For those who haven't hear, my computer is sick and until Best Buy can fix it the only time I'm online is when I sneak to Dustin's. So.... sorry! You'll all have to live without me!

-Krysten

It was a good day yesterday, I good day to FINALLY finish off the semester. My last final was "easy peasy" so I came back feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I was FREEZING!

I went into work early yesterday to have something to eat. We were pretty slow all last night which was NICE because we were all giggling and being goofy. Morgan was working and she was helping me totally pick of Dustin, lol. That's always a plus. The one thing that bugs me is that Dustin will not speak to Leah unless it's two words about something having to do with work. It gets to be annoying and if he's so over Leah (considering he's SO into Amanda... and not me) then what is his issue? Leah made a mistake and that sucks but stop acting like a kid and get over it. It's like he wants me to get over the hurt I feel by getting rejected by him not once but twice. But he can't just forgive Leah and deal? Yeah.

After work I came home and tried to get Kassi to come out here like she was supposed to. I've been kind of worried about Kassi lately, like she's feeling self destructive or something. So I was trying to get her to come out here so we could just hang out and talk. Actually, she invited herself out here the night before, wanting to get together and drink. And then yesterday I told her that worried me and she agreed. So she was just going to come here to chill. Anyway, I got home and called Kassi and she said he mom wouldn't be home till 10 and she wasn't sure she could come. I should it was fine, she could come out late and she said she'd call back. Well, by 10:30 Leah had called because she was going to come over too. By 11 Leah was here but no word from Kassi. And, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to sit and call again to just feel shot down. So yeah.

Leah and I had a good talk last night. I kinda wonder about her sometimes just because I am loyal to Dustin and so it's hard for me sometimes to totally trust Leah. But it was nice to have a drink with her and talk about stuff and just have girl time. I hang out with Dustin so much, sometimes I forget that I'm a girl, lol. Weird? Yes. The thing that sucks is that Dustin was coming over to bring my present here so when he called Leah decided to go. Sucks that things are so uncomfortable. So Leah headed out.

Dustin came over and I swear to God I was SCARED of the present, lol. He actually got me two, one normal one and one funny one. The normal one is this super cute snowman coffee cup. How sweet is that that he got me something that I actually really like, cute coffee cups. I was touched. Then came the funny gift. It's in this big, flat box and I'm like WTF??? So I open it.... and it's a LITTLE KIDS TABLE AND CHAIRS! He's like, "That way you can stop your bitching about not having furniture in here." Super funny, lol, and absolutely adorable. I got a picture of him sitting at the table, which was positively hysterical. Aw, it was cute.

This morning I woke up at 10:30 to find a message from Leah asking if I wanted to go last minute Christmas shopping. So I'm just waiting for her to call so that we can get on our way. I'm psyched to have someone to shop with and have more girl talk. I guess Dustin messing with my head again came out at a good time, at least. I'll have my girls to hang with and hopefully it will get me to be less attached to him. I think that I am moving from Rich to Dustin, having someone's hand to hold as I try to finally put my past to bed. I mean, that isn't the reason I have feelings for Dustin. Those are genuine, for sure. But I am even more attached, in a not so good way, because I feel like I need him to walk me through everything. So... yeah.

Today I Give Myself Permission To... HAVE FAITH!

To me having faith is the same as having trust that things happen for a reason and I will, in the end, find happiness. Usually I don't feel that way. Usually I just get bummed about the things that happen to me and assume that I must have done SOMETHING to piss off SOMEONE to have so many bad things happen to me.

I don't even have much to say on this. Like I said about everything, I truly am trying. It makes me angry that Rich lead me on for so long and I lost someone that could have been a good boyfriend to me because I was foolish. But... I have to have faith that it happened to teach me a good lesson and I will think twice before getting involved with someone like that again. And that goes for a lot more in my life.


Anyway... Leah should be calling soon so I'm heading out. More soon!

Stole this from Shannon... I'm bored.

A "How Many Times" Survey: Naughty Things
How many times have you…

Farted and blamed someone else for it? I don't think I've ever blamed someone else.... I can't remember

Flipped the birdie while driving? A few times... some people are total asses

Spit on or licked something before giving it to someone else to eat? As far as I know I never have

Taken money from a member of your immediate family? I used to steal from my folks and brother when I was... about 8 through 11 or so. Totally fucked up and lame

Eaten something spoiled, stale or rotten just because you were hungry? Ugh, never. I freak out at expiration dates

Made a prank phone call? I used to all the time when I was little. Not really anymore, although I need to get Dustin back for his prank on me

Toilet-papered a house? Yep.... Alissa's, Nate's, Jono's, and... well, Elisa's car, hehe. Fun times

Run away from home? Yeah, once, when I was in Illinois. I went down the street. But it was hot out. And I was hungry. So I went home

Stolen something from work? Hmm.... a notebook from MN Ins. And my Borders nametag. And a Gap nametag.

Punched someone in the stomach? I playfully punch D all the time

Met someone from the Internet? Quite a few times. Usually doesn't work out

Fudged a grade on your report card? Tried once, didn't work too well

Slapped someone in the face? Yeah, Rich. Almost a year ago

Paid a bill late? Um.... nope

Cheated on a significant other? Never.

Told someone their baby/kid was ugly? SAD! No!

Missed an event important to someone so you could go out and have fun? Um.... called in sick to work to do that, lol

Lied about your age? Nope, never felt a need to

Given someone a wet willie? Um... I probably tried to give Dustin one. That's just how we act with each other

Shoplifted something from a store? A few times when I was friends with the old group in 6th and 7th grade

Keyed someone’s car? Never.... would love to do it to Rich, though. He'd have a heart attack

I am completely at odds about my situation with Dustin. When I am hurt by someone I am used to closing up to protect myself. I get angry with them, make myself really dislike them, and it's easy to just be bitter. However... I have a hard time being mad at Dustin. True, he hurt me in a HUGE way and I don't think he understands that or think he did anything wrong. I don't trust him the way I used to and if he wants that trust back he's really going to need to work for it. However, he's Dustin. He's my goofy, sweet, carefree, psychotic... I don't know, partner in crime. Dustin has brought out the side of me that I really thought I had lost, the goofy side of me that I thought maybe I threw back to high school when I met Rich. I have to say a lot of this is tied into Rich. I feel like when I met Rich he picked me up. He did bring me out of a place in my life that was very, very bad. However, I really think he's on a downward spiral to, as I like to say, Scrooge-dom. It's like work is the only thing that has meaning to him. It's as if the person I used to know him as died. That makes me sad because I fell in love with such a great, caring, decent man. And now I hate the cruel shell that he's become. And that just sucks. I really think if I would have continued on my path with Rich that he would have taken me down with him. Being around him really changed me. I became quieter (a hard task, I know), less able to speak my mind, unhappy and over emotional. I got used to not laughing too loud in public, to making sure that I edited what I said so that I was always "appropriate." And I didn't like that Krysten very much. I missed my old self but my love for Rich kept me from changing back. And then I met Dustin, who is so different from Rich and so much more the person I used to be. He has taught me a lot about being myself and being happy with that, about not changing myself for someone else. And that is truly healthy. Yeah, I really want to talk to him about what's going on with us these days because I don't know that I feel comfortable being alone with him, being his friend outside of work. And I don't want that. Dustin has very quickly found himself a big place in my life and in my heart. I don't want to lose him because I feel uncomfortable and more than a little crushed that this man who I feel is so perfect for me... doesn't want me. I feel as if God is saying, "So here he is, Krysten, Mr. Right. But you can't have him because you have been too much of a jerk and don't deserve him. You can look, but don't touch." Thanks for the slap in the face. Thanks Fate, or Karma, God or whoever handles these things. Whenever you'd like, feel free to shove a little happiness my way. A good dose will be really helpful.

I will be seeing Shannon tomorrow night, something I know I already mentioned. Oddly enough, I'm actually looking forward to it. When I first received her e-mail I truly read it so many times. I talked to people and got really mixed reactions. I know, though, that in the end it was my decision. Even when I said we could get together and try again, I felt unsure. I really thought that I put Shannon and the entire situation behind me. It hurts to lose someone that was once a best friend but I didn't want someone in my life that made me feel badly (makes me wonder why I kept Rich around so long). However, the more I think about it the more I know that I do miss Shannon and our friendship. I think back so many times to all the good times we had together last year. I miss going to her apartment and just girl talking or getting together with Ryan and Josh for drinking and games. I miss shopping at the mall and being bad influences on each other and I miss going out to eat. I guess I need to really admit to myself that despite the anger I have felt towards her I guess part of me has wanted to try to work things out, to be honest with each other, to both grow and learn from this. I don't like having to shut people out of my life, especially people I was once really close with. It makes me think of the book Tuesdays With Morrie. There is a section about forgiveness, about how he got mad at a friend of his and before he could every apologize (after years) the friend had died. I mean, unless something horrible happens, pray to God that's not true, Shannon and I will both be walking this earth for quite a few more decades. But I don't want to get to a point where I don't even have a choice in the matter of us talking and trying to solve things. I want to be a forgiving person and I want to be forgiven for the bad things I've done. I want to grow and to find peace from this. And so I am hopeful that we can start that tomorrow.

Today I give myself permission to: be spontaneous.

I am not a very spontaneous person, I am very much someone that likes to play it safe. And today is no different, although I have to say in my defense that I've been studying for finals and working so it's hard to be spontaneous doing those two things.

I guess the most spontaneous thing I've done in the last few years (this is sad) was my nighttime visit to Duluth with Rich. I believe it must have been late November or so. Rich and I were supposed to go to the movies when, a few hours before, he called me to ask if I wanted to make a run to Duluth instead. I had to work the next morning and knew that by the time we'd get back I wouldn't get my full 8 hours of sleep that I like to try to get. But I had never been to Duluth and have heard good things about the town. So I said yes. We drove up and he showed me around a little. It was so much fun and, at the time, made me feel good to be able to see Rich's old stomping grounds, the place he loved and called home for a few years. Although I was tired at work the next day, I had so much fun going on a mini adventure and wouldn't take it back.

Why am I not spontaneous? I don't know... I don't like to not have things planned. It comes with being a virgo, I'm told, because virgos are totally about being organized. I like to know what I'm doing, when I'm doing it, and who I'm doing it with (hehe, that sounds a little naughty). Being that planned out, it's hard to be spontaneous. However, I have to say that Duluth trips was a little exhilerating. And so... hopefully soon I can learn to break loose a little bit, cut a few ties, and be a little more out there. We shall see.


And so... that's all. Two finals tomorrow (econ and advertising, joy) and then seeing Shannon. So... more soon!

I am so sad right now. I feel like I'm not being given a chance at all. I know I'm not a very easy person to get along with right now. Scary thing is, I feel like I'm easier to get along with than I used to be.

I've stopped talking to Rich. He made me waste my time for two years. He used to be such a different person. When we first met he was fun, he was goofy, he was so much more carefree. He didn't care so much about work or what other people thought of him. He hurt me so badly. He got some girl on his cell texting me these horrible things about how he just used me, how he hates me, how he can't stand the person I am. He should have apologized but he is so busy wanting to be right and true that he will never back down. He will never admit to being wrong. He is 25 and all he wants to do is work and party. He claims he understands what it is like to be hurt, to think that the person you are in love with is The One. But he has no heart. He has no compassion. He proved to me that I am right in not trusting people, especially men. He proved to me that men are only after one thing, sex, and that they will ruin relationships with people to get just that. He has called me so many horrible things and then turns around and claims to care. He claims to be compassionate, to understand my hurt. He doesn't know anything. He is nothing but a fake.

Shannon wants... well, I don't know what she wants. I don't know if she's trying to create good karma for herself or to make herself look good or if she actually feels bad about losing a friendship. I don't trust her. I used to consider her one of my very best friends. I used to think we could be straight with each other, that we understood each other, that I didn't have to hide myself from her. And then one night she turned on me. She claims that it had been going on for a long time but she never bothered to be a real friend and speak up, rather she blew up at me. I feel like she does things to save face, to make herself look good in front of others. I just don't know what us getting together again means. I don't understand what she is trying to prove with this. If she genuinely feels bad, if she really wants to try to work something out... great. But I'm so tired of getting played with by people. If she wants karma then she needs to find it somewhere else. I would love to work things out, but not simply because she feel like she has loose strings to tie up.

Dustin. I think he has hurt me the most, whether or not he intended to. He has been the closest person I am come to trust in a really long time. I kept telling myself, "He would NOT hurt you, he is not that kind of person." and "Krysten, he has been there for you, he knows what would hurt you and he wouldn't dare, he said he wouldn't." He is shifting everything to look like my fault. He's accusing me of lying. All he wants to do is come out still looking like Mr. Nice Guy. And that is so much of why I liked him so much. I thought, "Here is a guy that doesn't let the bullshit influence him." But had has. Unlike Rich, who is too busy thinking he is too much a man to admit to his immaturities, Dustin is too busy being immature and silly. And I will admit, that is part of what draws me to him. Until something important needs to be discussed. And then he runs away. He accuses me of breaking promises and he can't even be man enough to aplogize when he finds out he's in the wrong. He's so busy saving face, trying to look good in front of people who will gossip either way... that he is willing to risk friendships.


I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm far from it. But I am so tired of being treated like I am the fucking devil and I deserve to be treated like shit. I'm tired of people not being straight with me, of people playing games with me, of people not taking responsibility. But why the hell should I apologize for anything when it seems like I'm being asked to apologize for everything? It takes two and I shouldn't have to take responsibility for every little thing that goes wrong. The one person that I give any credity for is Shannon because she, unlike the two little boys, seems to have the balls enough to actually make an apology. Pretty sad considering that she should be the last person that I should say has balls (God I cannot believe I am joking about balls right now considering how angry I am).

I tried to apologize. I over apologized to Rich and he did nothing but play silly little games. I apologized to Dustin and he now basically has amnesia and claims I didn't. Shannon actually responded but I'm having trouble trying to figure out if I believe her sincerity, as much as I hate to say that. I made mistakes, okay? I know I did, I readily admit that. So quit acting like all I am is a screw up. Quick yelling at me, quit blaming me, quit trying to make yourselves look better because of me. Just stop. I'm not a fucking toy, I have feelings and right now those feelings are really, really hurt.

I hurt just as much as everyone else.

Dustin doesn't want to be with me.

Just typing that really hurts. I'm not even sure what to say. He's says that he never did and I guess thought I knew that. He claims that us having sex was... I don't know, just sex. I don't know why. He likes this other girl. And it really hurts. I'm really angry with him. He says I don't have a right to be. He says I lead myself on. He says, "I just don't have those feelings for you." Well he sure put on a good act, he sure fooled me. He cuddles me and claims it's because I asked but he does enough of the grabbing himself. He never had to have sex with me, he made the decision all by himself. He claims it's because he didn't want to hurt me by saying no. Well it hurts more now because I feel used. I know he was trying to spare my feelings but I feel even worse now. It's like, he and Alyssa broke up and I was there for him. I was his shoulder to cry on, I listened to him bitch about her, I was there so he wouldn't have to feel alone. And then he made me feel like I had some kind of chance with him. Until Leah came along. Then suddenly it was "see ya Krysten." So fine. It hurt me SO MUCH. But I backed off and forced myself to get over him. Then Leah didn't work out and Rich treated me like shit. I called him up because I needed a shoulder to cry on, not because I wanted sex. We were cuddled up in my bed ... I felt COMFORTED. The few times I woke up that night his hands were the ones wandering. And when I want to be with someone... I'm so weak to their come ons. Yeah I did have sex with him. But I truly thought that there was no way he'd mess with me unless he had feelings for me. He knew how much Rich had hurt me. He knew how much HE had hurt me before. And so I let down my defenses and I let myself trust him. And now this. And it hurts. And all he can do is say that I get hysterical and this is all my fault and how dare I be mad at him. I trusted him. I trusted that he wouldn't hurt me. And... he has. He has in a really bad way. I was just starting to get over Rich and I had all these hopes that I had finally found this great, wonderful, decent guy in Dustin. I thought maybe just once I could have the guy I wanted, the guy I actually deserve to have. And he makes me feel like I don't deserve him, like I'm not good enough.

My permission card today says to see the humor. Despite myself I guess I did at work today. I went in feeling horrible; not only does my heart hurt so badly but Dad came over and just treated me bad. So I went into work with puffy eyes. I don't even know if I hid it. I'm sure people will be talking and I'm sure Dustin will think that I was talking about him. It's pretty much calling me a liar because I told him I wasn't going to go talk smack about him at work, neither one of us needs that drama (although I do love how he jumps around with Perkins girls. I remember my friend Adam used to be the Sheehan Hall Slut at Winona because he seemed to girl jump... well Dustin seems like the Perkins Slut). Anyway.... things got worse because Leah went home sick and another server probably wouldn't show. Randy cut the floor early and then when we got a mini rush and I told him we should probably go back to a 4 or 5 chart. He got all pissed at me and told me to stop spazzing or I could go home. Like, what the fuck, I was just telling him we needed another server. God fuck off Randy.

So it was a bad day. But... I have to say that as much as the drama really bugs me... I usually end up feeling pretty okay when I leave. I showed up feeling horrible. But Silas cracked a few jokes and got me to smile. Then Dennis came in and got me to laugh. And tonight turned out okay. This new little hostess.... I think she spells her name Corinne? She comes waltzing in at 4:30 wearing this short little nothing skirt and these "fuck me" boots. None of us could believe it. I guess a lot of people have been complaining about how she dresses. Just totally nuts. So Teddy pulled her aside and told her to go home and change. Eep. I ended up staying an hour past the time I was scheduled and I felt better. We were all joking around. I can't say I hurt any less. But my life... it's such a soap opera. I have to laugh at it sometimes. I guess I need to see the humor in my life because if I didn't I would be so depressed. And the people at work, psychotic as they are, gossipy as they are... they really help to put a little humor in my life.

Nada else is going on. I'm going to dye my hair, probably give myself a facial and a pedicure. Yeah. I'm such a girl.

More soon.

Oh... and I'm meeting with Shannon Monday night. We'll see.

A survey about my "ideal man." *giggle*


--Your Favorite--

Hair Color:: I love dark hair
Eye Color:: Definitely big, brown puppy eyes
(Their)Music Genre Preference:: They can like whatever they want as long as they are at least respectful of what I like
Height(estimate):: 5'9 or taller
Age:: Anywhere between 21 and 26
Personality Type:: I want someone that is really intelligent and can speak his mind, can be goofy and romantic, likes to have fun and laugh a lot

--This or That--

Older or Younger:: Older
Romantic or Horndog:: Well I want someone that enjoys sex as much as me... but definitely a romantic too
Smart or Stupid:: Smart, of course
Fat or Skinny:: Eh, just as long as I don't feel fat around him... or that he'll squish me
Skinny but Muscular or Big and Muscular:: I like a guy with a little muscle. Nothing too nuts
Punk or Preppy:: I prefer a guy with his own sense of style... as long as he knows how to look put together when need be
The Big Picture or the Little Things:: Both definitely count in their own way
Flowers/Candy or Big Expensive Present:: Just something sweet and romantic, it's the thought that counts, not how much you spend on it
Mixtape or Burned CD:: Hehe, burned CD
Love or Lust:: Love
Emotional or Just Not:: Emotional... when he needs to be
Sincere or Jokester:: There's a time for both
Hott and mean or Ugly and sweet:: Um... the way I see it, when you're in love with someone they're the best looking person in the world. I just want someone that I adore (and who adores me) and that I am attracted to
Sexy or Just "cute":: Hehe, a little bit of both
Arse or Abs:: I'm all about the ass, hehe
Hair or Hands:: What?? Um... what??
Dimples or Eyes:: Most definitely eyes
Biceps or Calves/Thighs:: Um... sheesh I don't know
Teeth or Nose(some people are just wierd) :: That is weird. Dustin has cute teeth, lol
Clean Shaven or Scruffy:: A guy that can be both
Rugged or Prim and Proper:: Again, a little of both
Countryboy or Cityboy: I want a guy that can adapt
Date alone or With Friends: Both are fun, actually. It depends on how romantic you want to be
Mama's Boy or Rebel Without A Cause:: I'm kinda done with bad boy jackasses. Then again, there is such a thing as being too much of a mama's boy...

--Have You Ever--

Dumped a guy because he liked you too much:: Yeah, Bjorn... when he suggested going to Tiffany's after we'd been together a month I knew I needed to be concerned
Loved a guy because he stalked you:: Ah... no
Loved a guy because he hated you:: I suppose yeah, Rich
Asked your friend's crush out:: Nah, my girlfriends and I don't have the same taste in guys
Lead guys on for fun:: That's mean!
Asked a guy out purely because he was hott:: Nah... there's more to life than being hot
Flirted with guys even though you had a boyfriend:: Nope
Lied about not having a boyfriend:: Nope
Lied about having one:: Nope
Cheated:: Definitely not, that's wrong. I'm a good girl
Been Cheated on:: Not that I know of
Had a crush on a gay guy:: Hehe, not that I know of

--Their Clothing(yes/no)--

Boxers?:: Yes
Briefs?:: EWW no!
Hat?:: Eh, my crush looks super cute is baseball hats
Skater Shoes?:: Um... don't care...
Pimp Shoes?:: What the F are pimp shoes???
Band Shirts?:: Eh, isn't that sorta 90's?
Shorts?:: Eh... depends on the kind of shorts
Southpole/um..other thug clothes..?:: Nooooo... D looks like enough of a thug in his big ol' jacket
Dixie Outfitters/Big Johnsons?:: Um... no
Independent/DC?:: I suppose, if he can pull it off
Skavenger/UGP?:: Not sure what that is
Fox/Thor?:: Again... not sure what that is
Jeans or Shorts?:: Jeans

--Be Honest--

Would you ever date a guy for his money?:: No, there's so much more to life, and to a person, that what's in their wallet
Would you ever date a guy for his social status?:: Considering the guys I've dated I'm sure everyone knows the answer is no
Have you ever liked hanging out with your bf's friends more than him?:: Nope
Have you ever pretended to like somebody to make them feel better?: Eh, I dated Bjorn for longer than I should have
Have you called a girl a whore, when you were screwing lots of guys?:: Nope... I called a girl a whore because that's what she is
Do looks matter?:: Not really... attraction, sure... but different people are attracted to different people
Are you honestly scared of being dumped?:: God yeah
Does size matter?:: Hehehe
Do you avoid 'situations' with ugly guys?:: Dude, this survey is so all about how a guy looks!
Are you ashamed to be seen with your ugly friends?:: I have awesome, beautiful friends
Are you ashamed for being ashamed?(you better be):: Bah
Do you hide things from your crushes/guy friends/bf?:: I'm pretty outspoken and open so I don't think so
Do you lie about masturbation for attention or false innocence?:: Um... I masturbate and not at all ashamed to admit it
Do you really want a guy to say if those jeans make your butt look fat?:: I have an awesome ass so no guy would ever say that
Are you dissapointed when your bf doesn't say I love you right away?:: I think saying I love you is used WAY too much these days. I don't expect it all the time
Wanna be a virgin till marriage?: Lol next question please
Do you really love the guys everytime that you say it?: I've said it and not meant it in the past
Do you dream about your crushes/bfs/guy friends?:: Yup
Would you makeout with a guy friend just to get it over with/curiosity?:: Probably not
Does this survey suck nuts?: Eh...

Okay... I just woke up. It's 10 and I should be up by now anyway. And I have actually been up for awhile, enjoying the warmth and niceness of cuddling in my bed on a day when all I have to do is go shopping (such a hard life I lead). However, it's really rude to have people in your apartment making a bunch of noise when you're in your room sleeping, no matter what time it is. I understand Tiff is doing me a favor and moving her stuff out (thank God because our sitting area has been driving me CRAZY since it looks like a used furniture store) but do she and her brother and her brother's wife need to be so loud? When I have anyone here, if Tiff is home and especially if I know she's sleeping, I try really hard to make sure my company and myself are quiet. Is that really too much to ask?

Yesterday was a good day. I got my room nice and clean, which made me feel better, and got all the dishes done, which makes me feel better because I hate our apartment being a mess. I went to my marketing final and felt dumb for mixing up the difference between PR and publicity (especially since I want to go into PR and should know what it is) but otherwise it seemed okay. I came home and sat around for awhile, ate some food. At around 7 Emalyn arrived and we headed over the the Leonard's, our landlords, to give them our signed leases and security deposits. Emalyn was a lot more talkative this time so I don't think I'll have to worry about living with someone that's super shy. The meeting didn't last too long so I ran back to watch The Apprentice (super pissed off at The Donald, you picked the wrong person). Then I went to Dustin's.

Okay... I got an e-mail yesterday that really shook me up. I won't go into it at the moment because I'm still feeling pretty unsure. But I just feel really weird. I called Amber when I first received it to discuss it a little and when I went to Dustin' s I talked it over with him too. Dustin. being the total guy that he is, did not at all understand why I let the e-mail shake me up and told me to forget about it. But.... something won't let me.

Today I give myself permission to... practice compassion.

What does this mean to me? I guess I'm going to apply it to my e-mail yesterday. My first response was "Screw that, I don't trust you and I don't even like you." I read that e-mail A LOT before even calling anyone. I felt really angry, like, "Where do you get the gall?" But after going over it I have to say that my heart melted a little. How would I like it if I had sent an e-mail like that and that person just went off on me? Actually... I have had that. I got that in so many different ways with Rich.

It sucks to have someone not understand you, to want to be kind and to be pushed away. I've been there. This person and I used to be friends and right now I'm trying really hard to be a better person. I sent this person an e-mail back and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the nicest e-mail in the world although I don't think it sounded like a bitch e-mail either.

Would I like to see this person again? I've been tossing that around in my head all night. I think so. I think I would. I don't like feeling as if things are not settled and I don't like knowing that I can so much dislike someone that I used to love. However, I'm really tired of people making me out to feel like the bad guy. I know I made a lot of mistakes. And now I'm trying to fix them. But as Amber said last night, it takes two.

Okay.. time for a shower because I have to go buy Malibu for Ali and then Leah and I are Christmas shopping.

Happy Christmukkah all!!!

Today I give myself persmission to: edit what no longer works...

Editing what no longer works can mean so many different things to so many different people. I also think that depending on what you edit depends on how long that editing process can take.

I decided to take today's permission literally rather than taking it to mean editing things in my life. And so I edited my room, hehe. I went through all of my clothes because I keep some clothes simply due to the fact that they USED to look cute or I USED to like that color or I spent a lot of money on them a long time ago and it would be a shame to give them away. Not a good reason to keep clothing. So I went through everything and will be giving to the Good Will anything that I have not worn in awhile that I keep saying I will and never do. Along with that I am getting rid of three bras that I just cannot stand but keep around for one reason or another.

I also went through my panties. Lol, don't worry, those aren't going to the Good Will. But I tossed out anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, that I don't wear, or that I bought to "seduce" Rich. I want to own underwear that I like, not what someone else will like because I'm the one that has to wear it and certain kinda of panties can be SO uncomfortable!

I love the new perspective I am getting in my life. In these past few days I have felt a lot happier than I have in a long time. Not talking to Rich has made me appreciate the people in my life that treat me so well and has also caused me to feel a lot lighter, less stressed. I didn't realize that the person I thought I loved so much was causing me to feel hatred and anger... was causing me so much sadness. This past week has felt so good to me and I want to continue on the path to feeling this good.

I need to admit something totally silly. The other night I had a make out dream. That may not seem silly except that it has been FOREVER since I've had a "make out only dream." Usually if I have dreams about someone of the opposite sex it involves A LOT more that just making out And yeah.... it involved Dustin. Woah man, I have not been so into kissing someone in quite a long time. I just feel so silly, that dream was so NICE. D brings out the younger side of me and I think I've really missed that side of me. I've been spending too much time convincing myself that I need to grow up, that I need to be an adult 24/7, that I cannot be silly or giggly or ME! Oh I could DANCE!

My day hasn't really even started yet and it's 2:30. I have my second final in an hour, marketing, and I've actually studied for it but I'm still scared. Afterwards, at 6, I have to run over to my landlords' house to drop of my security deposit and I'm hoping that won't take too long. Tonight Ali and I are running over to the football house because it's Teddy's birthday. I don't really want to be there too long, I'm not all too much in the party mood tonight. And to round the night off heading over to D's for who knows what.

So.... I will enjoy my last hour till Hell 2 falls upon me, hehe. Joyful finals.

MORE SOON!

The other day I ordered something called "Permission Cards" from Transitions Bookplace. They're super cool, basically you pull one out and it gives you persmission to do something that sometimes you get too busy to do. I want to use one each day to kind of help myself to find a better peace in my life.

So for today: Today I Give Myself Permission To... TAKE THE NEXT STEP!!

How did I take the next step? Well to me I did this by biting my tongue. I really wanted to e-mail John and go off on him today. I think my problem is I always want to get the last word, I want revenge, I want to hurt someone as much as they hurt me. I believe this is the same reason I want so badly for Rich to call so I can answer and just scream at him for hurting me.

However, I held back on both accounts. I didn't e-mail John. He can go ahead and do what he wants but I'm not going to keep up and play his game because I know most of the reason he's doing it is just to rile me up. He's manipulative and I sometimes fall into that too easily, get angry too easily. As for Rich, there are so many times when I wanted to pick up the phone, e-mail him... even just put his SN on my buddy list just to see what he's doing. But... I don't really want to know. I am never going to heal if I continue to wonder about Rich and keep him in my life.

So I am, in a way, taking the next step. I am letting go of the past. And not just ex-boyfriends. I am letting go a past hurt and hardship and hopefully in place of that I am pulling towards me the happiness that I have from having good friends around, the love that they give me and the love that I give them. I am taking the next step towards finding a better happiness for myself. It's really hard. I'm used to feeling angry and to holding onto that anger. But that doesn't make me a happier person. So I don't want that anymore.

Goodnight. Tomorrow is another day.

I seriously have the WORST taste in men. Well, aside from two exes that it just didn't work out with and who may be total jerks now but just in the general "I'm a man and I'm stupid" kinda way. The the rest of my exes? More or less total FREAKS. I will not go into last night because, hell, he might SUE ME (get a life, it's been a few years). Seriously, how much time do you have on your hands that you have to go around making sure one of your exes hasn't said anything bad about you. I'm sure you've said bad stuff about me. You think I don't have a life? Who's the one that, after years, is still be a totally annoying asshole in my life? Get over it, you're an ass, everyone knows it... go deal with it yourself, stupid little prick.

Okay. I'm better now.

I cannot think of anything to write right now. I guess I'll go into work last night and how totally irresponsible people can be. Yesterday around 2:30 one of our servers, Chris, comes in. No one really likes the way Chris serves but hey, it sucks if someone can't work. So he comes in saying that he had school work to do (don't we all?) and needs to find someone to work his shift. He's going through the phone list calling people and can't get anyone. So he's all "I cannot work tonight!" and I'm like, "Well there's nothing I can do about it, I'm just a hostess." So he calls Dustin up to tell him and Dustin asked who was working. When Chris told him D said he supposed that that was okay, to go tell Candy. So Chris goes and tells Candy and he goes, "Dustin says it's okay if I don't work today." Well what the hell? So Chris leaves and I was standing there complaining to Cindy about how everyone has school stuff but you don't see us not coming in to work. Candy overhears me and asks if that was the reason Chris couldn't work and I said yes. Well Candy tells me that that isn't an acceptable excuse and to call Chris to tell him he had to work. So I call Chris and left a message with him explaining the situation. Well, around 4:30 he calls back and says that it doesn't matter, that school is more important. I really hope he gets fired. I mean, no kidding school is more important but you don't screw over everyone else. What makes you better than the rest of us? I mean, seriously. It completely is not right and hopefully someone will see that.

Have I mentioned my crush on Dustin lately? Yeah, it's still there, lol. Yesterday I worked a few hours for him. See, he was supposed to work 3 to 11 and I was scheduled 5 to 8. I've been really bugged about not having enough hours so Dustin asked if I wanted to work two of his hours, 3 to 5. I said sure. When Dustin called Candy to confirm it with her she asked if I wanted to start at two. After a sigh (man, going from 3 hours to 6, lol) I said sure. I told D he owed me and if he was going to MOA he owed me Godiva chocolate (aka ORGASM CHOCOLATE.... mmmm). We, I'm at work and he texts me and tells me he didn't get me chocolate but something else instead. He's all, "It's hella funny!" Noooooo! Dustin Funny is not Krysten Funny, lol. So he comes into work at 5 and I'm all, "I WANT MY PRESENT, I WANT MY PRESENT, I WANT MY PRESENT!" AND HE SAID NO! I'm not allowed to have it till CHRISTMAS! And I won't even BE HERE on Christmas so I have to wait till AFTER Christmas! So wrong! So unfair! Dustin will go down. Watch out boy, when you least expect it: DEATH! Muah-ha-ha!

By the way, I'm not a whore if I've had a few sexual partners that I've been in relationships in. A whore is someone who will sleep with anyone and, last I checked, I obviously don't. I go to a damn good school, just because your school is private and therefore costs more does not mean you're getting a better education, it just means you're wasting your (or in your case, ass) your parents' money. It's not slander if there is a disclaimer that says that anything I write is of my opinion, so if you take me to court the judge will laugh at you. And if you have a problem with me, go cry to your.... well, can't say friends because you don't have any. Can't say girlfriends because I'm sure you still don't know how to treat women. Go cry to your messed up family that taught you how to be a small minded little prick with nothing better to do than live in the past. Oh, one more thing? Fuck off.

Have a good day all!

So I added a little something onto my blog. If you take a little look at my sidebar I have a new section called "shop." I'm making a list of cute websites that carry interesting "goods." So if anyone knows of other places feel free to let me know.

Yesterday I kinda did a whole lot of nothing. I'm kinda worn out from this semester and from all the drama of my life lately. I know I need to just put some of the stuff that's gone on in the past and I'm really trying to. For awhile, anyway, I'm not going to mention Rich. Last night I took the diary I used to use to write about him and put it with the rest of my old diaries and I threw away the bottle of cologne that I know he wears. It's sad that it's taken me hating him to finally be over him. It also took me losing friends. But I'm getting there and I'm proud of myself.

I'm going to take right now to voice my opinion on someone. I know other people have a problem with this person but no one ever really seems to say anything about it unless they make sure it sounds like an anonymous person. I'm talking about Shannon. I don't want to bash her but I hate how she walks around so smugly, thinking she's so wonderful and perfect and how dare anyone have anything bad to say about her. Yes, we did use to be friends and I do cherish those memories because we had a lot of good times. But she sits there now thinking that she has this perfect little life and that's not true. She looks down on other people because they aren't perfect and she judges people when it should be herself that she's judging. If people do not live by Shannon's way then she has a hard time accepting them and that isn't fair. She can be incredibly selfish and while I understand that she takes a lot of that from the way she grew up it still doesn't make it right. I think she puts forth this incredibly fake image to make people like her and it makes me sick that so many are fooled by her. Then again, I have to admit that for quite awhile I was fooled by her too. But anyone that can whine about wanting an engagement ring from someone and then throw that person aside when she doesn't get it, anyone that can one moment say someone is her best friend and then go off and bash that person without giving that person any chance for defense, anyone that can think that they have ANY right to judge someone when they have no idea about that person's life.... that person needs a good, hard smack in the face. She needs to grow up and learn that she will not always have everything handed to her on a silver platter. Shannon, I once saw a good person in you. Now I see nothing but cruelness and no heart.

I'm eating a candy cane right now, hehe. I went out yesterday and bought a box because right now it really doesn't feel all that much like Christmas. I cannot believe that a week from Friday I will be sitting with my family and Aunt Robyn and Uncle Bill's opening gifts and listening to the general craziness that is my family. I do not always get along with my parents, in fact I worry sometimes that we have barely a shimmer of a line of communication open anymore. But I have to say I'm fairly blessed with the family I've been given. I know people that have to pay their way through school and I don't have to worry about that. I got my first car for $200. I was able to go to YIG because of them and that is something that I would NEVER give up. Plus there are my grandparents, two people who I love SO much and who I am so grateful to have close to me in my life. I have two of the best aunts in the world, women that are pretty much like older sisters to me. Hell, even my little brother is beginning to be slightly cool. So I guess despite all the craziness I am pretty damn lucky.

Okay.... so instead of working at 5 today like I was supposed to I told Dustin I'd work for him at 3. Then Candy wanted me to come in at 2. So I have a lot less time than I thought I would, bleh. Ah well, it's money. So time for me to eat something and then head into work. More soon!

I thought this would be a really good survey right now because sometimes I have trouble liking what I see when I look in the mirror. We shall see...

Self Image Survey

Lips -- I absolutely ADORE my lips. They're full and plump and supposedly DS Lips (dick sucking lips). I know most women complain because they have thin lips so in this respect I am very blessed, hehe

Eyes -- I adore my eyes. They're usually green and I love the fact that they change color. When I'm mad or upset they get really light, almost gray, and when I'm by the water they get blue. I truly do like my eyes a lot

Nose -- I have my grandma's nose, which should make me happy because I love my grandma, but I just do not like my nose! I think it's too big but everyone else tells me it's not. Eh... I obviously don't listen to them, hehe

Hair -- Eh, it's a love/hate relationship. Sometimes I adore my hair. Right now I really love my haircut, although the color needs to be brightened. But then I hit bad hair weeks or months and I just want to shave it off! I'm beginning to love the bit of natural curl that I have but... sometimes seriously. Yeah.

Teeth -- I wish they were straighter. And whiter. And I'm annoyed with the cavities I've managed to get without trying. Eh... could be worse, I guess

Face in general -- I really don't like my skin sometimes, I'm really acne prone (thank God for my birth control which has helped a lot). But sometimes I look in the mirror, or at pictures (especially my senior pics) and I really do love my face

Arms -- I wish I had more muscle. And I have this little bit of... I dunno, skin by my underarms that I don't like. But yeah, they're not horrid or anything

Hands -- I want my fingers to be longer! But otherwise I like them, they're petite and what not

Chest -- My chest used to cause me to cry myself to sleep at night. It made me MISERABLE. And then I got some of it, as I like to say, chopped off. Now I'm a 36C and quite happy with it. Usually, hehe

Stomach -- I hate my stomach. 'Nuff said

Back -- If I could lose a little weight I would love my back. And boys seem to like it, they're always going on about how soft it is

Butt -- I love my butt, hehe. I get so many compliments on it and it looks SO DAMN CUTE in jeans, hehe. It's not small but it's not huge either. Just this beautiful ass, hehe

Legs -- Um... I wish they were a little thinner

Thighs -- I wish they were stronger and leaner looking. Again, I really think I need to work out a little

Feet-- I love how thin my feet look and how little they are. I like that I have low arches because it makes wearing high heels not suck so much. I love my feet when my toes are painted and I'm walking around barefoot in the summer, hehe

Oh man, it was a drinking weekend. Which means NO MORE for a long time. But it was a pretty good weekend nonetheless.

Sunday was a pretty funny day, hehe. I went to work from noon to 4 and right after the church/breakfast rush was winding down THE POWER GOES OUT. We're all just like "WTF???" It was out for about half an hour before the power came back on. Luckily most of the customers had their food but it was just funny to see them sitting in the dark eating, lol. And when the lights came back on there was a huge groan from those of us working, hehe. Afterwards everything went smoothly. We were REALLY slow. Teddy came in and around 3:30 Mom and Dad showed up to talk over the lease. Unbelievable, no fighting about it. So that all went pretty well.

Sunday night.... I won't go into why I tried to cause a fight with Dustin last night. It was mean and stupid. I need to stop. Anyway... I showed up at Perkins party (at Bud's Lanes) around 7:30. I immediately ran into Nick and Rabbit. They immediately tried to get me to drink, lol. We went down to the blackjack tables and I was Nick's good luck charm, hehe. It was a good time. Then Ali showed up and later on Leah. It sucks because Dustin won't even come near Leah. I mean, D is my boy, I look out for him. But I do like Leah so it kinda sucks being friends with both of them. I feel like I have to jump back and forth because Dustin won't talk to Leah. I know he has a good reason, which is why I haven't pushed him, but it doesn't make it suck any less. Anyway, last night was fun nonetheless. I talked to some people that I've really never talked to before, which was cool. I had way too much to drink, though, lol. See, we all got free drinks tickets and somehow I got 4. So I had a strawberry daiquiri right off the bat and then the best drink EVER: a Malibu and pineapple juice. MMMM! I was gonna calm it down but why waste drink tickets? So I had two beers and then was totally going to stop. I left the group Dustin was bowling with (Amie, Morgan, Dave, and Dana) and walked over to Ali's group because I was Ali's ride. Well they were still bowling and Leah was trying to talk me into staying. I was like, "Eh, why not?" So I sat down there and Leah's guy friend Jess (WAY too Abercrombie, sheesh) bought me an amoretta sour. Also incredibly good but that just killed me. Then Leah and I started talking about guys. I dunno, she told me some stuff that kind of contradicted things that Dustin's told me. I don't care either way but... it was weird to hear her give such a different story. And I wonder if she did just to save my feelings. But I don't care! If she had sex with Dustin that's fine. I don't know... it was just weird. I'm not sure if I should tell Dustin about it or not. I mean, it sucks if she's lying about stuff that happened because it makes Dustin look like a jerk. And... I believe Dustin.

Wow.

That scares me to say that. Because that means that, at least in part, that I trust Dustin. I guess I'm scared. Trusting people is hard for me and I tend to fight against it. But I don't think he's out to hurt me. I really think he's around because he cares. Anyway, though... I'm not sure if I should tell him what Leah said. I'm sure she told me as a friend to a friend... so maybe I'd be breaking confidence. I dunno. I'll figure it out.

Okay... time to clean up a little. More soon.

Wow, as if I'm not enough of a nerd, now I'm filling out a survey on The OC. What can I say, I'm slightly obsessed...



1. Who is your favorite character on the show? Seth.... well, Seth and Sandy. Their banter is absolutely hilarious
2. Who is the best actor/actress on the show? Adam Brody (or maybe that's just me being obsessed with him)
3. Do you have a crush on any of the characters? Hmm let's see... possibly Seth?
4. Any of the actors/actresses? Okay we need to get over this... yes I am in love with Adam Brody!!!
5. Would you want to live in Orange County? Nah, I'd miss the seasons and there's more drama there then there is in my own life!!
6. I mean, REALLY? It's so prissy... EXACTLY
7. Do you like the show? I think semi obsessed is the right word
8. There's so much drama on it, what do you think about that? Better to watch it than to live it, hehe
9. What do you think will happen next season? Actually the season's already started. Seems like everyone's finding new people and... I kinda like them with the new people (except Summer, Zack's annoying).
10. Are you obsessed with the OC? I most certainly am
11. Do you plan that day's schedule around the show? Usually I'm home Thursday night's (because not only is it OC night but it's also Apprentice and ER night). I get super annoyed when Randy makes me work Thursday nights
12. Do you REJECT friends just to watch the show? Lol, I once told Kas I couldn't talk on the phone because OC was on
13. Do your friends watch it with you? Nah, I think I'm the only one
14. What about Seth? Hot, eh? Um... hell yeah
15. And Ryan? I dunno... I'm not much into blonds
16. How about Seth's mom? Do I think she's hot? For a mom, yeah
17. Opinions on Summer? She's adorable
18. Opinions on Marissa? Very super model like... too thin in my opinion
19. Which character do you absolute HATE? Um... right now I'm just not all too thrilled with Zack. I don't HATE him, I just find him boring
20. Have you seen every episode? I'm pretty sure I have...

A fitting survey since it's almost 2005. Enjoy!

"What For 2004"

All answers pertain to the year 2004

What is your favorite tv show? A have to say I didn't start watching any new shows for 2004. I guess except Laguna Beach. A guilty pleasure, hehe

What is your favorite movie? My fav 2004 movie, huh? Harry Potter baby!

What reality show couldn't you live without? The topper for me is always Real World

What was your biggest accomplishment this year? Being accepted to River Falls and adjusting so well to my new life in RF

What is your biggest regret for this year? Continuing to go after Rich despite how horrible he's treated me. Breaking hearts because of him, letting my own heart break because of him.... living too much in the past and not enough in the present

What one thing would you have done differently? Spent more time with my friends

What was your best day? Hmm... probably the night Doug came to Woodbury. A few of us (I can't even remember who... Amber, James... was anyone else there) went to Target and bought glow sticks. We were so hyper that night and had so much fun. I definitely need more fun, silly nights and days like that

What was the most memorable book you read this year? DaVinci Code. That or We Need To Talk About Kevin

What didn't you get to do this year, that you wish you could have? Ireally wish I would have done more than just work and my photography class this summer. I wanted to go to ValleyFair and to the cabin more... maybe get a tan!

What is the biggest change in you or your life over the past year? I think I've learned a lot. I now think I know what I REALLY want in a man and I learned how to not take my friends for granted. I'm learning how to live on my own and deal with everything. I'm learning to be happy.

I Hope For 2005

I hope the new year will bring? I hope the new year will bring a lot more self discovery. I want to be able to spend a lot more time with my friends and to stop being so lazy when it comes to school. I want to work hard and save my money. I'd love to find someone to love and am hopeful that the person I really adore right now will be the one I love. I hope I can stay strong in the decisions I've made about Rich and with my diet, hehe.

Fill in the blanks.

I hope? I will be the happiest I've been
I hope? I become even closer with my wonderful friends
I hope? I can learn to trust and love
I hope? I can start writing again
I hope? I can learn to stop living so much in the past
I hope? Life can slow down a little

Okay, time for a rant.

It's finals time. We're all stressed, we all have tons of papers, projects, presentations... not to mention studying for tests. It's the way of college, everyone goes a little psycho around finals time. But does that give ANYONE the right to call into work "sick?" Here's the deal: last night I'm at work when the phone rings. It's Erin, one of the servers. She tells me she's sick and can't come in. I tell her that it's her job to call people and find someone to cover and she told me she tried but got voicemails or no answers. So I said fine. Then I proceeded to call people because I knew she didn't call anyone. Well I left messages but no luck. At 4 Hilary came in and when I told her what was up she got PISSED. I guess she has a class with Erin who told Hilary that she was calling in because she had a paper to write. She could have written the paper the next day but she wanted to go out the next day. So basically Erin screwed us over because of school work (which ALL of us have but you don't see us calling in) and because she wanted to go out (which all of us would like to be able to do). People can be so fucking irresponsible. And truly annoying.

Today marketing projects are do and I will be SO happy to get it off my back. I'm also turning in both my history papers which means I just have my advertising presentation tomorrow and then only finals. YAY! All my finals are late enough in the day where I can sleep in, soooooo nice! Well, except for my poli sci final, which was supposed to be at 7:45 but she changed it to 8:45. JOY! An extra hour of sleep. Totally awesome!

I met my soon to be roommate last night. Her name is Emalyn and she seems like a sweetie although maybe a little quieter than Tiff. I'm a tad worried about that because when I'm around people who are quiet I tend to get quiet too. And I want to live with someone that I can at least have conversations with every now and again. So here's hoping she's just a little shy. Anyway, so we went to talk to the landlords last night and we're each going to be on the lease. Emalyn is going to move in on December 30th and I'm pretty excited. We'll be living together through to May 2006. So this is kind of a big deal. I think things will really work out, though. I'll miss Tiff because she's been a really good roommate and definitely changed my mind about living with someone (after my bad roommate experience my first year of college). But I am happy for her, she deserves all this happiness.

I slept at Dustin's last night. I've been doing that a lot lately and I hope I'm not intruding at all. I really just enjoy being around him and especially last night really needed to be around someone with such an upbeat, silly personality. The change I'm making in my life right now is going to be REALLY hard. I know it's only been, like, a day but already I've been jumping back and forth so many times that it's making my head spin. I know that this decision is the right one but it doesn't make it any easier. It's SO HARD. I'm really bad at sticking to decisions like this. I'm really bad at holding back and letting go. Anyway... so I've been wanting to be around Dustin because he helps me to keep my mind of things and he makes me feel stronger. Plus... he's very quickly found a big spot in my heart and in my life. I'm really lucky to have such a good friend (not to overshadow the rest of my super awesome friends). I love to be around him because we get along so well, we just really click. So why wouldn't I want to spend a lot of time around him. Not to mention, as everyone knows, I have a super big crush on him. Hehe *girlish giggle* And I love sleeping with him (just sleeping, I'm not say having sex... I think whether or not we are is between us). Is so nice to fall asleep curled up in his arms and if I wake up during the night he's right there. I don't like to sleep alone... and the fact that I get to sleep with this guy who I think is pretty spectacular is just awesome. So I'll take it every chance I get.

Well, I have two hours till I have to leave for class and I still have bunches to do. So more soon!

First and foremost I want to thank a few people for being total *ROCK STARS*

What is a *ROCK STAR*? Kaitlin ( a girl I work with) and I came up with that one Sunday morning while we were hostessing together. A *ROCK STAR* to us is a server who let's us double seat them, will take another section, says thank you... does anything really cool and doesn't complain about it.

Well I am extending the term to anyone who provides a little bit of kindness is someone's time of need.

So here's to my *ROCK STARS*

Amber: I am SO LUCKY to have the coolest best friend in the entire world. To be able to call someone up while crying hysterically and have that person stay with me till I've calmed down is totally awesome. Thanks for listening and for being someone that I know will cheer me up and who stands up for me when I need it.

James: For reminding me that I shouldn't listen to someone who obviously puts on a mask. For showing me that I have too many awesome people in my life that care about me to deal with someone that doesn't deserve my time. And for being one of those aweosome people that care about me.

Ryan (yes my brother): For standing up for me and having my back, even if he is mean to me all by himself. Even though you can be an evil little brother at times, it's good to know when I need someone to stand up for me I've got you. Thanks little brother.

Dustin: For letting me stay at his place when I need to, for holding me when I need to be held, for showing me that there are still a few nice guys left out there. And for being the kind of person that is so utterly goofy that it's hard for me to stay upset for very long.

Okay... so that's that. I won't go into what went on last night because I've made the firm decision to move on. I'm restricting myself by living in the past and there are far too many good opportunities that I'm missing out on. So it's buried and done with.

So Monday night ended up being super fun even if Dustin, as usual, was being totally weird and psychotic. He, despite what he says, asked me to come over at, like, 4:30. We were sitting around bored when we decided to go see National Treasure. It was a REALLY good movie, reminded me in some ways of DaVinci Code. Plus it's NICOLAS CAGE, I mean, how can you go wrong? After the movie we went to Applebee's for 2 for 1's and happy hour. We had SUPER HOT buffalo wings, nachos... D had a beer and I had a bloody mary. I have to say it'll probably be the last bloody mary I ever have, tasted too much like tomato soup. But hey, at least I tried something new. Finally we went back to Dustin's, watched a movie, and fell asleep.

Last night was even more fun! Dustin went with me to Woodbury to pick up some stuff at the parentals' place. We got there and I realized some of the stuff I wanted was in boxes and Mom wasn't sure which boxes they were. So we decided to come back when Dad got home. Meanwhile, we headed to the pet store which ended up being a BAD idea. They had two TEENY little papillons, the kind of dog I want. SOOOOOOOOOOO prescious, I've decided I'm getting one as soon as I have the money. We got to hold one and it was SOOOOOOOOO cute, goodness. We got to play with these little puppies and now Dustin and I are dog obsessed, lol. I guess there are worse things in life. Afterwards we tried to go to Taco Bell for food but Dustin had no money on him and they wouldn't take my checkcard. I was super pissed and D found that totally funny. I did not. We went back to my parents', got the rest of the stuff I needed, and went back to RF for STEVE'S PIZZA. Much better than Taco Bell, that's for sure.

I'm getting kind of stressed about my marketing project. The last section I have to do is really hard and I was just not a happy girl. Once more I'll say I'll be happy when this semester is over.

And... yeah, I have a marketing meeting at 11:30. Joy. So time for a super quick nap before then. More soon.

If you like pina coladas
And getting caught it the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape

Hehe, I am in such a good mood and now I have to pina colada song in my head. It's making me think of the funny times with Kas standing around the cafe singing the same two lines of the song and then begging the music boys to help us fine the lyrics. Silly times with Kas... totally what makes me love her bunches!

Last night we got SLAMMED at work. I guess there was a choir concert on campus and it was just nuts at work. However, before things got crazy I played a little prank on Dustin. It wasn't nearly as good as the prank he played on me but whatever. See, on Sundays Dustin either works at 4 or 5 and he never bothers to check the schedule in advance to find out. So when he knows I'm working, and usually I come in before him, he'll text me and ask me when he works. Well last night he was schedules at 5 and when he asked me what time he worked I told him 4. So he saunters in a few minutes before 4. I'm sitting in one of the booths with Nickie and Sam, just gabbing and what not, and D walks back to clock in. Two seconds later he walks back to the booth and he's like, "Fuck you!" Lol.... whatever, I owe him. And it's not over, I still have to totally get him back. Dustin, look out! So yeah, but we did get slammed and it was nice when things finally calmed down. Ah work.... yeah.

The reason I'm in such a good mood today is because I got my advertising and poli sci papers back. I got a B on the ad. paper, which I'm psyched about because I really didn't put my all into it and I was worried I'd get a C. So I definitely won't complain with an 85. And I got a B+ on my poli sci paper which I'm ALSO psyched about because she's tough on grading and I did better than the rest of my table. I'm so proud that I'm actually working a little bit on my grades. Now I just have to turn in my marketing project on Thursday, which is going to be TOUGH GRADING and then there's just finals next week and the week after. And then FREEDOM! That's definitely something to be happy about!

Today's agenda has me writing one of my history papers (just a short little nothing paper, bleh... busy work) and pulling up the websites so I know exactly what I want to say in my advertising presentation (which doesn't count for a grade so I'm not too worried). Then I'm probably taking a nap and tonight Dustin and I are going out for drinks and 2 for 1's at Applebee's. Soooooooo yummy!

I'm going to work hard to lose a little weight. I'm going to try to eat only one big meal a day and to stop snacking so much. I really need to cut out some of the sweets I eat because I eat WAY too many. I've been going on an eating binge lately, probably because of stress. So here's hoping I can shed a few pounds and exercise a bit more.

ANYWAY... time to get some work done!

A *bolding* survey Which means anything I've done I'm supposed to bold. I'm also going to say a little something about them too.

001. I miss somebody right now. I miss my friends that are away from college. And my grandparents and aunts who I don't get to see for 18 more days
002. I watch more tv than I used to. I always have the TV on in the background, whether or not I'm watching it
003. I love olives. I only like black olives, actually. Either alone, on pizza, or on tacos
004. I love sleeping. I love it. But I don't get to do it nearly often enough
005. I own a home.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses. I'm SUPPOSED to wear them. Generally I don't
007. I love to play video games.
008. I've done something illegal. Speeding. Jaywalking. Yeah
009. I've watched porn movies.
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. I'm sure Rich claims I am one
012. I like my handwriting.
013. I have acne-free skin.
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
015. I curse frequently. I'm trying so hard to cut it down, though
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. I believe that I have. I think it has a lot to do with being away from home and deciding I'm not dealing with people's crap anymore
017. I have a hobby. Writing, photography....
018. I've been to another country. Sadly only Mexico
019. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
020. I'm really, really smart.
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones. Not that I know of, anyway
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. And I definitely don't plan on revealing it now!
023. I love rain.
024. I'm paranoid at times. Considering half my friends like to talk about me behind my back. And no, that isn't me being paranoid, I have good sources that back it up
025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. What can I say... I'd love to have a smaller nose
026. I need money right now. Hell yeah, it is Christmas time
027. I love sushi.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes. Lol, yeah, generally when I'm excited and hyper
029. I have fresh breath in the morning.
030. I have semi-long hair.
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas. And it was worth it.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister. I have a 19 year old brother named Ryan
033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
034. I shave my legs. When I fel like it, anyway
035. I have a twin.
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D. No kidding, thank God for being able to screen your calls
038. I like the way that I look.
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months. Not that I'll say what or why
040. I know how to do cornrows.
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings. Yeah, whatever
043. I think prostitution should be legalized. Only because we could tax it, make it legal only in certain places, make it safer (mandatory checks for STI's and what not)
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
045. I have cheated on a significant other.
046. I have a hidden talent.
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I've been sexually intimate with less than ten people. The magic number is 3
049. I am currently single. And not entirely happy about it
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex. On the cheek, if that counts
051. I enjoy talking on the phone. Depends on the day
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
053. I love to shop. But I generally don't have the money for it
054. I would rather shop than eat. Hehe, I do love to shop!
055. I would classify myself as ghetto.
056. I'm bourgeoisie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I'm obsessed with my diary!
058. I don't hate anyone. A certain guy named Ryan (not my brother)
059. I'm a pretty good dancer.
060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington. (I actually don't know enough about this to have an opinion
061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone. And I'd die without it
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis. Usually it's on in the background
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I've rejected someone before. Doesn't make me feel good about it
069. I currently have a crush on someone. He may be reading this so I'd rather not say who!!!
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future. Two, probably, or three
072. I have changed a diaper before.
073. I've had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails. Only when I'm stressed
075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly. Just the usual stuffy nose during certain seasons
077. I have a lot to learn.
078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message. I love the net, hehe
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have been rejected by someone. Especially recently
084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
085. I own the "SOUTH PARK" movie
086. I have avoided work to play computer grames
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
088. I enjoy country music. Only new stuff
089. I love my best friend. She's like a sister to me
090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. Nah, that goes to either Steve's Pizza (thanks D) or Za-Za's
091. I watch soap operas whenever I can. Only Days of Our Lives
092. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist. In my own special way
093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
096. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. 098.
I have dated a close friend's ex.
099. I'm happy as of this moment. Somewhat, anyway
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. Had a crush on somebody you have never met.
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't. Oh yeah, made that mistake more than once
103. I play a musical instrument.
104. I strongly dislike math. Strongly dislike is too nice. I downright HATE math!
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now. Writing papers and studying
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."
108. Cheese quesidillas rock my socks.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "The O.C." Hell yeah I am, it's about the best show EVER.
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up. Yeah, I kind of wish Never Never Land was a real place
112. I am an entirely different person around different people. Only between people I know and don't know
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
114. I think ramen is one of the best foods in the whole world.
115. I am suffering of a broken heart.
116. I am a nerd. And damn proud of it!
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
118. I am left handed and proud of it.
119. I try not to change who I am for someone.
120. My heart resides below my feet.
121. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with. And oddly enough, I don't regret it. It's good sex!
122. I enjoy smoothies. Mmmm heck yeah
123. I have had major surgery. Had my appendix out and a breast reduction
124. I have adopted a pet from the SPCA.
125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.
126. Some people call me by a nickname. Princess, Shorty, Pixie, Kussy (don't ask)
127. I once stole a music stand.
128. I like pumpkin pie. What's Thanksgiving and Christmas without it?
129. I love NASCAR!
130. I own over 200 CDs.
131. I work 7 days a week.
132. I have mono.
132. I don't have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.
134. I'm still in my PJs.
135. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.
136. I have a tendency to fall for the wrong guys/girls, or have them fall for me, so I can't help but reciprocate.
137. I'll try anything three times.
138. Done drugs other than alcohol or cannabis.
139. I'm having trouble sleeping. I suffer from insomnia every now and again
140. I am a cuddler. I LOVE to cuddle, it's one of my favorite things
141. I love John Waters films. I don't know which films are his so I couldn't say
142. I have made a pornographic videotape
143. Sloth is my favorite deadly sin.
144. One of my boobs is bigger than the other My left one is slightly bigger than my right
145. i want desperately to lose weight I definitely want to lose the 11 pounds I've gained since May
146: My parents are both still living and married to each other.
147. I love Broadway and not ashamed to admit it.
148. I am a redhead.
149. I'm a figure skater.
150. I've been going out with my bf/gf for over a year.
151. I love the computer card game "Free Cell"
152. I'm a band geek and not ashamed to admit it.
153. Punk rocks! Sure, why not?
154. I've been in a mosh pit.
155. I'm a good singer.


WOW! Thank God that's done! Time for work...

What is it about liking someone that makes you act like a complete idiot?

For me, I end up trying far too hard, acting like a totally emotional idiot and most likely making a fool of myself. I don't think I really actually learned how to just tell someone I like them, have them say they like me back... and have that be that. I either like guys that only date younger women (and in those cases I always happen to be a few months older than them), or I like ex-boyfriends, who chalk me up as being someone that I'm normally not (except around them I turn into a completely psycho), or going for someone that just wants to be my bud (and then I end up ruining the friendship and feeling miserable because I'm out a guy that could have made the best boyfriend). What the hell?

Maybe I'm the only one that acts silly like this. I don't mean to. I start out saying, "Okay Krysten, keep the self disclosure to a minimum." But what if you just feel comfortable with someone? Or what if you already know that someone? What if you're finally ready to come clean with that someone, only to be told that it really doesn't matter? Because you, Krysten, are an overdramatic, emotional, psychotic little girl who definitely does not stand up against girls even your own age, let alone the ones that are older.

Hello, my name is Krysten and I am overdramatic and overly emotional.

What can I say? It's not like I don't admit it, I totally do. I don't mean to be that way and it has nothing to do with how many years I've been away from high school. I think maybe the reason I am the way I am has to do with my idea of relationships. While I don't claim to be much of a novelist I have created a few stories in my day and they generally have to do with the girl falling for the boy and everything being really dramatic to build up to the happy ending. I guess I never let go of the expectation that life is like that. But life is definitely not like that. However, when I am in love with someone I have a hard time remembering that. If things are just good and calm then something must be wrong because how can things ever just be good and calm? Something must be wrong.

Is this some kind of psychological problem? I doubt it. Really I think I should have probably not grown up reading the books I read. I wouldn't have such odd expectations of my relationships.

I hate to say that I regret things. I didn't want to have the kind of life in which I'd regret things. But I honestly have to say I regret the expectations I've had. Because they've severely screwed me up.

Damn right I'm sorry. Too bad that honestly probably won't save me now.

I'm pretty bummed out right now. Actually, no, I'm kinda feeling really bummed. You know how you work yourself up for something and it's not that it doesn't go your way... it's that it doesn't happen at all? And you know you still have time to do what you want to do but you're a little worried you might not have the courage? Yeah. I actually sit and cried for a few minutes and I hate that. I shouldn't even be so bothered except that I am. I feel like I keep getting the brush off about a million things and my hopefulness keeps getting me hurt. I don't know.

Work. What can I say about work? I went in feeling totally happy and spunky. I was in a great mood. And even though we were super busy it wasn't too bad. But then I got stuck at the register for a LONG time and started to run out of quarters. So I asked Randy if he'd get me some. He was seating people but there were no tables open so I figured he had a minute. Well he walks by me and goes "You know you can get money too." He said it all snotty and I'm thinking, "Well I would if I could get away from the register for two seconds." Like what do I look like, Super Hostess? Well, the rest of the afternoon went will till about 4:30. This server, Loretta, has been such a bitch lately. Tonight she came in at, like, 4:40 and second later we get a group of 19 in. Well I was helping the server who took the table get all the drinks ready. So Loretta, who wasn't even on the clock till 5, asks if I can get her tickets and I said sure but would she get drinks for me. And she goes, "Well I'm not on the clock." So I told her then no, helping the customers was more important. And she stalks off muttering about what a bitch I am. Like... why can't she help? I clocked out about 20 minutes later and was talking with Dustin. Well, the phone rang and I answered even though I wasn't on the clock. Why can't you be helpful? Why do people think I'm negative? Well take a look at how I get walked all over? Why should I take everyone else's shit?

I think Kas might come over tonight. I'm just not feeling great and I'm pissy on top of it. I don't want to see boys. I mean, no offense to those of you who are great guys and who I totally adore. I just need a girl friend right now. Yay, and she just called and is on her way. Awesomeness.

I'm tired. I guess I'll end this entry. I'm lame, I know. More soon.

Another new home for me. Why? Well first off, I have an issue sitting for a long amount of time. Hence the reason I have problems going to classes even if they're only 55 minutes long. Second, once more I am tired of certain people reading my words, especially since they think that they can say anything they want about me. Words do hurt. Keep that in mind.

I am at a vital point right now. I feel big changes coming on. Could I possibly be over He Who Must Not Be Named (sorry, had to throw in a Harry Potter reference)? Could I even more possibly have a super big crush on someone else? That is HUGE because I have been in love with Him for over two years. But this new boy... he is something special. Also... I'm losing quite a few friends right now. What bothers me is that they just get mad at me, don't bother to TELL ME they're mad, and then get more mad when I don't realize they're mad. I'm not a mind reader. However, I feel like I'm doing some winter cleaning. I don't want people in my life that aren't going to treat me with some respect. So losing these people doesn't really bother me. Because, really, it's their loss.

I do not have all too much to say at the moment. I'm am exhausted and really need sleep. But I promise more soon.