I hate that I identify so well with that quote. I don't like having to admit that sometimes I am so fucked up that I spend three hours in my bedroom crying and freaking out my close friends. I know there are people in the world, so many people, that have it far worse than me. But in my little bubble I feel like I've got it bad... and no one truly understands.

I sabotage my relationships with people. I understand that I am very hard to get along with sometimes because I am just waiting for people to screw me over. I am so lucky to have a few friendships that I have so settled into that I don't have that fear with them. I thank God for people like Amber and Shannon who have been there through the hard time, been there through the bitchy times, been there through the mistake times... and are still there. But.... I ruin so many others. It's so much easier to just act like a bitch than to tell someone that you love them and you want them and you need them. You don't have to worry about them hurting you or leaving you or... telling you that you just aren't as important to them as they are to you. I've had a lot of people leave me. And I've pushed a lot of people away You could say I've become a pro at it. I don't want to do that anymore. But I don't know how to stop. Some people that I seem to be pushing away are the most important people in my life. And I don't know how to tell them that they're important. I don't know how to tell them I need them right now. Because I'm so scared that they will say that they don't care.

I have been working so hard at finding some sense of normalcy for myself. That doesn't mean that I want to be like everyone else... I've never been the type to want to blend in with the crowd. I like being loud and quirky and a bit of a dork. But I want to be my own normal. It's hard for me to find that. I thought I had put so many things behind me, that I was finally in safe waters and happy. I guess it's when you let down your defenses a little bit that you really get smacked in the face. Because that's what happened to me. For two seconds I thought that the darkest spot before the dawn was past me... that I was seeing a few rays of sunlight. Until I got smacked right in the face.

I do not want this to be my fucking reality! I am so goddamn sick and tired of feeling like this. I don't want to sit in a corner and cry, I don't want to have sleepless, helpless, terror filled nights, I DO NOT FUCKING WANT TO PUSH ANYONE ELSE AWAY. I don't want to be scared, I do not want to be weak, I do not want to be filled with the depression that I worked so hard to overcome. I don't want it. I'm so sick of it. For months I thought I was past it and then all this bullshit this week makes it all come rushing back and it fucking SUCKS.

More later. Or not.