I haven't written for a few days for a few reasons. I hate writing when something bad has happened, especially when I'm really angry about it. Plus I just haven't been home that much. So now it's been a few days and I'm still really angry. I'm so sick of getting screamed at by some little man that has no soul. He thinks he's this great, caring, good person and that I'm the bad guy when in reality he's the one with no heart. He's uses people, manipulates people, lies to them. To think I actually loved a man like that makes me sick to my stomach. I stood up for him when everyone tried to tell me what a bad person he is. I trusted him when there was absolutely no reason for me to trust him. I always say I don't trust my gut enough. I didn't when it came to Ryan and looked where that got me. This horrible man used to ask me why I couldn't trust him and I never had a good reason. Well, I finally figured it out. I didn't ever trust him because how do you trust someone whose completely purpose in life is to make others feel less, to make others feel bad about themselves. He hurts others to make himself feel big and that is absolutely disgusting. He doesn't deserve the small victories he's had in life. No wonder he can't do any better than the little bit he's got now.

So.

Needless to say he's out of my life and there's no way in hell I'd let a cancer like him back in.

Anyway. The other reason I haven't written is because I haven't been here much. On Sunday I kinda lazed around until I had to go to work. And work was... yeah. It was slow up until half an hour before closing when I got a nine top and then a few small tables. And the nine top was absolutely obnoxious. The nice thing was that Betty was closing and she's good at being really helpful with closing. So we got out of there around 10:30. THEN I had to drive Maria home. Maria is one of our servers/bussers/dishwashers and she's kinda... yeah. I can't say no when she asks me for a ride because I'm not a mean person but... man do I not like doing it. Finally I got home and then quickly headed over to D's for the night.

I know I've been talking about D a lot lately. I've been feeling for quite awhile now that something might be there. However, I've held back because Rich was still in the picture and I didn't want to go back to last fall because I didn't feel good about what I did back then. Nonetheless, Dustin and I have been spending a lot of time together and when shit started to hit the fan with Rich I went to Dustin because he was standing there with open arms for me. It is true that on Friday at the bar I wasn't exactly being a good girl by having my hands all over Dustin. Maybe it was something subconscious, I don't know. Well, on Sunday I went to Dustin's to watch more Star Wars and eat some food. We were both being SUPER goofy. We kissed a little bit.... nothing supremely romantic or anything, just a couple of quick pecks before we'd poke each other and act like 5 year olds. After the movie we curled up together and fell asleep.

Yesterday was a FUN day. When D and I finally woke up around noonish I went home to take a shower and about an hour later D showed up at my place so we could make a quick run to Perkins and then a McDonald's run. When we got back to D's house we put the stereo speakers outside, got a blanket, and just lazed around in the sun. It felt SO good. After awhile of sweating we played a game of bean bag toss (which I SUCK at) and then bocce ball (which I suck a little less at). It was so much FUN to just be goofy and carefree and to not worry about being poked because I have a little extra weight or to get an annoyed look because I'm not being mature 24/7. It was just fun.

Around 4 Dustin got a call from Christie that Heath blew a tired. Not good. So D and I went to Perkins to get stuff from Dennis to change the tire and then went to Christie and Dennis' place to help Heath out. I feel kinda bad for Heath, actually, he has wretched luck. When we were done there we stopped at Holiday because I was dying for something to drink. It was then that Loretta called and asked if we wanted to come over to help her put together a grill and then stay for dinner.

So we went to Loretta's and played with her twins (18 months old, SUPER cute) and put together the grill. We grill steaks and had salad and corn on the cob and potato salad and chips... it was SO good! Jodi came over too and we had beer and margaritas and it was just a really good summer evening. A little later Bubba and Bert showed up and we sat outside and talked and it was a good time.

After we left Loretta's we went back to D's and sat outside talking some more. Dustin and I had a small tiff in the kitchen... I said something that sounded bitchy and he was getting annoyed because of that and I got upset because he started to raise his voice and... I just can't handle that right now after the last few weeks of getting screamed at. When we realized how silly we were being we both hugged and it was okay. After one more beer Dustin and I headed to bed. We both apologized again and then started kissing. It felt good to be in his arms and to just kiss him. It was a really good night and I am so, so happy to have D in my life.

ANYWAY... I have more to say but I need to start getting ready for work (joyful). More soon!