Oh man, I am so tired right now but I had such a great weekend. I truly wish that I wish still there, I really didn't want to leave. Too bad I have a life back here.

Dustin and I left for Hayward just before 7PM on Friday and it wasn't a bad drive at all. We made fairly good time and it was nice to drive and listen to music and read. The car ride actually flew by, something that doesn't generally happen too often for me because usually I'm in such a rush to want to get somewhere that it seems to take FOREVER.

Friday night when we got to the house we sat down at the bonfire with my parents, Ryan and Lindsay. We all drank a little and roasted hotdogs and it was really nice because I wasn't at all worried about Dustin getting along with my folks. I could run up to the house and leave him with them and not fret about it being uncomfortable for anyone. Already my parents like Dustin and he's so easy to get along with it's not like I ever have anything to worry about with him. He's not the kind of charmer Rich is; sometimes with Rich I felt like he was trying a little too hard to impress. With D I always know he's just being himself and not pushing for anything.

Dustin slept in the guest house which is looking AWESOME. It's part of the off the house garage that my folks have (there's also a two car attached garage). They put up a wall so that there's a little sitting area and then a bedroom. It's really nice, they just need to get better lighting. So that night Dustin slept in the bed in the guesthouse and Ryan slept on the couch while Lindsay was in my brother's room and I was in the guest room in the house. Dustin picked out a book to read (I know, Dustin READS BOOKS... it amazed me too) and we both hugged and said goodnight. The one thing I was sad about was not getting to cuddle with him at night, something I've grown fairly accustomed to.

On Saturday we lazed around. Mom made Dustin and me French toast and then we put on our swimsuits and went for a ride in the boat. We came back and hung around in the sun reading for a bit and then Ryan came home from work. We all went back on the boat to sun and swim. It was SUPER nice, I had so much fun just chillin and what not.

Aunt Mary, Crystal, Crystal's boyfriend Chris, and Andrew ended up coming to the house that night. The funny thing is that Aunt Mary is ALWAYS backing out when Mom invites her out but suddenly she called and wanted to show up. Kinda lame but whatever. They showed up just as we were getting ready to go to Dun Rovin, the restaurant my brother works at, for dinner. So they stayed at the house while we went for dinner.

After dinner we came back and made s'mores at another bonfire and had a few drinks. Then us kids went up to the house to watch Matchstick Men, a move that ended up being really good. Afterwards we were all exhausted so we ended up going to bed. Dustin came and tucked me in, gave me a kiss goodnight, and headed back to the guesthouse.

Sunday was kind of an icky day so we went into town and wandered around for a bit. We then came back where Dustin and I kinda sat around playing Scrabble and what not. We played a little bocce ball with Crystal and Chris (who kicked our asses) then had dinner. I ate like crazy this weekend, probably because I haven't been eating very well for the last month.

After Aunt Mary and the cousins left Dustin and I settled down to watch a move with Mom and Dad. Ryan was at work and Lindsay had already left. So we watched the movie and goofed off. When the movie was over D and I went downstairs to watch another movie. Afterwards I walked him to the guesthouse and we cuddled and kissed and... yeah.

I just had so much fun, it was so good to get to hang out with Dustin all weekend and just goof off and be silly. I'm so happy my folks like him so much, Mom even gave him a hug goodbye. It was sweet to walk through town holding hands or to lean against him when we were watching a movie. I liked the little kisses he'd give me or when he'd tickle my foot to get my attention. Oh... I think I'm falling for him. And for once I'm not that scared anymore. Maybe I'm even learning to trust him.

I'm so tired. And I'm not looking forward to my work week. I'm going to go relax and finish reading my book. More soon!

Oh it has been a LONG week and I am SO glad the weekend is here! I don't have to work again until Wednesday, I have almost a whole week off and I am SUPER psyched!

This week has been fairly blah. On Monday I seriously sat around all day doing nothing. I went to Dustin's and we finished watching Star Wars as well as watching I, Robot. Not too shabby. I can't believe I actually stayed up for both of them, usually I crash in the middle of the first movie. I have to say that Star Wars isn't actually that bad. Maybe I shouldn't have knocked them so much. Hmm.

I'm getting really used to sleeping at D's. I almost can't stand to sleep in my own bed anymore. I know I shouoldn't let myself get so attached. I've almost called him my boyfriend at least a dozen times. I guess in my mind we're already a couple but I'm not so sure it's the same for him. Sometimes I wonder if he's the way he is with me simply because he's trying to show affection for me. We've had discussions about trust and friendship and he's told me he trust me and relies on me. I think maybe I feel the same way but I am fairly unused to feeling those feelings. There are very few people that I completely trust and rely on. I know in some ways I'm trying to push him away because I'm really scared to be vulnerable around him. I really want to let Dustin in; I absolutely adore him and every day I find more and more reasons that I want him in my life. But.... I really don't want him to be just another person to burn me. He's done it before, how can I trust that he won't do it again?

I have to admit I really miss Rich sometimes. I try really hard not to and between work and being at Dustin's and trying to get some sleep in between I do keep my mind off him pretty well. But sometimes... sometimes I suddenly realize how long it's been since I've talked to him and it really hurts. It hurts me to know that he doesn't even give a damn about me, after him telling me so many times that he wouldn't stop caring, after him telling me he wouldn't just disappear. Sometimes I want to demand answers from him, find out why he lied to me and how he could so easily hurt me. I have to wonder if he just sat there and charmed me because he knew he could and he knows he's so good at it. Maybe he just told me what he knew I wanted to hear. I wish I knew, I wish I could get some kind of answer. It really, really hurts. He doesn't even understand, he never once took any time to understand why I might feel hurt. I don't know.... you sleep with someone for months and that someone jumps through all the hoops you ask her to jump through and then you pick fights with her and shove her off. You treat her like a booty call even though you claim to care so much about her and then you wonder why she gets hurt. I didn't realize that I had a job as a prostitute, I guess I should have been charging for all those nights we slept together. Because there sure weren't any feelings behind it. At least not on his part. Maybe I was stupid to think there were.

Yeah. So I'm not as cool and calm about the situation as I make it out to be. Really there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I'm trying to be over him. But it's so hard. I don't even know why. I don't know what's so great about him that I can't get myself over him.

Um. Yeah.

Going up to the lake this weekend. I probably won't be writing again till D and I get back on Monday. I'm excited, I really need to get away, especially with the evil work week I have coming up. 5 to 11 on Wednesday (that's AM), 11 to 5 on Friday, 5 to 11 (again, AM) on Saturday, and 7 to 11 on Sunday. Gross. I know, I know, I'm the one that wanted to work at Caribou. And I am really starting to like it despite missing people at Perkins. Then again, I don't miss the drama one single bit, lol.

Yeah. So I'm fairly exhausted right now and Dustin's trying to talk me into hanging out with people tonight when I really don't want to. I'm so tired and I'm not up for dealing with people. I'm kind of hurt because we had plans tonight and I'm feeling like the only reason he wants to include me is because he doesn't want to look like he's breaking plans. I dunno.

Soooo.... everyone have a good weekend. More soon.

Thanks for that fantastic quote Shan. Makes me think of a few of my exes *small smile*

So I haven't written in a few days because I've been fairly busy. It's definitely taking a toll on me, I'm super tired today and kinda headachey. But it was a really fun weekend so I guess it's semi worth it.

On Thursday I worked from 12 to 4 and it was a pretty good shift. I worked with Jeremiah and Natalie, both of which are pretty cool. Jeremiah kind of ran me through all the side work they do during the day and on how to make coolers. It's funny because I thought I would fall right back into being able to make drinks but I'm SO rusty. It has been over a year since I worked at Borders. I miss just going to it and making drinks in a flash. I'm sure it'll come to me eventually.

After work I went to Shannon's to spend the night because I had to work at 7AM the next morning. We got Pizza Hut and sat around chowing down (as did Franky, who discovered a love for the garlic sauce). Then we went to Wal-mart where we discovered Bubba Kegs, coolers, and random toys that we thought Dustin would like, hehe. We then went to Kohl's and tried on some super cute but a little too small dresses. Finally it was back to the apartment to watch Napoleon Dynamite (not as dumb as I thought it would be) and make nummy chocolate chip cookies.

Friday kind of sucked at work because Tricia put me on during a shift that is really busy when I still don't really know what I'm doing. Plus there were too many people on so it was like we were stepping all over each other. I was EXHAUSTED, I'm really not used to mornings at all anymore. So it was a hard morning and I was so happy when 11 arrived and I could drive home.

I got back to the apartment a little before noon and just lazed around. I watched Days and then fell asleep for about 3 hours. It took all the energy I had to drag myself out of bed and get my stuff together for ValleyFair the next day. Dustin showed up around 7ish and we then went to his place. I helped him clean up his room a bit (who knew he had carpeting on the floor?) and then we settled down to watch Star Wars. We both crashed pretty early, something that's fairly unusual for us.

Saturday morning was hard, lol. When my alarm went off at 7:15 I just wanted to throw my phone across the room and go back to sleep. Instead I dragged myself out of bed and went home to shower and get ready for the day. Around 8:30 Dustin arrived to help me cut fruit for the fruit salad. That was funny... Dustin and I shouldn't be allowed to play with knives or to put food together. We act like we're 5, lol.

Valleyfair was SO much fun! We had a group of 12... Dustin, me, Shannon, Ryan, Lewann, Brandon, Amber, Jono, Elisa, Tom, James and Bob. It was nuts! For the first part of the day we did rides all together. We went on all the rollercoasters and all that good stuff, it was bunches of fun. It was such a perfect day too, sunny and gorgeous and for some reason the lines were short! Definitely a good day. Around 1ish we all went to the picnic area to have lunch. SO GOOD! We had chips and drinks and burgers and hotdogs and, of course, the awesome fruit salad that D and I made. We kind of chilled for awhile. Elisa and Tom left a little way through, they had a grad party to go to. After awhile the rest of us packed up. Shannon, Ryan, Lewann, Brandon, D and I split off and went to the waterpark for a bit. That was lots of fun! We chilled on the lazy river, went on this big tube waterslide, and then went down the other waterslides. We finished off with the lazy river again and finally it was time to head out. Lewann, Brandon, D and I finished off the day by going on Steel Venom.... SO much fun! Good times were had by all!

Brandon and Lewann headed back to River Falls after that and D and I went to Shan and Ryan's to relax for a bit. We gave Dustin his birthday gift. Oh it was so funny. D was SO uncomfortable, lol. I knew he would be, he's so straight when it comes to stuff like that. I don't think I'd ever be able to get him into Sex World. In a way... it's kind of nice. Every now and again it's sorta fun to pull out the handcuffs or whatever and goof around. But truly, should you have to pull that kind of stuff out to have good sex?

We met up with James, Bob, Jono and Amber at Leaning Tower of Pizza around 8:30. That was definitely a good time. The karaoke wasn't as big this time so we had pizza and then James, Bob, Jono, Dustin, Amber and I sat outside. The boys were smoking cigars and it was just a great night to sit outside. Shannon and Ryan were inside doing karaoke. Oh it was nice, I had a good time.

That night I stayed at D's. I ended up fairly upset... we were talking about Rich and about me not being able to totally trust Dustin. It's hard... I've been having a hard time. I adore being with Dustin. I would love to be his girlfriend and I would love to love him and I would love to forget about Rich and every other ex I've had that's made me feel like I'm not good enough. But I am having a very hard time putting my past in my past and ever putting my past with Dustin in my past. Things are going so well between us and we click together so well. I know if things are to continue going well I need to let go. But I am having such a hard time. If I don't soon it's going to start hurting Dustin and me. I have to figure something out really soon. I have to straighten things out.

Last night Mom stayed over and it was really nice. We got Dairy Queen and then came back to the apartment to watch TV and what not. We talked about Rich and Dustin which was nice because I like being able to talk to my mom about stuff like that. It was just good to have her here.

I'm so excited to be going up to the house this coming weekend with D. I'm excited to be getting away and to be getting away with the person that I am trying to learn how to trust. It will be nice to just push the troubles away for a little while and to concentrate on bettering my relationship with D. Because he is SO important to me and I want things to be good between us. I really think it will be a good weekend for both of us.

Well... I think I may have found someone to take my place starting in August. I still have to figure some things out but we shall see. For now it is SUPER dark outside at only 2:30 in the afternoon so I'm going to shut my comp off in case the storm is really nuts. More soon!

Well last night I crashed my car into a wall before going to work. It sounds worse than it actually is and I don't really feel like going into it because I'm sure some of you are just waiting to make fun of me and call me a horrible driver. If I hear a word out of anyone I'll punch them in the face. Because it's not funny, it's money I don't have and it's making me even more stressed than I already am. So go ahead, make fun of me. And be ready for a black eye. Needless to say I am very thankful to Shannon who came to my rescue when I was done with work which kept me from completely breaking down. And also a big thanks to my unnamed saviors who happened by last night and help to make my car at least driveable. And finally a thanks to Dustin who held me last night and, whether he knows it or not, helped me to forget for a little bit that my car looks fucking retarded.

I will say that my first day of work wasn't as okay as it could have been because I was too worried about my car. I feel shy there but the good thing is there aren't nearly as many people working at one time there as there are at Perkins. Makes it easier to remember names and to not make me feel so overwhelmed. Tricia, my new boss, started me on the register last night and... I hate starting on new registers because I'm used to the registers that I've gotten good on where my fingers can just fly. I hate being slow at something. I know I'm learning but being a perfectionist I want to be perfect RIGHT NOW. Tricia also showed me a little bit about inventory but I know that will take time, inventory is a tricky thing sometimes. Today I work an noon... in fact I have to leave soon to get there on time. I think I'm getting trained on all the sidework today. Nice. And tomorrow I work at 7 (yes, AM) and I believe I'm getting trained on making drinks. I'm bummed out because tonight I'm going to be missing D's birthday party because I'm going to stay with Shan in the cities tonight so I don't have to wake up ultra early tomorrow. I really don't want to have to miss his birthday, I feel bad and everyone from Perkins is going to be there. So it kind of sucks. I can't believe I'm already complaining about this job! Lol, I'm a dork.

I slept at D's last night after stopping by Perkins to see people. We ate popcorn and watched Blow and he held me. I didn't sleep well last night, I kept waking up and Dustin was awake and it was just annoying. So I'm sure I'll be zonked tonight. Ah well. I'd still rather sleep at D's then alone.

Anyway... work. More soon.

Well yesterday was my last day at Perkins and, to be honest, I'm really kinda sad. I'm going to miss a lot of people and the silly things that happen there. There was so much drama and sometimes it was the last place in the world I wanted to be. But for awhile it was home. And I really am going to miss it there.

I did end up getting screwed over, though. Loretta was possibly coming in to work for someone last night. It was a closing shift and Loretta never called Randy back to tell him she wasn't going to do it. So she didn't come in which meant we all had to stay later. I ended up not only having to do my own sidework but also some of the closing duties and it just ticked me off. I was supposed to be done at 9 and if Loretta had come in I would have gotten out of there earlier. But because of her I ended up being there till almost 10. Really uncool.

The nice thing was that Betty showed up to say goodbye and had a card that she got some people to sign. It was sweet. Dustin and I were outside having an ass slapping contest and then Ryan came out and slapped my ass. I didn't think anything of it until Betty was like, "Hey Krysten, you have something on your ass." So I look and sure enough there's a powder sugar handprint on my butt. I will get Ryan back. He better watch out!

I went over to D's last night and drank an entire bottle of sparkling wine all by myself, lol. We watched Shrek 2 and ate pizza and what not. I... don't know. Think I may be getting screwed over by him. I'm not sure, I don't really have any evidence. I know I need to ask D what's up between us but I'm just not ready yet. I guess we'll see what happens this week. I didn't want to fall for him. I know he's hurt me in the past and I told myself it'd be so much easier for us to just be friends. But I do like him. I have so much fun with him and I adore kissing him. And we can talk and we actually listen to each other. I don't know... it's going to hurt pretty bad if he shoots me down. I've let my heart get more into this that I wanted to.

I have my first day at Caribou today and I'm starting to get nervous. I hate first days! I don't even really know what I'm supposed to wear. Hmm.

Anyway.... gotta leave soon. More soon!

Oh what a bunch of perfection. Maybe not even perfection but I feel like a black cloud is gone from my life and oh does it feel so damn good.

Yesterday night I went to Shannon's so that we could go birthday present shopping for D. Oh my gosh I swear to God I love silliness like the silliness that went on last night. First we went to Old Chicago which is SO nummy. It just makes me smile.

After dinner we drove to Minneapolis and SEX WORLD. Hell yeah bitches! Shan's never been there before and it was quite an experience, hehe. After much searching and giggling and a few "ew gross" we ended up getting Dustin a penis pump (OMFG that makes me giggle every time I think of it) and this little woman that when you put her in water she's supposed to get bigger. Too funny! I'm sure Dustin will be amused, hehe.

We then went to Target for wrapping paper and that was funny too. We ended up getting him this silly birthday card, something having to do with "waggity wags" which just had me totally cracking up. Then we got him a gift bag that says "fancy pants" on the front, which I think is too funny. Oh man, it's gonna rock!

Finally we got some Caribou and then I ended up heading home.

Around 11ish D picked me up and we went back to his place to watch the next of the old Star Wars. It was just nice being able to be next to him and to feel his arm around me the whole time. It's so comforting, I don't have to worry about when he's going to jump on me to have sex or whether or not I'm wearing cute enough panties.

After the movie we curled up and watch a little more TV. We didn't even kiss last night and... oddly, that was fine with me. Is this what it's like to feel something deeper for someone than just something sexual? It was just so nice to be in his arms and to feel safe and warm and good. I love it. I just absolutely love it.

This morning we got up around noonish and I made D lunch. And now I'm just kinda chillin' here... trying to decide when I'm going to take a shower. Yeah.

More soon!

I haven't written for a few days for a few reasons. I hate writing when something bad has happened, especially when I'm really angry about it. Plus I just haven't been home that much. So now it's been a few days and I'm still really angry. I'm so sick of getting screamed at by some little man that has no soul. He thinks he's this great, caring, good person and that I'm the bad guy when in reality he's the one with no heart. He's uses people, manipulates people, lies to them. To think I actually loved a man like that makes me sick to my stomach. I stood up for him when everyone tried to tell me what a bad person he is. I trusted him when there was absolutely no reason for me to trust him. I always say I don't trust my gut enough. I didn't when it came to Ryan and looked where that got me. This horrible man used to ask me why I couldn't trust him and I never had a good reason. Well, I finally figured it out. I didn't ever trust him because how do you trust someone whose completely purpose in life is to make others feel less, to make others feel bad about themselves. He hurts others to make himself feel big and that is absolutely disgusting. He doesn't deserve the small victories he's had in life. No wonder he can't do any better than the little bit he's got now.

So.

Needless to say he's out of my life and there's no way in hell I'd let a cancer like him back in.

Anyway. The other reason I haven't written is because I haven't been here much. On Sunday I kinda lazed around until I had to go to work. And work was... yeah. It was slow up until half an hour before closing when I got a nine top and then a few small tables. And the nine top was absolutely obnoxious. The nice thing was that Betty was closing and she's good at being really helpful with closing. So we got out of there around 10:30. THEN I had to drive Maria home. Maria is one of our servers/bussers/dishwashers and she's kinda... yeah. I can't say no when she asks me for a ride because I'm not a mean person but... man do I not like doing it. Finally I got home and then quickly headed over to D's for the night.

I know I've been talking about D a lot lately. I've been feeling for quite awhile now that something might be there. However, I've held back because Rich was still in the picture and I didn't want to go back to last fall because I didn't feel good about what I did back then. Nonetheless, Dustin and I have been spending a lot of time together and when shit started to hit the fan with Rich I went to Dustin because he was standing there with open arms for me. It is true that on Friday at the bar I wasn't exactly being a good girl by having my hands all over Dustin. Maybe it was something subconscious, I don't know. Well, on Sunday I went to Dustin's to watch more Star Wars and eat some food. We were both being SUPER goofy. We kissed a little bit.... nothing supremely romantic or anything, just a couple of quick pecks before we'd poke each other and act like 5 year olds. After the movie we curled up together and fell asleep.

Yesterday was a FUN day. When D and I finally woke up around noonish I went home to take a shower and about an hour later D showed up at my place so we could make a quick run to Perkins and then a McDonald's run. When we got back to D's house we put the stereo speakers outside, got a blanket, and just lazed around in the sun. It felt SO good. After awhile of sweating we played a game of bean bag toss (which I SUCK at) and then bocce ball (which I suck a little less at). It was so much FUN to just be goofy and carefree and to not worry about being poked because I have a little extra weight or to get an annoyed look because I'm not being mature 24/7. It was just fun.

Around 4 Dustin got a call from Christie that Heath blew a tired. Not good. So D and I went to Perkins to get stuff from Dennis to change the tire and then went to Christie and Dennis' place to help Heath out. I feel kinda bad for Heath, actually, he has wretched luck. When we were done there we stopped at Holiday because I was dying for something to drink. It was then that Loretta called and asked if we wanted to come over to help her put together a grill and then stay for dinner.

So we went to Loretta's and played with her twins (18 months old, SUPER cute) and put together the grill. We grill steaks and had salad and corn on the cob and potato salad and chips... it was SO good! Jodi came over too and we had beer and margaritas and it was just a really good summer evening. A little later Bubba and Bert showed up and we sat outside and talked and it was a good time.

After we left Loretta's we went back to D's and sat outside talking some more. Dustin and I had a small tiff in the kitchen... I said something that sounded bitchy and he was getting annoyed because of that and I got upset because he started to raise his voice and... I just can't handle that right now after the last few weeks of getting screamed at. When we realized how silly we were being we both hugged and it was okay. After one more beer Dustin and I headed to bed. We both apologized again and then started kissing. It felt good to be in his arms and to just kiss him. It was a really good night and I am so, so happy to have D in my life.

ANYWAY... I have more to say but I need to start getting ready for work (joyful). More soon!

It's been an interesting few days. Not all of it has been good but the bad things I plan on not talking about because they're private. That and I hate talking about the bad things, they make me cry.

Wedneday I truly just stayed in bed all day. I wasn't feeling well physically or mentally. I just curled up, cried a little, cuddled the cat till she got sick of me getting tears all over her fur. I broke my date with Shannon because I had a headache and then felt guilty about it because it's rude to break plans with people.

I finally got up around 5 and took a bath which made my head feel better. At 8 Dustin came over and we pretty much went to his place and curled up for a nap. Around 10 we went to Econo to get junk food, binged on that, watched Star Wars, and the next thing I know my alarm is going off at 7:15 in the morning and Dustin's pulling me back into the bed. It's great to have a cuddle buddy. It's good to know that that's all we have to do. He brings me comfort. That's good.

Today I went to the store that I will soon be working at as a shift manager. I met with my new boss, Tricia, who is super cool and who I'm sure I'm really going to like. She seems really laid back which is good. And I guess Betsy, the woman from corporate that interviewed me on Tuesday, just gushed about me. So I'm totally happy and a tad nervous. New jobs are never easy, you don't know anyone. But I'm sure it'll be good.

When I got back to River Falls I stopped in at Perkins to give my two weeks notice. It was weird because I know I talk shit about Randy but he was so nice to me and seemed genuinely happy to see me moving up. It was really sweet, actually, and I guess Randy's not such a bad guy. Part of me is going to miss Perkins despite all the drama.

Tonight Shan and I went to dinner at Applebee's and then to the movies to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It was a really good movie, definitely a tear jerker. I'm glad we went to see it, I had a good time and was able to put some of my worries out of my head for a few hours.

On the drive home I put the windows down, opened the sunroof, blasted the music and just sang my heart out. It felt really good to just be nuts for awhile. I need more of that.

Anyway... time for bed. Tomorrow after work Dustin, Lewann, Lewann's boyfriend Brandon, and I are going out to the bars and just getting wasted. Should be interesting, hehe. Sooooo, more soon!