I have been thinking a lot lately about trust. Last night Francis, one of my regulars at Perkins, and I had a discussion about trust and it just really got me to thinking.

I suppose you could say that around the same time I hit puberty I stopped trust people easily. When you're a child it's so easy to trust, you don't know about how people can hurt you and that not everyone out there is trustworthy. I found that out fairly early on. I've been really good at friend jumping and it started in 7th grade when the group of girls I was friends with stopped being my friends and started talking about me, badmouth me, not inviting me places anymore. It was childish and had to do with the fact that I was growing apart from them. When you're young you don't know how to handle something like that and rather than accept that it's just changes and it happens younger people will often grow cold or me.

After that I started to find it difficult to trust the rest of my friends. But slowly I found the Clique and even more slowly began to trust them.

My main issue for a long time was guys. It only takes one situation to seriously fuck a person up and that's kind of how it happened for me. For awhile I had an issue even being touched by another guy. And even with guys that tried to be good to me I found it impossibly to fully trust them.

These days... I'm pretty hurt. There are only a handful of people I can say I truly trust. Between the stuff that happened in my younger years, and stuff that I've been through with certain guys, added to things that have happened with Dustin and Leah... it's just hard. I realize with every person you meet things are different... but it's hard to remind yourself of that when you are starting a relationship with someone, any kind of relationship. I mean, I thought I could trust Dustin to the ends of the earth. He was my boy and we understood each other. But I've come to find that he is a people pleaser, which means that he will say one thing to your face, no matter what he really believes. That makes me really sad.

Thing is... I don't know. I feel badly about the way I've treated certain people. I didn't give out fair chances and that's really wrong. You meet someone who does nothing but look out for you and care for you and try the best that he can and all you can do is shove it in his face that it's not good enough, that no matter what he does he cannot get to the top of that ladder. It's a horrible thing to do to such a good person and why I did it I'm not really sure. I am realizing in this huge rush how wrong I have been for so long and it's kind of hurting me because I don't like the person I've been. I never, ever wanted to hurt anyone. I've just been really unfair.

Somehow I am being given a second chance to prove myself. And it's about time I stop fucking up. I want to live with my heart open and I don't want the people I love most to feel like I don't trust them. The past is in the past.