The other day I ordered something called "Permission Cards" from Transitions Bookplace. They're super cool, basically you pull one out and it gives you persmission to do something that sometimes you get too busy to do. I want to use one each day to kind of help myself to find a better peace in my life.

So for today: Today I Give Myself Permission To... TAKE THE NEXT STEP!!

How did I take the next step? Well to me I did this by biting my tongue. I really wanted to e-mail John and go off on him today. I think my problem is I always want to get the last word, I want revenge, I want to hurt someone as much as they hurt me. I believe this is the same reason I want so badly for Rich to call so I can answer and just scream at him for hurting me.

However, I held back on both accounts. I didn't e-mail John. He can go ahead and do what he wants but I'm not going to keep up and play his game because I know most of the reason he's doing it is just to rile me up. He's manipulative and I sometimes fall into that too easily, get angry too easily. As for Rich, there are so many times when I wanted to pick up the phone, e-mail him... even just put his SN on my buddy list just to see what he's doing. But... I don't really want to know. I am never going to heal if I continue to wonder about Rich and keep him in my life.

So I am, in a way, taking the next step. I am letting go of the past. And not just ex-boyfriends. I am letting go a past hurt and hardship and hopefully in place of that I am pulling towards me the happiness that I have from having good friends around, the love that they give me and the love that I give them. I am taking the next step towards finding a better happiness for myself. It's really hard. I'm used to feeling angry and to holding onto that anger. But that doesn't make me a happier person. So I don't want that anymore.

Goodnight. Tomorrow is another day.