Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. ~ Mark Twain
I can be so dumb sometimes. And right now I have to wonder if I have any idea how to use my brain.
Last night should have been a fun, good, easy going night. And instead I ruined it. Because I am so confused. I adore Dustin. I adore Dustin more than I have adored any boy - man - in quite a long time. I could just go on and on about all his great, beautiful, positive attributes. He's the kind of person I really want in my life, not just someone that I keep around because I'm scared of the void that I may have if I let go.
The problem is that I have such a hard time trusting people. Especially men. Things are good at first, sure. But then I start to feel these little tugs on my heart. And it is then that I get scared. I've had so many people in my life that I have loved... cared about. And they walk away, claiming they hate me, that I am manipulative and a liar, that I'm nothing but a self centered bitch that can't do anything right. Why should I keep letting people into my life when there is a chance that they will do the same thing? Why should I open myself up for just another rejection?
My other problem is that the few people that I think may be worthy I end up putting through this horrible push and pull process. You want to be my friend? Be prepared for me to push against you, fight you... do whatever I can to make you give up. I'll get mad at you and cry and bed and just be a completely lunatic. And then if you're still around just maybe I'll realize that you give a damn enough to stick around. It's sick, I know...
I've been such a bitch to Dustin and he doesn't deserve it. I hold these impossible, high expectations knowing that he'll fail against them... because no one would ever be able to pass. I did talk to him today and... he made me feel like such a jerk. Not because he was mean to me but because he was so kind. I explained my fears and told him exactly what was going on. And he said to me, "I'm not going anywhere. If I was going to be pushed away I'd have been gone by now." I wish he knew what that means to me. I wish I could explain what he means to me. He's the best thing to enter my life in quite awhile. But I'm not entirely sure how to treat someone that good. I really want to figure it out.
I need to reflect a little bit.
