I know, I know, I'm a nerd. Can't help it. Y'all have 6 months more before you have to give me PRESENTS and take me out drinking hehe. Be ready!!!

Yesterday was a pretty not good day where my parents are concerned. I sent this e-mail to Aunt Robyn and Aunt Gayle and it pretty much sums up how I feel:


I am so frustrated right now and I don't even know who I'm supposed to
turn to anymore. I'm 21 years old and I feel like Mom and Dad are
still constantly trying to run my life. I go to see them for the
weekend and all I get are lectures about where I should work and how I
spend my money. Then today I get MORE lectures about work and money
in addition to them pretty much ordering me to take at least one class
this summer.

I'm so sick of it. Shouldn't I be the one to decide where I work?
Shouldn't I be the one to decide whether or not I want to take a class
this summer? I admit I got myself into these money issues and so I
decided that this summer it might be better for me to work 40 hours a
week and not take a class. Not to mention the fact that my classes
right now have me so stressed out and I don't know if I want to deal
with a class this summer.

However, I call them and I tell them this and they come back at me
talking about how I so obviously decided to start partying away this
semester and how now I've decided I messed up to I'm stressed because
of money and school because I haven't done anything. They sit there
and they act like they know everything about my life and everything
they know is BAD. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm such a horrible
person in their eyes and how I can't do anything right. Anytime I do
anything that I'm proud of, anything I've done on my own they come
back at me with ways that they think I could have done it better. I'm
so sick of it. I know they're helping me out a lot by paying rent or
me and paying for college but that doesn't give them the right to run
my life and it doesn't give them the right to act like everything they
say is right and everything I say is wrong. I just don't want them
in my life anymore. I'm so tired of being criticized by them. I'm so
tired of feeling like a failure in their eyes. That doesn't ever make
me want to work harder, it just makes me want to give up because I
don't ever feel as if anything I do will ever be good enough for them.
So why bother working at all?

I just don't know what to do. I want to run my life the way I think
will be best for me. I feel like I'm capable enough to be making
these decisions myself. But I'm scared that if I go that route and do
the things that they don't agree with that they'll pull away the money
that I need to continue forward with the life that I'm trying to have.
Maybe that sounds completely selfish. I almost wish they had been
the kind of parents to tell me that I better save up money myself to
get me through school. At least then I could feel like I can do
things my way and not have anyone looking over my shoulders telling me
I'm doing everything all wrong.


Right now this all pretty much stems from the fact that they want me to take at least one class this summer and, because I'm having money problems right now, I would rather just work my butt off and save up some money. I think that's the smart thing to do. But to them that means so much more time that they have to pay my rent and so they want me out of college as fast as possible, no matter how much that fucks me up in the meantime. My parents, as usual, are being really good about thinking about themselves and not realizing that there is another person involved in this. That or they just don't care. I'm just tired of them. They act like children and they should be the adults. Grr.

I'm putting my foot down this time. Let them be pissed at me. I'm tired of listening. Maybe now they'll realize I'm serious and I'm sick and tired of being treated like a 5 year old.

Jenny e-mailed me. She apologized, again, for a lot of things that happened last April and for things that happened after that. While I am thankful to have her apologize and I'm sure that it wasn't easy for her, I'm still not sure why and I'm still not sure what to do about it. I want to believe she misses our friendship and I want to believe she's being genuine. But something she said in the e-mail, about her not wanting there to be problems at Shan's wedding, bothers me. I would never, ever let the fact that Jenny and I aren't best of friends do anything to ruin Shannon's wedding, that's selfish and childish and just plain stupid. I'd like to think I'm adult enough to not cause a problem when it comes to something like that. I just don't know that I trust Jenny enough right now to want to try to be friends. I'm not ruling it out but I do need some time. I just don't want any drama in my life anymore. I'm tired of it. So I want to make sure that the people I have in my life aren't the kind of people that will bring drama in with them. Like I said, I just need some time to think right now.

Not much else is up right now. I have a really weird work week:

Wednesday: 3 to 8
Friday: 4 to 10
Saturday: 5 to 10
Sunday: 12 to 4

I'm really not thrilled with that schedule. I hate working till 10, I'm so used to working till 8 so it throws me off having to be there 2 hours later even if I do get to show up later too. The noon to 4 on Sunday is just weird and dumb but I have not had a 4 hour shift in FOREVER so that's kinda nice. I just hope that this isn't how my hours are always going to be because I really like my 2 to 8's Monday, Wednesday and Friday and then one day on the weekend.

Anyway... time for a nap before work. More soon!