It is a rainy day. I have been waiting for a rainy day because rain means that it will be green out soon and I so want it to be green out.

Rain makes me think of being clean. I don't really mind going outside today and getting hit with raindrops, driving in the rain, feeling the wetness in the air. I'm sure my new plants, Trixie and Coffee, are digging this weather. Yes, I name my plants.

I feel the need to strip off some layers. I feel the need to do it now. I've been waiting. I've been waiting for a lot of things. I will make this short and sweet. I need to confess.

I was raped. It will be two years ago this summer. He was a friend, someone I was casually dating. I should have known something was wrong because I never felt comfortable when I was fully alone with him. I always made sure there was someone somewhere that I could yell for if need be. I didn't realize why I was protecting myself until I night that Rich and I fought. I called this friend that I was seeing and he picked me up, taking me back to his place. I got drunk. And he took advantage of my vulnerability.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with what happened. I am still dealing with certain things that came as a result of my rape. I may not be able to conceive because of this. And I have a very hard time being vulnerable around people for fear that I will get hurt again.

I am working pretty hard to make myself stronger. I am working to let myself be vulnerable again. That, I think, is one of the most important things for me. Maybe some people don't think so much about WANTING to be vulnerable. But it has occurred to me that I have spent a lot of time shielding myself from everyone. I do not want to be emotionally vulnerable. However, I end up hurting my relationships by shielding myself. I do not trust. I do not let people in. And that hurts.

I'm ready now. I'm ready to live again and ready to be whole.

Ready to let people into my life.