I do not take risks. I do not like risks, risks do not like me, we do not have a good relationship. I don't like to do things in which I could possibly get hurt, like rock climbing or rollerblading outside. I do not like putting myself out there for people to judge. I do care. I overcame my fear of public speaking only because I loved being chaplain at YIG and I felt safe in that environment. But I am not one to want to be popular or known.

Because of this fear, I have a hard time discussing my true feelings. I would rather live in my own fantasy world, pretending everything is okay even if it's not. I did it with Dustin CONSTANTLY. I can remember times that I would sleep over at his place and I'd go to kiss him. I could tell just by the way he kissed me back that it was forced. But I couldn't bring myself to ask him what was wrong. Because I knew he would tell me he just wanted to be my friend. I was more content just playing stupid, knowing that he would continue to keep his mouth shut for fear of hurting me.

The thing is, I'm sure I've missed out on a lot of good things by not taking risks. Twice now I've missed swimming with the dolphins, once in Mexico and once in Florida. I never bothered running for any position in YIG because I was too scared of losing, instead I opted for being appointed, which was fine... except that I never tried to stretch myself. I also never presented a bill, instead I always pretended like I was too busy. I regret those things so much. And two of them are things that I can never, ever do again. And that makes me sad.

I know there are things I need to say to certain people. My feelings have been hurt by some people, both people pretending to be my friends and people who are my friends who may not realize that they've hurt me. There is also someone who I believe I've hurt, maybe more than he's let on. I know I need to open my mouth. But I'm a little nervous about the outcome of talking to these people. With two of them, I'm sure I will end up being the focus of negativity from others afterwards. I'll look like the bitch for saying anything so I'm pretty much opting to keep my mouth shut. I keep saying I really don't care but I feel that these people should hear what I have to say. They should know that you can't just treat people the way they treated me.... people do have feelings, I have feelings. And these two people really hurt my feelings. As for my two friends, I know they don't mean to hurt me. And I'll be that if I say something they'll feel bad and we'll laugh about how silly we all were. But I still can't bring myself to say anything and I'm not even sure why. As for the last person... gosh, I know I need to open my mouth. I've got some apologies to make and I just feel like now is the time. But he makes me so damned tongue tied.

I know it's about time I start taking risks because I don't want to look back on this time with regret. I know it's about time I take that leap because I really don't want to miss out on the fall. I know I know I know... but I'm standing at the edge right now looking down and I just think I need a little push.

Will someone please just give me that little push? I promise I'll thank you in the end.

Maybe.