I'm bored and it's been so long since I've had sex... or any kind of sexual pleasure... or even a damn KISS that I thought I should fill out this fun little sex survey and remind myself...

1- What's your age and sex? I'm 21 and female
2- What's your sexuality? (Hetero, bi, homo, bi-curious) Hetero
3- At what age did you lose your virginity? I was 19
4- How was your first time? It was good... lol, I don't know! I cried because it was emotional and then I turned into a sex crazed maniac and... here I am, lol.
5- How many sex partners have you had? (Be honest) I have had.... 3. Rich, Josh, and Dustin
6- Do you enjoy using toys and what kind? Vibrator baby... although mine is just gathering dust right now
7- Are you dominant or submissive in bed? I'm probably more submissive than dominant
8- Do you get turned on by watching pornos? No I think they're kinda dumb, actually
9- Have you ever had sex in front of people watching? Icky, no... that's supposed to be private
10- Have you ever filmed or photographed you and your partner? Nope
11- Have you ever had anal? Ugh, no, not my cup of tea
12- Do you enjoy "the golden shower"? I've never done it but I doubt I'd enjoy it.
13- What kind of food have you used during sex? Whipped cream and strawberry syrup
14- Do you have any kind of foot fetish? Lol, nope
15- Would you rather give or receive when it comes to oral? Depends on who the guy is. There is only one person who I really, really like giving to.
16- Do you enjoy humiliation during sex? Never done it but doesn't appeal to me.
17- Do you masturbate? How often? I do but I haven't in a few months now. Just been busy and going through life and... yeah
18- Do you enjoy pain during sex? I like to be pushed around and I like it rough... but not too much pain
19- Are you into "swinging"? No. Too jealous for that.
20- Have you ever had a threesome? Nope, I like it to be just my partner and me
21- Have you ever been in an orgy? No
22- Do you enjoy licking the anus of your partner? Yuck, definitely not
23- Do you role-play and tell what kind you have done? Nope.
24- Do you like talking dirty while having sex? A little... it doesn't really get me off
25- How often do you like to have sex to be completely satisfied? To keep me fully satisfied it'd have to be like a breakfast, lunch, dinner... and maybe a snack kinda deal, lol.
26- What is your favorite position? I like to sit in his lap, facing him. It feels the best
27- How long does sex usually last for you? I'm so lame.... I'm usually ready to be done before the guy is... I really need more stamina
28- How much foreplay do you engage in before having sex? Again, I'm kinda lame... I'm usually begging for sex after 5 minutes of foreplay
29- What is your favorite time of day to have sex? In the middle of the night
30- Do you like larger or smaller penises and what's your ideal size? Truly? Nothing too big... I've had really big and it HURTS! It's more how he uses it than how big it is
31- Do you prefer a hairy or shaved pubic region on your mate? Trimmed
32- What kind of birth control do you use? Pills
33- How often does your partner make you orgasm? Rich is awesome at the art of making me orgasm, lol. Josh... not as much. Dustin... lol, in the middle, lol
34- Have you ever faked an orgasm? Explain why? Every now and again with Josh when I just wasn't feeling it. Once with Rich, but it wasn't his fault. A few times with Dustin
35- What's the most amount of times you came during a sexual encounter? I don't really keep track
36- Have you ever been with a virgin? Nope and I'd prefer not to, I need a man that knows what he's doing
37- Name some strange places you have had sex? Hmmm... the closest in my folks' previous house... in Rich's old car... usually I'm just game for the bed or couch
38- Have you ever fallen asleep during sex or have had someone fall asleep on you? Never
39- Have you ever spent an entire day in bed making love to someone? No but it's definitely on my list of fantasies
40- What's the most amount of sex partners you have had in a week? Did they know about each ther? Never more than 1 guy in a week, although I played two of them for awhile. Stupid of me, I won't be doing that again
41- Have you ever cheated on someone? How did this happen? Nope
42-Has a man ever found your g-spot? *growl* not lately

Well just a quick little blurb before I head to classes. I'm not sure how much time I'll have to write this weekend, I'll either be doing homework (yes I'm being responsible and getting it done in the spare time that I have rather than waiting till the last minute), at work, or out on the town. It'll be a full house at the apartment this weekend too, what with Emalyn's boyfriend and a friend of his staying here plus the possibility of Shannon and Ryan staying on Saturday night. People everywhere!!

I'm in a really good mood today. I didn't really get to sleep till about midnight last night, what with my brain going a million miles an hour about everything from school to my social life to... just everything. I've been doing WAY too much thinking this week, I think I'm heading for brain burnout. However, I woke up this morning to the thought that the first week is nearly over and so far, so good. One day at a time, right? I get an extra hour to not work tonight, I'm in at 3 instead of two (which makes no sense, especially since Dustin's in at 4 instead of 5). In between classes and work I'm going to try to finish up The Iliad so I don't have to worry about it... man I just feel so accomplished this week, it's a good feeling.

I talked to Mom and Dad last night about rent and about gettng my computer back. It's been back at Toshiba for FOREVER and they claim I'll either get it today or tomorrow. Fingers crossed I'm here when it arrives because I don't want to have to drive somewhere to pick it up. It'll be nice to have my comp back, though, for several reasons, including the fact that they gave me a whole new motherboard so it's basically a brand new computer. Plus Emalyn's comp is SO slow and it drives me nuts, lol. Mom and Dad sound good... I need to find a buddy and take a trip up there when I get some time. I left my coat up there for Mom to sew, plus I'd like to see the house now that it's got furniture and isn't totally in chaos.

Oh things seem pretty good right now. I even talked to Amber yesterday and we're going to try to figure out a time when I can come see her place. I'll probably ask Shannon to come along, or maybe Leah or Lewann. I hate taking trips longer than an hour when I don't have someone else in the car with me, plus, the more people the better. Shan's my first choice, just because it's hard to tell what kind of people Leah and Lewann are. They talk about relationships, drinking... and other things so flippantly and... I don't know. I mean, the reason you have friends is to learn to accept people's differences however my morals with most of the people around here just don't seem to completely match up. I'm just not a party girl and I don't think I'm ever going to be. And, frankly, I'm happy with that. I do really like Leah and Lewann. They're fun to hang out with and chat with and all that good, girly stuff. But... I'm not sure if they're the girls I can count on to call up in a middle of the night because I'm upset over a boy or because I'm having one of my moments that I just need someone to talk to. And they're also the ones that break plans because a guy comes along... and who wants that from a girl friend?

EEP! Too much thinking, lol. I MUST STOP, the weekend is almost here and I want to just shut down my brain for awhile, hehe.

ANYWAY, it's almost time to head out the door. More soon!

Man oh man am I tired. I came home from classes yesterday just exhausted but when it was time to go to sleep I was wide awake! Go figure. It's good, though, I ended up calling Tim so we chatted and caught up. We were both running around so much over break that we didn't get that much time to talk to each other so we had A LOT of catching up to do.

But I am a little zonked today. Astronomy... I don't know what to say about that class, he's one of those profs that seems to know A LOT but has trouble staying on the subject and realizing that we don't know as much as he does. Ah well, it's kind of amusing anyway. Geology is good, though, I really like the prof AND we got to watch an SNL skit today so it's all good. Yay for classes. After I wrote yesterday, when I was totally freaked about my Tuesday/Thursday classes I sat down and kind of broke the things down that I need to do for each class. So now they don't look SO overwhelming. I just plan on making this semester awesome, I really just want to push my GPA through the roof.

I truly think I might have dyslexia. It would explain a lot. Although maybe I'm just freaking myself out, lol, which would also explain a lot. I just have to wonder if my mixing things up these days and the fact that my study habits are HORRID have something to do with possibly having dyslexia. That or I'm just getting more scatterbrained with age. Do these blog entries seem random? After I write them and think about them later I wonder if my thoughts are only clear to me, lol. I seem to have a really weird way of going about things. Ah well... makes me unique, right, with or without dyslexia.

I did some thinking about something Rich said to me on Monday. Frankly I'm glad someone put it out there because I've been sort of thinking things over myself but figured I was just being weird. Am I turning into a total townie here? I have yet to go to a house party, or even to the usual town hangouts, but I'm to the point where I hang out with so many people from town that I'm pretty sure it's inevitable. But I'm not really like most people from around here. I'll insert Leah as a perfect example. She drinks a lot, does pot, has sex with just about anyone... her morals are very different from mine, and while that's fine, because we come from diffent lifestyles and have been through different things... I just don't agree with some of that. My drinking habits have gotten a little more out there than I'd like, getting excited about going to the bar just to get trashed because... hell, everyone else is doing it. When did I start being THAT girl. In high school I was SO against what "everyone else was doing." I was very much my own person, emotional and all, and I didn't give a damn about doing something just to fit in. But around here... that's about all there is to do. But I'm not so sure I like that lifestyle. I don't have the money to drink, not to mention it's slowly putting weight on me and I'm REALLY not happy with that. Plus... I always said I trusted Dustin to look out for me, because he's generally there when I'm out somewhere drinking. But I do have to take into account the night he nearly made me walk home while I was totally trashed. Do I really want to put my wellbeing in the hands of someone that would do that? I go back to Rich, who kind of mentioned that, which is odd because it's not like he's been around me lately but, in usual Rich fashion, he completely saw right through me. I'm not saying he's completely right, nor am I saying that I'm believing anything he says just because of Rich and, at one time, I followed the "Rich Philosophy." But I have to say that even before speaking to him I did have that little voice in the back of my head. So I think I'm going to try to chill out a little. I said that one of the things I wanted to do was form tighter friendships with my old group, since they're the people I count on, they're my family, they're the ones I love and adore. So if we happen to go out, which not everyone can yet (damn you James for being younger!) then that's cool, because I trust them to look out for me and I would hope they trust me too. And I know we can do more than just go out and drink. I don't want to lose the friendships I'm starting to form with certain people, like Ali, Lewann, Leah, and Dustin. But I've always been the kind of person that takes awhile to trust and this shouldn't be any different. And if they think I'm a loser because I'm not the type to get trashed every weekend... well then obviously they're not cool enough to be my friends.

So there.

I'll take a jump off my soapbox now.

ANYWAY that's about all, I gotta go read half the Iliad so I'm ready for class tomorrow. Joy. Wish me luck!

Drama at work, first off. However... I kinda don't even care. Until I find a new job I've pretty much decided I'm at Perkins to make money, not to gossip or listen to gossip, not to get involved in drama. Especially when the drama involves me being left alone during dinner rush. Hmm.

Classes today were exhausting. I have 5 hours of class. My first class, The Heroic Figure in Literature, seems interesting although there will be A LOT of reading (I have to read half the Iliad by Thursday, eep). Problem is, half the reading I've already read, such as The Gret Gatsby and Barn Burning (UGH THE WORST STORY EVER). But the prof seems pretty cool so I'm sure it'll be a good class. Organizational Communication, my only 300 level this semester, is going to be A TON of work. I'm... really nervous. Like Mark Comm last semester I don't feel like I'm totally in my element yet. However, I did pass Mark Comm with a pretty decent grade so I'm sure that once we talk about the projects in more detail I'll feel a little better. And statistics. What can I say? The prof is Asian and his accent is SO THICK he's hard to understand. He seems like a really nice guy, though, and he gives good notes. I'm thinking that I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now, especially after yesterday being so easy. I'm going to try very hard to stick to my "stay positive" attitude and just take it one day at a time. I am going to try SO HARD to stick to my resolution to not skip classes unless I'm dying (and, like I told Randy and Dustin last night, even when I'm dying I may just go). Again, that's kind of a one day at a time type thing. But... even in YIG there were things I didn't want to do, like the first time I presented a bill to a committee. But you never get to do the fun stuff if you don't work for it first. So here I am, working my ass off. The cool thing about Org Comm is that the prof is going to help us figure out where we may possibly want to intern at, which is AWESOME. I have no idea at all where I want to go so this will be such a huge help. All I know is that I want to do PR. So... hopefully this semester will send me on my way towards moving on from the limbo I'm in right now. I definitely don't want to stay at Perkins forever, especially not RF Perkins. This class, hopefully, will be just what I need to jump start ME a little bit.

I went out to see Rich last night. We met up at Caribou. God I have not been that nervous in a really, really long time. Butterflies and heart in my throat and wanting to fiddle with everything. I kept having this image of him telling me to fuck off, right in front of everyone, and walking out. He kind of had a right to. Hell... part of me kind of even wondered what I was doing there. But Another resolution of mine is to make peace. I would LOVE to have Rich back in my life, truly I really would. And I hope he really listened to what I had to say and I hope maybe he can give us a chance to... I'm not even sure. Truthfully, I don't even know what I want out of us getting together last night. But... I do miss him. I don't miss the fighting or the waiting for him to call or the wondering what the hell is up with us. The on/off whatever it is we were always doing. But wow is it hard to lose someone that you have counted on time and time again. I know maybe some people will be mad at me for wanting to see what happens. But I never, ever want to be one of those people that looks back and wonders "what if?" I just know that seeing Rich last night gave me some kind of hope. I know it takes more than one night. But a little over two years ago I had things pretty perfect. And since then I've worked pretty hard to fuck up some of my best relationships. So now I know I need to work doubly hard to get those back. And just like my goals to go to EVERY SINGLE CLASS and to make no lower than a B this semester, I want to at least say I tried to get back the people I was once closest to.

Rich is right, I don't trust him. And... to tell the truth, I think I'd like to push him away because he knows me too well. That's a powerful thing. He looks at me and it's as if he can see straight through to my soul and that's more than a little "freaky."

I am still going over in my head the events of last night. And I think I will call him when I'm ready to talk more. Maybe that will be tomorrow. Maybe that will be in a month or more. But whenever it is, hopefully he will pick up and want to get together again.

La de da. Have I mentioned I have an awesome new roomie? I definitely do... I came home today, exhausted from classes, to find her total cleaning the tub and putting a new shower curtain up. We're going to try for some hang out time this weekend, which I'm excited for because Tiff and I were strictly just roommates, we never really hung out.

Life is coming together. My whole "plot" to live a YIG Life seems to be going well. I feel more positive than I have in awhile, I feel like I have more of a purpose.

I would continue but it's time for a Shopko run, then for me to cuddle up in bed and start The Iliad. More soon!

Well I really haven't felt that much like writing lately. Everything feels upside down and turned around and topsy turvy... the only time I like all that is when I'm on a rollercoaster and I'm definitely not on one of those right now.

The recap of my life? I called Rich. Dustin and I got into a fight AT WORK. I finally got someone to hold me for a little while (Dustin) because I REALLY needed to be held. My parents moved into their new hows and there was lots of drama. And so... here I am.

Yes, I know, I know, I know, I know I KNOW I said Rich and I wouldn't talk. But I hate that I can't get him out of my head, that anytime I smell is cologne I want to cry, that I keep looking back and regretting. I either need closure or something but... I don't think I can do any kind of moving forward till I figure things out, and I need his help to do that. We have no actually talked yet, we played phone tag and then I lost my courage so I'm trying to build that up. I know people will be disappointed with me for contacting him but I'm not doing this to please anyone, I'm doing this because I need to ease my mind. So... there *sticks out tongue*

Yeah Dustin and I got into this fight at work because we were giving each other attitude, which turned into him raising his voice and telling me to go home. It was kinda bad, really embarassing... yeah. But we made up after half an hour, which we almost always do. He came over that night and we went to Steve's Pizza and then came back here to watch Big Fish. And he held me for awhile, which was good and nice because I have been needing someone to make me feel like my feet are both on the ground. It wasn't anything sexual or whatnot, it was a friend holding another friend and it was good.

I helped my folks move into their new place over the last two days. Yesterday brought TONS of drama, with the water guy not showing up, the phone company not switching the phones, the movers being late, as well as all the snow. THEN on top of that the buyers of our old house were complaining and wanting MORE money and claimed if they didn't get it they wouldn't close. It was a bluff, though, and they ended up closing anyway. The house is crazy messy and out of sorts right now but it's a beautiful place nonetheless.

Sooooo yeah. I'm tired from having to get up at 7 the last two mornings. I have to work soon, from 2 to 8, and then I'm probably coming back here to relax. Classes start Monday... I kick it off with astronomy and geology. Joy, science classes 3 days a week. Could I be any more excited? Probably.

Okay, enough of this boring, complaining entry. More soon, hopefully something more exciting.

Well at least one good thing has happened this week.

Today at work I was SO nervous because I KNEW I had to confront Teddy about what's been going on at work. I hate confrontations like that, I either try to ignore the problem or I just flip out. However, I knew that doing either of those would be bad.

So Teddy came in at 5 and I immediately told him that I wanted to talk. So we went into the back office and I just came out with it. I asked him if the reason he was cutting me was because he didn't think I was working and he flat out said yes. Basically he said that one night he asked me to bus tables and when I went off to do it I muttered that it wasn't my job. Which it's not, it's either the busser's or server's job, but I do help out most of the time so the servers don't have to bus when we don't have a busser around. However, I hate being told to do it, like it's part of my job. He then said that 5 minutes later I left people waiting at the till. I don't even remember this but... I dunno. So I apologized and then said that it really bummed me out to have to hear that from other people rather than Teddy and he apologized for that.

Then he went on to say that it also pissed him off because of this incident that occured that actually turned out to be a total misunderstanding. A week or two ago Teddy called in asking for Dustin's number, wanting Dustin to work for him that night. Teddy sounded really bad so I texted Dustin, knowing he probably wouldn't answer. I told D that he should at least call Teddy back and maybe work for him because Teddy sounded like he was going through a rough time. When Teddy came in that night and said Dustin never answered I said that I had texted Dustin, but I must have made it sound like I was trying to be funny and told Dustin not to answer. Teddy was super pissed at me, even though in reality I was really trying to look out for him. SO he sent me home that night. Soooo, he apologized for that too. So... now we're square, I guess. I worked my entire shift tonight and Teddy actually let me stay an hour later, probably because he felt bad.

I feel SO much better. I need to start handling all my issues like this because then maybe my life would be more harmonious. Sometimes it's hard because I'm used to dealing with Rich, who never listened whether or not I was trying to be an adult. So... maybe I will try things out tomorrow with Dustin. That's a whole different issue.

As for tonight I am going to bed soon, I didn't sleep well last night so it's time to catch up. More soon!

Back from Illinois and... well, weirdness tonight. I promise I'll explain when the weirndess is done but right now I have unpacking to do. However, I thought I'd post the lyrics to this song. It's kind of how certain people make me feel. Not really my parents, although I'm pretty sure the song is about a parent pushing their kid too hard. It's more of... other people I've known or know. BUT NOT EVERYONE. So yeah...

Well, girls night is pretty much coming to an end. Leah and Lewann are asleep in the living room but other than that it's pretty much "time to get up and head out."

I have to say I was pretty annoyed last night. Ali ditched out, sending me a text saying, "I feel like ass so I'm not coming. Please don't drink my alcohol and if you do pay for it." Like, wtf? Why should we not drink it if you can't even bother to CALL or give a good reason why you're backing out at the last minute? Grr... that drives me NUTS, people that back out on plans at the last minute. Not only that but Erin just never showed up. And Sam wasn't going to come until Leah texted me and I got mad... so I think I scared Sam into coming, which I didn't want to do but seriously, I made these plans, like, a month ago!

However, the night was fun anyway. Sam and a friend of hers came for a bit and we sat around drinking, eating, and chatting. After they left it was just me, Leah, Lewann, and Amber. We seriously just sat around drinking and chatting and it was a lot of fun. I have to say I was a little worried when I invited Erin and Sam because I wasn't sure if they'd go and tell people about some of the stuff us girls talked about last night. Gossip city. So things ended up going well.

Some highlights were us trying to figure out Bryce's age. Leah texted him and he seriously went on for an hour, trying to understand what on earth we were trying to talk to him about. He even called her and went on about how he's not good looking and what not, it was pretty amusing and I'm sure he'll be embarrassed the next time he sees any of us at work.

Lowlight? Poor Dustin was sitting alone by himself at his place thinking of his mom. He texted me a few times and we tried to get him to come over but in the end he didn't. It's so odd when Dustin gets into moods like the one he was in last night because I'm so used to him being happy go lucky that I forget he has some sad stuff in his life too. Makes me want to just wrap my arms around him and protect him.

Lewann thinks I should apply at Perkins for the service leader position. As funny as it would be, and as much as I'd love to rub that in Teddy's face, I'm not sure I'd even be considered. I don't know, that and I'm not sure I want to stick around that corrupted place. I suppose we'll see how my "chat" with Teddy goes on Tuesday but... I'm definitely filling out those job applications.

I leave today around noon for Illinois to go out and see Tony and Tina's Wedding for Grandpa's 80th birthday. Should be fun although I'm STILL not sure what to wear! We'll be back on Monday and then I leave again on Thursday to go to Hayward with the family to help move into the new house. I'm going out with Ryan and Shannon (possibly) the Saturday I get back and... that will pretty much be the end of winter break. I'm kinda glad it's over, it's been long and dramatic and I think I need to get back to the daily grind. Although I'm sure after a week of it I'll want a vacation again. C'est la vie!

First off let me say:
HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY SHANNON!!!!!

Oh goodness me. Generally I like to say that I'm the kind of girl that isn't a big drinker and that I don't drink to get drunk. But last night was definitely an exception. Dustin and Bubba ended up coming out with me to help Shannon celebrate her power hour. We were nearly to Minneapolis when Shannon called to tell me that the bar we were going to wouldn't let her in. So after some confusion in which we could find each other, we ended up at the Leaning Tower of Pizza for drinks and... well, pizza. Shannon and I both did a good job of drinking... Dustin and Bubba decided that since I was a "Sally" on my birthday I had to drink a lot too. I ended up having two beers, a three wise men (HORRID shot) and a red bull with vodka. If I remember correctly (and I may not, lol) Shan had a three wise men, a jag, a cosmo, and a red bull with vodka. Holy crap girl, you did have a lot! It was lots of fun, good drinks and silly boys and lots of giggling. I cannot believe in that short amount of time I took an entire role of pictures!! I can't wait to see how they come out, hehe. After all that I'm hoping Shan got home okay. We made it to Woodbury when I couldn't hold my bladder anymore. Stopped at a gas station to get gas and for me to pee. I don't remember the rest of the drive home, only that I was praying to make it home before I had to throw up. I don't even remember how I got into the house. I'm hoping Dustin helped me and, knowing him, I'm sure he did. Next thing I know I'm losing all my dinner to the porcelin god. As disgusting as that may sound, I'm not sick today so if puking before I go to sleep is the way to escape a hangover then I'm all there.

So... no more drinking till tomorrow night, lol.

I'm more hurt and upset by work. Yesterday I was chatting with Benji, one of the cooks, who told me that Teddy walked by him on Monday saying that he was cutting me because I'm a slacker and don't get any work done. I was so infuriated, I do a hell of a lot of work at that place and anyone I've talked to has agreed with me. I was ranting about it all night at work. Then later I came back in to pay for my meal and Lewann was trying to talk me out of quitting. I told her there was no way, that Teddy's a total jerk, as is Randy, and I can't stand to work in a place AGAIN where the management sucks (sorry to Dustin and Candy who are cool). Lewann told me that the other night Teddy went back to watch me on the camera and that people were waiting at the till to be helped. That's absolute BS because I always make sure I'm in a place where I can see the till and the podium. Not to mention that a few weeks ago Teddy was telling me how much he liked the fact that I was always right at the podium or till to help people. So fuck you Teddy. Also not to mention that he's so busy taking smoke breaks every 5 minutes as well as two breaks a night... don't talk to me about now doing your goddamn job. UGH! I am so pissed off about this, does he not realize that I do have a live and I do have bills to pay and by cutting my fucking hours just because he doesn't like me he's creating a lot of trouble in my life?

I've decided I'm going job hunting today, whenever I can get my ass in gear. I can't handle Perkins anymore, it's unprofessional, gossipy, and certain people there act like fucking pricks. I shouldn't have to take that at my JOB, especially the job where I'm only make $6.50 an hour. Absolutely bullshit. So, sorry Lewann, I'm done.

Okay so that's my rant and I feel a little better now, althought I won't feel 100% better till I quit that damn job and tell Teddy off. Fuck him and fuck Randy for letting Teddy kiss his ass all the damn time. They can both rot in hell for all I care.

So... that being said I'm going back to bed, lol. More soon!

Well I have to say I'm pretty disappointed with work these days. It's hard to only be working 12 hours this week and then get cut two and a half hours early last night. I'm angry and upset that Randy won't give me more hours and that Teddy thinks he can just cut me and run the show by himself. I don't know if they don't realize that I do have things that need to be paid for and I did apply at Perkins to HAVE A JOB. I was going to talk to Randy on Thursday about being a server but now I wonder if it's even worth it. I think it's time to go job hunting again. I HATE job hunting but I also hate how unhappy this job is making me, between the lack of hours, the gossip, and the unprofessionalism. It just isn't a good place to work and I don't want to be there anymore.

On a good note, I had a great time tonight with Amber and Shannon. I also got my YIG pics developed which, for the most part, turned out pretty cute. As for dinner, that was lots of fun. Lots of giggling and being silly and all that good girl stuff. After DP's we went to Target which was even sillier. I ended up spending too much (bought two DVD's) but it was fun. On our way back to our cars we decided that Shannon needs to go out for her Power Hour tomorrow night. That is correct, she's turning 21 baby! So we're going out tomorrow and I'm super excited because I won't get to see Shannon at girls night on Friday. So this will kinda make up for it. Yayness!

Saturday through Monday I'll be in Illinois for Grandpa's 80th birthday. We're going out on Sunday to see Tony and Tina's Wedding and I'm super psyched for that because Amber said it was super good. Then next Thursday through Saturday I'm going with the folks and Ryan to help move into the new house. How weird is that?? I haven't even actually seen the inside of the house yet so I'm excited to finally get to see where they'll be living.

Anyway... I have lotsa TV to watch, hehe, so I better get to it! More soon... oh, and a little quote:

Wait a minute sally
I think I've got something in my teeth
Could you get it out for me
That's fucking teamwork

Last night I came home feeling like I was starving to death. I had to really keep myself from kicking my folks out of my apartment even though they were helping me hang stuff on the walls. I ordered a pizza and sat down to watch The OC but by 9:30 was fast asleep. I woke up with morning (at 9:30... that's a lot of sleep) to a sense of sadness and the realization that I have to wait another whole year to go to my favorite place.

I have a YIG hangover.

What a weekend... it was so bittersweet and crazy... and made me feel so old. But I'm back home again, sitting at this computer, thinking, WOULD NEXT JANUARY PLEASE GET HERE FAST!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I guess I'll start with the bad. No matter how much I love this program there are always a few cons to going. I met this guy Patrick, from South Carolina, and he didn't have a group to be in to teach the 9th graders. Being that it's YIG and I adore all the RA's in the program, I offered to let him be in a group with Nichole and me. Big mistake. He took over out group and the only thing Nichole and I got to do was be paper pushers and (a whole one time) clerks. Yesterday right before he left I pulled him aside for a second and explain that working in a group means that you have to work together and, while I know he's from another state, this is Minnesota and you need to teach these kids the way we run things in MN. You can't say "This bill has failed" you said "This bill does not pass." And when someone says, "I reserve my right to make a statement" you don't say "That is your right" you say "So noted." I didn't talk to him long nor did I shake his hand when he left. I kind of hope he doesn't come back because I don't think he knows anything about teamwork and, in my opinion, that's part of what YIG is all about.

The other con is, sadly, Nichole. I was SO excited to see her and to get to spend the whole weekend with her. However, it's hard to be around someone who doesn't have their whole heart into the program. We all have outside lives and outside dramas and it's hard to put some of that stuff on hold for 4 days. But we all VOLUNTEERED to be there and if you don't like it then leave. It was just hard for me to hear someone complain all weekend and then, on Sunday, when I make one negative comment I'm told by the person that has been negative all weekend that she wants a positive weekend and isn't going to get involved with the drama. *sigh* I think that this weekend has showed me that Nichole and I have very little in common. I still think she's great, at times but... I dunno.

Okay.... the weekend did have TONS of good points. The 8th graders were AWESOME this year and I have a good feeling I'll be seeing a lot of them in appointed and elected positions very soon. I met some really cool people as well as got to know Mel and Werm a little better (although maybe getting to know Werm a little better isn't a good thing). We got totally bitched at on Friday night for dress code violations and what not but Saturday night was AWESOME. The meeting was hysterical and involved comments about small penises, someone sucking on a pretzel (and he was really good at it), and a strip off, among other things. I didn't get much sleep but that's okay.... I really feel like it was a good year and I met some good people and that's what YIG is supposed to be about.

Every year after YIG I want to take what I've learned from the program and apply it to my life. I walk away wanting to continue to be a confident leader, someone people look up to... I don't want to get involved in gossip and I want to tell someone straight up if they're bugging me. I really hope that I can start sticking to my guns. I want to be YIG Krysten, hehe.

Well... I need a shower and to start getting ready to go back to real life.

More soon!

OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!!!!!

Today is the day, today is the FIRST DAY OF YIG! In no less than 35 minutes Dustin will be here to pick me up and we will be on our way to Minneapolis. I didn't feel nervous until... well, until about the time I was in the shower this morning. I didn't sleep well last night, not sure if it was from excitement or my boy issues (probably a little of both). I woke up with a headache thinking omfg you have got to be kidding me, a headache on the first day of YIG? My headache isn't supposed to come till the LAST day, after a weekend of no sleep, no food, and total hyperness and excitement and drama! However, once I hit the shower I felt better and that's when my heart started racing, my hands started shaking.... it's like a 4 day speech in front of a ton of people... that always gives me a total adrenaline (sp?) rush. EEEP I AM SO PSYCHED!!!!!!!

So here I sit.... with the whole weekend before me and the hope that it will be just as fun, exciting, and crazy as every other year at YIG. I have, as usual, overpacked my clothing and, as usual, underpacked my food. I can't believe how nervous and hyper I am, although I know I get this way every year right before I head to the hotel. I know that by the time we pull up in front of the Doubletree my heart will be in my throat, my hands shaking like CRAZY.... it is the best feeling in the world and gives me such a natural high! EEEEEEP!

I have to say that, just like last year, YIG is coming at the time I need it most. I have had a hard couple of weeks, especially because of Rich, and I so badly need to get away and surround myself with people who are just absolutely awesome, with a program I care more about than almost (notice I said ALMOST) everything else in my life. I could start to cry here although I think I may have already used up my alloted (alotted? allotted?) tears for the week. I just cannot wait to get to YIG, it will be just the pick me up I need, especially since James and Nichole will be right there with me.

Anyway... it is not half an hour till Dustin picks me up. I wish I had my phone (speaking of which, I need to pack my charger... I knew I forgot something!) so I could call and make sure he's awake. I gave him my phone last night so that if Rich called I wouldn't have to deal with it... and so that I could keep myself from calling or texting him. I'm done... he makes me sick... and I'm not going to go on about what a terrible person he is because everyone already knows that. I hope he did call, though, just so Dustin would answer and piss him off. He deserves it. Anyway, so Dustin better be up or he's going to get an earful from me, lol. I do owe him, though, and am very thankful to have him drive me all the way to Minneapolis. He's awesome!

Okay... 25 minutes! Time to go and try to relax for a little bit! I'm sure on Sunday I will have a million stories and well as a few tears to share. MORE SOON (hopefully not too soon though)!

I am sitting here right now in my SENIORS t-shirt and panties. Why? I don't know, it was hot when I went to bed last night and I didn't want to deal with PJ pants. However, now I'm kind of cold but just too lazy to go and put pants on. Plus I need to take a shower soon. Plus my head hurts. Plus I wish my damn period would get here so I don't have to deal with getting it at work because I know I'm going to forget tampons (I could put one in my purse right now but that would be too easy) and I know no one will have a spare for me and God forbid Perkins actually put tampons in the tampon machine. Yeah. Okay, enough gross girl stuff.

At this time tomorrow I will be almost ready to go to YIG. I'm going to stop at Perkins tomorrow to buy muffins, that way I'll actually have food to eat for breakfast. No I will not share, I want to have my stomach not growl at YIG this year. I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't want tomorrow to come. Because the faster tomorrow comes the faster this weekend will be over and the faster my end at YIG will be here. I'm not saying I won't continue to go back... but with me being too old to be an RA I feel like another YIG part of me is dying. It makes me feel sad and old and I wish I could rewind the clock and be a freshman in high school again, wondering why on earth I signed up for this stupid program and wishing I could back out. How did I get from that shy, nervous girl to this woman who is so obsessed with YIG she can barely stand to wait as time ticks closer and closer to Model Assembly? And why do I feel like it's going to hurt so bad when Sunday comes?

I have a REALLY hard time letting things go. I think because I tend to live in the past so much and so I remember what the good times used to be like. I remember all those crazy years at YIG and I don't want to step forward and not be able to make more memories. This is the same problem I have letting Rich go: I know he's turned into a total ass who cares about nothing and no one but work and himself. But I do remember the good, fun loving, sweet Rich that I met and that I wish to God would make an appearance. It's just like I remember back to Borders, the job I loved so much, and to Josh, who I never gave a fair chance and who I screwed up so badly with, and to times when my dad was my everything, so much so that I walked down to the train tracks every day to stand and wait for him to come home from work. Where did all that go and why is it that I am now 21, it is now 2005, and I feel like I took all that for granted. And how do I get any of that back?

I truly am trying to not be regretful. I do have a lot going for me. I have really good friends... some that I thought I lost. Amber, who has been there for EVERYTHING, is still my very best friend. We may not get all gushy with each other every 5 seconds, but we care about each other a lot and those unspoken words are enough for me. And Shannon, who I thought was gone... I hope she knows how happy I am to be trying again because I really did miss her. Not to mention old friends like James and Tim... newer ones like Kassi and Dustin and Ali and Leah. And so many others. I go to a great school that I really like and I live in an apartment that is so cute and nice that I'm calling it home after less than a year.

But I wish I could make everything right. I wish I could just stay the same at YIG forever. I wish I could have just one good, heartfelt talk with Rich because there's a lot I want to say to him. I wish I could go back to Borders, I miss that job SO MUCH that sometimes it actually makes me cry. And I wish that I could have another chance with Josh. I wish my dad and I could have just one conversation in which we do get mad at yell at each other.

It's so hard to have one eye looking forward and one eye looking backward. It's hard to feel so much at one time because that generally makes me feel so overwhelmed. I wish I could just make everything right and peaceful and whole.

I guess I will forever be a believer in second and third and fourth and fifth chances. And I don't think this world even sometimes believes in first chances.

It is now the 4th day of 2005 and I have yet to really figure out where I want this year to go. However, first a little recap on 2004...


Best albums I bought this year:
Switchfoot, Beautiful Letdown: This CD just make me want to crank up my stereo really loud and shout. I adore it, I have to say, and think that I may be slightly in love with every single band member. Is that so wrong?

The OC Soundtrack Volume 1: I love this CD. It's a great driving CD when you just want to feel calm, cool, and collected. It's got such great and groovy songs and I now find myself wanted to buy the CDs of every artist on the album.

Gavin Degraw, Chariot: He has such a beautiful voice and such totally beautiful songs. I wonder if he's single because, if so, HE'S MINE. Yet another CD that I've practically worn out by playing so many times, hehe.


Best movie I saw this year:
Hm... I'm trying to think of movies that I even saw this year. Harry Potter, of course, is always a favorite of mine. I definitely like National Treasure, it made me think of DaVinci Code. Fahrenheit 911 was amazing and definitely made me think a little more about how dirty politics have become and what kind of a man we have running this country right now.

Best book I read this year:
Oh my gosh, I have read SO MANY good ones this year. The Shopaholic Series is HYSTERICAL and does a good job of making me feel a little less bad when I blow some money on a cute new outfit. I adore the book Why Girls Are Weird by Pamela Ribon, especially because it involves blogs (yay!). DaVinci Code, of course, is an obsession of mine (especially considering I nearly freaked out when they came out with the book that included pictures of all the art in it) and We Need To Talk About Kevin was totally disturbing but very well written.


Best kiss I received this year:
I think I may omit this category. I received a few good ones this year but they came with a lot of attached strings, such as hurting myself and hurting others.


Motto for 2005:
I think my motto for 2005 is something I'm going to steal from Sarah Brown and that is "Don't Let No One Get You Down." In 2004 I spent way too much time trying to please other people, people that didn't even deserve my time. This year it's all about being happy with myself and not letting any interfere with that.


Goals for 2005:
These are pretty important this year. I want to get Rich out of my head once and for all... he doesn't deserve a spot there or in my heart. I want to spent more time with my friends. I know I can't always do that in person but at least on the telephone or even writing letters. I'd like to go see my grandparents this summer, maybe bring a friend there with me. And I just want to be happy with myself and the person that I am. Not to mention I'd like to try to maintain at least a 3.0 and start saving some money.

I deleted last night's entry because it was annoying and I apologized to someone that doesn't deserve an apology. And I would go into who it is and why that person doesn't deserve it but I don't even want to waste energy typing about this person. So it's done and over. It's 2005 and it's time to leave the bits and pieces of the past years that were evil, cruel, heartless and wrong behind me.

YIG is coming REALLY fast but I still haven't worked up to my YIG butterflies yet. It never fails that I start to get them despite the fact that YIG is now like riding a bike: you never forget how to do it even if you do sometimes fall off for really silly reasons. I always get nervous with thoughts of how the weekend will go: who will I meet for the first time, who will I see again, will there be the usual blips and the usual craziness? Will this year surpass all the other years or will I be bummed that it just didn't add up? So I'm sure that by the time I'm in my hotel room getting ready for the first meeting I will have those usual, almost comforting butterflies. Believe me, I'm ready for them. I already have my suitcase out and half my clothing packed. It's definitely time for YIG.

I don't have much else to say. I work at 2 today and then Dustin and I are going out to TGIFridays after I'm done working. I need to be around him, he makes me feel goofy and upbeat. He would have made a hell of a YIG boy, lol. Part of me is still really sad that Dustin is again pulling the "Just Friends" card on me. It sucks that I feel like I've found this great guy and he won't even give me a chance. Not to mention he's going after someone else and it sucks that I feel so jealous. Eh.

Okay... time to go eat food. More soon.