crystal and Carissa. Our breakup hurt me (and yes, he broke up with me) because I think I might have ended up having feelings for him. Then again, I don't think I would have ever loved him. Live and learn.

John: I don't know what I was thinking with John. He was kind of cute and, at first, I thought he was a hopeless romantic which, I thought, was something I was looking for. It was nice to have someone call me every night, someone who wanted to be around me.

Thing is, John is the most controlling person I ever met. I didn't have a car that summer but John insisted that I break my parents rules and take one of their cars to come pick him up. He was constantly telling me I couldn't be friends with my guy friends anymore and he had a thing for making me feel stupid. I think the worst part was feeling as if I had to perform sexual favors for him because I was more experienced than him. He acted like I was corrupting him and I was such a bad girl for doing it. Out of all my exes, John made me feel worst about myself.

Tom: I have to say I did like Tom. He came from a good family and he was a sweet guy and at first things were good. We were together for all of 2 weeks and who knows what would have happened between us. But I did like him and I didn't date him for any other reason other than I thought he was a nice guy.

The problem with dating someone that you aren't friends with first is that you don't have that intimacy already set up. The problem with dating Tom is that we had nothing to go off of and so when he broke up with me I was hurt simply because... I thought I was hot and couldn't figure out why he didn't like me. When he came back later to try to establish a friendship it just didn't work because, hell, he'd already been past that.

Rich: I was so in love with Rich. I just thought he was the absolute world. But like I said with Tom, Rich and I didn't have an establish friendship first and, therefore, had not established trust. Rich came along at a time in my life when I felt like I had been so screwed by men that I just couldn't bring myself to trust Rich. But that didn't stop me from loving him. When things were good they were so good. I loved the safety I felt with Rich, I loved the way we connected, I loved the time we spent together and the talks we had and the normalcy that he gave me.

The problem is that I don't think Rich had much respect for me. And as things got more and more drawn out Rich and I both continued to lose respect for each other. I truly think it all goes back to the fact that we were not friends first. We didn't establish trust between each other and I really believe that it is that lack of trust that eventually tore us apart.

Josh: I adored Josh. Out of all my exes I think Josh and I were probably best suited for each other. Had Josh come along at a time when I was not trying to get over Rich I think that Josh and I could have been happy together. When I was with Josh he made my heart soar. He's funny and sweet and caring and gentle and so many things that I now find myself looking for in a GOOD boyfriend. Despite the fact that we jumped right into making out with each other I felt like we were friends too and we had that 100% trust with each other. And those two things are what made the relationship I had with Josh so good.

But I was rebounding. And Josh happened to be my victim. I still kick myself for the way I handled the situation and I think I will probably always wonder what if.


So Dustin. Why do I think he's so different? Well I'd like to think that I've learned a thing or two from this sorry line of men (and boys) that I call my ex-boyfriends.

I have this amazing friend Dustin who I adore more than almost anyone or anything in the whole wide world. He's adorable and funny and sweet and goofy and caring.... and I'm sure I could probably just go on and on. I have so much fun with him and I can be myself with him and I just can't get enough of being around him. Truly if I had my way I just hang out with Dustin all day and I think I'd probably be content. And he makes my heart fly.

The thing is, and maybe he and I should be having this talk, I have had my trust issues with him. And that sucks. But lately I find even that building. Dustin is the first man that I have ever met that I truly feel like I can be totally happy with and... just have that be that. I've spent a lot of time going after guys to fix pain in my heart and dating guys that treat me like I'm not good enough.

But here's Dustin. Who treats me like gold. Who trust and respect and adore... who is one of my best friends. That's why I think he's so different. I'm falling for one of my best friends. And maybe that's the way it really should be. You should trust and respect and care for the one that you want to be with. And I do. I got it right this time. That's why it's different.

And now I'm crying because I've had a hard night. And I'm getting tired of crying. So more soon.

Really quick first off, Tim FINALLY joined the blogging world so I have updated his web address. Feel free to click on his name and go say a quick hello! Welcome back Tim!

I've been having a good few days. I worked Wednesday morning and then went with Kassi to look at an apartment we liked. However, the landlord was sort of a bitch and didn't bother to call me back to tell me that she'd already rented the apartment. So we drove all around for nothing, bleh.

When I got back to town D and I got together and just kinda sat around for a bit trying to decide what to do. Finally I called Shan and asked if she wanted to meet up with us at Don Pablo's. So we met up around 6 and that was fun, mmmm, I love DP's, especially with two good friends. So we ate and joked around and it was good times. Afterwards we went to the pet store and swooned over the puppies. Man do I want one!!!!!!!! That night I stayed at D's. We played Super Mario and watched Anchorman (which is DUMB). Not too shabby.

Yesterday was SO much fun! D and I went to Maplewood Mall to bum around for a few hours before going to see War of the Worlds. It was really fun, I didn't really feel like trying anything on but it was cool to see D's sense of style and what not. We even held hands a few times and it just made my heart soar. It was sweet. We went to Applebee's for nachos and then finally onward to the movies. I have to say War of the Worlds totally flipped me out! I have never been that freaked out while watching a movie! The whole time I was, like, gripping Dustin's hand! And no, I wasn't trying to get all cozy.... I was honestly freaked out! It was SUPER good but really freaky. Now I guess I'll have to go read the book!

After the movies we came back to D's and he CLEANED HIS ROOM! I was SHOCKED he actually has a FLOOR! Lol, so he cleaned and did laundry and I looked at a Playboy magazine, hehe. Then we kind of settled down and watched Hostage, which was a good movie but kind of hard to follow at points. I don't know, then we just watched TV and goofed around and what not. Dustin gave me an AWESOME back massage and we would give each other little kisses. It's just sweet.... I have such a good time with him and I don't have to feel stressed or act like someone I'm not. I love being able to goof around with him and hug him and kiss him and be however I want around him.

I have no idea when I fell asleep. I just know I woke up in D's bed and curled my arms around him and just felt happy. I just adore him. I just positively, absolutely adore him.

Yeah.

Okay... I need to get something done today because I've been spending all my time at D's! So more soon!