I am sitting here right now in my SENIORS t-shirt and panties. Why? I don't know, it was hot when I went to bed last night and I didn't want to deal with PJ pants. However, now I'm kind of cold but just too lazy to go and put pants on. Plus I need to take a shower soon. Plus my head hurts. Plus I wish my damn period would get here so I don't have to deal with getting it at work because I know I'm going to forget tampons (I could put one in my purse right now but that would be too easy) and I know no one will have a spare for me and God forbid Perkins actually put tampons in the tampon machine. Yeah. Okay, enough gross girl stuff.

At this time tomorrow I will be almost ready to go to YIG. I'm going to stop at Perkins tomorrow to buy muffins, that way I'll actually have food to eat for breakfast. No I will not share, I want to have my stomach not growl at YIG this year. I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't want tomorrow to come. Because the faster tomorrow comes the faster this weekend will be over and the faster my end at YIG will be here. I'm not saying I won't continue to go back... but with me being too old to be an RA I feel like another YIG part of me is dying. It makes me feel sad and old and I wish I could rewind the clock and be a freshman in high school again, wondering why on earth I signed up for this stupid program and wishing I could back out. How did I get from that shy, nervous girl to this woman who is so obsessed with YIG she can barely stand to wait as time ticks closer and closer to Model Assembly? And why do I feel like it's going to hurt so bad when Sunday comes?

I have a REALLY hard time letting things go. I think because I tend to live in the past so much and so I remember what the good times used to be like. I remember all those crazy years at YIG and I don't want to step forward and not be able to make more memories. This is the same problem I have letting Rich go: I know he's turned into a total ass who cares about nothing and no one but work and himself. But I do remember the good, fun loving, sweet Rich that I met and that I wish to God would make an appearance. It's just like I remember back to Borders, the job I loved so much, and to Josh, who I never gave a fair chance and who I screwed up so badly with, and to times when my dad was my everything, so much so that I walked down to the train tracks every day to stand and wait for him to come home from work. Where did all that go and why is it that I am now 21, it is now 2005, and I feel like I took all that for granted. And how do I get any of that back?

I truly am trying to not be regretful. I do have a lot going for me. I have really good friends... some that I thought I lost. Amber, who has been there for EVERYTHING, is still my very best friend. We may not get all gushy with each other every 5 seconds, but we care about each other a lot and those unspoken words are enough for me. And Shannon, who I thought was gone... I hope she knows how happy I am to be trying again because I really did miss her. Not to mention old friends like James and Tim... newer ones like Kassi and Dustin and Ali and Leah. And so many others. I go to a great school that I really like and I live in an apartment that is so cute and nice that I'm calling it home after less than a year.

But I wish I could make everything right. I wish I could just stay the same at YIG forever. I wish I could have just one good, heartfelt talk with Rich because there's a lot I want to say to him. I wish I could go back to Borders, I miss that job SO MUCH that sometimes it actually makes me cry. And I wish that I could have another chance with Josh. I wish my dad and I could have just one conversation in which we do get mad at yell at each other.

It's so hard to have one eye looking forward and one eye looking backward. It's hard to feel so much at one time because that generally makes me feel so overwhelmed. I wish I could just make everything right and peaceful and whole.

I guess I will forever be a believer in second and third and fourth and fifth chances. And I don't think this world even sometimes believes in first chances.