I am sitting here right now and I feel SO TIRED! I just worked 8 hours today, which may not seem like a lot for some but to those of us that are used to working 6 hours shifts, an 8 hour shift can be semi killer.

I ran to the bank today and ended up stopping at Kohl's and buying myself a new purse as well as a few cute little coffee wallhanging thingies. I splurged. My paycheck was $100 more than it has been lately, due to the fact that Randy's suddenly giving me hours and Teddy isn't around to cut the ones I do have. So I figured I deserved a little something.

Work today was semi psycho and then slow. I came in to chaos and Randy singing my praises but not really. He likes to tell me how great I am so that it'll push me to work harder when in reality he doesn't really care because Randy really doesn't care about anything. I'd rather not get a compliment at all than to get an empty compliment. Once it cleared out around 2 we got SUPER slow and kinda just stayed that way for the most part. Heath seems to finally be settling in and isn't acting so much like a bitch anymore although it's really annoying to have him hand me a to go order and then get bitched at when I take "Hon Mus Chick" to mean the chicken tender melt instead of the chicken strip dinner. Don't make me type in your to go orders if you're going to bitch at me when I don't know what you mean. Whatever, though. Francis came in, which was so funny because every time someone came to the counter to say hi to him (in a small town EVERYONE knows everyone else so when you go out to dinner you run into people you visit with) he'd introduce me as his stalking victim. It was pretty funny.

Tonight supposedly a bunch of us are going out to some bar by Christina's. Practically everyone is staying over there but I already said I'm not for a few reasons. A) I have to work at 1 tomorrow and I'd rather wake up at my own place to putz around and get ready for work. B) I don't feel comfortable drinking and then sleeping at someone's place when I don't really trust anyone there. I'm even starting to second guess going tonight. I kinda want to cut down on drinking a little plus I really need to start saving my money. Plus I just don't know if I feel like putting on a show. It's so weird. Around most of these people I feel the need to hide part of myself. I don't like that. I'm not like that. The only person in this town that I feel like I can be myself around is Dustin. And even with him I'm not so sure anymore.

Dustin. I adore him. He makes me laugh and feel young. He is the only one to ever understand why it's hard for me to let go of Rich, although now he seems to look down on it. We get along so well when he isn't playing me. But. But he does play me. And he can't apologize for anything. He drinks so much and can act like such an idiot sometimes. He's rarely ever serious. He is naive and he wants to stay in this small town forever. He's a good lover.... but he's not the best I've had. He doesn't know my body or completely what he can do with it, even though we've had sex quite a few times. He never took the time to learn, like I at least feel I tried to with him. He loves kids, which is wonderful, and he's a dog lover too. He can be so sensitive and it is so good to know that I can call him up crying and he'll be here to hold me in his arms and to just let me cry and to not have to say a word about it. But.... I don't trust him anymore. Because he played me way too much. Because I am that girl that he only wants around when no one else is knocking on his door.

Oh I have been doing a lot of thinking about trust and about love and about who to have close and who not to. I met Rich and I fell head over heels. I still worry about him, I still feel proud of him with the way work is going for him, still love talking to him. I still feel this need to call him when I need advice or when something awesome has happened to me. I love that I can have a serious conversation. I love when he giggles and gets loud when he's been drinking. I love his intelligence and the way he always asks how I'm doing and if I'm okay. I love that he reads my blog. He can be so damn stubborn at times and it drives me nuts that he won't let me make plans in advance. I hate how serious he can be and that he says I make him less emotional. I gotta say the sex is great, and I actually do have something to compare it to. He knows he can be rough, he knows what I like best. I love kissing him. Do I trust Rich? That is something that I think bothers him more than he lets on. He sure asks about it a lot. He has a right to. I never gave him much of a shot. He met me when I was such a broken girl. And.... it became a habit to not trust him. It wasn't his fault, he never did anything wrong. I really like Rich. Despite our fighting I have to say he has been there for the hard shit even though I've fought him tooth and nail. I think the answer to the question is something that he and I need to talk about. We have a lot to talk about. I don't think he trusts that anything has changed. We'll see.

Okay, I'm not going out tonight. I have a project to work on and I don't feel like being Fake Bar Krysten. Paul and I are talking and he thinks it seems like a better idea if I don't go. Paul's awesome so I'm going to take his advice.

I think it's funny that I'm walking around my apartment in a red tank top and a leopard print thong with all the blinds up, lol. Anyone could look in and see me. I really care A LOT, lol.

Anyway..... food time and then project time.