Ugh. Two finals down, three to go. Well, two more tests and a presentation to go. And I practically run away when the test is over. I'm just sick of it. I am so sick of school, I can't stand it. For some reason it just does not seem worth it. I'm tired of having to wake up early, I'm tired of classes, I'm tired of lectures and tests and homework and stupid group projects. And I know most people are probably saying, "Oh it's just the end of the year blues." But... why do we put ourselves through this BS? It takes SO LONG when you could already be in the working world. I guess maybe I wish school was more about internships and less about classrooms. What, do you seriously think I'm going to remember anything I learned this semester? Because I promise you I haven't retained a thing. I crammed it all into my head for this week of tests and as soon as I walk out of that last lecture hall on Friday I plan on forgetting every single thing I learned. It just does not seem at all important.

Okay. So there's me complaining. I sound depressed, lol. Actually, I'm really doing okay aside from being so sick of school. I finally put a piece of my past behind me for good and it just feels great. I feel like I'm finally waking up from a bad dream and it's a new day and I can step out and be me. I'm sorry to anyone I pushed away or haven't treated well over the last... well, almost two years now. A lot of things just seemed fake. I look back sometimes and wonder why I can't just go back to being a kid, when I hadn't heard of words like rape and depression and suicide and all those bad nightmares that haunt me night after night and day after day. And I hate asking for help. I hate it more than anything in the whole wide world. I do not EVER want to appear weak to anyone. I want to have enough money to support myself, I want to be healthy because of my will to be that way, I want to get through my classes and work MYSELF.... I just hate thinking I need something or someone to lean on. Which is funny because I know I always say that I love my friends because I know they're there for me. But you have to know... part of me is biting my lips and digging my nails in the palms of my hands because I HATE saying "please help me." So it's been hard. The nightmares and the feelings of not being whole... the depression and the suicidal thoughts. It's been fucking hard as hell and I've hated every damn minute of it. It's the thing that makes me scream at my friends, makes me pull away, makes me say things I don't mean... makes that part of me so horrible. I know that saying I'm sorry doesn't really cut it. I'm not even sure if there's anything I can really do at this point. Things got screwed up. And they're getting better now. I just hope they're getting better in time.

My heart feels really full right now. And that both excites and scares me. I'm so excited for this summer because I really want it to be a summer in which I reunite with my friends. In my head I see drive in movies, chills nights, movie nights, drinking nights and game nights. I want girls weekends and weekends to my parents' house and ValleyFair. I want more nights at Leaning Tower with good drinks, good food, bad singing and great friends. I'm just excited to get to know my friends better, the people I've managed to really take for granted these last couple of years. At the same time I'm a little scared because I need to start admitting my feelings and that's very hard for me. While I hope by now that everyone knows how much I love and adore and appreciate them I want to be able to say that and actually SPEAKING the words is very hard for me. Please give me some time. I'm trying, I'm working really hard. But it will take time. It's as if I've had a disease for the last two years. It's going to take a little getting used to being better.

Wow lots of writing. I have a lot in me right now. It's too bad I'm feeling so tired. It's been a long day and I have another long one ahead of me tomorrow. I won't be able to breathe properly until my presentation for org. comm. is over on Wednesday. So basically I won't be a normal human being until 3:00 on Wednesday. Then I just have my geology final on Friday which should be cake.

Okay. Bed. More soon.