So I haven't written in a couple of days and that's pretty much because I've been semi busy and sick (on multiple levels). Yesterday's sick was a mental health issue. Hmm... that makes me sound seriously disturbed and I suppose when I finally broke down at Rich's I was kind of wondering in the back of my head if maybe I am having really bad issues again.

I won't go into details. And I'm sure not many people reading can relate to a loss of memory. It's a SCARY thing. Someone tells you something that happened and it's as if they're telling you a story about someone else. You don't remember it happening to you even though you know it did. Well, what's even scarier is when the memory comes back to you, especially if it's a bad memory. It's like.... it's like you fell asleep too close to the ocean and the tide comes in and suddenly you get hit by a huge wave. Water all around you, no idea which way is up or down or left or right, feeling dark and scared and unable to do anything but go numb. Well, Thursday night as I was falling asleep that wave hit me fast and hard. It shatters your soul. It was late and I was scared.

Dustin came over. I'm so glad Dustin and I have mended our bridges because I am finding that he is becoming one of the friends that I really lean on. And I think I'm the same for him. He held me and got me giggling. I am thankful for him because he can get my mind off things and onto the stupidest, most immature stuff. He makes me laugh. He was wasted and acting so hysterical that I couldn't help but laugh. It was good.

On Friday I had to go to Rich's to pick up a computer program that I need for one of my classes. I was feeling pretty messed up again, not wanting to go home. And I can only act normal for so long. Holding things in is never a good idea because you hold them in so long and suddenly they explode into what can only be described, as it so beautifully was in Mean Girls, as "word vomit." I tried to pick this ridiculous fight with Rich which only resulted in annoying him. Part of my problem with not wanting to tell Rich about certain things is that I worry that he will see me as weak. And I hate appearing weak to ANYONE. But especially Rich. However, Rich is also usually the first person I want to run to so that he will hold me and wipe away my tears and tell me everything will be okay. So it's like this fight back and forth in my head over what to do. Which generally results in me making an ass of myself. Anyway... so I broke down and I told him what was going on, which I should have done in the first place. Because then he did hold me and he did wipe away my tears and then he got me to smile. It's not that I don't trust him because I wouldn't want to go to him if I didn't. Like I said, it's an issue with me of appearing weak.

I left Rich's and came back home. Got myself ready for work which I really wasn't looking forward to because I still felt really terrible. But I went to work and it was a GOOD night. I got a couple of rushes but I think I handled it really well. No majors screw ups, not a single bad table, and I made some really good tips. I worked really hard and managed to forget how screwed up I was feeling and just... actually kind of had fun. Now that's the way I wish EVERY night went!

After work Dustin and I went out to Johnnie's for a beer with Bert and Bubba. They played darts and I was "the cute girl with the big boobs." I swear to God, I just need to get these things hacked off so people will call me "the cute girl with the cute ass." Ha! After Johnnie's we went to Boomer's and ran into Sarah, who seemed like a nice enough girl. We had another beer and a shot and then decided to head to Denny's. Dustin had to go back to the house for his checkbook so I went with him and we were going to meet Bert, Bubba, and Sarah at Bert's. So we get to Bert's and SOMEONE (not me, even though Dustin will claim it was) locked Dustin's keys in his car. Sooooo Bubba had to drive Dustin back to the house to get his extra set of keys. Dustin drove back (Bubba decided to get some sleep because he had to work early) and finally it was onward to Denny's.

So.... I liked Sarah. She's a little... psychotic, lol. She's one of those "OH MY GOD" girls. I guess I'm one of those sometimes, too, and I'm kind of realizing how annoying that is. But she's okay. We wolfed down food and finally headed back to Bert's and then dropped off Sarah at her car.

Well, we get back to D's around 4:30ish. And Dustin's going off about how he can't stand Sarah. I guess she wants to get into his pants or something but she's kinda psycho so he's not having it (good boy). Well, D and I get into bed (yes we slept in the same bed, he has a queen sized bed and, what, I can sleep in the same bed with my friends and not do anything. I've learned my lesson) and we're being all giggly, like the 5 year old's that we are. Well, Sarah texts Dustin to ask if she can crash at his place because her roommate supposedly locked her out. So D thinks this is hysterical and texts her back saying, "That's cool, Krysten and I will probably be asleep when you get here." Well, the next thing we know Sarah shows up. She comes barging into D's room and claims that her phone died. Which means she didn't get his text and I'm sure it was a HUGE surprise to see me cuddled up in his bed with him, lol. So he gets her a blanket and she goes to crash on one of the couches in the other room. And Dustin just laughed his ass off. Fantastic, another girl that hates me. First D's ex, Alyssa, because I was his rebound after her. Then Leah, because she knows I've slept with D and it probably scared we'll go back to each other. Not that she has claim on him but she thinks he does. And now Sarah. Man, if I end up dead I'd go question those three.

And so here I am today. I slept till 1:30 and then D woke up me because he had to be at work at 2. I was feeling like SHIT but I'm starting to feel a tad better. Hopefully the night will be okay.

Alrighty, gotta go finish getting ready for work. We have a 28 top coming in at 7 so I'm sure it'll be total chaos. I better not have any part of that table! More soon!

I am incredibly frustrated right now and am feeling fairly put out.

I write in this blog because I don't mind people reading about my life. However, I do mind when people create expectations of me and then make assumptions about who I am. THAT bugs me. My friends who know me in the "real world" know who I am and therefore have a little more room to "assume" things about me. However, it bothers me to know end when people online that have never even really met me start to think certain things about me.

I am not someone that likes to be pushed into certain situations and I like to move at my own speed. I have the close friends that I do because they understand this and because they understand me. I do not let people in that easily. I can be a bit of a hermit, sometimes I like to be a loner, and I'm not a fan of big crowds. While I do like meeting people I keep a very tight circle when it comes to people who really know ME. And anyone that tries to push into that circle when I'm not ready usually gets the shaft pretty fast.

To those of you who think you know me, I'd sit back and evaluate how much you really know about me. Because as of right now I can count about 5 or 6 people who could rightly say that they really know what I'm all about.

To those of you wanting to get into that little circle... I don't know what to tell you. It either happens or it doesn't. You either need to be patient or move the fuck on. Because I've changed myself for people before. And it really makes me feel like shit.

THIS is the BLOG of Krysten Gautreaux. You think you know... but you have absolutely NO idea.

Yesterday night ended up being so much fun! I left my place around 5ish to go to Perkins and check next week's schedule (11 frickin' hours, think you can spare them Randy?) and then to Shopko to pick up a few things. So I'm just heading to Shopko when Rich calls to ask if I want to come with him on this Volksport drive. Basically, he and some other Volkswagen enthusiasts were going to go for a drive around here and he wanted a passenger for the trip. When he first asked I wasn't sure if I wanted to go because I did have a little bit of homework that I was going to do. Well, needless to say he talked me into it and I'm really glad he did.

Hehe, I was the only girl there, which was kind of funny. It was FUNNY to see them all checking out each other's cars and what not. It was kinda like a dog show or something. Definitely not something I'm used to seeing.

The drive was lots of fun. We took some routes that I'm used to and then went some places that I have yet to explore. I do quite a bit of driving around here but I generally stick to the same couple of routes so it was fun to see some new places that I'll probably explore on my own soon.

Afterwards we went to Dick's in Hudson for drinks and $1 burgers. SO good, I really like Dick's $1 nights ($1 pizzas on Monday, $1 burgers on Tuesday). It was a little weird because Adam Momsen came too and I still feel pretty uncomfortable around him. I wish I didn't. It sucks because most of the time I don't want to go to Rich's apartment because of his roommates, because they make me feel uncomfortable. I don't want them to dislike me or think I'm just some silly little girl. That really bothers me. Anyway, so Dick's was fine and dandy and kinda funny when the bill was trying to be figured out.

Finally Rich and I headed back to River Falls and grabbed a few more beers at Coach's before turning in for the night. I really do need to get myself a bigger bed, it's so hard trying to sleep with two people in a little twin, especially when it's not even up against a wall.

He's so cute. Lol, I know I mention that all the time. I wish Rich believed me when I tell him tha I never say anything bad about him to anyone. When we get into fights I know it's just as much my fault as it is his. And then couple of people that I'm close enough with to call when I'm upset, Shannon and Amber, know that Rich is a good guy and know that if I do say anything bad about him when I'm upset it's because I'm upset. I wish he understood that I adore him and that I really, truly do think he's a great person. I guess in the past I haven't given him much of a reason to trust me. But I wish he knew that things have changed. And I think nothing but the best of him.

Anyway. So here I am. My feet are cold, lol.

Time to get SOMETHING done. More soon!

I'm bored... a survey.

GEOGRAPHY

How many states have you lived in? I've lived in three. Illinois, Minnesota and Wisconsin

Which state was/is your favorite? Definitely Minnesota. 2 more years and I will be moving back so LOOK OUT!

You have two weeks alone (ALONE!) any place in the world. Where would you go? Well if I could bring someone it'd be Italy. But alone? Probably Greece

What would you do? Lay in the sun, eat lots of food, go sightseeing

Where would you least like to live? Anywhere that is cold all year round

Why? Because I hate being cold!


HISTORY

How old were you when you first moved out of your parents’ home? Well the first time I was almost 19. Then I moved home for about a year and moved out again about a month before I was 21

Did you ever have to move back in? Yep, like I said. My second year of college

How old were you when you thought you were "in love" for the first time? Hehe, around 8 years old.

How old were you when you realized you hadn’t really been? Oh it was puppy love

How old were you when you really did fall in love? 19. And I screwed that up pretty well

What year did you get your first real job? 2000

How much was minimum wage? No idea, I know I was being paid over minimum wage, though

What year did you graduate from high school? 2002

What was the theme song to your Senior Prom? Um.... I think it was Casablanca? Everyone was supposed to dress in black, white, and/or red. Yeah, that didn't happen

“Jack and Diane” by John Mellencamp reminds you of: Lame-o River Falls

MATH

How many letters are in your name? (First, Middle, and Last separately.) 7-5-9

How many keys are on your keychain? Ummmmm.... 3

How many windows are in your home? Ummmm... 10

How many exterior doors are in your home? One

How many cars have you owned? One

How many states have you had driver’s licenses in? 2

How many e-mail addresses in your ‘primary’ e-mail account address book? Probably somewhere over 20

How many email accounts do you have? 4


ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

What is the last book you read? Just finished Twisted by Jeffrey Deaver

What are you currently reading? Darkness on the Edge of Town by J. Carson Black

What was the last movie you watched alone? Oh gosh.... Miss Congeniality

What was the last movie you watched with someone else? Mean Girls with Amber and Shannon

What (if any) one television do you watch religiously every day/week? Um... Veronica Mars

Soaps: ABC, NBC, or CBS? NBC baby, Days of Our Lives and Passions

What is your favorite musical? Moulin Rouge

Have you ever seen a live opera production? Nope and I don't plan on it

If so, which ones?

What is your favorite opera?

Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? I don't have one

Which ‘Friend’ would you say you are most like? Oh gosh... probably Rachel


GENERAL TRIVIA

How old are your parents? Ummmmm almost 52 and 45

Are you missing any digits? Nope

Do you wear glasses or contacts? Glasses... I OWN contacts but I don't wear them

Dressing up for an evening out - pants or skirt? Depends on where I'm going

What do you use more of: Tape, Staples or Paper Clips? Staples

Do you use paper towels or re-useable rags? Both

Do you prefer showers or baths? Baths... but I never have enough time to take one

Biggest Pet Peeve: People making a big deal about my chest

Favorite Commecial of all time: "You put the lime in the Coke, you nut."

Most embarrassing moment: Ummm.... slipping and falling at Perkins. Luckily we were closed

Prolife or Pro-choice: Pro-choice but I don't think I would get an abortion

What jewelry do you where every day: The necklace my parents got me from Mexico

Least favorite relative: I can't think of a least favorite

Something that most people don't know about you: Umm.... ???

Does any song make you cry: Yeah, I'm a sap so a lot of them do

If you had to choose between being beautiful, rich or smart which would you choose: Smart

A picture of Rich and me while on our trip in Illinois. Am I really that short??

And no, that is not all of Rich's hair, muah-ha-ha. There's a wreath behind him.

And yes, I do realize he is damn cute and no, you can't have him.

And yes, my hair does look super cute.

Hehe, more soon.






Just a couple of new things added to the blog.

First is a link for Jenny's blog. Jenny and I have exchanged e-mails and I suppose are trying to work at being friends. I don't know. We'll see.

I've also added a link to my brother's blog. Kinda interesting.

So yeah!

So here I am. It's been a hard week this week. I'm just not feeling classes. For years now I've gotten like this... you get to the end of the year and all you want to say is, "ENOUGH! GOD IF I HAVE TO GO TO ONE MORE CLASS, TAKE ONE MORE PAGE OF NOTES, WRITE ONE MORE PAPER, FILL IN ONE MORE BUBBLE SHEET... I SWEAR!" The summer bug bit me HARD this year and I want nothing more than for summer to begin. I just want to work and party it up, forget that I have another tough year of school coming up. And I'm looking forward to strengthening up some friendships and relationships. It'll be a good summer.

Yesterday was really hard for me. I had a pretty bad day at work. When I complained on Monday about work it was because of Betty, it had nothing to do with MY job. She was just being her usual abrasive, overreactive, tense self. However, last night was bad. I just had customers that... I don't know. Tips were bad and I got stiffed a few times. I know I shouldn't take it personal and I know I need to be tough. But it was my first night getting stiffed and it just hurt pretty bad. I am a perfectionist and I know that it is a curse. When I am at my job I want to be the BEST or it is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. And I HATE when others know that I am not at my best. It frustrates me. So least night was hard, I almost went home crying. I know I will toughen up. But last night was hard.

So when I got home I talked to Rich a little, which ALWAYS makes me feel better. And I didn't hear from him, "Well then job sucks sometimes Krysten, deal." That is what I expected to hear. So it was so good to get, "I'm sorry Krysten." And that was all. It was SO nice. So Rich was playing poker with his roommates and while I would have loved to go over there and get coddled, because that is what I needed, I wanted to let him have a boys night. I ended up going to Dustin's. We ordered Steve's Pizza and watched Garden State and acted silly, which is what I love about hanging out with Dustin. I'm glad he and I are friends and we can hang out and even have "sleepovers" and that's all it is but one friend being good and supportive for another friend. I can honestly say that my feelings for Dustin as anything more than a friend are gone. And I'm happier that way. I'm glad I have such a good friend in him.

Tomorrow night I am meeting up with Shannon and Amber at Shannon's for a little girls weekend, something I am SO excited for. I'm sure we'll just chill Friday night... watch movies, chit chat, and just be girls. Saturday we're going to IKEA and I'm really excited because I need some cute decorations for the apartment. Then Cosetta's Saturday night and finally MAROON 5! It'll be another really good, fun weekend. I have to thank Rich, Amber, and Shannon for being such good weekend buddies and for being so great to hang out with. A girl couldn't ask for better family.

Anyway... it is so time to go get myself the honey mustard chicken crunch salad that I have been craving. So more soon!

I guess I might as well post fall's schedule since I spent an hour and a half trying to figure it all out.

On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
9:05 to 10:00 ~ Business and Professional Communication
10:10 to 11:05 ~ Quantative Analysis (an econ class that will probably kill me)
11:15 to 12:10 ~ Physical Environment: Patterns and Systems (aka: Intro to Geography)

On Tuesdays and Thursdays
11:15 to 12:40 ~ Persuasion
2:30 to 3:55 ~ Intro to PR


I'm really excited about my Tuesdays and Thursdays. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, as usual for me, will just blow. Big surprise.

Which means that I will continue to work on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and the weekend. Or some variation of those.

I'm zonked. Worked kicked my ass tonight.

Night.

Okay so not much to write today. Rich and I leave tomorrow for Illinois and I doubt I'll be writing again until we get back. So... have a good weekend all! Stay safe!

Oh, and there is a new entry in the FATE GETS HEALTHY section. Enjoy!

Well I don't have too much to talk about on this rainy Tuesday morning but I do have to share the store of my first serving experience so I definitely though I needed to write.

First off, on Sunday night Rich came over to spend the night. I feel bad because I've been fairly sick with allergies lately and by the time he showed up I was all sleepy because of my allergy medicine. So Rich shows up and I'm just out of it and wanting to cuddle up and go to sleep. So Rich watched court TV and during the commercials he'd cuddle me a little bit. It was nice having him over even though I'm sure he wanted to DO something and not just sleep. In the morning I woke up and went to astronomy and then came back for a little more cuddle time with Rich *smile* I adore him. I just adore him.

Dustin and I went to work a little early yesterday to get something to eat before we started working. I found out I was serving by myself which was SO NICE to know because I really didn't want to waste another night of tips training when I felt like I didn't need to be training. I was slightly nervous at first but then again it's not like I've never served before... I generally take the counter when I'm hostessing and it's busy. The night went pretty well, I didn't have any complaints about food or about me as a server. For some reason with every waffle or pancake I delivered I forgot the syrup but as soon as I got out to the table I remembered so it wasn't a huge deal. I ended up making about $50 in tips which is GREAT for a Monday night because we're always slow on Mondays. That's about $10 an hour, much better than the $6.50 I was making as a hostess.

The best part is that I actually look forward to going to work... like, I'm actually excited for tomorrow when I can serve again. I love being able to interact with the customers more, I love that the time goes by faster, I love feeling like I'm actually getting a little exercise while I'm working. It's fantastic, so much better than hostessing!

Anyway... today is classes, tomorow classes and work, Thursday classes, seeing Elisa, and a movie with Dustin. On Friday after classes Rich and I leave for Illinois and I am SO excited! I feel like I have been looking forward to this for SO long and I just know it's going to be a good weekend *big smile* Yay to that!

So time to finish getting ready. More soon!

I am officially a shopaholic, lol. I made the ROUNDS yesterday and today, it was AWESOME! I have to say yesterday I had such a good time and I am in such a good mood and I have such new, cute clothes. I'm going to look adorable this spring and summer *smiles*

So yesterday around one I left here and ran to the bank to cash in all the change I've been saving up. I really haven't even been saving it for that long, I basically just saved it up from random tips and and change I get back because I have a bad habit of just breaking my paper money and never using my change for anything. So I go to the bank and find out I've got $94 saved up *smile* I was psyched! Then it was time for the mall.

I walked around the mall for seriously an hour without buying anything. I was really bummed! All the clothes out right now are SO skimpy and I'm not really a skimpy kinda girl. Plus I've been feeling kinda fat and ugly lately so it's hard to want to try on clothes, especially when you might have to get a bigger size than you're used to getting. Anyway, so I finally just told myself to go into Charlotte Russe and find 6 tops that I wouldn't normally try on. I ended up buying 7 tops! Holy crap! Four tank tops that I can layer and mix and match and 3 other tops, all of which I never would have normally tried on and all of which are super cute. I also got 30% off... I ended up spending about $40 there, how awesome is that? After that I ran to Vickie's and bought the CUTEST bra and pantie set... sadly the bra is a 36D but then again I usually have to buy a bigger bra size at Vickie's. It's SO cute thought so I was super psyched.

After the mall I ran to Woodbury and stopped at Barnes and Noble and bought two books and then to World Market to buy some champagne for Shannon's. I stopped at Caribou to get something cold for my throat because my throat is still really hurting. Finally it was onward to Shannon's.

We had such a good time last night! Shannon cooked a great dinner and made an equally good dessert and her new apartment is GREAT! Much bigger than the last one, I'm sure Franky loves all the new places to run around and explore. It was really good to see Angie and Erica again... I haven't seen Angie since we graduated high school and Erica I've seen a few times at Perkins but other than that I haven't really talked to her since probabl graduation either. We talked about Shan's wedding and picked out some styles we like for bridesmaid dresses. I'm really psyched for Shan's wedding, it's going to be awesome!

So yesterday I spent $130 or so and when I got home last night I realized I didn't get my uniform for serving! So this morning when I woke up I had to run to Hudson to get black pants, a white button up shirt, and black shoes. I have to say as much as I hate Wal-Mart they're pretty cheap. I got a shirt and shoes for under $20, which is totally amazing. Then I ran to Target for pants because the only pants that Wal-Mart had were WAY too big and super ugly. So I went to Target and got my pants, a little white purse for the wedding this next weekend, cough drops, and allergy medicine. Spent $40 there.

This weekend has cost me about $190. Holy shit, that is A TON of money. Granted I'm sick and needed the medicine and I needed the clothes I bought today for work. And I did get some great deals yesterday shopping. I just transferred $50 into my savings for summer rent so hopefully we won't get any psychotic bills or I'm in big trouble. I have probably just enough cash to give Rich for gas for driving to Illinois.... man I'm stressed. Money sucks!! But damn I'll look cute...

One more hours until I start serving! I still haven't really gotten nervous... the thing is, if I could just start serving by myself I would be totally cool. I don't know why I have to train. My problem is that I have to train with someone and having them watch me is going to make me nervous. I think that's why I never stick with anything... horseback riding, band, choir... I was always worried about whoever was "training" me seeing me mess up and thinking I'm an idiot. I don't know why I stuck with YIG except to say that we were all pretty much on our own and everyone made an idiot of themselves at one time or another. It's YIG, we're all pretty psychotic there anyway. I don't know... I just don't want to look stupid today. I know there's stuff about serving that I don't know just because I've never actually served a table all by myself, complete with carrying trays and all that stuff. But I'm sure everyone's like, "Oh Krysten will be awesome, she's been here for 9 months, she'd be stupid if she didn't know what she was doing." Yeah. I'm probably making too much of this, lol. I'm a loser.

Anyway, gotta put away the dishes and whatever. More soon!

Okay, I need to take a minute to rant about something. I am so tired of my boobs being some kind of conversation topic. They're BOOBS, first of all. They are not the Holy Grail, they don't have magical powers... they're not even that pretty. If I had a dollar for every time someone has made a comment about my boobs, an unwanted comment, I wouldn't have to work. It drives me crazy. I've never liked my chest. I started developing in 6th grade and by the time I got my reduction I was a 36DD. I was SO self conscious about them, I absolutely hated them. It was SO hard shopping at the mall and getting stares and cat calls. It doesn't make someone feel good. I don't like wondering if a guy is looking at me simply because I have a big chest. I'd much rather him look at me because I have gorgeous eyes, great lips, a pretty face... even a nice ass. What makes it worse is being at work, when everyone seems to have a comment about my boobs. Every girl gets cold and, pardon the term, nips out. But somehow because my boobs are bigger people feel the need to make comments about it. The cooks are continually making comments about me and now that Betty is back at work the nickname "Jugs" is sure to come back. It doesn't make me feel good. I'm a smart, nice girl and there are so many other things I would rather be known for than my boobs. I got my reduction because I hated them and sometimes I am still not comfortable with their size. If I could get another reduction... I probably would. Because I'm so tired of everyone making them out to be something their not. It's not that I'm even pissed off... but it's hard to know that people are talking about you and about the biggest thing that you are SO self conscious about. Maybe I shouldn't be so bothered about it but how can you not be bothered by something that people are constantly commenting about? It's not exactly easy to forget about it...

Anyway. So that's my rant.

I think I got asked out by one of our bussers last night. Lol. Oh my god. Okay... I really don't want to sound like a stuck up bitch right now. But this guy is SUCH a dork. And I usually love dorks but he's the kind of dork that just makes you want to smack him in the face. Anyway, so last night I was making a couple of malts for Meghan and Nick, AKA Slow Mo, comes up to me and asks me what my plans for the weekend are. I couldn't figure out what he was getting at so I told him... and thankfully, like almost every weekend these days, I'm busy. He was like, "Oh you shot me down, I was going to ask you to come hang out with my "crew" and me." I just walked away utterly confused. Wow.

Today should be a pretty good day. I'm leaving around 1 to head to Maplewood Mall to get some summer clothes shopping done. I also want a book or two for the drive to Illinois next weekend... I mean, I know I'll be with Rich in the car and I'm excited to spend so much time with him. But I get SO antsy during long car rides, I need a book to read too. Rich, I adore talking to you but I'm a bookworm at heart and the best time to read is during long car rides. Anyway... so I need to stop at Barnes and Noble and I also need to find some black pants and some cheap, white button up shirts for work. I've heard Wal-Mart's good for that and I HATE Wal-Mart but I'm a girl on a budget, so I'll have to deal. After shopping I have a bridesmaid meeting at Shan's new place and I'm super excited to see the new place and eat, what Shannon keeps saying, is gonna be some damn good food. Should be good times!

Tomorrow I start serving and I'm a little nervous. I just want to do really well because I talk a lot of talk around work and now I guess I'm going to have to do some walking. I really want to do well because I need to make some MAD tips this summer or I won't be able to afford to live here. I really am nervous. I've always been told I'm a people person and everyone at work thinks I'll make a good server but... I don't know, I worry anyway. I need to stop being such a worrier!

ANYWAY! So my head is STILL congested and my throat is still sore. I'm really worried because I don't seem to be getting any better. I've had allergies before and I'm not so sure that this is allergies. I know I should go to the doctor but this is me being stubborn and hoping it just goes away by itself. Bah.

Gotta run. More soon!

These lyrics speak to me... please take the time to read them...

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

"You will learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will, you'll have your heart broken and you'll break other's hearts. You'll fight with your best friend, and you'll cry because you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely and love like you've never been hurt because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back..."


I had a BAD night last night. I have no idea what was wrong with me but it was not good. At work was when it started. I got cotton mouth and then a sore throat and a headache and just felt like shit. I hate asking to go home early but I just felt horrible. I came back home and quickly typed up my org. comm. paper and then was barely able to crawl into bed. I made Dustin bring me orange juice.

I've been thinking lately about how I treat people. I feel pretty bad about certain things. I have a really hard time trusting people and forgiving people. I hold things against people FOREVER. Dustin and I still get into fights about things that happened forever ago and it's just really stupid. I don't like being that way but when I get myself alone and I start thinking about things I get so paranoid. I know I keep setting myself up for bad things to happen and if I think more positively things will be so much better...

Rich and I had a talk the other night and I guess he's irritated with me for not telling him my feelings. I didn't mean to hold anything back but I'm not use to being that open with someone. I want Rich and me to have that kind of relationship because he's someone that I want to be able to talk about everything with and feel okay about that. I respect him and adore him so much and can't say enough about how happy I am that he's in my life. I just wish I could tell him that! I don't know what it is that holds me back when I'm with him. Sometimes he makes me feel like he doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I know that's assuming things and I shouldn't assume. For two years I've been scared to be the way that I want to with him and maybe that fear is the only thing actually keeping me away. And making me continually treat him badly.

I also know I should just forgive Jenny. I don't know what is making me be so stubborn about the situation. I just... I just don't even know what to say about it anymore. I keep trying to figure out what I should say to her and there just isn't anything.

There are a lot of things that are stressing me out right now, certain things I don't feel like sharing with the entire internet. Maybe one day. I've always believed that if you've had something bad happen to you that you should share it with others to help them stay away from that same trouble. And maybe one day I will. That day is just not now.

I have classes soon. So more later.

Sleepy. It was a long, tiring, lack of sleep weekend. It's been like that a lot lately. I'm feeling really run down and I find myself constantly counting the days till the semester's over. Life just feels really hectic lately and I just want it to S L O W D O W N.

I have a lot to do this week for classes. Today after my morning stuff I have to write my org. comm. paper which is due tomorrow and not Thursday like I originally thought. After work tonight I have to write my cheat sheet for stats and study for the test that we have tomorrow. In between all this I sometimes have to get half of The Great Gatsby read. Tomorrow won't be as bad, just studying for my geology exam, but that's still stressful because those exams are really tough. Oh, and tomorrow I have to read the other half of The Great Gatsby. Yay. And Thursday I HAVE TO get my astronomy project done and knock out some of my org comm project.

I won't even talk about certain things that went on this weekend except to say that my name is being run through the mud a little bit more. I don't know when I became the girl that everyone likes to pick on but I'm getting tired of it. Go find someone else, it's getting damn old.

I find myself wanting and needing a change in my life. But in order to go about I have to drop down my defenses and allow someone into my life in a way that I haven't let him in before.

I'm tired. I need to get through this week.

Lately I have been feeling like I don't have a lot to say. I don't mean on this blog because, believe me, I could ramble on and on about things on here. What I mean is that sometimes I don't feel like I have a lot to say to certain people.

I have people come to me, people that I've had problems with, and they ask me to forgive and forget so that we can just be friends again. And I know if I were a bigger person I would just say okay, that's cool and let life go on. But that also makes me feel like a sucker.

I look at the way things have gone with Dustin and, believe me, I worry each day that I'm going to turn around and find out that he's talking about me again. Then again, there's not much for him to talk about anymore. I'm not sleeping with him nor do I have any kind of relationship like that with him anymore, so it's not like there's any soap opera there. And Leah and I are fairly okay with each other so it's not like if the two of them stay friends they can sit and talk about me. I pretty much just want to stay out of it, just be civil with everyone and have that be that. But... part of me still worries because I guess I don't trust him anymore. That really sucks because I don't like not trusting someone that I consider a friend. Like yesterday, for instance. Dustin and I went to Taco Bell in Hudson for food and then to St. Paul so he could stop at St. Paul College to get an application. He's leaving UWRF to go back to SPC. It was fun, we joked around and it felt the way things felt last summer when things were just chill with us (minus him crying over Alyssa and us spending every night together). Why can't things just be good like that again? I like having Dustin as my friend when he's not lying and being manipulative. He's a really fun person to hang out with and we really understand each other. I like having a good guy friend like him. But I don't know how I'm going to be able to trust him again. And that sucks.

Then there's Jenny. We've e-mailed a few times and right now I know I need to think of something to say back to her. But I'm not sure what to say. I don't in any way trust her and I'm not even sure if I want her as a friend. It's funny... there's a website where you can send yourself an e-mail a year into the future. Well, last year right before Jenny arrived I sent myself an e-mail telling myself how excited I was for Jenny to be coming and to look back over all the pictures I took of her trip and remember what a good time we had. And now... I think back to last year and it just sucks. I remember how horrible it was to have my dad KICK US OUT OF THE HOUSE, something that embarassed me SO MUCH. And Jenny blamed all of that on me. She blamed me for her bad trip, blamed me because I had changed. Of course I'd changed, the last time we saw each other I was 17! A lot has happened since I was that age. My feelings were so hurt last year. I know I was pretty messed up at that time too but the thing about friends is that they're supposed to understand those fucked up times. They're supposed to be there for you when everything is so fucked up that you feel like you just can't breathe anymore. And Jenny... wasn't. She ditched me and then treated me like one of her worst enemies. And even though she's apologized for it... how do I trust her? Why should I trust her? I want to know that I have friends that I can lean on when life's fucked up. Because I'd be there for them. How do I trust someone that ditched me when I needed her? Who didn't understand?

Okay... so that was a bit of a downer. Seriously, I'm not even in a down mood. It's SPRING and it's nice out and the sun is shining! Today is the first day of April, AKA April Fool's Day, and there isn't going to be anymore snow!!! Tonight I'm working for 5 hours and then it's back home to get some work done. I have to have my stats cheat sheet ready by Tuesday for my next stats test. I also have to have half of The Great Gatsby read by Tuesday and I want to get a chunk of my org. comm. project done and out of the way. PLUS I've got a geology test on Wednesday. It's a little stressful, hehe, but I can do it. Tomorrow I work from 1 to 8 and then a bunch of us are going bowling at Bud's Lanes. Yay for that, I haven't been bowling in forever and it should be lots of fun. Finally work on Sunday from 1 to 6 and then a little more homework. Should be a fairly chill weekend.

For right now, I'm starving. So time for a little lunch before I finish getting ready for work. More soon!