My love and yours

CARIBOU COFFEE!!

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

So I have one of those calendars where you pull off a sheet each day. Anyway, for today this is what mine said:

Today's To Do: Give good interview.

Only good girls are silly enough to sweat and suffer through a job interview. A bad girl knows a job interview is just a TV talkshow appearance in front of a very small studio audience. Thing about it - they invited you! They want you to be there. You want to look good and sound articulate, you want to sell yourself without trying to hard, and you want the audience to love you. Powder your nose, pretend you're a celebrity, and enjoy the Q & A.

Today I had a job interview. I tried to keep pretty quiet about it because I didn't want to get my hopes up for no reason. I learned that the hard way last year when I was offered a position but ended up getting screwed because I was supposedly late to the second interview (which I still disagree with). I told a very few people only because I have a hard time keeping certain things to myself.

What happened exactly? Well, when I decided to make this life change I had a moment where I thought maybe I would just get a full time job and take time off school. So I went onto the Caribou Coffee website and filled out an incredibly generic application for store manager. It was so bad that they didn't even ask for phone numbers of employers or anything. Like I thought, I got a generic "thanks, but no thanks" e-mail from Caribou. I figured I would since I don't exactly have the experience to be a store manager.

However, a couple of days later I got a phone call from Betsy at Caribou Corporate asking me for an interview. So it was all set, I had a week to sit and wait and wonder about the interview. She didn't exactly say it was for store manager or anything. So I was a little nervous to find out what the interview would even be like. She just said to bring a resume and be at the Hudson Caribou at 10 on Tuesday.

Well, the interview was interesting. It was definitely the most in depth interview I've ever been on. The funny thing is, I LOVE job interviews. Like my calendar said, I treat them as if they're all about me. The way I see it, even a bad job interview is an experience and a way to learn to be better. And I have to say, some of the questions made me nervous. I'm definitely very green when it comes to management experience. However, I must have done something right. Because I was offered a job.

Basically I will be starting as a shift manager, second in command. That will be my training for a couple of months. Once I show them I'm up to it, I can move straight into store manager. Amazing? Yeah, I think so too. I'm so excited to start this, to get responsibility, to move up a little bit. Oh my, I can't wait to start!

As this will be full time I've decided that I'll do school part time. I know how important school is and believe me, I want a damn degree if it kills me to get it. So to those of you who are shaking your heads and wondering why I'm making this decision believe you me, I'm not letting this change my mind about how important my degree is.

Anyway, until I start at Caribou I still have Perkins. And today I start at 3 so before that I need to get some food in me or I'll be REALLY cranky at work. I promise more soon, things are looking so bright!

12:34 PM

This Weekend *sigh*

Sunday, May 29, 2005

I love how I say I'm not going to write for awhile and then end up writing anyway. Whatever. I was really angry Friday and I'm still really angry. There's poison in my life and it pushed me back A LOT on Friday. I am so unhappy with what happened and how it made me feel so utterly helpless. I plan on figuring out this week, one way or another, what I'm going to do. And putting this bullshit to and end.

I am quite lucky to have Dustin in my life. He was really there for me on Friday, even at three in the morning when some don't feel they need to be there for their friends anymore. Like, what, being friends with someone is like having a job and you get to pick which hours you don't have to be a friend? Have fun being alone.

Saturday Elisa came over. We had a talk about how we'd both been bad friends and there had been misunderstandings. It was good to see her and good to talk and it didn't feel at all uncomfortable like I thought it would. So hopefully things will get better from here on out with all us girls and we can go back to some form of a more grown up "clique."

I worked 5 to close Saturday and it was DEAD. Which was fine because we were all having fun goofing off and being silly. I don't know what my deal was but I was being totally naughty, flirting with all my guy coworkers. We had fun though, it's nights like that that I really like working at Perkins.

After work D and I went to Christie and Dennis' for biscuits, gravy and fresh fruit. So good! It's food like that that fills you up for a week. It was just D, me, Christie, Dennis and Haylee. So we ate and watched TV and played with the dogs. But that's also the kind of food that makes you SO sleepy. We left around 2ish and I went back to D's to watch some TV. I've been crashing at his place quite a lot lately. It's good to have someone that I can just curl up with and feel comfortable with. We talk about so many things and he's so good to me. It's hard to not want to crash with someone that you can be like that with. It's better than having to sleep alone in a tiny bed wondering what you've done wrong to make someone not want to be with you. At least Dustin takes my mind off things like that.

Today I did the DUMBEST thing. I was washing my work stuff and some other clothes. I had a load of colors sitting on the dryer while I poured in the soap. Well, I just slid the clothes right into the washer. Problem is that with the clothes I accidently pushed in a box of dryer sheets in. So when the load was ready for the dryer I opened up the washer and... cardboard and fluff ALL OVER my stuff. Could not believe it. It was a HUGE bummer. *sigh*

Work was SLOW today so Dustin and I kind of.. well. Okay, so I went to a table with two drinks and a shake and totally tripped over my feet. Luckily I spilled the stuff onto an empty table but was SO embarassed. I walked back to get new drinks and Dustin was just laughing his ass off! So I wiped some whip cream on his shirt, lol. He chased after me with the can of whip cream and... well, it was war. Man I'm scared! But it was good, I made okay money tonight despite it being slow.

Anyway.... I have a meeting with a potential roomie tomorrow. That and Sundae is being psycho kitty so I need to calm her down. Soooooooooooo, more soon!

11:21 PM

He Fucking Hates Me

Saturday, May 28, 2005

I'm angry. And the one person that could help me over being this way is being so unkind. Won't be writing. It just doesn't seem to matter right now.

He fucking hates me
Trust
He fucking hates me
La la la love
I tried too hard
And he tore my feelings like I had none
And ripped them away

9:44 AM

Update AGAIN

Friday, May 27, 2005

I just realized I haven't written since Tuesday. I feel kinda bad about it and I'm not really sure what I've been up to since Tuesday that I haven't written. I worked on Wednesday, if that helps at all. I made no money, I was there for about 4 hours and made less than $20. It's sucking A LOT. I don't know where I'm going to come up with money to pay rent this summer if I keep making tips like this. Absolutely no clue how I'm going to stay afloat.

Yesterday was a fun day. Dustin and I got together around noon and went apartment hunting. Actually, there were 4 I wanted to look at and I could only go look at the neighborhoods and the outsides because I haven't actually called the places. I figure why waste the time having someone talk up their building when I'm really not interested in the neighborhood? So we stopped quickly in Woodbury so that D could hand in an application for Comp USA. The we went to St. Paul.

The first building, Arundel, is my favorite, though it's the furthest away from Century. It's in a good neighborhood with cute little shops around it and the rent isn't too bad. The second two, Emerald Pointe and Flandrau, were in kinda icky neighborhoods. I know beggars can't be choosers but I am kind of a naive suburbs girl. At least I admit it. Finally we went to The Park, which is right by Sunray so I know the neighborhood fairly well. It looked like a nice place but later when I called found they had no vacancies for studio apartments. So I'm waiting to hear back from Arundel.

In the meanwhile I am on roommates.com and have been chatting it up with a guy that is getting a townhouse in St. Paul. He's looking for a renter and got in touch with me. So we're going to meet on Monday (don't worry, D's coming with me, I'm not stupid) and, who knows, could I be possibly living with a guy roommate? I almost think that would be easier, I have some kind of issue with females sometimes. Guys, I suppose, are more straightforward and when I'm around them I don't have such a problem saying certain things. Who knows, could be cool.

After apartments D and I went to Pizza Hut in Woodbury which turned out to be hilarious. We were the only ones in the place and Dustin was totally into our server. She was pretty hot, little too much eye makeup though (like I'm one to talk). So every time she walked away D was going on about how hot she was. Finally she comes back to the table to drop off the bill and I happen to glance at her nametag, which is when I find out her name is LEAH. Lol, D, as he would say, nearly "shit a brick." It was pretty amusing. However, that didn't stop him from writing in the memo of his check "server was HOT." And on the bill underneath where it says thank you D wrote, "No, thank YOU! Wink wink, nudge nudge," and then he wrote his number, lol. I have no idea what I'd do if someone did that to me as a server. D's pretty cute, though, I suppose I'd be flattered.

We came back to River Falls and chilled at my place for a bit. Then around 5 Loretta, Bubba, Dustin and I went to see House of Wax. The movie was okay although REALLY icky. Loretta and I kept jumping, which I NEVER do. But it was good (even though Paris Hilton was in it, yuck).

When the movie was done we went to TGI Fridays and finally back to the house. We got a 24 pack of beer and sat around playing drinking card games, which was totally hilarious. The boys got fucked when we played choices and Loretta got fucked when we played Fuck The Dealer. Niiiiice, hehe.

Around midnight we headed to a few bars. At Bo's we each had a long island ice tea which was the killer for me. Those things are BAD! After a few games of pool we then went to Boomer's to dance a bit. Bryce from work was there and us girls were totally making him blush, lol. It was amusing.

We got back to the house and I decided to just crash there. Alcohol just makes me really tired and despite the fact that I live right around the corner I really hate the idea of driving when I've had as much to drink as I did. So I called Rich back really quick and hopefully we'll hang out today. Then I crashed.

So that's the quick update. Today I'm hoping to see Rich and then I work all this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed that I make some good tips!

More soon...

11:47 AM

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

So... my life is changing even more. Maybe this is the whole "catapillar into a butterfly" thing. I'm hoping so, I'm getting tired of all this change. Not that change isn't good (sometimes) but it makes me feel unsettled.

I'll start out with Miss Kitty Face. I definitely think I made the right decision in adopting Sundae. The first night she was here she slept in my bed all night which was so sweet and wonderful. I have definitely missed having a pet around. The last few nights, though, she's driven me a little nuts, lol. I have a feeling it's because I've been working and had to leave her at home by herself. So she sleeps all day and then wants to play at night when it's bedtime. So we need to work that out a bit. She's so playful, though, and so sweet and talkative. I just adore her.

Rich is another person/thing driving me crazy. Ugh what is wrong with us!? Yesterday I got accused of freaking out when I wasn't at all, it just came off that way because we were talking online. That's so frustrating because then I did get mad. I absolutely hate when people assume things of me and you would think that Rich would have figured that out by now. Eventually we figured things out but I keep holding my breath, waiting for us to fight again. I think it's that we both assume that it'll happen again... we bring it on ourselves. I am so frustrated because if we could just debate rather than fight, be healthy about our differences, then things would be good. I always get the feeling that Rich isn't really paying attention. That he just assumes this is all my fault and until I do all the changing he's just going to continue to act the way he always has. It takes two. This isn't all my fault, the only other person I'm this way with is my dad. So quit blaming me for everything. If we are ever going to get along you need to realize that you have some fault in the situation too. Or it is never, ever going to change.

So... I guess I should now come to the main point of this entry. The next big change in my life. I am college jumping AGAIN. I know, I know... I said that this would be it and I would be graduating from River Falls. However, what I didn't say was how passionless this place makes me feel. It's like I can go to classes and do the work in them. I can make the grades. But there is just nothing there. Kinda like when you're dating the wrong person. You know it's wrong but you stay there to please someone else. Well, I was trying to stick it out to make my parents happy. But I am so tired of doing things to make others happy. So I e-mailed them on Friday night and dropped the bomb. And it was HARD. We've talked twice on the phone since then. Sunday night, in my opinion, did not go well simply because, like Rich, I felt like they were trying to make everything my fault. It was ridiculous, we ended up barely being civil when we said goodbye. However, yesterday they called me and basically said, "We want what will make you happy" and la de da. So. This is the plan: I'm moving to the cities and going back to school at Century. I'm going to get a two year degree in marketing rather than a four year. And I need to get a new job, obviously, since I can't keep driving to River Falls. Seems simple. Eh, doesn't feel so simple now. Hopefully it will all fall into place.

What else is going on here? Well, work has been DEAD. I was working a great shift Saturday but because we were so dead I made no money. And Sunday I had about 7 tables total which resulted in a lack of money again. It's driving me nuts. However, we have had some fun at work in place of the lack of customers. On Sunday Dustin found a bowtie on top of the Coke machine and proceeded to play James Bond for the rest of the night. It was hysterical, he even crawled through the dishwasher's window. Oh we had a good time despite outselves.

In addition to all that, Dustin and I have a plan for Betty. Betty's getting married on Wednesday. So Dustin and I are going to string tin cans together to tie to her car in addition to writing Just Married on her car. Lol, she's gonna flip out, hehe, which I think is going to be just hysterical. Yay for fun at work!

Shannon came out here yesterday and we went out to dinner at Green Mill. I had to tell her all about what's been going on with school and my folks and it was good to get support from her. So it was a good night last night and hopefully after this blip in my life with be over with soon.

Nada else for now. I work tonight and tomorrow. Hopefully I'll make some sort of money sometime soon. Sooooo........ more soon!

9:49 AM

The Prank War is ON!

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Have you ever had a dream that just hangs on your for days afterwards? I did last night. I don't usually have dreams that truly BOTHER me but last night was definitely something else. I don't even want to explain what happened in the dream because I'm actually ashamed of how Dream Krysten acted. I know maybe that sounds lame but I just have to wonder... is that what's really in my subconscious? I sure hope not. I don't know... I'm hoping this dream won't hang on too long. It's really bugging me.

Sundae seems to be doing good. She's so sweet! The first night here she slept next to me all night which was SO cute. She kinda follows me around, right now she's on my bed watching me type. I'm a little concerned because she's sneezing a bit and I'm hoping she's not allergic to anything in the apartment. I have a feeling we may be taking a trip to the vet soon, eep. Otherwise, though, she's such a sweet little kitty. I'm truly happy to have her.

There is a little prank battle going on here. In fact, it's an all out war! It all started last September when Betty and Dustin thought it would be funny to call Perkins and pretend to be the owner. Since then things have died down... until last night. I called Perkins to let D know that Lewann and I were going to his house for a bonfire that they were having. Well, Betty answered and when I asked for Dustin she said she had to send him home because he cussed out a customer. I was shocked! Dustin's usually so laid back but he does have a temper. Just as I was finishing up the convo with Betty Rich called. So I took that call, still totally shocked. Afterwards I called Dustin's cell, wanting to see if he was okay. And BETTY ANSWERS! I was PISSED! She totally had me. And Dustin's just acting like a little bitch, lol. So after I hung up the phone Lewann and I decided to saran wrap Dustin's car. We went to Econo to get whipped cream, too, and then to Perkins. Lol, it was hilarious. Afterwards we went inside and Dustin went out to smoke, which is when he saw his car. So.... I have a feeling it's on, lol.

Soooooooo, Rich has now decided that he and Gus are going to get a couple of cats. Lol, that's why he called me last night. Rich, you copy me. I don't care if you've been thinking about it for a few years now... I'm the one that took the leap and got a cat, you're just following behind me. But I still think you're cute anyway. Go to the Humane Society!

Nada else is going on. I work from 2 to 9 tonight and then probably hanging with D. We've been hanging out a lot lately and that's making everyone at work talk. The thing is, I just feel comfortable with him. There isn't anything else between us, just comfort and friendship. The butterflies and fireworks are all gone. But yeah, I'm sure people will still talk. Because guys and girls can never be just friends *rolls eyes*

So yeah, going to finish getting ready for work. More soon!

11:24 AM

My Green Eyed Girl

Friday, May 20, 2005

My Green Eyed Girl
Originally uploaded by thepixie.

Today was an incredibly long day but with some very good results. I will make this short only because I didn't get much sleep last night and with all the running around I did today I'm EXHAUSTED.

I was supposed to get a siamese kitten today. I found a breeder selling them for $100 and I was SO excited. Lewann came with me and our first stop was Woodbury to go to the bank and then Petsmart. We got the future kitty a carrier, food, litter, and a cute little toy.

We headed out the Maplewood Mall because the breeder lives close to there. First we stopped at the mall so Lewann could find some glasses. She has a fake ID but the girl in the ID is wearing black plastic rimmed glasses. So Lewann bought so at The Icing. Naughty girl.

I called the breeder when we got to the car and was informed that she sold the last two kittens to a man that was willing to pay an extra $100 for them. I have to say I was really bummed. I was really, really bummed.

We drove to Hudson and had lunch at Pizza Hut and caught up. It's been awhile since I've hung out with Lewann and today I was reminded of how much I like her and want her as a close friend. We talked a lot about roommates (Leah is one of Lewann's roomates and she has been having A TON of troubles with her) and about guys. Lewann gave me some insight as to my problems with Rich and reminded me of the reason that I care for him so much. It was good to talk to someone who understands where I'm coming from.

Lewann convinced me to take a drive to River Falls Humane Society. And... I was pleasantly surprised. They had four cages of cats, each with about 7ish or so cats. In each cage we would sit down and just let the cats come to us. We met cats that just wanted to sit in your lap, super playful cats, sleepy cats, and cats with feet fetishes (I think they liked our toenail polish). We met big ol' orange fat cats and a beautiful siamese with blue eyes. We went through once to just meet them. Then went through again and I kind of made mental notes about which cats I liked. Finally, we went through one more time and I made a decision.

Her name is Sundae. She is a gray and white domestic short hair with a loveable attitude and the most beautiful green eyes you have ever seen. She's one year old, on the smaller side, and so sweet that I just want to scoop her into my arms and shower her with kisses. She mews like this sweet little princess and purrs like a little motor. Oh and I think I am already in love with her.

So please help me in welcoming the newest member to my family. Feel free to come by and visit. She loves presents!

8:46 PM

Great Day

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you come back, I have something to say
How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home, home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel

Yesterday night at work went SUPERB! I only worked about 3 hours and didn't even serve that long. I was a little bummed out at first because 3 hours hardly seems worth it, especially because generally you get cut before that so you can start your clean up duties. However, it went well. I got some great tables... at one table I got a $10 tip off a $30 bill. Nice. It was fairly slow so I could be really attentive to my customers and I just made really good tips. It was definitely a good night PLUS I was second off so I had easy clean ups AND Nickie accidently rolled my silverware so I didn't have to. Not that I mind rolling silverware but whatever.

I managed to get ditched by Dustin which kind of sucked. We were supposed to get together to watch the 3rd Harry Potter and have pizza. However, he ditched me for Star Wars. I swear. And people wonder why I don't like those movies, all the boys ditch me for them! I can't believe I'm jealous of a silly set of movies, lol. Very sad. So I ended up coming home and spent a few hours burning 3 workout CDs. So now I just have to USE the CDs, lol. Finally I went to bed and slept about 10 hours. I need to find something to do in the morning so I'm not so lazy. Easier said than done.

Finally, finally FINALLY the Comcast ordeal has been figured out. I'm not sure if I mentioned this but last week Tiffany called them and requested ANOTHER name change form. They said it would be sent in a few days. So we waited and waited and by yesterday it still hadn't come. I finally called Tiffany and we agreed that it would be best if she cancelled her account and I called in to have a new account. When I got off the phone with her I called Comcast and explained to them the situation. So the lady I'm talking to asks who the account is under and I told her Tiffany. She asked my name and I told her and it turns out my name is on the account now. I figured that whoever Tiffany talked to last week just decided to change the names and not bother to inform either of us. It's almost laughable. I just don't get it, how can a company act so stupid! And I've heard complaints from quite a few other people I know. It just makes me wonder. I really hope I don't have to deal with this again.

Tonight I work from 5 to 10 and then Dustin and I are doing our movie and pizza night. I'm really glad D and I are friends and becoming close. I don't always agree with the life he lives... the fact that he has money problems but he goes out and drinks so much, for one. I don't like to see my friends do things like that. But there's also not much I can do. I'm happy that I got over Dustin, we never would have worked. He's too party for me and I want someone that's more out of that stage of life. Although the fact that he's so laid back is nice, I know I need someone laid back because I'm so.... not laid back, lol. But he is a good friend and I feel comfortable with him. We have a good time and can act silly and that's awesome.

I've been doing a lot of journaling in my written journal about the things I want in a man and the things I'm looking for in my life. I have to wonder... with all the things that have happened in my life, do I care for certain people because I feel they will protect me or because I have genuine feelings for them. I've been doing a lot of exploring, a lot of discovering. I want my life to calm down. I want to settle down.... go to work, go to classes, be with my friends. Have some fun, fall in love. I want all those things. But first I've got to figure these feelings out. And I think soon I will.

Anyway... lots to do before 5 today. So more soon!

12:36 PM

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

It's been a few days since I last wrote, obviously. I can't believe I had anything to write about this past weekend because I didn't do anything! I would basically sleep till it was time to get ready for work and then go to work. Kinda boring, hopefully this isn't what I have to look forward to this summer!

Monday night Mom came over to stay for the night. It was nice, now that we don't live under the same roof I feel like we can almost be friends rather than the mother that's constantly having to tell the daughter what to do. We had a few drinks, which is still weird for me because despite how "grown up" I sometimes feel I still sometimes feel like the goody goody teenager. So we had a few drinks, ate pizza, watched some tv, and did a lot of talking. It was nice to be able to bounce some things off her that have been really bothering me. I wish I could tell her about EVERYTHING that's happened to me but... I'm still not ready for either of my parents to know some things. Maybe if I could she would be able to give me even better advice on some other things. But for now that's how it has to be. We had lots of fun, though, and I really enjoyed having her here. I wish Dad and I got along better so I could say the same when I see him.

Yesterday night Amber, Shannon and I got together for dinner and a movie. We went to Don Pablo's where we weren't going to spend a lot of money but... yeah, that didn't happen. I had tacos and a raspberry daiquiri and ended up spending almost $17. Yeesh! Crazy, for sure. Afterwards we went back to Shannon's to watch Finding Neverland. The problem is that it's really hard to watch a tearjerker when we're all giggling and being silly. It was fun, though. We definitely have to do more girly things together.

Finally I had to race home because Rich was waiting for me. I was going to have him just chill out at my place but Emalyn decided to come home. Okay. It's not that I dislike Emalyn. Up until a few weeks ago she's been a really good roommate. But I still feel very uncomfortable and unsure of what to say to her. And generally when I feel uncomfortable like this I want to just ignore the problem. I know I can't because I don't want to have to deal with this all the time. I don't want either of us to feel uncomfortable here. But right now I'm just trying to figure out what to do. Therefore I will most likely act completely bitchy about the entire situation.

Anyway. Rich. Why oh why oh why can't we just be nice to each other? When I see him things are good. But then... he says things like, "I want you to have your own life." I do have my own life. I have work and my friends and... well, usually school except it's summer so not school right now. But he's PART of my life, therefore I do get upset when I don't get to see him. And yeah, I do have feelings for him. What they are I don't know right now. I'm trying to figure all that out. But I hate when he acts like he thinks that I've made him my entire life. If that were true I would have called Shannon and Amber and told them to buzz off. I'd quit my job and sit outside his window. I would have told Dustin tonight that we couldn't hang out because I had to go see Star Wards with Rich, a movie that, sorry Rich, I'm not even that into. But, it is true, I have feelings for him and, on top of that, I want things to be good between us, so yeah, I do want to see him. And if I tend to plan those things out it's only because I'm a planner. I do it without thinking and EVERYONE knows that. I plan absolutely EVERYTHING. So yeah. Rich, you're great and I adore you but YOU need to quit thinking so much about things. I do have my own life. And you're part of it. So deal with it.

Um... I do want to talk to him. But last night I was so tired when I got home and Emalyn was home so I just didn't want to bother. We curled up, watched Leno. He wasn't even planning on staying here but ended up crashing. Rich, I'm sorry my bed is so small! If you remember at all, I'm not the one that picked it out, my parents went behind my back when I was dead on the couch after having my boobs cut off. Rich doesn't like my bed because he can't sprawl out and his arms fall asleep. Bleh, believe me, I want a new bed. It'll come soon. Hopefully.

Of course we had sex. What can I say, I love sex. When it's with someone you want it to be with, there is nothing better in the world. And believe me, I've made enough mistakes to know what bad sex and forced sex feels like. We kissed... and just kissed. I'd love to spend more time just kissing him. Sometimes I forget what just kissing someone feels like. How good it can feel. And we went slower last night. Maybe broke a record, lol. I just... have thinking to do. Some figuring out. It's going to make me antsy and maybe moody. All these feelings I have lately are just swirling all over the place. I need to catch them and figure them out.

So here I am. I'm working for a whopping 3 hours tonight. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. Until then I'm going to eat lots of skittles. More soon!

10:41 AM

It Feels Like Home

Sunday, May 15, 2005

For You.

Feels Like Home
by Chantal Kreviazuk

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life in the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you only knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I'd never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

11:45 AM

Friday The 13th

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Yesterday, Friday the 13th, was not the world's greatest day for me. It started out with the whole Emalyn issue which was enough to really piss me off.

I woke up at 8 yesterday to get ready for the day. Headed to my geology final at 10. So I get to the ag. sci. building and to the room where our final should have been and the room is totally dark. I was absolutely confused, looked at the syllabus at least 4 times and couldn't figure out what was going on. This is the second time this week that I've been wrong about where or when a final is. I decided to go back and see if there was anything on the website about it. I was totally freaked out; I couldn't just miss a final!

After finding nothing on the website I finally e-mailed my prof. I hadn't been to class twice last week because of my strep throat so I explained that to him and asked if I was missing out on something. Meanwhile, I had a meeting with my org. comm. professor about my project.

That meeting went GREAT! Jeanne's awesome and instead of doing a presentation about my project in front of a class I just had to kind of talk it over with her. The meeting went well and she said she liked my project so hopefully I'll get a good grade on it.

When I got home there was an e-mail from my geology prof saying that the final time had changed from 10:15 to 7:45. Fantastic, thanks for putting it on the website. Everyone's been getting sick lately, you would think he would have e-mailed us or something. So I had to go back to campus and take my geology final in my prof's office. Fuuuuuuuuun. Or not.

I got all my books returned, which was also annoying because I had about a million of them, considering that my English class alone had 5 books. I guess I can't complain too much, at least we just rent the books rather than having to buy them. Why is it that other colleges haven't realized that's a better idea? Oh, that's right, they're money hungry. Sometimes I wonder what the point of college is, besides sucking people dry of their money.

I avoided Emalyn all day. I just felt REALLY uncomfortable around her. I felt uncomfortable in my own apartment, too, the place I am not calling home. That isn't fair. But I didn't want to talk to her yet, I was still too angry. I ended up going into work early because I couldn't stand to be in my apartment anymore.

Work went surprisingly well, considering the rest of my day kind of blew. I made really good tips, $60 in 4 hours. Not too shabby. My back and head started hurting by the end of my shift, though, I was glad to get out of there 15 minutes early.

When I got home there was a note from Emalyn saying she wouldn't be around too much for the next 3 weeks, until her summer class starts June 6th. She also apologized for waking me, saying she was too drunk to really remember what happened. I'm sorry but that just does not cut it. What, was she too drunk to remember her loud, obnoxious sex? Coming home drunk is one thing, but waking up your roommate with your loud moaning is a totally different story. We will be discussing this when she comes back, this is not something I want to have to deal with all summer. She's been going out A LOT and I don't want to have to be awake every night of the week, being forced to listen to her. We need to come to some kind of compromise.

Yeah so. Hopefully work will go well again tonight. Back to finishing up the 2nd Harry Potter movie. Gotta get all caught up to book 5 so I'm all ready when book 6 comes out on July 16th. Yes, I do realize I'm a dork. That's why y'all love me!

More soon!

12:46 PM

Obnoxious Roommate

Friday, May 13, 2005

So... well, yesterday would have been a good day. It started out, and I thought, ended that way.

I didn't wake up till 11 which felt SO nice. I had nowhere to be until it was time for Shannon and me to meet up that evening. So I lazed around, finished reading my book, watched some TV. It felt good.

I finally got myself all ready for the evening and headed to Woodbury to get an oil change for my car and then have dinner with Shannon. And did we ever have a good dinner! Salads, buffalo wings, strawberry daiquiris and apple chimicheesecake for dessert. Yummy! We chatted and giggled and acted like dorks. It was fun, she took my mind off all the things that have been on my mind lately.

Afterwards we went to Best Buy really quick and then finally I went to pick up my car. So FINALLY I've gotten an oil change, yay to that.

When I came home I got all cozied up in the other room. I lit candles and snuggled up to watch OC and ER. I love having nights like that, when I can just sit in a dark room with candles and watch my favorite shows. It may sound completely lazy but sometimes you just need something nice and easy like that. A good chill night.

I went to bed afterwards, figuring I'd get a good night's sleep before my busy day today. Boy was I wrong.

Emalyn wasn't home when I came home and I figured she was, as usual, at the bars. She's been going out A LOT lately but the last couple of nights she's gone she's stayed somewhere else, probably that guy's place. Which is fine with me because I was totally grossed out having to hear them have sex last week.

So I dozed off a little before midnight. And then around two I woke up. At first I couldn't figure out why I woke up but I sometimes wake up two or three times in a night so it wasn't that unusual. Until I realized it. Emalyn had come and and she must not have been as drunk as last week because she wasn't being completely loud and obnoxious when she came in. But then she and that guy decided sex would be a good idea. And I can't be pissed about them having sex in the room next to me because, hell, I've had sleepovers and we've had sex and it's been all good. But I at least try my best to keep quiet because... God, who wants to listen to that? That's GROSS. I don't want to know that someone's having to listen to me have sex! That's rude and embarrassing. But my dear roommate must not have any shame because they were going at it and not at all trying to be quiet. And I was pissed. Okay, fine, your finals are done. But have a little respect for those of us who aren't finished. And anyway, have some respect for you roommate who probably doesn't want to hear that shit. Not to mention I was embarrassed to have to be the one hearing everything. I didn't want to have to do something like pound on the wall and tell them to shut up. So I got up and went to the bathroom, hoping they'd hear the doors opening and closing and all that. But of course not. I went back to bed, hoping they're just be done. But no.

So fuck that. I got up, completely pissed, and knocked on her door, telling them that they needed to be quiet and that some people still have finals to deal with and don't need to listen to that. That shut them up.

But it this something I'm going to have to deal with all summer? And all next year? That's not fair. I try really hard to be a good roommate. If I have people over I try to be quiet, whether we're chillin in the other room or whether I'm having sex in my bedroom. Because I don't want anyone to have to feel uncomfortable. But obviously she doesn't care.

I dunno.

That's my rant.

Today I have my geology final, which I'll be leaving for soon. Then I have a meeting with my Org Comm prof. Afterwards I have to come back and then drive my car to campus to drop off my books. Finally I work from 5 to 10 tonight. And since I didn't get much sleep last night I'll probably be exhausted.

Thanks Emalyn.

More soon.

9:23 AM

Joy and Grief

Thursday, May 12, 2005

"You know what life is? Joy and grief, hand in hand. You cannot know true happiness unless you have experienced real sorrow."

So incredibly true. Hopefully this quote makes everyone think a little bit. I know I'll be doing a bit of thinking about it tonight.

Maybe the sun will shine tomorrow. Maybe it's time to experience some true happiness.

10:07 PM

Frustration

I used to be so scared of letting someone in
But it gets so lonely being on my own
No one to talk to and no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?

Hear me I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me

I'm restless and I'm wild
I fall, but I try
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I've fought
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?

Patience, they say, is a virtue. Well, if that's true then that's one virtue I do not have. I'm pushy, I'm impatient, I'm selfish... it all adds up to being not so good. I don't mean to be that way. When I was younger I didn't have a problem waiting my turn. Maybe that's the problem. I'm tired of waiting my turn.

I know I need to keep my cool and be chill. But it's REALLY hard when I have all these emotions churning inside me. I started to finally just spit it all out last night but... was stopped. It didn't feel good. This is a really dumb comparison but it's like you're having an orgasm and someone tells you to just stop right in the middle. How are you supposed to just STOP? I understand. You're busy. I get it, I really do. We all have our life stuff to deal with. And I'm really trying to be patient. But it's like I've been waiting years already. How do I keep waiting? It's hard. I wish you'd be more understanding. I know I need to be. How do we come to some kind of compromise? I'm tired of all this wasted time. My problem is I want to start making up for it RIGHT NOW. I'm not trying to cause any problems, I'm really not. We've had enough of those. I just want to make things right, finally. I just want you to understand that, okay?

It's frustrating. I know I've just got to wait. I just seem like a selfish bitch if I don't. Oh but it's hard when so many good things and realizations have hit me so hard.

Bleh.

I need to go.

3:38 PM

Getting Screwed Left and Right

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

You found me
When no one else was looking
You found me
How did you know just where I would be?
You broke through all my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
The good and the bad and the things in between
You found me

Soooooo I don't understand this. Last night I'm at work and Heath is a little sick. We all knew this so we all kinda tried to pick it up a bit. That's what we do. Meanwhile Hilary is being a total bitch. She'd seat me on the other side of the wall where I didn't have any tables and had no chance to even see that she sat me. Then she comes up to me way later to tell me I have a table, right when my food for three other tables is up. So I ask her to do a simple thing, "Hilary, can you please get drinks for me?" And she looks right at me and tells me no, despite the fact that she wasn't even fucking doing anything. And the funny thing is, when I was hostessing I did whatever she asked of me AND THEN SOME. I was beyond pissed off, she walks around that place like she's the Princess of Perkins. And who the hell wants to be Princess of Perkins anyway??? So she starts picking these fights with Heath and finally the idiot (Hilary) CALLS RANDY at home. Because THAT'S a really good idea, let's bug Randy at home so that he'll get really pissed off. Well she bitches to him and then hands the phone to Heath. Heath tried to explain what was going on and Randy finally got fed up. He told both of them to go home and he'd come in and take over Heath's shift. Keep in mind, Hilary was the other closing server BESIDES ME. So.... who's getting punished? I had to close alone with RANDY, who was pissed off that he even had to be there. And Hilary got to go home and have extra study time for finals. Yeah. Stupid bitch. See if I help her with anything again. I'm usually SO helpful when I can be, I roll extra silverware, I follow with food, I run drinks, I put together people's food, I make desserts and shakes... and this is how I'm thanked. I swear to God people can be so damn selfish and it just makes me angry.

So yeah.

Onto something else.

This is going to sound completely dorky but the season finale of Veronica Mars was on last night. I actually taped it because the entire season has been a "Who Killed Veronica's Best Friend" and I couldn't very well miss the last episode. So last night I watched it and it was pretty shocking. Funny that I actually CRIED over an hour long TV show, lol. Although I cried when Chandler proposed to Monica on friends so I guess that's just how I am. Anyway, at one point the "bad guy" had her locked in this old refrigerator and lit it on fire and I was just FREAKING out. How horrid of a way to die would that be??? So I started crying when I saw that and then when her dad almost died I started crying at that too. I know. I'm a dork. I can't help it. It was a GREAT season finale although... where's the show going to go from there? Hmm.

I'm having more problems with Tiffany and it's kind of funny the things I'm finding out. We're still having issues with Comcast changing the name on the bill from hers to mine. When we tried to do it back in March there was an outstanding bill and Comcast didn't tell me that so they wouldn't honor the name change. Well, a month later Tiffany wrote me a letter telling me that and explaining that she requested another name change form and that it would come to either her or me, so keep an eye out. Well, I had yet to see it so I figured she'd gotten it and just hadn't sent it to me. I get a call from her yesterday saying she was cutting off service because I wasn't doing anything to help the sitaution and all this BS. Um, excuse me, I've tried calling Comcast but they won't talk to me because it's not my name on the bill! So I called her back and explained that and she was all peaches and cream sweet about it. So today she calls me to tell me that Comcast will be sending me the form in a few days and I said that that was great. THEN she goes on to tell me how we'll take care of that AND THEN Emalyn and I need to pay all the bills she's paid since then. Okay... wait a minute. She's sent us two bills summing up to about $300 and she claims we owe her $300. Interesting. I told her that and then I get the whole peaches and cream BS again. So she tells me to print it out and SHE'LL look it over, like she doesn't believe me. Whatever. So I then tell Emalyn about this and she says that that's kind of funny, that she'd heard a thing or two about Tiffany. She, Tiffany's ex best friend goes to grad school with Emalyn. And I guess Tiffany and her new husband are super stingy and that this ex best friend was asked to be a bridesmaid but said no because she didn't aprrove of the marriage. It's just funny. I feel like Tiffany is trying to get money from me in whichever way she can. She still owes me $100 for a security deposit my parents paid to her and claims that she won't pay it back till the landlords have paid her back her security deposit. Well, I don't know if I believe that. How could they not have paid her back, we have GREAT landlords and I can't believe that with the wya Tiffany has pestered me about this Comcast issue that she hasn't pestered them. It's so frustrating. Don't try to get money from me that I don't owe you and give me back the damn money you owe me. How hard is that???

Holy cow. Okay, I need to go finish getting ready for my presentation and print out these bills that Emalyn and I have paid. So more soon!

10:14 AM

Halfway Through

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Well I finished up my org. comm. project. Now I just have to present it tomorrow. I am really not looking forward to doing the presentation. Generally I love giving speeches but... like I've said before, I'm really antsy. I just want to turn it in and have that be that. I know, I know, I need to get over myself. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do. Well screw that. I don't want to work at Perkins and I'm doing that anyway. So there!

Rich and I had a little talk last night. His family is going through some stuff but it sounds like things could get better. I really hope so. But because of this he realized some things and, I have to say, I'm glad he did. It felt good to hear him admit to some things that I almost wondered if he realized he did. After he called me last night I felt better, lol. I've been really stressed out over what to do about the fights Rich and I have been having lately. They really hurt my heart. And I really want to talk to him but at the same time I've been kind of scared to. I am hoping that through the realizations that Rich has made, and I am so proud of him, that maybe things will become a little less strained between us, too, and that we can communicate a little better. I hope he knows how much I absolutely adore him and want nothing but good things for him. And I hope that things just get brighter for him because he deserves it.

Sooooooooooooooooo I'm sitting here waiting till I can leave and go to work. I'm bored. Whatever. I have nothing else to say right now. I better make some money tonight!

My mommy's coming to stay with me this coming Monday. Yay to that!

Okay... this entry is bleh. More later!

4:17 PM

Lots Of Writing

Ugh. Two finals down, three to go. Well, two more tests and a presentation to go. And I practically run away when the test is over. I'm just sick of it. I am so sick of school, I can't stand it. For some reason it just does not seem worth it. I'm tired of having to wake up early, I'm tired of classes, I'm tired of lectures and tests and homework and stupid group projects. And I know most people are probably saying, "Oh it's just the end of the year blues." But... why do we put ourselves through this BS? It takes SO LONG when you could already be in the working world. I guess maybe I wish school was more about internships and less about classrooms. What, do you seriously think I'm going to remember anything I learned this semester? Because I promise you I haven't retained a thing. I crammed it all into my head for this week of tests and as soon as I walk out of that last lecture hall on Friday I plan on forgetting every single thing I learned. It just does not seem at all important.

Okay. So there's me complaining. I sound depressed, lol. Actually, I'm really doing okay aside from being so sick of school. I finally put a piece of my past behind me for good and it just feels great. I feel like I'm finally waking up from a bad dream and it's a new day and I can step out and be me. I'm sorry to anyone I pushed away or haven't treated well over the last... well, almost two years now. A lot of things just seemed fake. I look back sometimes and wonder why I can't just go back to being a kid, when I hadn't heard of words like rape and depression and suicide and all those bad nightmares that haunt me night after night and day after day. And I hate asking for help. I hate it more than anything in the whole wide world. I do not EVER want to appear weak to anyone. I want to have enough money to support myself, I want to be healthy because of my will to be that way, I want to get through my classes and work MYSELF.... I just hate thinking I need something or someone to lean on. Which is funny because I know I always say that I love my friends because I know they're there for me. But you have to know... part of me is biting my lips and digging my nails in the palms of my hands because I HATE saying "please help me." So it's been hard. The nightmares and the feelings of not being whole... the depression and the suicidal thoughts. It's been fucking hard as hell and I've hated every damn minute of it. It's the thing that makes me scream at my friends, makes me pull away, makes me say things I don't mean... makes that part of me so horrible. I know that saying I'm sorry doesn't really cut it. I'm not even sure if there's anything I can really do at this point. Things got screwed up. And they're getting better now. I just hope they're getting better in time.

My heart feels really full right now. And that both excites and scares me. I'm so excited for this summer because I really want it to be a summer in which I reunite with my friends. In my head I see drive in movies, chills nights, movie nights, drinking nights and game nights. I want girls weekends and weekends to my parents' house and ValleyFair. I want more nights at Leaning Tower with good drinks, good food, bad singing and great friends. I'm just excited to get to know my friends better, the people I've managed to really take for granted these last couple of years. At the same time I'm a little scared because I need to start admitting my feelings and that's very hard for me. While I hope by now that everyone knows how much I love and adore and appreciate them I want to be able to say that and actually SPEAKING the words is very hard for me. Please give me some time. I'm trying, I'm working really hard. But it will take time. It's as if I've had a disease for the last two years. It's going to take a little getting used to being better.

Wow lots of writing. I have a lot in me right now. It's too bad I'm feeling so tired. It's been a long day and I have another long one ahead of me tomorrow. I won't be able to breathe properly until my presentation for org. comm. is over on Wednesday. So basically I won't be a normal human being until 3:00 on Wednesday. Then I just have my geology final on Friday which should be cake.

Okay. Bed. More soon.

12:05 AM

Borderline

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Something in your eyes is makin' such a fool of me
When you hold me in your arms you love me till I just can't see
But then you let me down, when I look around, baby you just can't be found
Stop driving me away, I just wanna stay
There's something I just gotta say

Just try and understand, I've given all I can
'Cause you got the best of me

Borderline, feels like I'm going to lose my mind
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline

So I have to say, last night was SO much fun and I really, really needed it. I'm so stressed out about this situation that's come into my life, I'm tired because I haven't been sleeping well due to my throat being so dry at night, and I'm unsure due to, well, Rich. By the time Dustin called me last night to tell me he'd be swinging by my place soon I almost didn't want to go out. I felt so unhappy and all I wanted to do was sit and cry. I have so much I want to say and generally I am so good at talking and voicing my opinion. However, when it comes to this I just clam up. I can't get the words out and even if I do get WORDS out, they're the wrong words. I end up sounded stupid or mad or crazy or... something.

Anyway... so Dustin and I met up with James, Shannon, and Ryan at the Leaning Tower of Pizza in Minneapolis for JAMES' 21ST BIRTHDAY!!!! Yay to that, James is finally 21!

I have to say that I've only been to Leaning Tower twice but I really like that place. It's a great atmosphere, a really nice looking place, the staff is nice and the food is great. Yay to good drinking places!

When we got there we found out it was karaoke night. Now, I talk big talk about my love for karaoke but I've only ever done karaoke at YIG and YIG is kind of my haven. It's the one place I don't get nervous, the one place where I feel like I'm an equal with everyone else and if I'm being silly everyone else is probably being silly too. So I pretty much decided I probably wouldn't do karaoke at Leaning Tower.

Well... that was until I got a few drinks in me, lol. I started off with a Malibu and pineapple juice, which is about the most refreshing drink ever and they go down like water, lol. I drank that FAST and then it wqas two for one's so I got myself an amaretto (sp?) sour. I got that down fairly fast and by that point the pizza had arrived and so had Amber. Shannon and I each did a slippery nipple, which is SUCH a great shot (thanks for introducing me to it Shan) and then I got my second amaretto sour. By this point Shan and Ryan had been up to sing Ob-La-Di and then Amber went up to sing Footloose, which was absolutely hysterical.

We moved table because we'd been crushed into a little 4 person booth. Then us girls went up to sing Borderline by Madonna. That was way too much fun, I pretty much just pictured Rich in the front row and felt like I was singing my heart out to him. It felt good, lol. Afterwards we signed Dustin up to sing I'm Too Sexy. I got my next drink, a sex on the beach. Well, Dustin goes up to sing and it was HYSTERICAL. He was up there stripping and Amber and I go to stuff money in his pants. Oh my gosh I was laughing so hard I was almost crying! Way too funny! Finally Amber saying a song from Flashdance and Ryan went up to sing some songs. We were all just feeling karaoke and the karaoke dude was GREAT and so was the crowd.

James, meanwhile, is getting trashed. James, how much did you have? Lots of beer, a couple of Irish car bombs, then some girl bought him some shot that involved tequilla and that was it. That killed him. James ended up out on the sidewalk puking next to a tree. It was awesome, lol. James, I hope you had a great birthday even though you puked, lol.

So as all this is going on outside we're randomly runnng inside for my impromptu karaoke. Basically the karaoke guy was giving Ryan shots for every so he would sing, lol. Oh, and Ryan leid me. Sorry Shan. He was a good lei if it makes you feel any better! And Amber got up to sing These Boots Are Made For Walking which I HAD to sing with her because, hello, Nancy Sinatra in boots? Yes!

Oh man... it was a good night. I had a lot to drink.... one malibu and pineapple juice, two amaretto sours, a slippery nipple, and two... how would you say it, sexes on the beach? Sex on the beaches? The correct grammar says you make the first word plural (like brothers in law) but that doesn't sound right. Whatever. Lol, I had lots to drink. It was fun.

D and I had a good talk on the drive back. I had a talk with Paul earlier in the day too. However, it's probably too late. Rich probably already hates me and I'm never going to get a chance to say anything. It really hurts. And it bothers me. Why can I tell other people all these feelings that I have but when it comes to telling the one person that really matters... I get tongue tied. It sucks.

Anyway. So today is mother's day and I can't even get hold of my mom. How sad is that? I also have to work tonight, the first time in a week. Should be... fun?

So time for a shower. More later!

You keep sayin' you've got somethin' for me
Somethin' you call love, but confess
You've been a messin' where you shouldn't been a messin'
And now someone else is gettin' all your best

These boots are made for walkin'
And that's just what they'll do
One of the days these boots are gonna
Walk all over you

Are you ready boots?
START WALKIN'!

12:28 PM

Just be NICE

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Why do you do what you do to me baby
Shakin' my confidence, drivin' me crazy
You know if I could I'd do anything for you
Please don't ignore me 'cause you know I adore you

5:27 PM

I Hate Myself For Losing You

Thursday, May 05, 2005

What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?

How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back in the end?

I hate myself for losing you.

Not much to say right now. I've been sleeping in pretty late this week, maybe because of being sick.

I've been walking and running and being active a lot, too. I usually get that way right after I've been sick because I start to get cabin fever. That and the weather's getting nice and how can you not want to get out and be active when it's so pretty out. I made the mistake today of just wearing my black sandals. I didn't really feel like working out, just walking. But the CD I had with me made me want to push it. So I came home with black and dirty feet, lol. I felt like a kid again. I remember every night before I went to bed Mom had to wash my feet because they were just black from me running around barefoot all day. It felt good.

The above lyrics... well, I suppose they speak for themselves. They're from another of Kelly Clarkson's songs, I Hate Myself For Losing You. Um... I'm not going into how I feel about things today except to say that I feel regretful for the things that I have done and said over the past couple of years. And that with the strength I have been feeling over the last few days... I want to be given another chance. I know I'm kind of running out of them. But I don't feel like I am the same person I used to be. I was a scared little girl. Now I am a strong woman.

I'm going to go. I'm hungry for some fresh fruit and I need to get my room a little tidy. More soon.

1:47 PM

Despair

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Despair
Originally uploaded by Mishkin.

I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought about anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same thing

Because of you
Because of you
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you

Well I haven't written in awhile. I tried a couple of times yesterday but there just didn't seem to be much to say. I've been sick since Saturday night with what I found out was strep. I had to call into work Monday night which KILLED me because I missed out on tips. But it was nice to just stay at home and rest. I really needed it. I slept 12 hours Monday night. Today I'm feeling okay. My glands are still a little sore and my throat gets a little sore at night. I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll feel 100% better.

It's funny how much you let someone control your life when they're not even in your life anymore. Yesterday I bought Kelly Clarkson's new CD and the lyrics above are from a song called Because of You. When I heard the song I practically got shivers. For almost two years not I've let someone else control me. He haunted me and I was stupid enough to call him back into my life. I needed information but that information did nothing but wreck me more.

It is SO easy to blame someone else for your pain. Maybe that's how it started. He did hurt me. And it was his damn fault. But... I'm hurting myself by holding onto it. I have to just let go. He's not worth ruining my entire life over.

Um... so this week is the last full week of classes. Next week is finals and this is basically what my schedule looks like:

Monday
English Final at 7:45
Astronomy Final at 1:00

Tuesday
Stats Final at 10:15
Perkins 5 to Close

Wednesday
Org Comm Presentation at 1:00

Friday
Geology Final at 10:15
Bring Books Back After Final
Perkins 5 to 10

So... it won't be HORRIBLE. But I'm not exactly looking forward to it. I'm REALLY nervous about stats. Bleh, math. And I'm nervous about my org comm presentation, it's been awhile since I've given a speech. I do adore giving speeches but this one I'm pretty nervous about it because it's a speech on all this work that I've done for this project. So if I did the project wrong at all then my speech will be bad. Scary!

Eh... not too much else going on. I'm excited for Saturday and James' birthday. James, be prepared to be trashed.

Okay, gonna go for now. Later!

3:18 PM