Dustin doesn't want to be with me.

Just typing that really hurts. I'm not even sure what to say. He's says that he never did and I guess thought I knew that. He claims that us having sex was... I don't know, just sex. I don't know why. He likes this other girl. And it really hurts. I'm really angry with him. He says I don't have a right to be. He says I lead myself on. He says, "I just don't have those feelings for you." Well he sure put on a good act, he sure fooled me. He cuddles me and claims it's because I asked but he does enough of the grabbing himself. He never had to have sex with me, he made the decision all by himself. He claims it's because he didn't want to hurt me by saying no. Well it hurts more now because I feel used. I know he was trying to spare my feelings but I feel even worse now. It's like, he and Alyssa broke up and I was there for him. I was his shoulder to cry on, I listened to him bitch about her, I was there so he wouldn't have to feel alone. And then he made me feel like I had some kind of chance with him. Until Leah came along. Then suddenly it was "see ya Krysten." So fine. It hurt me SO MUCH. But I backed off and forced myself to get over him. Then Leah didn't work out and Rich treated me like shit. I called him up because I needed a shoulder to cry on, not because I wanted sex. We were cuddled up in my bed ... I felt COMFORTED. The few times I woke up that night his hands were the ones wandering. And when I want to be with someone... I'm so weak to their come ons. Yeah I did have sex with him. But I truly thought that there was no way he'd mess with me unless he had feelings for me. He knew how much Rich had hurt me. He knew how much HE had hurt me before. And so I let down my defenses and I let myself trust him. And now this. And it hurts. And all he can do is say that I get hysterical and this is all my fault and how dare I be mad at him. I trusted him. I trusted that he wouldn't hurt me. And... he has. He has in a really bad way. I was just starting to get over Rich and I had all these hopes that I had finally found this great, wonderful, decent guy in Dustin. I thought maybe just once I could have the guy I wanted, the guy I actually deserve to have. And he makes me feel like I don't deserve him, like I'm not good enough.

My permission card today says to see the humor. Despite myself I guess I did at work today. I went in feeling horrible; not only does my heart hurt so badly but Dad came over and just treated me bad. So I went into work with puffy eyes. I don't even know if I hid it. I'm sure people will be talking and I'm sure Dustin will think that I was talking about him. It's pretty much calling me a liar because I told him I wasn't going to go talk smack about him at work, neither one of us needs that drama (although I do love how he jumps around with Perkins girls. I remember my friend Adam used to be the Sheehan Hall Slut at Winona because he seemed to girl jump... well Dustin seems like the Perkins Slut). Anyway.... things got worse because Leah went home sick and another server probably wouldn't show. Randy cut the floor early and then when we got a mini rush and I told him we should probably go back to a 4 or 5 chart. He got all pissed at me and told me to stop spazzing or I could go home. Like, what the fuck, I was just telling him we needed another server. God fuck off Randy.

So it was a bad day. But... I have to say that as much as the drama really bugs me... I usually end up feeling pretty okay when I leave. I showed up feeling horrible. But Silas cracked a few jokes and got me to smile. Then Dennis came in and got me to laugh. And tonight turned out okay. This new little hostess.... I think she spells her name Corinne? She comes waltzing in at 4:30 wearing this short little nothing skirt and these "fuck me" boots. None of us could believe it. I guess a lot of people have been complaining about how she dresses. Just totally nuts. So Teddy pulled her aside and told her to go home and change. Eep. I ended up staying an hour past the time I was scheduled and I felt better. We were all joking around. I can't say I hurt any less. But my life... it's such a soap opera. I have to laugh at it sometimes. I guess I need to see the humor in my life because if I didn't I would be so depressed. And the people at work, psychotic as they are, gossipy as they are... they really help to put a little humor in my life.

Nada else is going on. I'm going to dye my hair, probably give myself a facial and a pedicure. Yeah. I'm such a girl.

More soon.

Oh... and I'm meeting with Shannon Monday night. We'll see.