Oh it has been a LONG week and I am SO glad the weekend is here! I don't have to work again until Wednesday, I have almost a whole week off and I am SUPER psyched!

This week has been fairly blah. On Monday I seriously sat around all day doing nothing. I went to Dustin's and we finished watching Star Wars as well as watching I, Robot. Not too shabby. I can't believe I actually stayed up for both of them, usually I crash in the middle of the first movie. I have to say that Star Wars isn't actually that bad. Maybe I shouldn't have knocked them so much. Hmm.

I'm getting really used to sleeping at D's. I almost can't stand to sleep in my own bed anymore. I know I shouoldn't let myself get so attached. I've almost called him my boyfriend at least a dozen times. I guess in my mind we're already a couple but I'm not so sure it's the same for him. Sometimes I wonder if he's the way he is with me simply because he's trying to show affection for me. We've had discussions about trust and friendship and he's told me he trust me and relies on me. I think maybe I feel the same way but I am fairly unused to feeling those feelings. There are very few people that I completely trust and rely on. I know in some ways I'm trying to push him away because I'm really scared to be vulnerable around him. I really want to let Dustin in; I absolutely adore him and every day I find more and more reasons that I want him in my life. But.... I really don't want him to be just another person to burn me. He's done it before, how can I trust that he won't do it again?

I have to admit I really miss Rich sometimes. I try really hard not to and between work and being at Dustin's and trying to get some sleep in between I do keep my mind off him pretty well. But sometimes... sometimes I suddenly realize how long it's been since I've talked to him and it really hurts. It hurts me to know that he doesn't even give a damn about me, after him telling me so many times that he wouldn't stop caring, after him telling me he wouldn't just disappear. Sometimes I want to demand answers from him, find out why he lied to me and how he could so easily hurt me. I have to wonder if he just sat there and charmed me because he knew he could and he knows he's so good at it. Maybe he just told me what he knew I wanted to hear. I wish I knew, I wish I could get some kind of answer. It really, really hurts. He doesn't even understand, he never once took any time to understand why I might feel hurt. I don't know.... you sleep with someone for months and that someone jumps through all the hoops you ask her to jump through and then you pick fights with her and shove her off. You treat her like a booty call even though you claim to care so much about her and then you wonder why she gets hurt. I didn't realize that I had a job as a prostitute, I guess I should have been charging for all those nights we slept together. Because there sure weren't any feelings behind it. At least not on his part. Maybe I was stupid to think there were.

Yeah. So I'm not as cool and calm about the situation as I make it out to be. Really there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I'm trying to be over him. But it's so hard. I don't even know why. I don't know what's so great about him that I can't get myself over him.

Um. Yeah.

Going up to the lake this weekend. I probably won't be writing again till D and I get back on Monday. I'm excited, I really need to get away, especially with the evil work week I have coming up. 5 to 11 on Wednesday (that's AM), 11 to 5 on Friday, 5 to 11 (again, AM) on Saturday, and 7 to 11 on Sunday. Gross. I know, I know, I'm the one that wanted to work at Caribou. And I am really starting to like it despite missing people at Perkins. Then again, I don't miss the drama one single bit, lol.

Yeah. So I'm fairly exhausted right now and Dustin's trying to talk me into hanging out with people tonight when I really don't want to. I'm so tired and I'm not up for dealing with people. I'm kind of hurt because we had plans tonight and I'm feeling like the only reason he wants to include me is because he doesn't want to look like he's breaking plans. I dunno.

Soooo.... everyone have a good weekend. More soon.