I am completely at odds about my situation with Dustin. When I am hurt by someone I am used to closing up to protect myself. I get angry with them, make myself really dislike them, and it's easy to just be bitter. However... I have a hard time being mad at Dustin. True, he hurt me in a HUGE way and I don't think he understands that or think he did anything wrong. I don't trust him the way I used to and if he wants that trust back he's really going to need to work for it. However, he's Dustin. He's my goofy, sweet, carefree, psychotic... I don't know, partner in crime. Dustin has brought out the side of me that I really thought I had lost, the goofy side of me that I thought maybe I threw back to high school when I met Rich. I have to say a lot of this is tied into Rich. I feel like when I met Rich he picked me up. He did bring me out of a place in my life that was very, very bad. However, I really think he's on a downward spiral to, as I like to say, Scrooge-dom. It's like work is the only thing that has meaning to him. It's as if the person I used to know him as died. That makes me sad because I fell in love with such a great, caring, decent man. And now I hate the cruel shell that he's become. And that just sucks. I really think if I would have continued on my path with Rich that he would have taken me down with him. Being around him really changed me. I became quieter (a hard task, I know), less able to speak my mind, unhappy and over emotional. I got used to not laughing too loud in public, to making sure that I edited what I said so that I was always "appropriate." And I didn't like that Krysten very much. I missed my old self but my love for Rich kept me from changing back. And then I met Dustin, who is so different from Rich and so much more the person I used to be. He has taught me a lot about being myself and being happy with that, about not changing myself for someone else. And that is truly healthy. Yeah, I really want to talk to him about what's going on with us these days because I don't know that I feel comfortable being alone with him, being his friend outside of work. And I don't want that. Dustin has very quickly found himself a big place in my life and in my heart. I don't want to lose him because I feel uncomfortable and more than a little crushed that this man who I feel is so perfect for me... doesn't want me. I feel as if God is saying, "So here he is, Krysten, Mr. Right. But you can't have him because you have been too much of a jerk and don't deserve him. You can look, but don't touch." Thanks for the slap in the face. Thanks Fate, or Karma, God or whoever handles these things. Whenever you'd like, feel free to shove a little happiness my way. A good dose will be really helpful.

I will be seeing Shannon tomorrow night, something I know I already mentioned. Oddly enough, I'm actually looking forward to it. When I first received her e-mail I truly read it so many times. I talked to people and got really mixed reactions. I know, though, that in the end it was my decision. Even when I said we could get together and try again, I felt unsure. I really thought that I put Shannon and the entire situation behind me. It hurts to lose someone that was once a best friend but I didn't want someone in my life that made me feel badly (makes me wonder why I kept Rich around so long). However, the more I think about it the more I know that I do miss Shannon and our friendship. I think back so many times to all the good times we had together last year. I miss going to her apartment and just girl talking or getting together with Ryan and Josh for drinking and games. I miss shopping at the mall and being bad influences on each other and I miss going out to eat. I guess I need to really admit to myself that despite the anger I have felt towards her I guess part of me has wanted to try to work things out, to be honest with each other, to both grow and learn from this. I don't like having to shut people out of my life, especially people I was once really close with. It makes me think of the book Tuesdays With Morrie. There is a section about forgiveness, about how he got mad at a friend of his and before he could every apologize (after years) the friend had died. I mean, unless something horrible happens, pray to God that's not true, Shannon and I will both be walking this earth for quite a few more decades. But I don't want to get to a point where I don't even have a choice in the matter of us talking and trying to solve things. I want to be a forgiving person and I want to be forgiven for the bad things I've done. I want to grow and to find peace from this. And so I am hopeful that we can start that tomorrow.

Today I give myself permission to: be spontaneous.

I am not a very spontaneous person, I am very much someone that likes to play it safe. And today is no different, although I have to say in my defense that I've been studying for finals and working so it's hard to be spontaneous doing those two things.

I guess the most spontaneous thing I've done in the last few years (this is sad) was my nighttime visit to Duluth with Rich. I believe it must have been late November or so. Rich and I were supposed to go to the movies when, a few hours before, he called me to ask if I wanted to make a run to Duluth instead. I had to work the next morning and knew that by the time we'd get back I wouldn't get my full 8 hours of sleep that I like to try to get. But I had never been to Duluth and have heard good things about the town. So I said yes. We drove up and he showed me around a little. It was so much fun and, at the time, made me feel good to be able to see Rich's old stomping grounds, the place he loved and called home for a few years. Although I was tired at work the next day, I had so much fun going on a mini adventure and wouldn't take it back.

Why am I not spontaneous? I don't know... I don't like to not have things planned. It comes with being a virgo, I'm told, because virgos are totally about being organized. I like to know what I'm doing, when I'm doing it, and who I'm doing it with (hehe, that sounds a little naughty). Being that planned out, it's hard to be spontaneous. However, I have to say that Duluth trips was a little exhilerating. And so... hopefully soon I can learn to break loose a little bit, cut a few ties, and be a little more out there. We shall see.


And so... that's all. Two finals tomorrow (econ and advertising, joy) and then seeing Shannon. So... more soon!