Lately I have been feeling like I don't have a lot to say. I don't mean on this blog because, believe me, I could ramble on and on about things on here. What I mean is that sometimes I don't feel like I have a lot to say to certain people.

I have people come to me, people that I've had problems with, and they ask me to forgive and forget so that we can just be friends again. And I know if I were a bigger person I would just say okay, that's cool and let life go on. But that also makes me feel like a sucker.

I look at the way things have gone with Dustin and, believe me, I worry each day that I'm going to turn around and find out that he's talking about me again. Then again, there's not much for him to talk about anymore. I'm not sleeping with him nor do I have any kind of relationship like that with him anymore, so it's not like there's any soap opera there. And Leah and I are fairly okay with each other so it's not like if the two of them stay friends they can sit and talk about me. I pretty much just want to stay out of it, just be civil with everyone and have that be that. But... part of me still worries because I guess I don't trust him anymore. That really sucks because I don't like not trusting someone that I consider a friend. Like yesterday, for instance. Dustin and I went to Taco Bell in Hudson for food and then to St. Paul so he could stop at St. Paul College to get an application. He's leaving UWRF to go back to SPC. It was fun, we joked around and it felt the way things felt last summer when things were just chill with us (minus him crying over Alyssa and us spending every night together). Why can't things just be good like that again? I like having Dustin as my friend when he's not lying and being manipulative. He's a really fun person to hang out with and we really understand each other. I like having a good guy friend like him. But I don't know how I'm going to be able to trust him again. And that sucks.

Then there's Jenny. We've e-mailed a few times and right now I know I need to think of something to say back to her. But I'm not sure what to say. I don't in any way trust her and I'm not even sure if I want her as a friend. It's funny... there's a website where you can send yourself an e-mail a year into the future. Well, last year right before Jenny arrived I sent myself an e-mail telling myself how excited I was for Jenny to be coming and to look back over all the pictures I took of her trip and remember what a good time we had. And now... I think back to last year and it just sucks. I remember how horrible it was to have my dad KICK US OUT OF THE HOUSE, something that embarassed me SO MUCH. And Jenny blamed all of that on me. She blamed me for her bad trip, blamed me because I had changed. Of course I'd changed, the last time we saw each other I was 17! A lot has happened since I was that age. My feelings were so hurt last year. I know I was pretty messed up at that time too but the thing about friends is that they're supposed to understand those fucked up times. They're supposed to be there for you when everything is so fucked up that you feel like you just can't breathe anymore. And Jenny... wasn't. She ditched me and then treated me like one of her worst enemies. And even though she's apologized for it... how do I trust her? Why should I trust her? I want to know that I have friends that I can lean on when life's fucked up. Because I'd be there for them. How do I trust someone that ditched me when I needed her? Who didn't understand?

Okay... so that was a bit of a downer. Seriously, I'm not even in a down mood. It's SPRING and it's nice out and the sun is shining! Today is the first day of April, AKA April Fool's Day, and there isn't going to be anymore snow!!! Tonight I'm working for 5 hours and then it's back home to get some work done. I have to have my stats cheat sheet ready by Tuesday for my next stats test. I also have to have half of The Great Gatsby read by Tuesday and I want to get a chunk of my org. comm. project done and out of the way. PLUS I've got a geology test on Wednesday. It's a little stressful, hehe, but I can do it. Tomorrow I work from 1 to 8 and then a bunch of us are going bowling at Bud's Lanes. Yay for that, I haven't been bowling in forever and it should be lots of fun. Finally work on Sunday from 1 to 6 and then a little more homework. Should be a fairly chill weekend.

For right now, I'm starving. So time for a little lunch before I finish getting ready for work. More soon!