I am disgusted. I cannot believe that I am the bad guy in the end result of what went down last night. This town and it's people make me sick.

Last night shortly after I wrote my last entry I got a text message from Leah but from Ali's phone. It basically went off on me, calling me a bitch and how dare I call her a slut and that Dustin and Christina both said I did and that I'm a two faced lying bitch and all this shit. I was totally shocked. I tried to call Ali's phone but no one answered. I tried to call Dustin but he didn't answered. I called Leah's phone... no answer. I was shocked. Then angry. Christina and I last night went out for a smoke break (her smoking, me pretty much having to inhale second hand) and she asked what was up with Dustin and me and Leah (Christina and Leah are getting to be good friends). I told her that I was upset for getting screwed by Dustin all the time and that in bugged me that he was always bad mouthing Leah and then he slept with her the other night. Then I said I wished I could be more like Leah, the kind of girl that can have sex without feelings getting involved. I said the same thing to Dustin when he came over here tonight so that we could talk. He and I had this talk about whether or not we could be friends, which I'm also unsure about. We've been tight but I don't trust him and he's really hurt me. Anyway, so I get this text and realize that Christina took what I said totally out of context and Dustin took my agreeing with him when he was pissed at Leah as my saying that I think she's a slut. It sucks. I'm so sick of this bullshit, people at that restaurant are so hard up for gossip that they twist things around and I'm sick and tired of being the target. Yeah, Dustin and I fucked and yeah, I have feelings for him even now. Maybe I am a little jealous. But fuck that. He has Leah's back after two seconds and I've been there for him and I get tossed to the side. How's that for gratitude. He sat there last night and begged me to be his friend, told me to take time if I needed it, said he was sorry. And then he turns right around and starts badmouthing me. It's just absolutely disgusting. They all make me sick.

I ended up having a horrible night, feeling like shit and crying. I called Rich and left a message, asking him to call me. I talked to James, who told me to quit freaking out over small town naive hicks who have nothing better to do than make up gossip. I know he's right. But it's hard to not be hurt by the idea that someone you care about and TRUSTED could sit there and twist around your words. It's really hard.

Finally I fell asleep and sometime around 2 Rich called me. I cried to him and he told me that he meant what he said about me staying away from people like Leah and Dustin, staying close with the people like Amber and Shannon, people who truly care about me, don't twist around my words, don't lie to me. I know I know I know he's right.

I don't know why I so easily trusted Dustin except to say that when I met him he was broken, like I used to be, hurting over this girl that cheated on him and lied to him. I know what it feels like to be hurt by others, to feel so broken. I trusted him because how could someone hurting like that ever hurt someone else that way. And yet... when Rich came into my life I was so broken that the idea of trusting any man scared me. It's a lame excuse, I know, especially considering how head over heels I fell for him. But part of me just didn't want to believe that I could be happy with him. And it just snowballed. It became habit to not trust him and to fight with him. I never saw that with all of our fighting I was pushing him away, annoying him with my phone calls, not wanting to see me because it would inevitably lead to more annoying fighting.

I'm learning the hard way that I made some pretty stupid mistakes, that's for sure.

Today I didn't even want to go to work. But I need the money and I didn't want to let down Randy. He may annoy me most of the time but I just can't bring myself to call in sick when I'm not sick. I went in and Ali and Leah were there. For awhile I just avoided them and then gave that up. Doing that shit is annoying and only leads to making me look guilty. So I went up to both of them, told Leah that I was sorry if she'd heard wrong from Christina and Dustin but that I hadn't meant what I said in the context that she heard it. We ended up being cool, I suppose. When Christina came in I told her what I'd meant and she ended up apologizing. It's fine, it just sucks to have everyone believing something bad about me and not bothering to ask me my side.

Then Dustin comes in. I sat down to talk to him and he's sitting there pissed at me. Fuck that. Fuck Dustin and his stupid bullshit and making me feel like I've done anything wrong. He's the one that uses women and lies to people, makes up gossip. That's all. Fuck Dustin. And definitely not in the literal sense. Stupid prick.

All this drama is driving me crazy. This small town is just way too much. Next Sunday when I have my day off I'm going to go job hunting. I need to get away from these silly people and their gossip and drama. I want to surround myself with people who love and care about me, people who don't feel the need to knock me down to make themselves look better.

Tomorrow starts another week. I'm hoping to get some time to see Rich so we can talk. I get to see Shannon on Thursday for dinner. Other than that just school and work. Fuuuuun times. That's all for now, more soon!