I am so sad right now. I feel like I'm not being given a chance at all. I know I'm not a very easy person to get along with right now. Scary thing is, I feel like I'm easier to get along with than I used to be.

I've stopped talking to Rich. He made me waste my time for two years. He used to be such a different person. When we first met he was fun, he was goofy, he was so much more carefree. He didn't care so much about work or what other people thought of him. He hurt me so badly. He got some girl on his cell texting me these horrible things about how he just used me, how he hates me, how he can't stand the person I am. He should have apologized but he is so busy wanting to be right and true that he will never back down. He will never admit to being wrong. He is 25 and all he wants to do is work and party. He claims he understands what it is like to be hurt, to think that the person you are in love with is The One. But he has no heart. He has no compassion. He proved to me that I am right in not trusting people, especially men. He proved to me that men are only after one thing, sex, and that they will ruin relationships with people to get just that. He has called me so many horrible things and then turns around and claims to care. He claims to be compassionate, to understand my hurt. He doesn't know anything. He is nothing but a fake.

Shannon wants... well, I don't know what she wants. I don't know if she's trying to create good karma for herself or to make herself look good or if she actually feels bad about losing a friendship. I don't trust her. I used to consider her one of my very best friends. I used to think we could be straight with each other, that we understood each other, that I didn't have to hide myself from her. And then one night she turned on me. She claims that it had been going on for a long time but she never bothered to be a real friend and speak up, rather she blew up at me. I feel like she does things to save face, to make herself look good in front of others. I just don't know what us getting together again means. I don't understand what she is trying to prove with this. If she genuinely feels bad, if she really wants to try to work something out... great. But I'm so tired of getting played with by people. If she wants karma then she needs to find it somewhere else. I would love to work things out, but not simply because she feel like she has loose strings to tie up.

Dustin. I think he has hurt me the most, whether or not he intended to. He has been the closest person I am come to trust in a really long time. I kept telling myself, "He would NOT hurt you, he is not that kind of person." and "Krysten, he has been there for you, he knows what would hurt you and he wouldn't dare, he said he wouldn't." He is shifting everything to look like my fault. He's accusing me of lying. All he wants to do is come out still looking like Mr. Nice Guy. And that is so much of why I liked him so much. I thought, "Here is a guy that doesn't let the bullshit influence him." But had has. Unlike Rich, who is too busy thinking he is too much a man to admit to his immaturities, Dustin is too busy being immature and silly. And I will admit, that is part of what draws me to him. Until something important needs to be discussed. And then he runs away. He accuses me of breaking promises and he can't even be man enough to aplogize when he finds out he's in the wrong. He's so busy saving face, trying to look good in front of people who will gossip either way... that he is willing to risk friendships.


I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm far from it. But I am so tired of being treated like I am the fucking devil and I deserve to be treated like shit. I'm tired of people not being straight with me, of people playing games with me, of people not taking responsibility. But why the hell should I apologize for anything when it seems like I'm being asked to apologize for everything? It takes two and I shouldn't have to take responsibility for every little thing that goes wrong. The one person that I give any credity for is Shannon because she, unlike the two little boys, seems to have the balls enough to actually make an apology. Pretty sad considering that she should be the last person that I should say has balls (God I cannot believe I am joking about balls right now considering how angry I am).

I tried to apologize. I over apologized to Rich and he did nothing but play silly little games. I apologized to Dustin and he now basically has amnesia and claims I didn't. Shannon actually responded but I'm having trouble trying to figure out if I believe her sincerity, as much as I hate to say that. I made mistakes, okay? I know I did, I readily admit that. So quit acting like all I am is a screw up. Quick yelling at me, quit blaming me, quit trying to make yourselves look better because of me. Just stop. I'm not a fucking toy, I have feelings and right now those feelings are really, really hurt.

I hurt just as much as everyone else.