Fate Is Dreaming

2010-01-13T13:21:00.000-06:00

Near Death

2007-05-30T13:03:00.000-05:00

Oh my God. My mom totaled her car. And had she not been wearing her seatbelt, she could be dead. She called me just now to let me know what happened. She was driving home from the gym last night. She went to put something into her purse. The car started to drift and it hit the gravel on the side of the road. Her car fishtailed and crashed into a tree. She's okay. She had to get taken to the hospital in an ambulance and the car is completely ruined. But she's okay. But God, that's about the scariest call ever. She called from Dad's cell and you could just tell in her voice something happened. I thought maybe something had happened to Grandma or Dad. God. This is a lesson to everyone: PLEASE WEAR YOUR SEATBELTS.

Thank God she's okay.

Saying Goodbye Soon

2007-05-28T09:33:00.000-05:00

Where to begin? Well I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that I talked to Andrea, the manager of the Hudson 'Bou, and she definitely wants me to transfer out to her store! Yay! So Chris did actually talk to her and all that good stuff (thank God, he didn't seem like the type to get anything done). She's really hurting for shift managers right now which is GREAT for me! The bad news is that soon I will be leaving all my wonderful co-workers and wonderful regulars. That makes me sad, I've been with the Highland Caribou for two years (as of June 13th) and it's going to be hard to say goodbye to everything. But I'm really excited to be at Hudson AND to not have to do the 45 minute drive anymore. Yay!

D and I went to see Pirates last night and it was AMAZING! I'll definitely have to see it again because there was so much going on that I'm sure I missed a lot. And I'm a smidge unhappy with the ending but what can you do? Orlando Bloom is YUMMY and it definitely want not hard to watch him for almost 3 hours, hehe. Of course, it was a little creepy seeing Keith Richards. He makes a good pirate though, lol.

I GOT MY HAIR CUT! Up until about an hour before I wasn't sure if I was even going to do it. It's taken about two years to grow out my hair as much as I did but I was getting tired of it. I really think my hair does better when it's shorter. So now it's shoulder length and I really love it! Once it's colored it's going to look perfect, I'm so excited!

As for books, I'm re-reading book 5 from the Harry Potter series. I was to re-read the last two books so that I can be ready when the 7th book comes out. I also plan on watching the first 4 movies so that I can be ready when the 5th movie comes out too. I am so excited and at the same time I'm a little sad. I've been reading this series since high school and it's hard to believe that once this book comes out THAT'S IT. I know I'm going to be a sense of loss once it's over with. At least I have two more movies to look forward to, hehe.

Also, I take back what I said about Maroon 5's new CD. I probably just had to listen to it more than once but I LOVE it! So there!

Anyway.... I'm working a 1 to close AGAIN today, grr. So I have to hurry up and eat lunch (even though it's only 10 AM). Bleh.

More soon!

Okay, Okay, More

2007-05-23T09:36:00.000-05:00

Well.... I feel a little bit better now. Seriously yesterday I just felt like I was having some kind of breakdown. And I still don't feel like EVERYTHING'S better but at least I'm not crying.

I don't know what to do about the money stuff. I'm so bummed out because lately it's been every time I turn around I have to pay for other crap. What happened to the days where your money simply went to fun things? Now it's like I have no money for anything other than bills, rent and gas. It sucks. And for awhile now I've been so looking forward to getting my hair done. And I know I can get the money to do it but then I'll still be worrying about money. God I just want to get to the point where I don't have to worry so much. I feel like I'm 60 instead of 23. I'm going to worry myself straight to an early grave.

I also kind of talked to Dustin. I guess I just feel like we've been talking and talking and talking about getting engaged and I feel like he isn't taking it at all seriously. He tells me he's ready and he has things planned but I don't understand when this planning is going on. I'm about 95% sure he hasn't bought a ring yet simply because I almost always know where he is and he's not the greatest at faking me out. It just stresses me out. I don't like not having any of the control, it bothers me SO much. I guess I just want it to happen so that I can have the control back. I guess that makes me sort of a control freak but I've always been that way! I can't help myself!

In better news, Maroon 5's new CD came out yesterday and I'm watching them right now on Ellen. It's different. I mean, it's so hard to not compare their old CD to their new one. Their new one is SO much different! I have a feeling I'll really end up liking it but I think it's going to take time. However, Adam (lead singer, DUH), is SO FREAKING CUTE. I'm still really sad that their drummer, Ryan, is gone because I was a little in love with him. Hm.

Anyway, I have more to say but I think I'll do it later. I'm still having some friendship issues. I guess I'm just feeling a little left behind from everyone. So hopefully I'll get over that.

More soon.

Sad.

2007-05-22T10:02:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Seems all I can do is see all the bad points of my life and for some reason it looks like they outweigh the good. I'm sitting here crying for no reason... or maybe it's all the reason. I don't know.

Money has me so stressed out. It's like whenever I feel like I have everything under control all these things happen and suddenly I'm out of money again. Molly needing to go to the vet, a speeding ticket, and now I have to pay $100 to register for classes. Just when I was going to go out and spend some money on myself, to get my hair done, something I've always really wanted to do... I can't. Because all these things are adding up. I just wanted to do something really nice for me. I never buy the expensive clothes because I feel bad, so I settle for the clothes that are only so so because they cost less. I dye my hair from a box because it costs less, even though it doesn't look as great. I buy generic body wash and vitamins. Just to save a little money but then I turn around and my birth control costs $75! It's like I can never win!

On top of it... I guess I feel kind of unloved. I know I've gotten myself so wrapped up in Dustin and marrying him and now I have all these impossibly standards. I just.... thought it would have happened by now. Every day I come home wondering if today will be the day... and then it's not. And I can't be pushy and I can't ask him and I have no control at all over the situation. But why doesn't he ask me? Is there something wrong with me? First I thought it would happen over spring break but that turned out to be a trip that didn't at all involve just the two of us. I kept thinking soon soon soon.... and it's turning into never never never. And then I asked him and he told me school had him stressed out and he didn't want to do it before finals. So then I thought after finals! But now he's starting a new class this week.... and it still hasn't happened. And all I can think is that maybe he doesn't love me anymore and maybe he doesn't want to ask me so now I'm sitting here crying and I'm going to look like hell for the rest of the day and I just want to get a fucking gun and shoot myself in the head and it's all my fault. I have never felt so unbelievably insecure in our relationship as I do right now. I thought he loved me. But now I'm not so sure.

And on top of it all I feel deserted by my friends. They're too busy, we miss each other's calls, I leave messages for them online that go completely unanswered. I could really use a friend right now but everyone seems to wrapped up in everything else. I'm being ditched for people I don't like..... I just hate it. I miss my friends and I really need advice but no one is ever around. I feel so alone. Everyone else has their perfect lives and I have a life that's falling apart.

I'm so sad. I'm so incredibly, heart breakingly sad. I just want to sit here and cry my entire heart out.

Complain Complain

2007-05-15T11:32:00.000-05:00

Don't be scared to fly alone
Find a path that is your own
Love will open every door
It's in your hands, the world is yours
Don't hold back and always know
All the answers they will unfold
What are you waiting for
Spread your wings and soar

Sometimes I get so tired of people that complain about every single thing that is wrong in the world. I had a friend who posted on Myspace today who is all upset because people are doing the "No Gay Day" today. He's upset because supposedly people are too wrapped up in that and yet not wrapped up enough in other social issues. Yes, it makes me sad that things such as Gay Rights are not as big a deal as maybe they should be. But sometimes I feel like people in the gay community assume that they are the only ones in the fight for equal rights. I would LOVE for gay marriage to be legal. I don't understand why it is that gay marriage isn't equal, it makes no sense to me. Two people that love each other should be able to get married no matter what their sexuality. However, I do have a problem with people thinking that because I am straight that I can possibly support something like that. And because I'm not going to put gas in my car today that means I am paying less attention to other issues. I didn't realize that my focus could only be on one issue and one issue only.

Anyway.

We have this meeting at work today which should be fairly comical. I had to go into work on my day off on Sunday to help Martha because the store was so crazy. I don't understand why it's so hard to schedule one extra person for a few hours so that Sunday can go more smoothly. And when I talk to anyone other than Martha about it they act as if I have no right, that because I'm a closer I'm not allowed to be mad. I get the whole, "oh it's slower at nights, you can get everything done." Um... then why isn't that stuff on the CLOSING LIST and not on the AFTERNOON LIST. I am tired of getting pushed around and treated like I don't deserve the same rights as everyone else. I plan on asking Chris to get my transfer underway so that I can get to my new store a.s.a.p. Hopefully my new store will be better run and I won't get treated like I don't matter.

I truly can't wait to get back to school. I can't wait till Caribou isn't such a big part of my life. Two years ago when I applied to Caribou and had the idea that I wanted to be a store manager I didn't realize how much a job like Caribou can drain you. I am drained. I don't like going to work. My body hurts from the work that I do. It just isn't fun anymore. I never wanted that for myself. I want to get my degree and I want to work in a job that, yes, may be hard work but is also rewarding. I don't want to be someone that is stuck in some hell hole job because I didn't go to school and that's all I can get. I'm not trying to be rude to people that aren't going to school and to people that are okay settling for those kind of jobs but I want MORE than that.

Anyway, speaking of my job I should go get ready for yet another night.

More soon.

That Whole School Thing

2007-05-03T09:55:00.000-05:00

Eep, I always have a time where I can't find anything to write about and now is one of those times. I always wish that my life was more exciting so people would read my blog and be all, "Holy cow, that is craziness!" Then again, I think I'd be much more tired than I already am if I had such an exciting life.

Some big news is that I was officially allowed back into school as a Monday. I went to meet with the associate dean of the College of Arts and Sciences at 9:00 AM. Scary man, I'm not sure I even caught his name because I was tired and a bit nervous. We pretty much talked about why I left school, what I've been doing since I left, and what I'm going to do differently this time around. So i guess I should put that out here, since I never did fully explain myself to anyone:

I left school for a few reasons. Frankly, they didn't want me there. I never went to classes because they bored me and so I didn't do too hot. A lot of this had to do with the fact that my marketing major wasn't nearly as interesting as I thought it'd be. Also, my parents, whether they knew it or not, put a lot of pressure on me and rather than trying to come out on top I just let the pressure push me down. I feel like an idiot because I could have gone about this in a completely different way than I did and because of it I'm going to be a lot older than I want to be when I graduate college. Then again, I never was quite like everyone else.
Since school I've been working full time, as everyone knows. I do like my job but I also don't like it. I think I work so much that I've forgotten about the important things about my job and that's sad. I've come to realize that a lot of the corporate people at Caribou are the same way. I mean seriously, do the guests really care if the light bulbs are dusted every day? No. They care whether or not I make them a perfect cappuccino. I'll be staying with Caribou when I go back to school (although I'll be transferring to a different store) but I definitely think I've been jaded.
I really do think that after taking so much time off from school I'm ready to go back. I did this all on my own this time and I won't have my parents' financial backing. I like the feeling of being independant on this and that means I'm counting only on myself. I know what I want this time and life doesn't have me so confused this time. I want to do well, I want a degree and I'm doing this for me only, not for anyone else.

So there you have it.

I have some other good news too. We have a new kitty! Her name is Molly and she is BEAUTIFUL! We got her from Ellyn, the girl who moved into my old apartment in River Falls with Emalyn. Ellyn's boyfriend (or ex... I don't really know what they are to each other) didn't want Molly anymore and I didn't just want her to go to the Humane Society so we decided to take her. She's SO cute and she and Metro get along okay. Yesterday we took Molly to the vet to get fixed and to get her vaccinations. I figured she'd be out of it for awhile but after sleeping all day yesterday she is pretty much back to her old self. Amazing!

Also, I am planning a major girls weekend in June which I am SO excited for! We're going up my Mom and Dad's for the weekend and it's just going to be amazing! I've invited Amber, Elisa, Nina, Taryn and Jill. So it should be a pretty great time!

Anyway.... that's my update for now. More soon, I'm sure!

One Of Those Days

2007-04-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

I am SO FUCKING SICK of certain people at work. I'm tired of it. I am one of the people that has been at that store the longest (with the exception of Claire) and yet I get treated like crap by someone who is a total idiot.

Ellie. God I am starting to hate her. She's a busy body, she's nosy, she acts like she knows everything and like she's the boss of everyone and everything. I can't stand it anymore. I'm tired of having to be nice to her because it's work and I don't want to cause trouble. I just want to shake her and tell her she can't always have her way and she doesn't have to act like such a goddamn bitch when she doesn't get her way.

I'm not even going to go into all the reasons why I can't stand her. I will name a few recent things, though:

Sunday I come into work and, big surprise, nothing's done. It's not a surprise because Ellie spends so much time in the back room talking to Chris and Jake that she can't seem to get her real work done. So then she's in back looking at the schedule and realizes that on Thursday she's scheduled to work at 2 (I'm in from 2 to close). Well she's all pissy because she's supposed to work at Lund's at 12:30 and she supposedly told Chris that. I tell her to call Martha to see if maybe she can come in from 12 to 2. Martha can't so then she calls Chris, who tells her somehow it will get figured out. Meanwhile I go out front to start doing all the work she didn't do. Travis and Danny are there and then Ellie walks out. She asks if I can possibly come in at noon instead of 2. I tell her I'll come in at 1 but I don't want to do a noon to close... that means I have to leave here at 11 and I'm not back home until 10. There's no way. She pulls the "I'd do it for you" card which is BULLSHIT because I know she wouldn't. I tell her no, I'll come in at one but not noon and not 12:30. So right away she gets this fucking attitude with me and acts like it's my fault that she got scheduled wrong and how dare I not work 9 and a half fucking hours and be away from home for 11 and a half. UGH! She does this right in front of Danny and Travis and customers.
The other reason I'm so frickin' annoyed is today. We had a manager meeting about certain things coming up in the store. When we were done talking about that Chris asked if we had anything else to say. Ellie and Jake kept coming up with all this extra stuff for the night crew to do and it was making me mad because it already falls on us that if the morning crew doesn't finish their tasks then the night crew has to do it. So I say that it'd be nice if the morning crew could pay more attention to their tasks so that it doesn't overlap for the night crew. I explained that yesterday was ridiculously busy and that not a whole lot was done and I ended up having to keep Travis for an extra hour so that I could play catch up. Ellie IMMEDIATELY gets defensive and says that she did too get things done and that it was hard because it was so busy. Well no duh you stupid bitch, it was just as busy when I came in and I got all my stuff done PLUS yours. UGH! Martha, Chris and Jake were just like "Woah" as if there was going to be a cat fight, which pisses me off SO MUCH because I wasn't bitchy about it at all, so why does she have to be?

I can't stand it. I am so sick of her acting like she's my boss when she doesn't even do her job well. She thinks she's little miss princess and she can do whatever she wants and nothing she does is wrong. It sucks!

UGH!

Okay, I'm done with my rant now. I just really needed to vent because I am so tired of being treated badly. It really upsets me and gets to me. I know it shouldn't but I feel like I don't get treated with the amount of respect that I deserve and a lot of that is because Ellie makes it seem like she's so wonderful when she isn't.

And on top of that Dustin scared me to death tonight because he wasn't home and wasn't asnwering his phone.

It's just been one of those days.

More (hopefully better stuff) soon.

It Takes A Little Time

2007-04-19T19:42:00.000-05:00

As always it takes me awhile to write. I keep meaning to and I've even started a few times but for some reason I just can't finish. I've been too wrapped up with work and life that I can't seem to get my thoughts in order!

This week there was a school shooting at Virginia Tech and it just makes me SO SAD. I've been watching and watching the news and reading the newspapers and I just cannot understand. This kid was screwed up and because of it 32 people are dead. I have a friend who says "those are 32 deaths out of how many that happen EVERY DAY that are not reported about." True. But these are deaths that shouldn't have happened. They are deaths that could have been avoided. I want to hate this person and yet feel sorry for him at the same time. I'm angry that he couldn't seek help, that he just sat there and let it all build up until it finally exploded. However life is hard and it does suck. And what could have been going through his head to make him want to murder people like it's absolutely NOTHING. It's sick. It's so sick. What must his parents be going through? I'm just sad that our world is like this and sometimes it feels like nothing can be done to change anything.

Work has been... work. We have a new boss, Chris, and so far he seems okay. He's no Tracy but he's definitely no Hank (ex boss from Borders that I feel an extreme anger toward for how he treated me). So far I think everyone's just trying to settle a little bit. The thing that has made me really appreciate him is that yesterday he actually went over next week's schedule with me to make sure that the hours and days he's given me are okay. He didn't need to do that. It was so nice that he did.

So the boss is nice but there is a coworker that I'm starting to get angry with. Ellie. Usually I just put up with her but... I don't know. The last time I worked with her at all she spent all her time in the back, as always, talking to Jake while I was out front by myself. It's annoying. When I come in to close and she's been working the mid shift she claims it was too busy for her to get her crap done. Well maybe that's because she too freaking busy in the back and not doing her job. AND YET who gets to go to a shift supervisor meeting next week? Ellie does. She doesn't deserve it. Jake does. And I feel like I do. Martha does. We all do our jobs. Ellie can't seem to get it together but she's enough of a busy body to push herself right in. And it makes me really upset. But I'm too nice to say anything to her. It just sucks. I really can't wait until I transfer and until I'm only working 20 hours a week and I don't care so much. I'll graduate and get my degree and then all this stupid stuff won't matter so much. Right now, though, it hurts.

This past weekend Dustin and I hung out with Rich and Nina. Some people just think that's BIZARRE considering that Rich is my ex and that Nina is his girlfriend. And yeah, it is a little bizarre. But I think very highly of Rich and I would have been sad to lose him from my life completely. And Nina is amazing. I seriously can't believe how quickly we've become such good friends but it's just GREAT. We had such a good time this weekend (I won't mention Dustin's and my little fight) and I am so grateful for the friends I have!

For now I'm still plugging away and just trying to live my life the best way I can.

More soon!

Dreams

2007-04-12T08:47:00.000-05:00

I don't understand what is wrong with me and why I feel the need to dwell on people who aren't in my life anymore. It doesn't happen with everyone.... I don't really care about James or Lewann or what not.

Lately, though, I keep having dreams about Josh. Not bad dreams, I would never leave Dustin for Josh and I don't regret not staying with Josh in a romantic sense. I made some bad decisions when it came to Josh but the one thing I know is that we did not make a good couple. However, for some reason I am still sad that we stopped being friends. He did a horrible thing by listening to Kim when she told him to stop being friends with me. Then again, I did a horrible thing by leaving him to go back to Rich (which lasted about 2 weeks before Rich screwed me over AGAIN). It's just screwed up. Josh made is crystal clear that not only does he not want to be my friend but he also pretty much hates me. I'm not entirely sure what I even did to make him feel like that. We were friends again and he forgave me for what I did. Whatever it is, he turned so cruel and so unlike the Josh that he used to be.

But I keep having dreams that he and I run into each other and make up. I wake up feeling sad that there is absolutely nothing I can do. I also feel mad at myself because I shouldn't want his friendship. And the only time I really think about him anymore is when I have one of these random dreams.

I don't want to be his friend. He treated me badly and he did it simply because Kim was being a bitch (she had absolutely no right whatsoever to think that I wanted Josh back, I know I didn't act like that because I never wanted him back). I wish I could just make these dreams go away because they tend to haunt me for the rest of the day after I've had them. It's just so frustrating!

Aside from that, life is life. We went to my cousin Mandy's wedding this past weekend and it was a lot of fun. My whole family loves Dustin, especially when he brought out his craziness. He definitely fits and that makes me so happy. We danced the night away and it was good. Plus I got my Vienna hot dogs and that's always a good thing, hehe.

This weekend I have THE ENTIRE WEEKEND OFF (this includes FRIDAY)! I'm doing a little shopping on Friday and pretty much just relaxing after having to deal with a semi stressful work week. Saturday I want to clean our place up a little bit and Nina and Rich are coming over (yay yay yay yay). We're going out to the bars and I'm so excited because it's going to be so much fun, I can just feel it! And Sunday most likely we'll all just be hungover!

As for work, we've got some good news. We're finally going to have a manager again. His name is Chris and he's worked at another store before, which is good because at least things won't totally fall apart the first few weeks when he tries to figure everything out. I'm still nervous because who knows how things will go back at least we're going to get on somewhat stable ground. I guess we'll see what happens.

AND. I bought my first bridle magazine yesterday, hehe. Actually Dustin bought it for me! It's fun to look through it and get ideas and it's fun.

Anyway, must get ready for work. More soon!!

Changes

2007-04-04T10:40:00.000-05:00

I haven't written much because I've been working so much that I don't exactly have a whole lot to say. It's weird not having Tracy at work anymore. The schedule is a little weird and it's weird having Jake giving the orders. There isn't that something extra that Tracy brought to the table. Ellie is walking around acting as if she owns the place. I have a hard time dealing with her. She's been there, what, a few months? She acts like she's been there longer than anyone and she has every right in the world to tell everyone what to do. Jake is trying him best but I'm sure he's not in the world's best position. And no matter who takes Tracy's place it won't be the same. I am not trying to be negative about this, I just feel like I'm being realistic. I know it's just a job. But I take a lot of pride in my job. And now it kind of feels like it's all being turned upside down and that's so sad.

Yesterday I got my letter from River Falls. I don't know if I mentioned this or not but I re-applied. Well, the letter says that I need to write a letter to the dean of my college explaining why I left and then I need to make an appointment with the dean to discuss the letter. Dustin had to do exactly the same thing so I'm pretty sure this means I'm back in. Which means I just have to do this dean stuff and then figure out financial aid. It's scary! This is truly my last chance to do this right. When I told Mom and Dad they weren't exactly thrilled for me although I guess I don't know why they would be. I have to prove to them that this isn't just another thing that I will fail at. And I won't this time. So anyway, I'll probably transfer from my Caribou to the one in Hudson around July or August and then I will be back to school in the fall. And we will see how it goes.

Dustin still has not proposed. I'm kind of sad. I keep waiting and waiting and it feels like I'm going to burst! I don't like surprises. I want this so much but at the same time I don't want to be caught off guard by it. I'm just ready and ansty! I've been doing some research on planning a wedding and it's a BIG DEAL. And I want this to be an amazing wedding. We already kind of realized we'll have to give up the boat reception because

It's A LOT of money
You can't use your own caterer
You can't have CANDLES (so dumb!)

So now I need to figure things out. And I'm itching to do it! I just need to wait around for Dustin.

A lot is changing VERY fast. That's always been scary for me and it always causes me to freak out and shut down. I won't do that this time. I can handle this.

I hope.

More soon.

The Customer is NOT Always Right

2007-03-26T12:19:00.000-05:00

I originally posted this on the Caribou Coffee message board on Myspace but I felt the need to post this in my blog too. It's something that's been upsetting me all week.

I don't believe that the customer is always right. As someone who has worked in retail for a long time I've come across quite a few bad customers. They're the people that seem like they're out to make your job difficult. It's sad because there's not a thing you can do about it but smile and pretend like everything is hunky dory when inside you know they're wrong and you wish so much there was something you could do about it.

When I'm a customer in a store or restaurant I treat whoever is at the register or serving me with respect. I say please and thank you and am kind even if it's not the world's best service. I know how it feels to be having an off day and have someone treat me like I'm not even a human being because of it.

Here's the deal. I came back from a GREAT vacation and was all pumped to come back to work. My first night back I had a customer that pretty much brought my week down. My first day I got a raise AND found out one of my co-workers and I had scored 100% on a secret shop. I was flying high.

There's this woman in the store that has been there all day. She ordered a cappucino and I made her a perfect one. She then came back for a "refill" and I explained we don't give free refills on capps. She had a little bit of an attitude with me but eventually relented and bought a coffee instead. She sat there the whole night. My shift was 3 to close. During the night she came up to my co-worker and I were chatting as we worked. I was telling her how I'd been schedule 11 days in a row. I wasn't complaining about it, just stating a fact. Also that night I made a comment about how our mop felt heavier than usual. It was one of those things where I hadn't been there in awhile and stuff was just DIFFERENT. Anyway, the woman at one point came up to us and told us to be quiet. She was not polite about it, she practically told us to shut up. I apologized and we kept it down after that. When we close at our store I always give our customers a 15 minute heads up and then as I'm closing up I let everyone know it's time to head out. I did that and I went to lock the doors. This woman proceeded to sit on her phone and shoot me looks as I waited for her to leave. She finally waltzed out 10 minutes later.

Fine. So the next night I come in and my boss informs me that this woman (who was in our store AGAIN and had been there ALL DAY) complained to her about me. Said that I was complaining about my hours (which I did not, I simply said I was working a lot) and about mopping (again, I did NOT, I just said the mop felt heavier than it usually did). She said I was rude to other customers (ridiculous, 90% of our night customers are regulars and I adore them) and that I mopped over her shoes (do I even need to comment on how dumb that is). I explained to my boss what happened and she said she didn't take what the woman said to heart anyway because that woman had a HUGE chip on her shoulder and a horrible attitude. So my boss blew it off.

So the woman is in our store for the second day in a row. She tried to be all sweet and nice to me. My co-worker than night was helping her and I was in the middle of cleaning something so I didn't think there was any reason for me to speak to her. She tried to be all nice to me and I smiled and said hello. This woman tried to tell one of our regulars to be quiet (again she was rude about it) and this regular pretty much told her where to stuff it. I frankly couldn't see how this bad customer could have had any problem with me that night.

Now, days later, I come into work to find out that this b*itch (sorry, it's the only word I can think of to describe her) had written to corporate. Our DM sent the e-mail to my boss and then called her. My boss didn't read the e-mail because she already knew what had happened but the e-mail (which my boss let me read) pretty much painted this woman as Miss Perfect Customer and me as Miss B*tchy Barista. Our DM, not knowing any other info on the situation, suggested that my boss write me up. My boss explained that that is not the way things happened and that she wouldn't write me up.

Thank God my boss has faith in me and knows I wouldn't do the things that that woman said I did. But seriously, that letter made me feel horrible. I pride myself on my customer service but I also don't think it's fair for someone to be rude and mean to me. It also hurts because my DM has always liked me and now I feel like she thinks I'm not so great. I almost want to call her and explain things myself because I do not want her to think that I'm making the company look bad, I wouldn't do that.

This customer hasn't been in since but she's had a big impact on my life, sadly. I watch everything I do or say at work and I feel constantly on guard. And truly I don't think there's anything I could have done short of kissing her butt to have made things turn out any differently. She just had it out for me and because of that I now look bad.

Update!

2007-03-25T10:38:00.000-05:00

Okay so I'll write an entry even though there's not a whole lot to write about. Today is day six out of eleven days in a row that I'm working so it's not like anything else is really going on right now. It actually hasn't been horrible, partly because I'm not working all closes and partly because it just hasn't been too crazy at work. However, I'm still not all that thrilled that I'm working so much. It's Jake's fault since he's the one that made the last couple of schedules. I wasn't angry when this week's schedule came out and my only day off was Monday because I'd been on vacation for 10 days and whatever. But how fair is it to then only give me one day off NEXT week. Grr.

Plus I'm still bumming about Tracy leaving. I'm just so worried!!! When Tracy started as our manager things were pretty screwed up for awhile. And yeah, it could turn out the way it did with Tracy and we could end up loving this new person. But still, it's those months in the beginning that will suck and that's what's stressing me out. It will be different. And I don't like that kind of change. Bah! I know I just have to deal with it but I'm kind of in denial.

At least I have some awesome things to look forward to though. On the 5th Mom's coming to stay with us for the night so she can drive with us the next day to Illinois. I am SO psyched, lol. Neither Mom or Dad has seen our place since we moved in here PLUS it'll be some time that I can spend with just Mom. So it'll be good. And that weekend we're going to Illinois for my cousin Amanda's wedding. Dad got us a couple of hotel rooms which'll be nice so that we're not all sleeping on top of each other. Plus it's a family wedding which are ALWAYS fun, hehe.

The next weekend Nina and Rich are coming out here and we're going out drinking. It is going to be such bad news, lol, we're all going to be wasted. Hopefully some other people will come out too and it'll just be one big huge party. I've been looking forward to it since Nina and I came up with the idea. I took off the night that we're going out and then the whole next day because I'll probably be hungover.

And the last weekend in April we're hanging out with Amber and Jono. Amber will FINALLY be done with tax season and she'll finally have a life again. So we're going to celebrate! Yay to having my best friend back AND she lives closer.

So despite the few bad things going on in my life there are definitely some good things going on too!

Anyway, the weather is freakin' beautiful today so I'm going to go enjoy it! More soon!

Good News and Bad News

2007-03-20T23:18:00.000-05:00

So......

There's good news and bad news.

The good news is that I came into work today an hour early (on accident and that's not part of the good news) and Tracy decided to give me my year review (which is how I get a raise). There's three parts to it: the first part is Tracy asking me certain questions such as describing the perfect espresso shot, the 4 rules of resteaming milk, etc. The second part is hands on, me making three drinks for Tracy. And the 3rd part is just Tracy's opinion of how I'm doing. I scored SO well and ended up getting the biggest raise that I can get! It makes me feel SO good and happy to know I'm appreciated.

Plus, we got secret shopped on my last day before I went on vacation. I actually happened to be there and I ended up being on the secret shop MY FIRST TIME. I've always been scared to be on one because I'm scared that I'll score low and everyone will hate me. BUT Ellie and I got 100%! So yay to us, that just added to my good day.

The bad news is really bad, though. Tracy put in her two weeks. It's great for her because she's going to be starting her own business but I am SO SAD. Tracy is the best boss I've ever had and our store is so great partly because of her. I'm going to miss her so much because she's become a friend to me. Plus I'm scared about the new manager that will be coming into the store. I just have this bad feeling it's going to be an idiot or a jerk or just something bad. I know people have told me to try to be positive but it's hard for me. I feel like life as I know it at work is going downhill.

Hopefully UWRF will accept me back and I can transfer or something.

Anyway, off to bed. More soon!

Concert!

2007-03-20T00:36:00.000-05:00

Soooooooo I just had the perfect end to a really great "spring break." I put that in quotations because I technically don't get a spring break since I'm not in school, hehe.

I got to just laze around most of today, cleaning up our place, making myself pretty and reading a bit. It was nice, the apartment looks nice and I'm glad I made everything so spick and span before we left on our trip. I just had a few things to clean up today and now all is good (yes I am a neat freak).

I met up with Shelli in Woodbury at 4:30. I've known Shelli since junior high and we used to be super tight friends. She's a great girl who hasn't had the world's best life and she seems to be doing really well for herself in spite of that. We've kind of floated in and out of each other's lives over the years but I still count her as a good friend and I'm glad to have her as someone that "knew me when."

So we had dinner at Applebee's (delicious, I love their steak and mashed potatoes) and caught up which was SO nice because I haven't seen her in about 2 and a half years (God I can't even believe it's been so long, that makes me really sad). We got coffee and all that good stuff and then headed to see CHRISTINA AGUILERA!!!

The concert was GREAT! Danity Kane (sp?) and The Pussycat Dolls opened and both were really good. And Christina.... God, she is so freaking amazing! She's just beautiful and she had so much talent and she's just so inspiring! I'm so, so glad that I went! She sang all my favorites off her new album PLUS What A Girl Wants, A different version of Come On Over, Dirrrrty, Lady Marmalade and Fighter. SO good!

The only bad part of the night was the people sitting behind us, namely the guy in section 203, row 4 seat 3 (but also the women in seats 1 and 2). Loud and obnoxious and vulgar and, I'm pretty sure, drunk. They talked through the entire Pussycat Dolls set and all through Christina (which wasn't too bad unless it was a slow song and then I had to hear every word they said). PLUS they tried to sing along LOUDLY and BADLY. I mean seriously, I went to the concert and PAID FOR the tickets to I could see the acts on stage, not listen to bad, drunk karaoke. I ended up turning around and pretty much telling the guy to shut up. So, if you were that guy sitting behind us: I think you're a drunk asshole that obviously can't get yourself laid (considering you had to spend all your energy hollering at those girls). You need to learn when to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Ass.

ANYWAY! I want to thank Shelli for coming along and for taking the time out of her MN trip to hang with me. Shelz I am SO glad we got to see each other again and we seriously need to do it again. No more not seeing each other for years on end!

I'd also like to thank Christina Aguilera for putting on such an amazing show.

All right, time for bed. Back to reality tomorrow.

More soon.

Virginia

2007-03-15T19:06:00.000-05:00

So right this minute I am sitting in the world's COOLEST apartment in Richmond, VA. Well, maybe it's not the world's coolest apartment but it certainly is the coolest apartment I've ever been in (followed closely by Amber and Jono's). It's all hard wood floors, high ceilings and with a fireplace in every room. Amazing. I so wish I could steal it and bring it back with me, lol.

The trip so far has been okay. I don't want to go into the things that made me unhappy about it right off the bat because that would make it seem like I had no fun and I did. There were just a few things that were kinda lame. So I'm going to list them now and I'll get them out of the way and it'll be over with.

Shawn is starting to drive me crazy. I think it's the brother/sister kinda feeling but I'm going nuts. It bums me out a little because this originally was supposed to be my trip with Dustin and I kind of feel overwhelmed by boys.
Which brings me to my next point... we're staying with Dustin and Shawn's cousin Sean and HE'S driving me crazy. I just kinda don't like him. I don't know why but he's one of those guys that just BUGS me. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a total bitch too but whatever.
We have been to so many freakin' bars (because of Sean, one of the reasons he bugs me). I didn't come here to get a tour of bars.

Now that wasn't too bad, right?

The trip down here was actually okay. I bought a portable DVD player so it went by fast because I watched movies and season 1 of Party of Five. Plus I slept in the back of the van and what not. So not too bad.

On Sunday after we got here we went on a little tour and then to a few bars. Whatev.

Monday I got to watch the boys hit golf balls, then we played mini golf. By that time it was evening and we went to the bars. The first one we went to was kinda cool and it was fun. The second one we went to had pitchers of mimosas and I ended up getting a bit drunk. Ah well.

Tuesday was DC. Amazing. We drove by the Pentagon and I got to see the Washington Monument, The Capitol Building, The White House... plus many others. It was amazing. Afterwards we went to SURPRISE SURPRISE some bars and then into Georgetown, which is SO cool looking. We ended up at a bar called The Rhino which was actually sorta cool because that was the name of Dustin's old house, hehe. Plus the inside was sorta cool.

Yesterday we drove down to Virginia Beach. Beautiful. I put my feet in the water even though it was a tad cold and it was just cool... reminded me of being down in Florida when I was younger. I miss that. We ended up at a bar *rolls eyes* and then over to Dustin's cousin Kaycee's house (not sure how she spells her name but whatev).

And today just D, Shawn and I went into DC. Sean had to work which was sorta nice because I got to be away from him for a day. I do feel bad that he annoys me and I wish I knew what it was. I love the rest of D's family! I dunno. Anyway, we went to the National Museum of Natural History and saw the Hope Diamond. AMAZING! Afterwards we went to the National Archives. So creepy. It's just so totally weird to be looking at these documents that are so old and that are so important for our country. To see all those signatures on the Constitution. Crazy. Surreal. When we were done there we went to the Smithsonian Aviation Museum which was pretty cool. I'm not huge into airplanes or aviation but it was pretty exciting to see everything in there.

Tomorrow we're going to a museum here in Richmond and then out to the bars for an early St. Patrick's Day. And finally on Saturday we're heading home. It's been a very good vacation despite a few of the downs. However, I'm excited to be going home. I miss my home and my kitty and my friends. I even miss the 'Bou a smidge (mostly my co-workers, hehe).

ANYWAY! Must go, time for dinner. More soon!

Love from Virginia!

Goodbye!

2007-03-10T09:04:00.000-06:00

This will be a quick entry because I still need to finish packing and then buy some snacks for the road. I cannot believe we're leaving today! I can't believe that this week actually went by faster than I thought it would!

It's weird.... I can't even remember the last real vacation I went on. And granted we're staying with Dustin's relatives but I get to go away to somewhere new and somewhere I've always wanted to go! So I'm still calling it a real vacation. It kinda sucks being in this point in my life because I can't just go off on a whim to wherever I want. I definitely realize how much I took for granted my life as a "Woodbury girl."

Anyway, this'll probably be my last entry until we come back next week so I hope everyone has a really good week! I'll miss all of you and I'm sure I'll have lots of stories to tell and pictures to go with them when I get back! And I'll bet that I'll definitely need a girls night when I get home since I'll be spending all my time with boys, hehe. So keep that in mind!

Okay, time to finish packing. Bye all!!!

Lucky

2007-03-07T23:13:00.000-06:00

Okay this is going to be a totally random post because I'm hyper/tired (seriously, I am) and I'm just in this totally amazing mood which causes me to not have totally stable thoughts.

I had the BEST night tonight! And I've come to the conclusion that I truly have the best friends in the world. After the kind of hell I've been through with friends it's good to know that there are still some amazing people in the world.

I picked Jill up at her place because she's getting over foot surgery (the battle wounds are pretty awesome though). We met up with Nina and then Elisa at Maplewood. It was hysterical, I seriously felt like I was in junior high again (the good parts, not the awkward parts). We probably completely annoyed some of the salepeople but whatever, it was good times.

THEN we went to the Olive Garden where I'm pretty sure our server was having a not so fabulous night (but whatev, I forgive here). Oh it was fun, trying to plot all the things we were going to steal (wine, the salt and pepper shakers, plates, the ceiling). And, of course, the food was amazing as always! How can you go wrong at that place?

Finally we made a stop at McDonalds because shocker of shockers ELISA HAS NEVER HAD A SHAMROCK SHAKE. In fact ELISA HAS NEVER EVEN HEARD OF SHAMROCK SHAKES. I know, right? So we all got shamrock shakes and sat in the kiddie area and goofed around. Jill, of course, had to go climbing around in the tunnels and it was just a good time, plotting on what we were going to steal there and claiming that it was allowed because of Jill's handicap.

Oh it was just absolutely amazing! Elisa and Jill I've missed so much (especially Jill, I am SO SO glad we got back in touch) and Nina is such a fabulous person! I am SO so so happy with the friends I have right now and it just adds to all the good things I have in my life right now. I know I complain a lot and it's generally just because I'm stressed out but I know I'm damn lucky to have what I do in my life and I truly am grateful. These girls just help me to realize that and I'm really, really luckly to have so many people that I can count on.

ANYWAY! It's now 11:30 and I've been up since 5AM so I'm thinking it's about time for bed! We leave in 3 days and I still have TONS to do between now and then so I'll need lots of rest.

More soon!

Used To Be

2007-03-05T09:47:00.000-06:00

The things that happen after you stop being friends with someone.

You share all of each other secrets and as soon as the friendship goes sour suddenly those secrets are used against you. Suddenly the person you thought would be there forever isn't there anymore and all you can do is think of the next slam against them so that you come out on top.

I don't beat around the bush when it comes to ending friendships anymore. I've had friendships come to an end in the past that have totally killed me so I've come to realize that just snipping it off in one clean swipe is a lot easier than trying to slowly rip off a band aid.

However, I tend to live in the past. And when I relive the good times I sometimes wish that things hadn't gone down the way they did. True, there are some people that I never want to speak to again. They hurt me WAY too much and I see no goodness in the anymore. It's like the people they used to be disappeared and with it our friendship disappeared too.

Then there are the people where things just went wrong. I said the wrong thing at the wrong time. They did some things just to be hurtful. And suddenly we aren't in each other's lives anymore and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Because I tend to live in the past I remember when we were the best of friends. And it makes me sad. I kind of miss those times. And even though I will never admit it to these people I wish they knew that I miss who they used to be and who I used to be. Yes, I am proud of the woman I am today. But sometimes I miss certain things about the naive girl that I used to be.

More soon.

Lots To Do

2007-03-03T09:45:00.000-06:00

So I'm a little sick right now which is SO not good because I have way too much to do to let being sick stop me. I have a lot to get done before we leave for our trip (which happens a week from today).

I work every day from yesterday to Friday. Granted some of them are puff shifts (I work 7 to 12 one day and 12 to 5 another) it still means WORK. And on top of that work I still have to:

Finish getting the apartment clean
Get my hair trimmed
Dye my hair
PACK
Go to the bank
LAUNDRY!
Get a few new outfits for the trip
Major Target run

Not to mention that on Wednesday I'm having a little girls night... I'm hoping before we get together that night I'll be able to knock a few things off my list though.

I can't believe vacation is almost here! It seems we've been talking about it for so long and now it's actually going to happen. Jake made the schedule yesterday and my name isn't on it... so it's pretty much a reality now. I'm so excited! I am so so excited to go to DC and I am SO SO excited to just have time off to enjoy myself and enjoy being with Dustin. I am so hopeful that this will just be a totally fabulous trip!

But until then I have lots of work to do and I want it all done. So... less typing, more.... of everything else!

More soon!

Car Troubles

2007-03-01T00:13:00.000-06:00

I love how I can have a perfectly good night at work and then the drive home is SHEER HELL.

Now, I knew that the snow storm was coming tonight but I had to work! And considering we weren't supposed to get THAT much snow I figured that it would be okay. And it was okay for a little bit. But suddenly the snow was coming right at my car. I'm driving and I'm dizzy from the snow because I can't even figure out where I'm going. I didn't know where I was, where on the road I was.... it was hard to even tell if I was moving forward! And the SUVs were not any help. They come right up on your ass and act like they have every right to bully everyone around. It's BULLSHIT.

So the drive was bad enough. I finally get back into town and I'm thinking, "I'm home free!" I get to be RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER from home when my car stops running. I truly thought at first that the traction on my car was having issues and it was no problem. I barely even got to the side of the road.

Now I don't know what's wrong. It didn't run out of gas, it wasn't the battery and it's not the alternator. The boys (who were nice enough to come and help me) think it's the fuel filter. Frankly, I don't care. I am so tired of all the crap that happens with my car! If it's not the fuel filter it's the battery, if it's not the battery it's the brakes.... I'm just tired of it. It's got me so stressed out. This weather and my car have me SO STRESSED OUT.

I don't mean to complain so much. I just feel like every time I think life is good something bad happens. And I know other people have it worse than me but I just want things to be okay for once. Grr.

A few thank you's:

Dustin, thank you for coming to get me and dealing with me when I was super upset and taking it out on you.
Shawn, thanks for helping to push my car and continually helping me with my car drama.
Nina, thanks for being concerned and for chatting with me on the phone.
Rich, thanks for calling to check and make sure I'm okay.

Thanks all.

I'm Back!

2007-02-27T22:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back!

I haven't been posting on here because I started to use Myspace instead. I kind of liked the idea that I KNEW people were reading about me rather than just kind of wondering. I guess I kind of like the attention as sad as it is for me to admit it. But I've missed this, my home. And so, again, I come crawling back.

This will be kind of a list of an entry to explain all that's been going on in my life. So for those who are reading, enjoy!

Family: On the morning of December 15th my grandpa died. I didn't tell a whole lot of people because I wasn't sure how to deal with their reactions. I found out when I was at work. I was calling my grandma like I always do on Fridays and my dad's sister Robyn told me. I ended up having to work the rest of the night. It hasn't been good. I miss him SO MUCH and wish so much I would have taken more time to get to know who he was. And part of me still has a hard time realizing that I will NEVER see him again. Christmas was a hard time for my family, our first holiday without him. We had a memorial service for him in January. I'm so thankful for Dustin. He came with me and held me when I needed him to. I'm so so glad that Dustin got to meet him and got to see him before he got so sick. Ugh. I hate death.

Friends: I have lost some friends and gained back some friends and made some new friends.

Lewann and I stopped being friends shortly after the last entry I wrote on here. I was so upset about the holidays and about Tracy trying to take back the time off she promised me. I vented to Lewann, explaining that my grandparents weren't doing well and I needed the holidays off. She ended up telling me I'm selfish for thinking I deserve holidays off when other people don't get them off. I understand why she'd be upset because she probably had to work on those holidays. However, her family lives close enough that she can go home to them at the end of the day. If I work on the holidays I go home to nothing because my family celebrates the holidays in Illinois. And frankly, thank God I got Thanksgiving off because it is the last time I saw Grandpa alive and thank God I got Christmas off because I needed to be there with my family. It hurt to have Lewann act the way she did but frankly if that's how she truly is then I'm better off without her.

Nina and I met right around the time that I lost Lewann. I knew of Nina and she knew of me. Nina is dating Rich, my ex. When Rich and I started talking again and he told me that he had a girlfriend I wanted to hate her. I imagined someone that was closer to his age, someone who walked around thinking she was so much better. I imagined him telling her horrible stories about me and I couldn't understand why he treated her SO much better than he ever treated me. Then I found out that Nina is actually younger than me (she is a few months older than my brother) and that she and Rich have some of the same problems that he and I used to have. Anyway. One night after getting home from a GREAT night out with friends I ended up talking to Nina online. I thought she was Rich (they live together and his SN was signed on. I said hi and it turned out to be her on the computer). We ended up talking for a few hours that night and decided we had to meet. Since then we've hung out a handful of times, talked online A LOT and on Valentine's Day Nina, Rich, Dustin and I went out for dinner. Amazing. So so amazing and unbelievable. And the best part is I ADORE Nina. I couldn't have asked for a better person for Rich (now he just needs to shape up a bit so he actually deserves to have her). And hopefully Nina and I will continue to build our friendship and things will be good.

Recently Shelli, Jill and Heather all came back into my life. Shelli and I were friends since junior high but in September we had a falling out. We since started talking again and she'll be staying with me overnight next month and going to the Christina Aguilera concert with me! I can't wait for us to reconnect and hopefully grow close again. Jill and Heather are also friends from junior high that I lost touch with in college. They were the people I was out with the night I became friends with Nina. I'm so happy to have found them again and I hope so much that our friendship will grow.

Work: Yes, I am still at Caribou and still working pretty much full time. Despite all the holiday stuff I do love my co workers and my boss and the store that I work in. Tracy has been trying to find even more for me to do with Caribou and I am so grateful to have her as my boss. She makes my schedule at work so that it fits into my life with Dustin and that is more than I could ever ask for. Frankly, aside from a few small things I'm really thrilled with work right now, as odd as that is.

School: Yes, I am re-applying to school. Back to River Falls, to me exact. I've done so much thinking about where I really want my life to go and I truly can't see myself without a degree. I only have one life to live and I do not want to regret not going to school and getting my degree. So hopefully they will take me back and I will be back in school for the 2007 Fall Semester. And the other thing: I'm going back to my old major, Social Studies Secondary Education. I don't know why I switched to Marketing because I really don't see myself doing anything but teaching. So my plan is to go back to school while working part time at Caribou. And if after I graduate I can't seem to get a job then I'll going into MIT at Caribou and become a store manager.

Love: Ah yes. It's funny reading over the old entries of this blog and going back over all the turmoil of my love life. Dustin and I are doing wonderful. In a few weeks we're driving 20 hours to DC and staying with his aunt and uncle and sight seeing. After staying there a few days we're going to drive to Richmond to stay with his cousin for a few days before coming home. I am SO excited! It's going to be our first real vacation together and I'm so hopeful that it will draw us even closer together.

Oh... and no ring. Yet.

ANYWAY! I am EXHAUSTED right now. So more VERY soon!

Holiday Bummer

2006-10-24T14:11:00.000-05:00

I am so tired of arguing with people about the holidays. The entire issue has me totally stressed out. It's bad enough that I barely ever get to see Mom and Dad, let alone Grandma and Grandpa. But now it seems like everyone is on my case about it and that's got me really upset.

Maybe I am being selfish. But I do not want to miss out on what might be my last holidays with my grandparents. I cannot imagine not getting to see them, I cannot imagine being stuck here and having to work. So you know what, I'm selfish. I don't really care anymore and I am not going to apologize for it.

So to those of you that think I'm being a bitch about this or think that I don't have a right to be upset, then screw you. You obviously have no idea what my life is like right now and that doesn't make you much of a friend.

God I am so upset. Everytime I call my grandmother she sounds worse and it makes me so sad. And I don't even talk to Grandpa anymore. It's like they're slipping out of my life and there is nothing that I can do about it and that makes me SO SAD. And now on top of everything else I'm getting treated like crap by people that I thought we my friends. And I'm just so tired of it. I'm starting to hate the holidays because they're causing all these problems. Talk about bittersweet.

I Hate Tracy

2006-10-21T00:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to do anymore. If I wasn't getting insurance from Caribou I'd pretty much be saying a big "FUCK YOU" right now. I am so fed up with Tracy and corporate and all the bullshit that comes along with it.

Tonight when I got to work there was a note in my tip drawer from Tracy. To sum it up it pretty much said that I can't have off the holidays that I previously asked off for. It went on to say that it's unfair to everyone else that works at the store and that she just can't promise me those days. At the end of the note it said something like "Thanks for being so understanding about the well being of the rest of the crew here." I couldn't believe it. First of all, I requested those days off back in July. She's known for forever that I wanted those days off and she PREVIOUSLY OKAY'D THEM!!! Second, she's such a sarcastic bitch. Third, why the fuck would she okay those days if they weren't fucking okay with her?

So I called her and, of course, she didn't answer. I left a message telling her it was unfair of her to okay those days off FOREVER ago and then just go back on her word and if she was going to do that then I'd just quit because it wasn't worth it to me.

Obviously she was screening her calls from me because she called me right back. She claims she didn't see that I had asked off for New Years (which is BULLSHIT because she highlighted those days so she had to have seen them along with all the others) and that she wouldn't have okay'd them had she seen them. I started to cry because I am stressed about Grandma and Grandpa being so sick and because I'm tired of dealing with Tracy's bullshit and I just can't handle this anymore. So she pretty much said that she'll promise me Thanksgiving and Christmas but she can't promise me New Years. And it's UNFAIR. I do so much crap for that bitch. She takes away days off she already gave me and I just let her. She wants me in early and I come in early. She needs me to do bullshit for other stores and I do it despite the fact that I HATE going to other stores. I work my ass off at that fucking store and this is how I get treated. And sorry if it seems like I'm overreacting but I am so HURT and ANGRY and I just cannot deal with this, especially since she lied to me on top of everything else.

I just don't know what to do. Sure, I could go find another job but then I lose my insurance. Or I could transfer stores but then I risk not getting the hours I need. So I don't know what to do. I don't trust her. And frankly, I don't really trust anyone in that store anymore. I should have known better. I told myself when I quit Perkins and started at Caribou that I would not develop any relationships with anyone there. Because I didn't want to get hurt anymore. And because I didn't want to feel lied to anymore. Or have rumors started about me. Or come home feeling like shit. And now here it is all over again. But this time I feel so stuck. And I seriously do not know what to do.

Death

2006-10-18T09:55:00.000-05:00

Well it looks as if Puerto Rico is almost a definite thing. I didn't realize that I'll be getting back about $1000 in taxes so that'll pretty much cover the trip, food on the trip and taking the week off of work. I cannot believe that this is going to be a real thing. My first REAL vacation with Dustin... it'll be so fun and romantic and now I just have to wait 4 months, lol. That'll give me 4 months to work out though and I definitely need it.

I don't know why I feel so sick of my job lately. I don't know if it's because I've been working so much or what. I feel like there are all these dumb demands being made on me and I'm just really tired of it. We're pretty much being spied on at night because the bakery is being taken down early. It makes me mad because there are so many other things that are wrong with our store and yet the night people are the ones that are being punished. If anything gets done early so idiots from corporate will be waiting out in the parking lot to fire us. How ridiculous is that? Not to mention we have a two hour holiday meeting next week which is a waste of two hours. I'm just tired of all the stupid crap that goes on at the store. I guess this is really making me realize just how badly I NEED to go back to school because I certainly don't want this for the rest of my life.

I've been thinking a lot about dying lately. I wish I could figure out why because it's not exactly a good thing to be thinking about. It'll flash in my mind that yes, one day I am going to die. And that terrifies me. Maybe it's different once you get older and, I don't know, tired of life. But I cannot even comprehend not being around anymore. And what will happen to me once I do die. I mean, what if that's just IT and then I'm in the ground. How can that just be IT!?!?!?!? I have to think that there had to be some kind of afterlife but then again, if there's an afterlife then why is there this kind of life in the first place? Why can't we just always be in the afterlife? Or why can't we just live forever? What is the point? I know these are questions that can be supposedly answered in church but even then I wonder how they get all these answers and why it is that they so easily believe in them. I mean, it's not as if God came down and told us exactly what will happen. So how can anyone be so sure? And that is what scares me.

More soon.

Appreciation

2006-10-15T20:26:00.000-05:00

It is amazing how tired I am from this weekend. We stayed up later than I'm used to (which is only about 1 AM but generally I am asleep before midnight) and slept until 11 in the morning. There were lots of games played (Apples to Apples, categories, Ninetendo) and a haunted house (that was hella scary) and it was a generally good time. Except for when my brother turned into a jerk and that kind of sucked. Kind of a lame end to an otherwise good weekend.

I'm really bummed out because Kalyn messaged me on Myspace and told me she's bummed because I was supposedly discussing her love life to someone at work. I truly don't remember discussin it with anyone that I shouldn't have and she won't get back to be to tell me who it was. So now she doesn't trust me and this has put a huge damped on my weekend, especially after what happened with Ryan. I am so stressed out right now with my friendships, I feel like everything keeps getting screwed up and I'm left with no one. I guess that's not completely true but I'm really not happy about this and with Kalyn not even explaining to me what happened I'm not really sure what to do.

Why do I feel as if I'm not getting enough out of life lately? I feel like I just sit by and try to make each day pass as quickly as possible, even the good days. I don't know how to make this stop and I wish I could someone get more out of my life. I'm scared that one day I will look back and be sad that I didn't take things in more. I already feel like that now, I look back on high school and the first few years of college and I wish that I had appreciated everything more.

More soon. Dustin's home with food.

Stressful

2006-10-12T12:32:00.000-05:00

I am not quite sure what to do with work. I am unhappy that Sunita was hired, not because I don't like her as a person, because she seems perfectly nice, but it is so incredibly hard to work with her due to the language barrier. It is hard for her to understand how to work the register, I have no idea how she works on bar but I'm sure that's not any better. It is hard for customers to understand her and I feel as if I can't leave from behind the counter because she might mess something up. I am trying so hard not to be a bad person about this but she is just not getting it at all and it is incredibly frustrating for me. I've tried to discuss this with Tracy and while she understands where I'm coming from I don't see anything being done about the situation. It just really disappoints me.

This weekend Dustin, Shawn, Taryn and I are meeting Ryan and Lindsay up at Mom and Dad's for the weekend. I am SO psyched about this, especially because I'll be getting a four day weekend. I really just need to kick back and have fun and not worry so much. After that it'll be another long work week so I just really want to relax until then.

More soon.

Woe Is Me

2006-10-09T10:00:00.002-05:00

I am starting to get really sick of work. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and I don't really know how to stand up for myself. Yesterday when I got to work there were things that weren't done (of course it had been Jake that was there before me so I don't know why I was even surprised). Then I found out Tracy changed next week's schedule so I only get one day off instead of two, and yet I'm still working the same amount of hours. On top of it she wanted me to set up all this stupid Halloween crap. I'm just tired. I'm tired of getting phone calls from other stores, I'm tired of Tracy making me feel guilty when I don't feel like working certain shifts, I'm tired of closing all the time, of stupid customers, of all of it. And I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I've pretty much decided that I'll wait till fall semester 2007 to go back to school so that means I have a little less than a year still at Caribou. That seems like such a long time. I really need a break. And I wish I could talk to Tracy about all the pressure she's putting on me but every time I start to I back down. She gives me some song and dance about why she needed to do certain things and then I feel bad for being angry. It's a bad situation, I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Puerto Rico. Dustin brought up wanting to go there over spring break and at first I thought that there was no way I could afford to take a week off of work on top of paying for the plane ticket AND the stay at his dad's condo (we'd get a discount but we wouldn't get it for free). However, now that I've thought about it I figure if I save up my tips from work, along with Christmas money and money back from taxes I should be able to afford going. And I really NEED to go. Not to mention I think maybe this could be where Dustin will propose. I know I need to stop worrying about it so much, it's pretty damn controlling, but I can't help it! I just think it would be a great vacation for both of us and I'd love to go.

Anyway. Must go eat because I have to leave for work at 12:45. Bleh. More soon.

Why?

2006-10-08T10:11:00.000-05:00

As I figured Dustin and I ended up getting into a H-U-G-E fight after I wrote. It was really bad and, as usual, we both pretty much said it was over, the yelled and screamed, then cried and finally made up and went to bed. I hate these fights. They completely wear me out. We need to stop this. I know I can be controlling and selfish and I have a temper problem. But I don't want to lose Dustin! He says we're good together. But how can we be if we fight the way that we do? We both said we'd try to make it stop. But we've said that before. I hate having this fear when I used to be so sure of our relationship. I hope it gets better, I truly do.

On a good note, last night Dustin told me that he wanted to try quitting smoking. This is H-U-G-E news and I really hope he didn't say it just because he'd been drinking. I just worry a lot about him, especially after what happened with his mom, and after how I lost two, nearly three of my grandparents. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. If we can get through this fighting then I want to grow old with him. I don't want to lose him early because of gross cigarettes.

I've been having a lot of problems dealing with my past lately. I'm mad at Rich because he claims we'll hang out but it never happens. And do I really want to see him? And why do I want to see him? And it's the same with Josh. I'd love to call him but I'm scared he won't call back or, if he answers, he'll hang up on me. He has me blocked on Facebook. Thing is, I can't figure out what happened. Yeah, I got pissed at him for not calling me back and maybe I shouldn't have. But a lot of me seriously thinks that Kim was the reason behind him ending out friendship. I want to know. But I wonder if knowing would help settle me. And Shannon. I don't want her back after what she did to me. But I want her to stay away from Amber and Elisa, which I doubt will happen. I'm jealous. And as soon as I messaged Amber on Facebook Shannon blocked me. For some reason that irritates me. Why do I even care?!?! Why does it all bother me so much? Why can't I be content in my life as it is right now? Because I'm pretty damn lucky. I just cannot put the past behind me. I think back to it and I can't help reliving it and wishing things were different. And that makes me sad.

I joined a gym yesterday. I really want to make things better with myself and my weight. I've become really unhappy with my physical appearance and I know that has everything to do with my weight. It's funny because back in the day I HATED my body and now I wish that I could have it back. Sure I had a little bit of a stomach. But now it's gotten so much worse. I want that old body back. And hopefully I'll get it back.

Will Dustin propose to me in Puerto Rico if we go?

More on that later.

Back.

2006-10-06T22:37:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time. And a lot has changed. And I'm scared. And sad. And unsure. And I just simply am hating how I'm feeling.

I am so mad at Dustin lately. It's like he doesn't even care about my feelings anymore. He doesn't care that my day today was horrible and stessful, he just proceeds to treat me badly and then acts like nothing is wrong. I think that's what makes me the most upset, that we fight and then he acts like absolutely nothing happened. It just makes me so sad. And it makes me question us. And I guess I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. Maybe I don't want to talk to anyone about it. When things like this happen I don't want anyone to know that anything is wrong because I guess admitting that would be bringing the problem to life. I wish I could figure something out. I wish Dustin would TALK TO ME.

Work was hell today. I don't mean to act like a bitch but I cannot deal with Sunita. I know she means well and she's trying to be sweet and all but I cannot believe Tracy hired her! I worked with her for five hours today and I truly felt as if I was working by myself. I couldn't even leave her alone so that I could do the dishes. And yet when I try to call Tracy about the situation she doesn't bother to call me back. Great. I don't know what to do. I don't have the time or the patience to deal with this kind of situation. And maybe that makes me a bad person. But I don't want to make other people mad because I can't get the stuff done on the shift that should be all finished when the next shift starts.

It all sounds like a lot of complaining. And I guess I'm not even writing it to anyone. I just want to vent. And this used to be the place I could do that. So I guess I'm back,

Selfish

2006-04-12T18:50:00.000-05:00

UGH! Sometimes I just feel so frustrated. I feel like I try to do things that make the people I care about happy but they don't even appreciate anything. And then I turn around and realize I'm putting my happiness on the backburner. I'm tired of people making me feel like my happiness isn't as important as theirs, intended or not. For too long I have felt as if I've been running to keep up and when I finally did kind of catch up it still wasn't as good. I'm just bummed.

It's going to be a busy summer and I'm a little worried about all the time off I'm going to be taking from work. In June I've got both my brother's birthday, the big and important 21, and Dustin's birthday. July is ridiculous, I've got my one year anniversary with Dustin, Jen's birthday, and I have to take off pretty much a whole weekend for Shannon's wedding, not to mention time off for the bachelorette party that it seems may not even happen at this point. And August my parents want to take a week long family vacation, which would be great except that means a week of no pay AND Dad and I aren't really on speaking terms right now.

Why do I feel like my life isn't as important as other people's? I've been having this big issue with my dad as well as with work and some people act like I have no right to even want to vent about those things, let alone try to get advice. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have a right to have feelings, like all I'm around for is for other people to bounce off of me and I'm just supposed to take it. I'm getting tired of it.

My life is changing. I live with my boyfriend and we're discussing marriage. I'm pulling away from my parents' bubble and that's a little scary. It may have taken me a little longer than others to achieve these things but that doesn't make it any less important.

I'm incredibly frustrated. And I'm tired of people being selfish. I know maybe I don't have a right to say that because I can be really selfish sometimes but.... I really feel like I'm getting absolutely no appreciation. And that truly hurts.

Update

2006-04-03T19:41:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness, SO MUCH has happened!

I've been living in my new place for two weeks now and I must say, I totally love it! I love getting to see Dustin every day, I adore living with boys instead of girls, I am so happy to be back in River Falls and I am having so much fun making our place a home. There have been a few hills to climb, hills concerning my relationship with Dustin, and I'm having a little trouble reaching the top but I have faith in our relationship so I am hopeful that things will turn out okay. Other than that, though, things here are really great and I'm happy with the decision I made.

Work has been interesting. There's a lot of drama going around and at first I was kind of happy to contribute to it because Tracy has been driving me nuts. She isn't giving me enough hours and she's slacking on morning stuff so it makes things harder on those of us who work later, plus she claims that closes are always bad and it makes those of us who close feel bad. We're each having individual meetings with her and mine was today. I felt like it went well and hopefully this means things will get better. However, whatever happens I'm done with the gossip and all that junk. It's starting to get irritating and it's just work.

Things with Grandma and Grandpa aren't great. Grandma's doing a little better but Mom and Dad want to put them into assisted living and Grandma's not having it. There's that Gautreaux stubborness for sure. I'm hoping she'll come around because I can't imagine them being able to live along anymore. Grandpa, though, is not doing well. The chemo is making him sick and it's just not good. Dustin and I are going down there next weekend to see them and I just don't even know what it will be like. I'm scared. I'm not used to seeing my grandparents so weak and I'm not really sure what to expect. I know that this is a part of life but it's a really shitty party of life.

Good news, though, is that D and I are getting a pet! Not a puppy like we really want because we're not ready for that. But we are getting a guinea pig! I am super psyched, we're getting the cage and everything this Saturday and on Sunday we're getting the guinea pig! Excitement!

For now, though, I am SO tired. So more soon!

Future Me.

2006-03-30T16:57:00.000-06:00

(The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Wednesday, March 30, 2005, and sent via FutureMe.org)

Dear FutureMe,

I just receive the e-mail I sent myself last year and am so amazed at how much has changed in one year. It is time to write myself another letter and see what happens in one more year.

I am slowly falling in love with Rich again. I really hope things work for us this time and that when I recieve this e-mail we are together, strong, and in love. Remember, stop stressing about the small stuff! You two are SO GOOD TOGETHER so don't hold all his imperfections against him.

Next week I will start serving at Perkins. I have no idea where it will take me but hopefully I will make a damn good server and stick with it for awhile. Not to mention get some money saved!!

School is hard right now and I know I have a lot of time left. GO TO CLASSES. Skipping gets to absolutely nowhere but bad places and it sucks to worry so much about whether or not you'll be passing at the end of the semester.

Stay out of the drama.

Above all, love yourself, love your friends, and be safe and happy.

Krysten

Wow. I just got home from picking up dishes and pots and pans from Mom and Dad's and I return home to this e-mail. How weird. It is so weird how things change. Part of it makes me sort of sad. I mean, I'm glad I got over Rich because he was like an addiction and I'm a lot healthier now that I'm not in love with him. But I'm sad that it took me pretty much losing him to gain what I've got now. He's not a bad person. And I miss having him around. I wish I'd gotten to know him better. I wish he'd give me a chance to let me do that now.

It is a year since I wrote myself that e-mail and in that year I lost some people I was close to, I found love with one of my best friends (not Amber and Shannon, lol), I've grown up and made a few decisions for myself.

Oh. What will life be like in another year? And why does it suddenly feel like time is flying by SO FUCKING FAST?

Hmm. What should I say to next year's me?

Lies and Deception... and Getting Friends Back?

2006-03-15T18:04:00.000-06:00

So I'm a little pissed off about something. I know I mentioned all this business about LaTricia and how Tracy thinks/thought she was stealing from the store. Well, today when I came into work Tracy pulled me into the back to first complain about how shitty close was last night (she was nitpicking about stupid busy work and, I'm sorry, but I am not there to be a slave at night) and then to tell me that LaTricia confronted her and said that I was the one that told her. It makes me SO MAD because I never said a word to LaTricia about what was going on. Why would I? That would mean I would have to confront her about it and I am not about confronting someone about something like that. I know it's pretty much my word against LaTricia's and Tracy says she believes me but who knows. It really sucks because I truly did not say anything and now Tracy has lost trust in me. Not to mention that when I closed with LaTricia the other day SHE took the garbage out and threw the trash into the wrong bins. The next day Tracy confronted me and said that LaTricia told her that I was the one that took out the trash. I'm sick of it, LaTricia and her lying are pissing me off, especially because it makes me look like I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

There are other things at work that are starting to annoy me. Katie seriously walks around like she's second in command when in reality she's a shiftie just like all of us other shifties. However, she bosses all of us around like she owns us or something. If Molly, the DM, comes in and says that things need to be cleaned or what not Katie just pushes it onto someone else and can't be bothered to move her lazy ass and do it herself. It just really sickening, Tracy sits and talks about how no one is better than anyone else and yet Katie obviously gets all this special treatment.

Kalyn and I were talking about this last night and she told me that she wants to call Corporate. Frankly, I'm about to back her up on it and call them myself. I'm really tired of this Katie issue and I'm tired of being told about shitty closes when Katie and Tracy have absolutely no idea what it's like to close considering they BARELY EVER CLOSE. When they both started working at Caribou Corporate said that they both had to close a little bit but that seemed to go out the window. It's just really unfair. I mean, I like Tracy and I can tolerate Katie for the most part but I don't know how else to go about this situation. It seems childish to go to Corporate to tattle on the but how else are things going to change?

So Dustin and I got word that our application went through for the townhouse we looked at in RF. We're moving on SUNDAY, how nuts is that??? I've been really stressed out lately because I've been getting these not so great texts from some random person about Dustin cheating on me and this, plus a few other things, caused a huge fight between us on Monday. It didn't help that I was freaking out because my car was totally snowed in and I had to call into work. All of this added up to an almost all day fight and it was just really horrible. On top of all that, I found out that back when I told Doug to screw off he e-mailed Dustin and told him that I was cheating on him with Rich. Not that that matters so much because Dustin obviously didn't believe him but it makes me so angry that people seem to find joy in trying to break us up. Needless to say I sent Doug a message telling him to grow up and start acting like an adult. ANYWAY.... so Monday was an incredibly shitty day but I finally told Dustin about the texts I was getting, although I realized I'd deleted them when I went through to delete my messages from Josh. So hopefully the phantom texter will text again so Dustin can call them up and tell them off.

In other news, I texted Rich and asked him if we could try to be friends. He said that that could be doable although right now he's up North doing stuff for work. I think that's better for now, though, I'd rather just keep it to the phone and internet for awhile. But I do feel better because for awhile now I've regretted never trying to be friends with him and, like I've said, I do miss him. I also texted James to ask to talk to him. He called me but I've been so busy the last few days that our talk may have to wait. But at least I'm trying, right?

Anyway.... I need to go to bed in a few hours so I can wake up at 5AM and go to work AGAIN. Bleh. More soon!

Can't Fix It

2006-03-11T10:44:00.000-06:00

Okay have I turned into the most hated person and no one's telling me? Or do I have some kind of disease and no one wants to be around me? Because I'm starting to feel a little shafted. And a lot hurt.

I feel like I'm losing people that I really didn't want to lose. I know that I am one of those people that is really opinionated and outspoken and I wear all of my emotions right on my sleeve. I know I can be difficult to get along with and sometimes I get mad for silly reasons. But I also feel like I try the best that I can to treat my friends well and to let them know how much I care for them and appreciate them. It really hurts me when I lose a friend and lately I feel like I'm losing A LOT.

Josh pretty much told me that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore and he didn't really give me a good reason. The only reason I was ever upset with him was because he couldn't take two seconds to text me and tell me he couldn't return my calls because he was busy. So after two months of silence he finally tells me that he just doesn't feel like being my friend anymore. And that really hurts because I never did anything wrong to him. And what makes me angry is that he showed up with Kim to the New Years party and just acted like nothing was wrong. And he made me feel uncomfortable by telling me that Kim was uncomfortable around me. He almost made me miss a party I was co-hosting and all the time he had in his mind that he didn't want to be friends. And that sucks and hurts. I wish I knew where the old Josh was because this new Josh doesn't seem to have any of the heart and soul that he used to. He's become someone that is cold and cruel. And that really sucks because he used to be a damn good person.

Then there is Rich. I honestly miss him. I think all the nights spent closing with Jack made me realize that. I don't know if I've mentioned before how much Jack reminds me of Rich. I've been thinking for awhile now about how much I truly miss Rich's company. Things got so messed up and they were messed up for so long and I regret not getting to know Rich the way I think I should have. So many people are quick to point out how badly he treated me but the thing is that I didn't treat him so great either. I've started to see that he and I never would have ended up together, no matter how badly I wanted it. There were certain things about us that just didn't click the way they needed to, the way they click for Dustin and me. But all of that drama doesn't change that fact that there are things about Rich that I admire and respect and miss an awful lot. I hate that I have to pretend like it doesn't matter to me. It truly hurts me that we've become practically strangers and I feel like there's nothing I can do to fix that.

And James. I do stand by the e-mails I wrote him and the things that I said to him. And he did say some very hurtful things and up until recently I was so angry with him that I didn't want him anywhere near me again. However, James was a good friend of mine and I can't say that I don't miss him. It's weird because in some ways James and I had absolutely nothing in common. Sometimes I couldn't figure out why on earth he and I were friends. When Rich broke up with me and a little later Shannon broke up with James we suddenly had something in common. And from that I really came to appreciate having James as my friend. I really miss him but I guess I'm too proud to admit that. I'm just so tired of apologizing to people and having them think that that means they didn't do anything wrong either.

It just sucks. I mean, I see that you can regain friendships because I was able to do that with Jenny and Shannon. And I know there's hope because those were two friendships I truly thought were gone forever. But I just don't see how there is any way to fix things.

Life Changes

2006-03-09T21:20:00.000-06:00

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Man... my life is about to change. In a little over a week I'll be moving in with Dustin, my boyfriend. For the most part I am SO SO SO SO SO excited! I mean, I'll get to spend more time with D and I think this will really move our relationship to another level. Plus I'll be back in River Falls and I won't have to live with girls anymore! A little part of me is nervous simply because, well, I mean, there's always a chance things may not work out. I'm sure that's just the pessimistic part of me talking but I'm trying to prepare myself for the fact that we may find that we can't live together. I truly don't believe that's the case, I mean, D and I get along so great and he's one of my best friends. I guess I'm just a little scared, as with every new step I've taken in my life. But, like I said, the excitement is greatly outweighing it.

Things have been tiring lately. Tracy's been having more issues at work with certain employees and I'm becoming the person she depends on to pick up shifts. It's great to be the dependable one because I do need the hours and the money but at the same time I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I know things will get a little better after this next week when I won't be working at Grand and Snelling anymore. I'm just hoping that I can still get decent hours AND days off. It'd be nice, that's for sure.

I am having a hard time getting Josh out of my head lately. I tried to let things go but I'm really hurt by how he's treating me. At one time we cared for each other and I know I screwed things up but I thought Josh had forgiven me. However, suddenly he can't be bothered to return my phone calls or texts and that really hurts my feelings. Josh is one of those people that you can't help but like and he was someone that I truly respected. Despite everything I wanted him to be in my life because he's such a positive, good person. However, either through something I did or because of some other reason Josh has decided to stop being my friend. He doesn't return my calls or texts and it just bothers me so much. I'm not good at giving up easily and I hate to lose people who mean something to me. I know I should just let things go but I really want to know the reason why he won't even tell me what happened. If it was something I did I'd at least like to know about it because I truly do not believe that I did anything wrong.

I am so tried right now. I'm been up since 3:10 this morning and despite a nap this afternoon I'm just exhausted. Tomorrow I have a double shift, I'm working at my store from 11 to 3 and then Grand and Snelling from 5 to close. At least I'll be closing with Lexie tomorrow and I get to look forward to seeing Dustin when I'm done. But it's going to be a VERY long day. So... for now, I'm signing off. More soon.

Grow Down.

2006-03-05T10:54:00.000-06:00

So.... I failed my shiftie test. By 3 points. Because Tracy didn't completely go over everything I would need to know. Which I guess is my way of not taking responsibility for studying because I did have the shiftie training book. But I was told that I would learn certain things later, like the warehouse order and training in new team members. And then that suddenly appeared on the test. However, when I called Tracy yesterday she said that Molly, our distric manager, said that I passed. So.... I guess I'm a shiftie? I have keys to the store. And last night I was in charge when Melvin and I closed. It's weird, it feels sort of wrong. Ah well... it's also really cool, lol.

I'm starting to pack up my life again. It really makes me wonder if I will ever settle down and live somewhere for longer than a year. Since I graduated high school I have not stayed in one place for longer than a year and it's really starting to wear on me. I hate having to pack up all my things and be stressed about moving. I just want to stay somewhere and have that be home. And I hate having to put my friends out. I'm having to stay with Shannon and Ryan for 10 days and I really don't want to have to do that. And Bruggie's going to come out here to help me move my heavier stuff out to Shan and Ryan's. Then he'll have to come out here AGAIN to help move it to RF. It just sucks.

I guess I shouldn't be complaining too much. In less than a month Dustin and I will be living together. Like probably any girl, I am SUPER excited. First off, I cannot wait to live with boys instead of girls. I really cannot stand living with girls, especially girls that don't act their ages, girls that are loud and gossipy and more than a little obnoxious. I really wish I would have made the decision to live with boys sooner but at the same time I didn't want to be living with some guy I didn't know... that seems sort of dangerous. Then again, I lived with Kassi and look how that turned out. I guess you never can tell. Anyway.... it's just weird. At this time last year D and I weren't even really friends and I was totally in love with Rich. Now Dustin and I are moving in together and talking about getting married someday. And Rich.... isn't really in the picture anymore. It's so odd how life works out and how you sometimes just do not see something coming.

In a way, I'm kind of sad. Not about Dustin and me, because I truly could not be happier. But I'm sad about how things turned out with Rich. Some days I just miss being able to call him on the phone. I miss counting him as someone I could talk to if things weren't good.... or if things were REALLY good. I have to hold myself back from calling him up and asking for that back. I guess maybe he was right when he said that we never really had a friendship. And that still really hurts me. We may have been totally dysfunctional. But that didn't make me care for him any less. And I still wonder every day how he's doing. I still worry about him and I still find myself wanting him to be happy. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm better off not having him in my life. And believe me, I don't miss the drama and the tears and the uncertainties. But Rich did not just bring bad things to the table. And no matter what any of my friends try to tell me, I know that everything that happened wasn't just Rich's fault. I just really wish that things could have ended up better. And I just have to get that out because I'm tired of being told that I'm so much better off. Because a small part of me isn't better off.

I keep thinking about all the people I've lost lately. Kassi.... who I used to be friends with and maybe had we not moved in together we would be friends. Then again, would I have ever found out how unhinged she was? But we were at one time friends and I so wish that it had been different. Then there's Josh, who I don't even know what happened. One day we were friends and I thought everything was cool. The next he can't be bothered to answer his phone or return my calls. Nichole and I stopped talking.... and I have to wonder if it's just because we became so different, more different than we were when we first met. I haven't talked to her in over a year. And I miss her. And Ben. He and I started out as such great friends. I really miss his tough attitude and his ability to make me want to be a stronger person.

Is this what life is? I'm actually starting to regret a lot of things. I may be so happy with the people I do have in my life.... I could not ask for better friends or for a better boyfriend. But I truly miss the people that have gone out of my life for one reason or another. And I wish, I wish SO MUCH that there was a way to get them back. But I have absolutely no idea where to start.

This entry turned out to be a lot different than I thought it would. And now, when I should be showering and getting ready for work, I'm sitting at my computer crying about the things that could have been.... or would have been.... or should have been.

Growing up really sucks sometimes. I wish I could just grow down instead.

More soon.

I Love My Job!

2006-02-23T23:05:00.000-06:00

I know I don't write nearly as much as I used to and sometimes I feel bad about that. It's just that most times when I think about writing I'm in too much of a hurry to sit down and type! But I have lots to say tonight!

First off, today I had my first of three 'Bou shiftie classes. This one was on coffee basics and I was a little iffy about it because I couldn't imagine it being all that interesting. Plus I was mad at Tracy for volunteering me to drive Danielle out also, since that meant I had to drive from here to Highland Park and then to North Minneapolis. But I had to say that my experience today definitely made me really appreciate the company I work for. First off, the class was at the Caribou Corporate Headquarters, which was pretty cool to get to go and see. There were maybe 10 of us in the class and it was all about our coffees and why they're the best and why Caribou is such as awesome place. I actually had fun at the class today and it was great to be in an atmosphere with people that are just as coffee obsessed as me. I have not felt this way since YIG and it just really made my day.

So..... 5 things I learned in class today:

One of our seasonal blends, La Minita Peaberry, is so special because the beans are sort of a "mistake." Instead of being two beans, it is only one and because of this the beans make a really rich flavor. These beans are HANDPICKED from all the other beans and the process takes FOREVER. But it's super worth is because La Minita Peaberry is one awesome coffee.
One thing that sets Caribou apart from its competitors is that when we get a batch of coffee, before it is ever distributed to stores, we taste test the batch. If it doesn't meet up with our standards, it's rejected and never reaches a store or our customers.
A lot of our drip coffee blends are actually more than one kind of coffee bean blended together. This is done to get a better tasting coffee that just one type of bean might be on its own.
The process of "cupping" is a method used to taste test the coffee (this is the method used to detect the "good batches" from the "bad batches").
One of our coffees (and my FAVORITE of our blends), Mocha Java, is actually named after the two ports that it originated from, the ports of Mocha and Java. This is also why coffee is sometimes referred to as "mocha" or "java."

Yay! Like I said, this class made me SO PROUD that I work for such an awesome company and made me SO EXCITED to go back to work on Monday and spread all my newfound knowledge. AND Now I am super psyched for my classes next week! Eep, I think I may have actually found the place where I belong and that makes me feel SOOOOO good!!!

Okay, so a little bad news. This weekend was supposed to be Dustin's and my trip to Illinois. However, Aunt Gayle is being fairly selfish and so we're not able to go down. She basically e-mailed me two days ago to say that she's really too stressed out to have us down and that it's not such a good time for Grandma and Grandpa. Well, the entire reason I wanted to go to Illinois in the first place was to make Grandma and Grandpa feel better and to pick up their spirits. I'm pretty angry with Aunt Gayle right now. I haven't said anything back to her but this really bothers me because I've never been mad at either of my aunts before. It's a really strange feeling and so I think that's why I'm having a hard time figuring out how to handle it.

Instead, though, Dustin, Shannon, Ryan and I are going downt to LaCrosse to visit Amber and Jono, meet their new kitty Eddison, and have a GAME NIGHT! I am super excited about this because A) I haven't seen Amber in awhile, B) I want to meet their new kitty, C) I have yet to see Amber and Jono's place, and D) GAME NIGHT RULES! So it should be a pretty fun night and hopefully it will make up for the Illinois trip that.... well, wasn't.

Oh, so there's some other news about Caribou. Short and sweet, LaTricia is stealing from the store. Tracy let me know because as soon as I become a shiftie (a week from today, YAY!) she's firing LaTricia and giving me her hours. I've pretty much been promised 30-35 hours, 5 nights a week. I am really psyched about this and it's making me feel pretty important and trusted by Tracy. Lexie's a little mad because she was counting on getting me at her store part time. But already that's seeming like a bad idea because next week I'm scheduled EVERY SINGLE DAY between the two stores and my two classes on Thursday. Unreal! But hey, it's money, right?

Tonight Shan and I went to eat at Don Pablos, then did a little shopping at Pier One (I bougth some more Aspen Flour candles because they smell SO YUMMY), and then went to the shop where Shan bought her dress so she could try it on with her jewelry and what not. It's crazy that her wedding date is creeping closer and closer, it seems like she and Ryan have been engaged FOREVER.

Anyway.... Dustin should be here soon and he's bringing me a strawberry shake from McD's. Yay to that! So I'm going to go read till he gets here. More soon!

Moving AGAIN

2006-02-16T15:38:00.000-06:00

Soooo big news. I'm moving back to River Falls and moving in with Dustin and his cousin Sean. Lol, betcha didn't see that one coming! Yeah, neither did I! Except last Thursday when I went out to RF I realized that I actually miss it there, plus it'll help out with the rent that D and Sean have to pay at the place they're looking to rent. And I'm actually exctited to be living with boys, it has to be less drama than living with girls. The drive to work will sorta suck but I do like to drive so I don't think I'll mind too much. And it'll be nice to not stress about when D and I will get to see each other.

Grandma and Grandpa seem to be doing a little better. Dad's visiting them right now and I just talked to him. He said Grandpa's playing cards and Grandma's doing better although she hates her roommate. Lol, she and I can swap evil roomie stories when I'm there next week.

Last night Shannon drove out here and we did a little shopping at the mall. She had to get earrings to wear on her wedding day and I ended up buying a pair of jeans that I couldn't really afford but needed. But it's all good. Then I called Amber when I got home and we had a good talk, as always. I love talking to Amber because we sit and remember all the crazy stuff we used to do. We have some interesting stuff planned for when D and I come to visit her and Jono, which will probably be next month. I'm psyched!

Everything else is good. I'm a little stressed about having to move again so soon but then again I was never one of those people that had an easy time settling. I am super psyched about moving in with Dustin, it'll be a good adventure, I think, and I think living so close to his friends and cousin will help him adjust to living with me. I think it'll be a good experience.

ANYWAY! Must go dry my hair. More soon!

Topsy Turvy

2006-02-13T17:16:00.000-06:00

Okay so.... eh, my life is a little topsy turvy right now although I'd rather not write about it. Why it is that I have such issues living with other girls I don't know. Although this time 2 out of 3 of them like me so who knows.... I can't wait to move in with D, living with a boy has got to be easier!

Work is better..... Tracy's actually treating me like a human being rather than a halfwit so that's nice. I have classes for my shiftie training on the 23rd and the 2nd of March and then I will officially be a shift supervisor, hurray! Today Tracy taught me how to do the milk order, which we do on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and it's SUPER easy so that's nice. I also learned how to do overrings so yay to that! March 2nd (and my raise) can't come fast enough!

Grandma and Grandpa aren't doing very well right now which is all the more reason for D and me to hurry up and visit. Ryan's coming with, too, and Mom may meet us down there. Hopefully with all the family around they'll feel a bit better. I just don't know how to react to all of this, I've never had anyone this close to me be so sick and I'm not sure if my reactions are right. Most of the time I just try not to think about it and I think I'm almost in denial about how bad things are. I just cannot imagine them not being around anymore. It's a really scary thought.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and for once I'm not dreading it! Dustin got the day off, thanks to Gabe, so we'll be out here sometime tomorrow afternoon. I made him a scrapbook (I'm fairly sure he doesn't read this so I feel safe writing about it) and I'm really excited to give it to him. Tomorrow night we're getting together with Shan and Ryan for a "hot double date." Should be fun, I'm pretty excited.

So that's about all right now. I have to go to bed early tonight because I open tomorrow and on top of my open to 11 shift I'm working 11 to 1 for Tracy because she has a meeting. So it'll be a LOOOOONG day for me. But the added hours will be nice so I'll try not to complain too much.

Anyway.... better go relax. More soon!

I'm Feelin' You

2006-02-06T15:17:00.000-06:00

I'm feelin' the way you cross my mind
And you save me in the nick of time
I'm ridin' the highs, I'm diggin' the lows
'Cause at least I feel alive
I've never faced so many emotional days
But my life is good
I'm feelin' you

Yesterday was good. Dustin and I ended up not going to his dad's place because his sister Taryn hurt her knee so D's dad and Terry stayed at the other house with her. So Dustin ended up coming out here and we went to the Mall of America for a bit and just walked around and looked at stuff.

After the mall we headed to Ryan and Shan's for really nummy pot roast and a game that pretty much involves car crashes and crashing as many cars as you can, lol. Craziness. Dustin and I brought over an "Irish Mist" cake that we bought at Rainbow... super nummy! Shan, you're lucky I left that cake there!

We went to see Walk The Line after dinner. It was okay, especially because Reese Witherspoon is in it and I'm sorta in love with her, lol. And then D and I came back here and went to bed shortly afterwards.

I've been reading up on the blog entries I wrote at this time last year and it's sort of amusing but sort of scary to think that I disliked Dustin so much just last year. It was right around the time when Christina and Leah were ganging up on me (before Christina realized what a bitch Leah is) and Dustin, as usual, just went along for the ride. Sometimes I still think about the way that things used to be and I wonder. I know a lot of the drama had to do with Leah and some of it had to do with the fact that I couldn't choose between Dustin and Rich. It just makes me sad sometimes that Dustin and I were so mean to each other and I wonder how things just suddenly got so good between us. Was it just the absence of Leah and Rich that made everything easier? I know I should stop analyzing everything and just be happy, we've talked past all the mean things we said and did.

Anyway.

So this morning I woke up around 9:00 to find that I'd gotten two calls from Caribou. I figured it was Tracy calling because I told her to call me when she'd figured out the classes I had to take for my shiftie training. Then I got up around 10 to find I'd had another call from Caribou. So I checked my messages to find that Katy had called once and Tracy had called twice wondering where I was because I was supposed to be working from 9-3. I was super pissed because I'd checked my schedule twice and there was never anything about me working today. So I called Tracy and I guess Kristian re-did the schedule but didn't bother to tell me. So there went 6 hours of work down the drain. Bleh.

OKAY! Enough complaining, I gotta get my room cleaned up and all that jazz. More soon!

Today

2006-02-05T10:55:00.000-06:00

Just a quick entry before I head out for the day. Today is going to be a good day, better than it could have been, so I'm pretty excited. Originally I was going to be spending most of the day by myself, which I've already done for the past two days. Tonight I was supposed to be going out with work people and others to the 90's. However, the more I thought about it the more I really didn't feel like going. It's not really my scene anymore and I didn't much feel like waking up hungover.

So instead today Dustin and I are going out to check out his dad's new house which should be interesting. Afterwards I guess we're hanging out around here for awhile and then heading out to Shannon and Ryan's for dinner and then a movie afterwards. Maybe all of that sounds boring to some people but it sounds like an absolutely perfect day to me!

Dustin and I had a fight on Friday that really freaked me out. We both said some mean things to each other which resulted in me hanging up the phone and not answering when he tried to call back. Eventually we talked and we both felt bad and, in the end, things were better. I worry that he sometimes wants to just hang in the moment, not having too many responsibilities. I know I should just trust in the fact that Dustin's trying as best he can and he wants our future just as much as I do. I just get worried when he spends so many nights over at Bubba's playing video games and drinking beer. Blah, I need to stop worrying!!!

Anyway.... I am still not fully awake yet and I have a few more things to do before I head out. So more soon!

Bumming

2006-02-01T21:09:00.000-06:00

I hate being disappointed. It's funny because I was watching a TV show today and someone said something about how if you didn't have expectations about people then you wouldn't get disappointed by them. I guess that sorta makes sense. But it's still hard when two people make plans with you and then they both cancel. Even if they have good reasons it doesn't make you feel any less bad. Especially when it's not like you have a million other people that you can call to fall back on. That's the problem with only having a small group of close friends: when you get screwed over it kind of takes away your world. Now I got to be bored today, I'll be bored Friday, and I'll be bored Saturday. Joyful.

So something good has happened in the last, oh, say 36 hours or so. Dustin and I had an honest to goodness discussion about moving in together. I bring it up a lot and I know I'm being awfully pushy but I guess that's kind of my way when I want something bad enough. He admitted he's scared to leave RF because that's ALWAYS been his home. I guess I can't relate because I've called Bartlett, Woodbury, Winona, RF and Maplewood my homes (and some I liked better than others). Then again, it's not like RF is that far away and it's not like he'll be banned from ever going back. And he needs to get away for at least a little while, experience someplace new. It sounds like if he finds a job soon enough we could be living together VERY soon. Otherwise I'll have to sit through a 6 month lease, which would kind a blow but I guess I'll have to survive.

I went shopping by myself tonight, since I was sad, had nothing better to do, and really feel like otherwise my roommates will start thinking I'm a boring loser. Bought a cute new top and a necklace and earrings to go with it. I'm trying to learn to accesorize even though generally I'm more comfortable not wearing a bunch of jewelry. So I guess I feel better, at the expense of $31 that I don't think I should have spent.

My trip with D to Illinois at the end of the month is pretty set and I'm excited. I'm a little scared to see my grandparents, what with my grandpa now having to deal with cancer (that's the 3rd of 4 grandparents, joyful) and my grandma being in so much pain. It's been good that I have Dustin to talk to because otherwise I think I'd explode. I try not to act like it bothers me because I don't want people to think I'm always about to cry. But I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that my grandparents will probably not be around much longer. The two adults who have supported me the most in my life and they'll be gone. That makes me feel pretty lost.

Anyway, I'm tired, that happens when I cry more than once during the day. Time for sleep. Tomorrow I get my honey to cuddle with.

More soon.

Weird Dream

2006-01-24T22:22:00.000-06:00

So, I didn't mention this earlier but I guess I'm a little weirded out by it. I had a dream about Ben last night. Now really sure why except maybe it had to do with me looking at his Facebook page yesterday? Anyway, I don't remember all the details but I do know that I was with Dustin but making plans to meet up with Ben and make out??? And that makes NO SENSE.

The only thing I can think is that I had Dustin and Ben in my head.... and I was thinking about the summer after Rich and I broke up: Kaili and Ben were on the rocks too and we made plans over the 4th to get together and just make out. We agreed no sex (at the time he was still a virgin and I've never been into casual sex) but we were definitely still a little physically curious about each other. Anyway... that never ended up happening and all I can think is that I had boys on the brain and those boys got mixed up. Really weird.

Another weird but okay thing is that I just talked to Emalyn. We haven't talked since shortly after I moved out and we sort of had a falling out with each other. But frankly it's water under the bridge to me, after what I had to go through with Psycho Bitch it makes Emalyn look like a freakin' angel!

So yeah.... closing tonight at The 'Bou was okay and D should be getting off work anytime now so hopefully he'll be here soon. In the meantime, I'm going to go cuddle up with a book! Night!

The 'Bou

2006-01-24T09:36:00.000-06:00

Some things that happened at The 'Bou last night that don't generally happen but were funny all the same:

Spilling milk on the floor because I practically threw the container in the fridge and there wasn't a top on it
Bitching about exes (I was closing with Kalyn, who I never work with, and we decided that everyone is allowed to have one ex that they hate; guess who mine is?)
Deciding it's okay to be lazy until 7
Spilling a 16oz. cup of coffee on the floor (that was Kalyn's fault and maybe that'll teach her to hold the cup by the top, lol)
Practically running out of half&half (how does a coffeeshop run out of half&half.... that is so beyond me)
Leaving a love note for Tracy and Jake, who are opening in the morning, to let them know that we ran out of half&half but not to hate us and that we love them SOOOOOOO much
Finding out that Chris got in trouble for constantly coming behind the counter to make drinks when he's not on shift (FINALLY)
Throwing a garbage bag OVER the top of the garbage bin (again, Kalyn's fault, but it was pretty funny)
Being done with EVERYTHING by 10 after 9 (that rarely ever happens, we are SO awesome)

So it was a good night. Tonight I work 9 to close, which hardly seems worth it, but I'm working with Jeremiah so it should be fun. Then D's coming over so I get to cuddle, yay!

Grandma's surgery went well, as far as I've heard so far. It was supposed to take anywhere from 2 to 4 hours and it was on the short end so that seems good. When Dad and Grandpa went to talk to the surgeon he sounded optimistic so yay to that! I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Anyway.... time for breakfast. More soon!

Practice

2006-01-22T22:10:00.000-06:00

"There are people we treat wrong, and later, we're prepared to treat other people right. Perhaps this sounds mercenary, but I feel grateful for these trial relationships, and I would like to think it all evens out - surely, unknowingly, I have served as practice for other people." -Prep

I finished reading a great book today and I hate that sometimes I am so ready to devour a book and when I am finished I am left with an empty feeling because I probably went too fast. But that's okay, I have a habit of rereading books more than a few times, especially my favorites which I will probably read at least 10 times.

The reason this book is so good, I think, is because I felt myself identifying with it. Maybe not the whole thing but there were certain little truths and that is what I truly love about books, you can find yourself in them; or, at least, you can find the person you used to be or maybe the person you wish you were.

This quote above really spoke to me. There are people in my life that I hold a lot of anger towards and, for the most part, I do feel like I have good reasons. There is the girl that sent me the "anonymous" e-mail, being cruel about a part of me that she knew I was insecure about. Or the boy who knew I loved him and used it to his advantage to get what he wanted. I could go on. I won't. Then again, I have to think I learned something from the people that treated me badly and hurt me. I have someone particular in mind because sometimes I still want to shout at him and make him feel horrible for the wrongs he committed towards me. But then again, had things not happened exactly how they did maybe I would not know how to cherish all the things I have now.

It's kind of like a second chance.... only not with the person you started with. Then again, would you really want to try to continue with the person who brought out the absolute worst in you? Maybe both of you have changed in ways but you will never change completely.

God I'm babbling. It's been a long weekend.

My boyfriend got me one of the most thoughtful gifts. I really am a lucky girl. D, I love you.

Also, please pray for my grandma. She's having surgery done tomorrow.

Anyway. That's all for now.

6 Months

2006-01-18T10:06:00.000-06:00

Man, last night was such a great night... I'm still smiling this morning, lol. Yesterday was Dustin's and my 6 month anniversary and while that may not seem like such a big deal to some, it is a big deal to me. I have never had a six month anniversary before, although I suppose it's been my fault. I have only really loved 3 people... half, if you include Josh, which I don't, because I did love him but not in the way you should love someone in that kind of relationship. Ben and I had that puppy love thing going although at the time I was so sure it was the "real deal." Rich and I had this incredibly passionate.... but always at the wrong time... kind of thing. I will cherish the parts that were good and try to forget the parts that were bad. But Dustin and I have had these great 6 months and all I can do is look forward to the next 6.... and the 6 after that... and the 6 after those ones.... forever and ever.

So Dustin came over last night and we went grocery shopping and then came back here and made tacos. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO yummy, I love taco night. Mmm.... I'm still kinda hungry for more, lol. I gave him his present, which was just a picture of us in a frame, but he doesn't have any pics of us yet so I thought it'd be fitting. We watched some TV and then made apple enchiladas, which were okay although I think they needed more cinnamon sugar or something. Anyway, we watched a movie (Dustin fell asleep, what a lame-o) and then, of all things, played MONOPOLY. Lol, how odd and funny is that? I, of course, kicked his ass, hehe, and it was so silly and fun. I love that boy.

Tonight Amber, Shannon and I are going out for food and then possibly bowling. I'm really psyched to have a girls night, especially with both of them since it's very rare that Amber's in town and the three of us are able to hang out. So it should be giggly and fun and I almost don't want it to get here because all too soon I'll be back home again. Why can't the fun times just last forever?

Work is.... work. I feel jaded. Monday was a BAD day so yesterday I called in sick because I'm not completely sure how to handle everything. I think I may call Lexie and see which store she's getting because I may want to transfer. At least I know I'd be getting hours and she wouldn't be playing favorites the way that Tracey does. Sometimes I feel like Tracey is so two faced and it just makes me angry because I feel like I'm back in high school or something. I swear.... I really wish I were back at Penney's where there wasn't any work drama. I seriously miss that.

Anyway, time for breakfast. More soon.

Feels So Good!

2006-01-15T17:47:00.000-06:00

I am so happy. And I'm not even really sure why. I really do believe that this no school thing is a good idea, at least for now. I feel less stressed out in all other aspects of my life and it is just good. Work is really great, I've been so much peppier and happy... I don't find myself getting annoyed with customers like I used to and I am genuinely glad to be there. It's just making me feel so damn good, I can't even begin to explain it.

This weekend was good, on Friday Ryan, Shannon, Amber, Dustin and I went to Leaning Tower for Shan's birthday and it was a good time, as usual. Thing is, we definitely need to go on Saturdays from now on because any other day is EXPENSIVE. I say long live 2 for 1's, lol.

Amber stopped by last night for a bit before I had to get to bed (had to open this morning so it was early to bed last night). We had a good talk and it was fun, I miss that girl like crazy. I definitely wish that we could hang out more and I know I keep saying that D and I are going to come to LaCrosse for a weekend. Hopefully we'll be able to do that now that we're both working and not in school. I'm sure that weekend will be super psycho, lol.

I also had a good talk with my mom today, of all people. I have to say that I am really happy with the relationship Mom and I have because we're actually starting to become friends. I called her up for some cooking tips and we just sort of caught up on things and it was nice. I do wish that my dad and I could somehow have a better relationship but I'm unsure of that ever happening. It does make me sad but I just feel like we have different opinions about how I should handle my life... our similarities sort of end at our bad tempers and that makes me sad. I guess I haven't really tried to make things better but isn't he supposed to be the one with more life experience and shouldn't he be the one to be acting like a grown up? Maybe that still sounds childish on my part. And maybe that's why our relationship is still the way it is. I don't know.

Grandma's move out date from the rehab place keeps getting pushed back. She was supposed to be getting out this Wednesday but it got pushed back to the 28th because her knee is bad and she's having trouble walking on it. She does sound good otherwise, no coughing since she quit smoking and that makes me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy! I really hope that once she comes home she stays off cigarettes. Grandpa's not doing as well but it seems like it's because he missing Grandma and he's bored by himself. In a way that makes me feel good because both of them seem more affectionate and appreciative towards each other. I think this experience actually helped a lot more than it hurt and that just makes me feel great. I worry a lot about them so it's good to know that they still rely on each other.

My trip with Dustin to Chicago is now set for February 24th - 26th. I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited for him to meet my family and vise versa. I know they're going to love him.... I mean, who doesn't think he's awesome? I just really hope by then that Grandma and Grandpa are settled. I'm also worried because Aunt Robyn's dog Dakota could seriously go at any time and I'm scared of it happening right before or during our trip. Maybe that sounds selfish but I'm more worried about Aunt Robyn than us. Dakota is Aunt Robyn's baby, her kid, and I know it is just going to kill her when she's gone. She's had that dog since before she married Uncle Bill and Dakota's been with her through so much. Hopefully she'll understand that Dakota's going onto a better place and that she won't be in pain anymore. But I know how much that kind of loss can hurt and I really hope she let's me be there for her when it finally happens.

Everything else is good and calm. Dustin's coming out here tonight after he's done with work so I'm happy. Our 6th month anniversary is Tuesday and I'm psyched even though I have to work 8 hours till close. We're settling into each other and it just feels really good to have him as part of my support system. He's one of my best friends (and I'm saying one of because Amber and Shannon are just as important) and I am so absolutely lucky to have such a wonderful and special person in my life.

Man. I'm still a sap, lol.

Anyway I have to PEE so more soon! Love and kisses!

Trips and Roomie Troubles?

2006-01-10T15:20:00.000-06:00

Okay, if you're someone that feels the need to be a complete annoyance, please just feel free to walk out of my life and not talk to me again because I really don't feel like wasting my time anymore.

Anyway.

So Amber and I had a good long talk today which, of course, left me feeling good. It's not like Amber and I talk super often but when we do we have such good conversations and it just makes me feel really good to have a friend like her. She let me know about a few things that I think maybe I should be worried about but I'm not entirely sure how to handle them. I don't want to butt into anyone else's business, especially considering that none of this has been shared with me, but now that Amber's given me a heads up I really do want to say something. I know she's going to, though, so maybe I'll let her handle it and I'll jump in if I'm needed. I hope there won't be too big of an explosion.

I am SO excited for the couple of trips that D and I have coming up. The trip to Virginia Beach isn't till this summer but I still can't wait to go even though I'm a little nervous to meet his relatives. Then again, if they're anything like him I'm sure it'll be fine. In February, probably the 17th through the 19th, we're going to Illinois so that D can meet my relatives. The way it'll probably work is that we'll get into Illinois early enough to go out to dinner with everyone, which should be super fun. We'll stay the night at either Aunt Robyn's or Aunt Gayle's and then the next day go into Chicago to get a hotel room and then kinda check out the city. Stay in the hotel that night, of course, and then the next day we'll stop to say goodbye to everyone before we head home. Should be really fun. AND I guess Benji stopped into town the other day and asked D when we're coming to Menomonie to visit Benji, his wife Rebecca, and their kids. So I'm sure we'll have to do that sometime soon also. Eep, lots of travelling with my favorite boy.

Okay. So my roommate Nikki. She just came back on Sunday with her boyfriend and I already find myself getting slightly irritated. First off, her boyfriend had been here the whole time, even when she's at classes. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Does he have no life? Or nowhere to live? It's one thing to have your boyfriend come over and spend the night but it's another to just let him make himself at home. PLUS, last night I was FREEZING so I went downstairs to check the temp. Nikki's boyfriend had had the window in her room open all day and I figured that the house just hadn't totally warmed up. Turns out someone turned the heat down to 60! Like... it was probably 11 at night before I even checked, it would have been FREEZING in the morning had I not. Kind of rude. Let's hope this isn't going to turn into anything else.

Anyway. Gotta find out where Dustin is, he had yet to call me today and I need to get confirmation from him for Illinois. More soon!

Goodbye

2006-01-09T22:00:00.000-06:00

Lord.

I swear it's like drama constantly follows me. I try to be a nice, good person and I try to be mature and people just seem to want to come back and kick me in the ass. I don't understand, I try to explain exactly how I'm feeling and it's like I walked up and spit in someone's face.

Take James for instance. I have tried SO HARD to be nice. I have tried explaining to him where I'm coming from, suggesting we open up some communication. I thought that we had a good friendship and that this was just a little disagreement that would eventually be okay again. I e-mailed him and explained I was never trying to hurt him, just trying to voice my opinion, and that it really hurt me when he came back at me basically telling me what a bad friend I was and how I act like I'm better than him. So then today in his blog I read about how tired he is and how he's ready to burn some bridges. And it seriously pisses me off because he never even bothered to call me, to talk about things like mature adults (which he claims he is). I don't know what his deal is. Fine, I know he didn't exactly have the best childhood and people treated him badly but what right does that give me to just end a friendship that he claimed was important to him. I truly do not feel like I ever did anything wrong to him and rather than be a man about it he's just going to "burn his bridge." James, you are a scared little boy and until you get over it that's all you're ever going to be. And girls can see that and THAT is why you are not in a relationship right now, because you can't even make peace with your past. Grow up and grow a pair.

As for Rich, I've basically come to realize that he is one person that will never change. I am beginning to wonder if he ever had any feelings for me or if everything we had, even the things that I thought were good, was just a game to him. This is why I have no closure, because to this day I am left wondering if my first real true love, not puppy love, was just some fake little game to boost some guy's ego. And that just makes me sick. I look back and I have some mixed feelings about some of my exes. I can say my cases of real puppy love ended good and that makes me happy because my teen years, up till 19 anyway, were good. But with Rich, I seriously just feel so damn sick to my stomach. All I want to know is why he had to play all those games with me and hurt me and make me feel like I was less of a person. I want him to know how badly he made me feel, how much he hurt my confidence, that he broke some much of the spirit I used to have. I am working so damn hard to build myself back up after the years I knew him but I'm really not sure I can ever get back every single part of me. There are some things that I had to go through because of him that I wish I could tell him just so that I could hurt him. I'm sick of trying to be a nice person and trying to believe that everyone has a little bit of nice in them. Because Rich doesn't. He does not have on drop of nice in him.

Relationships are funny things. Some relationships bring out the absolute best in you and others.... the worst. There are some people in my life that I can only look back and see happy things.... they never ever intentionally hurt me, they've been there for me, we are with each other through the good times and the bad times and when we're mad at each other we make up in the end and apologize. And then there are people that I have a hard time remembering any good things. It's like, I know they were there because I don't just find myself drawn to people that are mean and horrible.... but now I look back and there are just SO MANY bad things that they overcome the good. And that makes me sad.

Okay. Time to put this to rest. You don't want to be in my life? That's fine.

More soon.

No More School... For Now.

2006-01-05T22:23:00.000-06:00

Well, I am back from Mom and Dad's. It was a pretty boring couple of days except for one big thing.

D and I pretty much sat around watching movies. But it was nice, I love just hanging out with D and I love that we don't have to go away and plan huge weekends in order to have fun with each other. And it makes me so happy that he gets along so well with my folks (although I am not fond of them going out to smoke together).

The big thing. I am taking some time off from school. How much time? Not sure, at least this semester, obviously. Why? I just have no ambition whatsoever and I'm getting really sick of being so stressed about money all the time. Not to mention that at this point a degree just isn't very important to me, I'm happy working where I'm at and moving up at 'Bou. If I eventually decide I want more then I'll go back to school. Maybe it won't be as easy but right now isn't exactly all rosey. I know some people may not support this decision but right now I need this for me and I feel this huge amount of relief coming along with it. I'm tired of hearing everyone telling me that I NEED college to get by in life. Why do people come up with all this garbage?

Anyway... Shan came over tonight for a girls night and now I am SUPER tired to it's time for bed. More soon.

2006

2006-01-02T11:18:00.000-06:00

Hmm, a little update before D and I leave for Mom and Dad's for a couple of days...

Christmas was okay but a little sadder than usual. Grandma's in a rehab clinic because she fell and hurt her hip.... she had to have hip replacement surgery and now she can barely walk so they have to teach her how to walk again. It's all really bad, especially because we couldn't even check her out for Christmas Eve so, basically, we were one person short. Plus Aunt Robyn's dog Dakota isn't doing well and she ended up getting sick in the middle of everything and Aunt Robyn, needless to say, was super upset. So yeah.

I did meet Marc, Aunt Gayle's new guy, and he seems pretty okay so maybe this one will be a good one although I still kinda think she's moving really fast. Then again, who am I to talk?

New Years Eve was okay. Dustin didn't get there till after midnight because his stupid job had him closing. I really hate Perkins these days. But we had fun, everyone had lots to drink, we played games and talked and everything went by REALLY FAST. The food was good (especially the smokeys, good job Shan) and Dustin looked AWESOME when he finally got there. So yeah.

Now D and I are heading to Mom and Dad's for a few days and to kind of end the last of my winter break before classes start again. Break went by WAY TOO FAST and now I have to countdown for SPRING BREAK because Dustin wants to go somewhere awesome, so I'm way psyched.

Anyway... time to head out. More soon and happy 2006 all!

All Moved In

2005-12-21T15:31:00.000-06:00

Well, the good news is that I am all moved into my new place. Yesterday and today have been a little crazy and now both my legs kill and my knee isn't doing too well; I'm having trouble just walking down the stairs! But I am ALL MOVED OUT of the hellhole and thank God to that!

I met one of my other roommates, Ashley, who seems pretty cool. It's been pretty quiet around here because both Brittni and Nikki are good for Christmas. But that's also kinda nice because I've been able to get my room almost all set up. So yay to that!

The bad news? Well, I went to read James' blog and his entry made me want to comment. James and I haven't spoken since I finally decided to speak my peace and he acted like I was being a bad friend, but I never assumed that because of all that our friendship was just O-V-E-R. However, I guess that's what James has decided because when I went to leave a comment about what he wrote I found that I am no longer a member on his blog.

You know what James? If you don't want to hear opinions then don't give any option for anyone to comment. You're damn right I don't agree with you because when you wrote that entry about how sad you are because you don't have a significant other I was annoyed. The fact that you act like your life is over simply because you're not part of a couple is stupid. I'm not going to sit around telling you it's fine to walk around moping about something like that. So fine James. We aren't friends anymore.

I'm taking a nap now... I haven't gotten any sleep the last few days so it's time to catch up.

More soon.

Packing Up My Life

2005-12-19T20:31:00.000-06:00

What a day.... I never assumed that today was going to be "one of those days" but it totally was. Let's see:

So I get to work and it's automatically crazy. Lexie was kinda pissy at Tracey and, well, she had every right to be. Tracey spent from about 11 to 2 on the phone rather than helping to put away the order like she was supposed to be doing. And it's not lke Lexie and I were just sitting around, it was steady during my entire shift, which seems busy when you're trying to get other stuff done. It just felt totally crazy.

Rich came in around 2:45. It was weird. But it wasn't. Does that make sense? I was busy, OF COURSE. So I didn't get much of a chance to say anything to him and maybe it was better that way because I'm pretty sure I would have stuttered and not made much sense. He looked good. And he smelled good. And for a second I kind of wanted to cry because it hit me in those few minutes how much I really miss him. But not in that "Man I miss having sex with him" or that butterfly feeling that that special someone gives you. I really miss.... just him. I've been thinking lately about what it would have been like if we had just been friends. Then again, maybe it took going through ALL OF THIS to realize everything. I don't know. I think I'd like to see what it's like to have Rich as my friend. I'm not exactly sure if he cares to talk to me much anymore or not but I know I'd like that. He didn't make a good boyfriend to me... (actually, he was a good boyfriend but not for me at that point in my life and not the way I wanted a boyfriend to be at the time) and it wasn't his fault and it wasn't mine; we just were not meant to end up together. Wow, how long has it taken me to admit that? And I know I've been sitting around saying that I'm owed an apology and that I am so angry with him and all that. But.... what's the point of life if you don't eventually realize that it's too damn short and sitting around waiting for an apology is a waste of some very good time.

Um.

I think I'm really sad right now. Today was my last day working with Lexie and that makes me super bummed because she's my favorite person at Caribou. I mean, I love almost everyone I work with but she made it super fun and she's someone I think I could actually be friends with outside of work. So that makes me sad. Then there's Rich, which makes me sad because I'm angry for wasting these past.... whatever..... being mad at him. And I'm sad because I have to move out of my nice apartment all because that BITCH has to be a, well, bitch. And I'm sad because I got totally ditched for football and beer and the quickie beforehand seriously didn't help because now I want more, lol.

I'll be better. It's just been awhile since I've sat by myself and had a really good cry. So I'm going to go do that now. And then I'm going to finish packing up my life AGAIN.

More soon.

Oh, by the way. So I begged and pleaded to have Dustin stay here tonight just because I wanted to be cuddled and he SO did not want to have to drive all the way back here so I made a little deal. I'd stop begging if he gets a haircut while I'm gone for Christmas. Ha! Who's the queen? That'd be me.

Presents with D

2005-12-18T13:40:00.000-06:00

Happy 5 Month Anniversary to D and Me!!!

Hehe, okay, that was sorta nerdy. But hey, I'm allowed to be proud! This is now my longest relationship and the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. So there!

Last night Dustin and I did our Christmas. I was kinda nervous about one of his presents because it's a long sleeved button up shirt with lots of stripes and colors. He's always saying how he doesn't like lots of stripes and colors but the shirt is SO nice so I HAD to get it for him. He likes it though, so yay for that! He opened it and was like, "Ooooh baby, I like!" Hehe, so yay to that! I also got him this chocolate brown courderoy (sp?) blazer that we saw in Kohl's back in September. He was super in love with it and I ended up having to go to three different Kohls (with the help of Shan) to find the right size. He was so psyched when he opened it! Yay me!

As for what D got me, he did a good job! In the little bag he gave me there were these super cute dark pink mittens.... so absolutely adorable and warm, I love them! And a picture frame... he wants to get a pic of us when we go out for our Christmas dinner next week to put in the frame. And a mix CD of all the songs that make him think of me... how cute is that? I can't wait to listen to the whole thing, probably on my way to work or something. He also got me this framed picture with the Chinese symbols for love, good luck, longevity, prosperity and happiness. Super cool, I can't wait to put it up in my new room. D did well.

Today Dustin took me out to lunch at Olive Garden.... super nummy but really filling. He's so super cute.... God I adore him *huge gigantic smile*

And now here I am... I bought the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants DVD so I think I'm going to go watch that and then I have to start organizing my stuff to pack up. And take a nap. Sooooo, more soon!

The Need To Forgive

2005-12-16T19:49:00.000-06:00

Well, Sunny is gone. Yesterday a woman and her five year old daughter came to meet Sunny and I really liked them... so now they're Sunny's new family. It sucks so much, I didn't think I would miss her so much but it was so weird getting up in the middle of the night and not have her play "attack cat" or to come home after work and not have her run up to greet me. It was one thing when I had to give away Kizzy an Pippy, it was like getting rid of a child with Sunny. But at least I know she's with good people.

I seriously HATE Kassi for screwing my life up like this. I don't walk around hating people generally but that girl has fucked up so many things in my life. My folks are having to fork over major money to get me out of this situation, I've had to call the police multiple times which is SO embarrassing, I had to give up my pet, I'm having to move AGAIN after three months, my relationship with my boyfriend had been strained..... all because Kassi think that she should ALWAYS get her way, she thinks she deserves EVERYTHING, she thinks she can be a total bitch and get away with it. I'm done with her once I move out, I better never hear that bitch's name again. But I pray to God karma kicks her in the ass because people like that do not deserve to just get away with what they do. Something or someone needs to teach her a lesson about being a good, selfless person.

Anyway. I just had to say that. I have a lot of anger built up over her and I'm sure it'll take me awhile to get that anger all out of my system.

I was supposed to see Rich today. He was going to come into Caribou to pick up a Microsoft Office CD that I had of his. I borrowed it when we were still talking, then we stopped talking and I wasn't planning on being nice enough to give it back to him. But eh.... after living with Pyscho Bitch I realize that I need to stop being so petty about stuff like this. Anyway, so Rich was going to come in and pick it up at the 'Bou but he ended up not being able to. And I was SO nervous. I mean, I haven't seen him or even spoken to him on the phone since May and I don't know what it will be like seeing him again. Part of me really wants to say, "Hey, let's just be friends!" But part of me cannot let go of the way that he hurt me.... his words hurt me SO bad. It hurts that he told me more than once that he wouldn't walk out of my life and then he did just that. It hurts that he claimed to care about me but then sat on the phone using such hurtful words. I just don't know if I can let go of that, especially since he hasn't even apologized. He has admitted that he knew he hurt me.... but I NEED that apology and I need him to say, "Krysten I am sorry for doing this..." and then to tell me exactly what he's sorry for so that I know he knows what he did. Maybe that sounds childish but that is what I need to be able to forgive him. I do want to forgive him. But it's not just as easy as me saying the words.

ANYWAY.

I don't know if I mentioned this but I found a new place to live, a townhouse in Maplewood with three female roommates. It's SUPER nice and I'm really excited to move in. Dustin and I went out there the other day so I could pick up my keys and I'm going to start moving my stuff over on Tuesday. Thank GOD I will finally be getting out of here.

Okay.... comp's gonna shut off. More soon!

Bloggin/Journaling.

2005-12-14T17:35:00.000-06:00

You know, when I started "blogging" I found that I loved it so much that I gave up on my handwritten journaling. I type faster than I can hand write and I liked the idea that others could read my words and comment on them, it made me feel less alone.

These days I'm finding that I am much more into my handwritten diary than I am into my blog. I am trying to blog more simply as a way to make sense of certain things that are going on around me but I don't find myself needing to write like I used to.

The thing that makes me so sad is that from around the end of high school to the beginning of my third year of college I don't have any written records. The entire point, to me, of keeping a journal was to be able to go back and remember the things that have happened to me. I've had quite a few blogs in that time and all of them have since been deleted. I have no record of the time that I spent with Rich when things were GOOD. I have no record of how I felt during my first year of college. I have no record of my first huge heartbreak, of moving back home for a year, of meeting Josh.... and that makes me incredibly sad!

It's been so fun rereading my old diaries and remembering that person and those times. But for about two years I have this big gaping hole that I can only fill with the half memories. What happens when I get older and those memories fade?

I know a lot of people don't keep diaries, they don't take pictures or videos or anything. Some people would rather forget than have to remember. I just don't know how you can stand that. It was really hard to go back and read about my breakup with Ben because I remember how raw that was.... but at least I can remember what first love was like when I go over those words from the girl that I used to be.

I do like blogging and I do like this blog. But it's just not the same in my mind.

More soon.

His Best Friend Hates Me

2005-12-12T10:30:00.000-06:00

What do you do when your boyfriend's best friend doesn't like you?

I've never much had to worry about this issue because I've never really dated anyone long enough for it to really matter. A couple of Ben's friends met me once but I think that fact that I had the hugest boobs ever made them like me. And it didn't change the fact that his mother hated me.

After that there was Bjorn, Adam, John, and Tom and I wasn't with any of them long enough to even really get to know them, let alone meet their friends.

Then there was Rich. Adam Momsen already knew me and for the entire time we were dating I thought that was a good selling point. Till I found out much later that Adam told Rich not to date me. But I suppose this is where the term "ignorance is bliss" comes into play. The only other friend of Rich's I met, if I can remember, while we were dating was Paul, who is pretty much the gay male version of me so of course we're madly in love with each other. When Rich and I broke up it pretty much ended up with his friends, aside from Paul, not liking me very much. And it sucked but that's not nearly as bad as when your current boyfriend's best friend doesn't like you.

I met a few of Josh's friends but A) I didn't mean them long enough to make an opinion and B) I listened to their band's music so I was A-OK to them.

So then there's Dustin. I always assumed his friends liked me because I've gone out to the bars with them, I've been at parties with them, I've been in the house when Dustin wasn't even home. Bubba and I have always been nice to each other and while it sometime drove me nuts that Dustin would rather go down and have a smoke and a beer with Bubba rather than stay in bed and cuddle with me for an extra house, I dealt.

Then yesterday happens. Dustin is the type of boyfriend to do exactly what he says he's going to do, sometimes even earlier than he said he would. He doesn't do this because he's whipped, at least not in my opinion, but because he's a good guy that cares about that kind of stuff. So when he tells me he'll call me when he wakes up and his waking up time comes and goes, I got worried. I called at 1 and no answer so I figured he must have slept in and I left a message. At two I called again but no answer and I left no message. At three I started to get worried so I left a message telling him to please call me so I wouldn't worry. At four I started to get scared. Dustin's at his dad's right now so I figured that if his phone wasn't working he'd call from his dad's. So I called him again and left a message telling him I was scared and could he please call me back. I thought maybe he was mad at me for something and I didn't know but in my head my main thoughts circled around him being hurt.

So then I text Bubba, Dustin's best friend. I figured if he was hurt Bubba could tell me or at least let me know that they got home safe from the bars the night before. So I sent Bubba this text:

Do you know where Dustin is? He was supposed to call me and never did and won't return my calls.

After I sent it I sort of realized I sounded like a girlfriend trying to keep tabs, which I wasn't. So I sent him another message:

Look if he's mad at me or something fine, I'll deal with that but I just want to know that he's okay.

Bubba never texted me back and I assumed he was at work and couldn't. I continued to worry.

Finally around 5:30 Dustin calls and explained that his phone wasn't working and he didn't think to call from another phone because he didn't think I'd be worried. We talked and he got to work and I was relieved and it was fine.

A little later Dustin took a smoke break and called me. As we were talking Bubba drove by. And I frankly don't care if he was drinking or what his problem was but I could hear him bitching about me and how he doesn't keep tabs on Dustin and isn't his dad. Dustin got back on the line with me and I confronted him about it and told him he needs to talk to Bubba because I wasn't trying to keep tabs and wasn't assuming he did either, I had just been worried and figured Dustin's best friend might have known something.

So after I got off the phone I sent Bubba this text:

You do not need to act like that. I just wanted to know I just wanted to know if you knew if D was okay. That doesn't mean that you have to act like a jerk. I thought you might know, I didn't realize I'm not allowed to ask you questions. I just won't speak to you, so sorry.

A second later he responded:

Good to hear psycho bitch. I'm not his dad... I don't keep tabs on him all the time.

I'm sorry but what the hell right does he have to talk that way? It's not like I called him and said, "Where the fuck is Dustin, is he fucking cheating on me, tell me what's going on???" I made it clear that I was just worried and hoped Bubba knew that D was okay.

Sooooo, I texted him back once more:

You have no right to act that way I was WORRIED and I thought you might have known if something was wrong. I've never done a fucking thing to you so stop treating me like shit.

I didn't hear back from him and I told Dustin what happened and that he needs to talk to Bubba because I do not deserve to get treated like that. It really hurts me, especially because I don't want Dustin to be in the middle of his best friend and girlfriend not liking each other. Bleh.

Okay... speaking of which I need to go wake D up.

Advice?

2006 Survey

2005-12-09T21:05:00.000-06:00

This is a survey I did at this time last year. My answers from last year are in parenthesis and italics.

"What For 2006

All answers pertain to the year 2006

What is your favorite tv show? Hmm.... Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill (I'm addicted), Veronica Mars, The OC, Reunion, ER, Desperate Housewives, and Greys Anatomy
(I have to say I didn't start watching any new shows for 2004. I guess except Laguna Beach. A guilty pleasure, hehe)

What is your favorite movie? From this year... The 4th Harry Potter, Elizabethtown, and War of the Worlds
(My fav 2004 movie, huh? Harry Potter baby!)

What reality show couldn't you live without? Real World, most definitely, even though I missed the end of this season. Oh and I LOVE Extreme Makeover Home Edition, it makes me cry!
(The topper for me is always Real World)

What was your biggest accomplishment this year? Hmmm.... getting over Rich
(Being accepted to River Falls and adjusting so well to my new life in RF)

What is your biggest regret for this year? Thinking that Kassi was a real friend to me and not seeing her for who she really is until it was too late
(Continuing to go after Rich despite how horrible he's treated me. Breaking hearts because of him, letting my own heart break because of him.... living too much in the past and not enough in the present)

What one thing would you have done differently? Spent less time crying over Rich and more time cuddling up to Dustin
(Spent more time with my friends)

What was your best day? There were a few great days.... ValleyFair, the weekends at my parents' (I know, who would have guessed I'd like spending the weekend with my folks????), my birthday
(Hmm... probably the night Doug came to Woodbury. A few of us (I can't even remember who... Amber, James... was anyone else there) went to Target and bought glow sticks. We were so hyper that night and had so much fun. I definitely need more fun, silly nights and days like that)

What was the most memorable book you read this year? Hmmm.... I reread some greats. I really like In Her Shoes. And, of course, the 6th Harry Potter
(DaVinci Code. That or We Need To Talk About Kevin)

What didn't you get to do this year, that you wish you could have? Hmmm.... I don't know, actually. It was a pretty good year for doing the things I wanted to do
(I really wish I would have done more than just work and my photography class this summer. I wanted to go to ValleyFair and to the cabin more... maybe get a tan!)

What is the biggest change in you or your life over the past year? Getting over Rich was HUGE for me, as was finding such a great love in Dustin. I lost someone I thought was a friend and realized that some people don't have good in them no matter how deep down you dig. I found out that I need to do things that make ME happy even if it means disappointing others and going against the norm.
(I think I've learned a lot. I now think I know what I REALLY want in a man and I learned how to not take my friends for granted. I'm learning how to live on my own and deal with everything. I'm learning to be happy.)

I Hope For 2006

Hmm.... what do I hope for 2006. I hope I can mend some broken relationships.... maybe not have them the way they used to be but morphing them into something healthier and happier. I really hope I can finally graduate and figure out what on earth on was to do workwise. I hope that Dustin and I continue on the path we're walking down and continue to love each other more and more every day. I hope my friends find every happiness that they deserve and I hope that come this time next year my Grandma's still around.
(I hope the new year will bring? I hope the new year will bring a lot more self discovery. I want to be able to spend a lot more time with my friends and to stop being so lazy when it comes to school. I want to work hard and save my money. I'd love to find someone to love and am hopeful that the person I really adore right now will be the one I love. I hope I can stay strong in the decisions I've made about Rich and with my diet, hehe.)

Fill in the blanks.

I hope? I will find so much happiness and goodness (I will be the happiest I've been)
I hope? That I will continue down the path of learning how to trust, to love, and to make good decisions (I become even closer with my wonderful friends)
I hope? I can learn to live for the moment (I can learn to trust and love)
I hope? I can start writing again (I can start writing again)
I hope? I can enjoy being young while I am young (I can learn to stop living so much in the past)
I hope? Life can slow down A LOT (Life can slow down a little)

Between Laundry.

2005-12-09T19:58:00.000-06:00

Just another one of my little updates while I'm waiting for my laundry to get done.

The semester is almost over, YAY! I've got a little studying to do and then finals this week but then FREEDOM! Thank God because I was starting to feel totally worn down. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even bothering aside from the fact that having a degree makes me feel like I have a safety net. I dunno. I just want to be done with school, I'm so sick of it. That sounds super lame, maybe I've just got the "I wish to hell I could start winter break already" blues.

I'm checking out a few places tomorrow and *fingers crossed* I'll find somewhere to live so I can get the hell away from Psycho Bitch. She got all mad because I set a trap and caught her going through my stuff so she threatened to get Dustin thrown out and broke something of mine. I swear to God the girl thinks she can get away with anything. Um, by the way Psycho Bitch, no one thinks you're sane and you can't just act like this and not have anything bad happen to you. Dumbass.

Sorry. She makes me want to hit her upside the head with a frying pan.

Work's good. Our paychecks are stuck on a grounded flight in Chicago so I'm a little ticked but, eh, maybe that will keep me from spending what little money I have.

D's good. We're exchanging presents NEXT SATURDAY and I am SUPER excited to see what he got me and EVEN MORE SUPER EXCITED to give him his presents! I really hope he likes the one present... I'm a little nervous about it. We shall see.

New Year's Eve at Shannon's BITCHES! I better see all the cool people there.... and if you aren't there then I guess you really aren't that cool. Sucks to be you.

My grandma's in the hospital. Please take a few minutes to say a prayer for her, I know I'm not into the whole church thing but I do believe that prayer helps and right now she needs lots of help because she's really not doing well. I'm not ready to give her up, she's still got way too much to teach me.

Studying all weekend. Bleh.

Does anyone else think Orlando Bloom is super fine. Yeah. He is.

Okay, that's enough. Time to fold the laundry!

More soon.

Ding Dong The Bitch Is Dead

2005-12-05T08:43:00.000-06:00

Long story short because I have to go finish getting ready for milk and Sundae keeps trying to stick her paw in my cereal....

Psycho Bitch got us kicked out of the apartment.... which is kind of a good thing expect that now I have till the end of December to find a new place to live and my dad has to fork out A LOT of money. What happened? Came home from classes one day last week to find a lipstick scrawled message on my mirror saying "Stop stealing my stuff." Funny because she's the dumbass that steals my stuff! Wasn't going to say anything expect I turned around to find her standing behind me so I told her I found the note funny since she's a klepto. Of course she starts screaming because that's the only way she knows how to handle conflict. So I said somehting back and she proceeded to hit me and yank out some of my hair. I had to go into my room at call 911. Police came, lectured us both (I love getting blamed, it feels like I'm living at home again), the apartment management got wind of it and now we're being kicked out. Hey, at least I don't have to live with Psycho Bitch anymore.

D and I are doing great.... I don't even know what else to say, there's no drama and it's just us and it's good.

Christmas shopping is ALMOST done! I have to get my brother's gift and then one more thing for my grandparents and I AM DONE! And it's only the beginning of December, how awesome is that???

So I re-read all my old diaries from 9th grade to the summer before college. Wow. First off, who the hell was I????? I don't even remember being that girl!!!!!!!!!!!!! Second... was I nuts senior year or what? I was so depressed over Ben and then started in with these random guys and.... wow. I can't really blame myself, I had no idea and at least I learned from the situation. But it made me really sad. And those years also make me miss the good ol' days when I got to see my friends almost every day and when school was actually sorta easy! What happened to that life??

Anyway.... must go finish getting ready for work. More soon!

La la

2005-11-29T13:13:00.000-06:00

Hmm.

I definitely do not write as much as I used to. Part of the problem is that my comp BLOWS and will only stay on for about 15 minutes. Yeah, it's fun.

I've been thinking about ex's A LOT lately... mostly because they're kind of just popping up. Rich and I have talked a tad online. The past of me that's forgiving just kind of wants to let my hate go and, well, forgive him. However, when we've talked to still get the feeling that he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong or that he even cares. Not to say that I don't appreciate imperfection but he can be a very cruel person and that makes me sad. Then there's Ben... last week I was reading my old diary from junior year of HS and all about my whirlwind romance with Ben. It made me really sad, actually, and I was dwelling on it for a couple of days afterwards. I think I just miss being that naive and innocent. I'm not like that at all anymore. And Josh. He called the other night. I've come to realize I never really cared for him as a boyfriend but I adore him as a friend.

All this thinking is making me love Dustin even more. I made A LOT of dating mistakes but Dustin makes up for all of them. Even if he does drive me nuts sometimes.

There is SO MUCH happening and FAST. Next week is the last week of classes and then it's finals. Then there's Christmas, then New Years, and then D and I go up to Hayward for a few days. I am SUPER psyched for the New Years party Shan and I are having, it will be THE PLACE to be.

Okay... boredom. More soon.

3 Years.

2005-11-20T15:11:00.000-06:00

It's kinda sad the way things go so bad in three years......

Lordy, and UPDATE

2005-11-17T11:50:00.000-06:00

Holy man it has been FOREVER since I posted an entry. I guess I've been a little busy/a little trying to avoid my apartment because my roommate is a psycho/and a little just not wanting to write.

At this point I don't even have that much to say. Life is the same ol'. Okay, wait.... maybe not so much. I'll do this is sections since I'm a neat freak....

Boyfriend
Things with Dustin are good. Today is our 4 month anniversary!! Yay to us! I don't know, we've just kind of settled into us and there's really not much else to say. He moved back home a few weeks ago which kinda sucks but it's good for him because he can save some money up and hopefully he'll only be there a few months. It's odd... in my head I guess I expected that if things got to the point in the relationships where everything was just comfy that means that the relationship is boring and needs some drama. Maybe that's a big reason behind my past failed relationships. And it's taken me awhile to get settled with Dustin but suddenly everything just feels good and comfortable and bright and shiny. Still.... sometimes I think to myself, "Oh my God Dustin's my BOYFRIEND!!!!" I wonder if I'll ever get over that, lol. Like, I'll be walking with him in the mall or something and I just want to tell everyone, "I am the luckiest girl ever in the world because he's my boyfriend and he loves me." *sigh*

Friends
Well.... with most of my friends things are good. Shannon and I hang out about once a week and Amber and I call each other when we can. Lewann celebrated her 21st last week so Dustin and I chilled at her place for awhile. Things with James... I dunno. I'm pretty hurt because he's basically said that I'm not a good friend to him and I feel like he has no right to say that. He seems to get mad at me about things but then just expects me to read his mind. I dunno. I miss him but I'm not about to apologize either.

Roommate
Kassi is pretty much the biggest bitch I have ever met. She's a pig, she thinks she can make up rules and not follow them, she's a liar and a loudmouth and now I understand why she doesn't have friends, why guys only want her for a fuck buddy, and why her family doesn't like her very much. Last year she lied to me about losing her baby... truth is she gave birth just fine and then gave it up for adoption because she's too selfish to deal with her own mistakes. She moves my stuff without asking but then FLIPS OUT on me if I so much as accidently brush up against anything of hers. She calls me a space pig but she's the one that takes up all the space in the fridge and leaves her crap everywhere. I have never met someone so unworthy of breathing. I've never met someone that I've hated as much as her.

Rich
Yeah you were wondering when his name would come up again, weren't you? I should mention that I talked to him online one night. Sounds like things are good, which I'm happy for. It truly makes me sad what happened between us and I wish things wouldn't have happened the way they did. He's been on my mind lately.... not because I want him back or anything silly like that. I just wish we could be friends. I keep going around and around in my head how much I absolutely hate what happened with us and how I wish we could have stopped things on better terms. Hmm. Yeah, I'd like to have Rich as a friend. Not that I can finally same I'm over him (lord that feels so good to see that in writing) I guess I'd like to see what it's like to just be his friend. Odd how that works, huh?

La de da
So yeah. What else can I say? I've still got Christmas shopping to do and that's stressing me out, my hair is at that weird in between stage and THAT'S stressing me out.... I bought my bridesmaid dress for Shan's wedding and I wish I could have it NOW because it's so pretty and I want to twirl in it, hehe. Harry Potter comes out FRIDAY and on Saturday night Shan, Ryan, D and I are double dating and going to see it which is SUPER exciting! I can't wait for Turkey day, I am so stuffing myself full of turkey and mashed potatoes. Oh, and I'm exercising which actually feels really good.

So that's all... I have to go take a test that I'm probably not going to do well on because I forgot about it and didn't study. So yeah. More soon people!

Every Time

2005-10-25T12:20:00.000-05:00

Carry me far away

Don't hold back I won't break

Leave the world behind

All I know, wrong or right

Just the thought of this night

Will get me every time

Every time

I know it's been awhile. I just don't have as much to write about these days. That may be a good thing because my life is a bit less dramatic than before. Or maybe I'm just getting lazy. Probab;y the latter.

Again I feel like evaluating my friendships. I have a few things going on that are making me think about the people in my life that I love and trust. I hate feeling like people that are supposed to be my friends, people that are pretty much family to me, don't have my best interests at heart. And then I try to say something to them and it gets turned around into me being the bad guy.

In one situation I have this friend who I thought I'd been a good friend to. We don't see each other as much anymore but we also don't keep the same kind of schedules. I thank God for the internet because it makes it easier to keep in touch with people. But it also takes away a certain kind of intimacy. How can someone accuse you of being a bad friend when you have no idea that something's bothering them and therefore don't think to ask "What's wrong?" I'm sorry that I don't read internet emotion and that when I begin talking to a friend the first words out of my mouth aren't "What's wrong." If you have a problem and want to talk about it than TELL ME rather than waiting for me to take some kind of hint. You accuse me from walking away from problems but then I ask you if you have anymore to say on a certain subject and you tell me no. Therefore I assume that things are better. I even ASKED if things were better and you said yes. I'm sick of this. I am not a mind reader and I AM a good friend. I don't want anyone to say otherwise. I do worry about my friends and when my friends have a problem and ASK for an ear to listen. But the telephone does work two ways and if I'm supposed to be an understanding friend I need to at least be told there's something that needs to be talked about. I am REALLY angry.

As for the other problem... this person isn't exactly a good friend. In fact, the people that I do consider good friends have told me to stay away from him. And so finally I told him exactly what I think about him and this results in him acting like a child, which shouldn't surprise me. I hate that people who are so flawed decide to act reactive instead of proactive and blame me for their bad lives. It's call therapy, get some.

Anyway. Done with my soapbox for the time being.

Things with D are good. I find myself loving him more and more every day. I adore the moments when he doesn't know I'm watching and he pulls some cute face and I think to myself, "Wow, that's MY boyfriend, that adorable man over there." I am seriously smitten.

I totally exhausted today and I'm not exactly sure why. At work last night Jack and I had a talk about the way things are run in my store and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks that a lot of what goes on in that place is total bullshit. I'm planning on quitting as soon as I can get my butt in gear and go *shudder* job hunting. I do love the job and if there wasn't such a thing about politics there I would stay. But those aren't my kind of politics.

I would type more. But there's too much in my head. I will try to organize it and then return.

More soon.

Underneath It All

2005-10-15T17:45:00.000-05:00

And you give me the most gorgeous sleep

That I've ever had

And when it's really bad

I guess it's not that bad

You're really lovely underneath it all

You want to love me underneath it all

I'm really lucky underneath it all

You're really lovely

I can't believe I used to update this blog every day and now I'm lucky if I get in a weekly entry. I just don't have the time and my life isn't exactly as drama filled as it used to be. And that's definitely a good thing.

School is going. I really wish I could just be done. I'm tired of having no money, of having too much homework, of having to sit through boring lectures when I'd much rather be OUT THERE. My teachers are okay and I do like Century but school just seems like old news. I know everyone says that an education is so important but so is getting experience and I don't feel like I'm getting enough of that. I feel restless. I want to move on with it.

Work is work. Suddenly we've gotten very busy, I'm sure due to the fact that the Starbucks down the street is closed so we're now getting their customers (some of who are becoming our customers). The last two days I've barely had time to breathe, let alone get things done at a normal pace. But... I don't feel like I really get any appreciation for it. Tracy always saying stuff like, "You're a star" and "Thanks for being so awesome" but it's so generic. I know she pretty much figures I'm just another person she has to boss around. It's obnoxious. This is yet another reason I wish I was done with school, so I can find a job a little bit better than getting bossed around but some airhead.

I have to say I'm a little annoyed with Aunt Gayle. She's been dating this guy Mark, which is all find and good, but he's changing her and I don't think it's for the better. When she was married to Gary and when she was dating her ex she still always paid attention to the e-mails I sent her and sent me e-mails with more than just what's going on between her and Mark. However, since she's been dating this guy all she can talk about is him and it's not that I'm not happy about her. But what about the rest of her life? The thing that bums me out the most is that she won't even be at Thanksgiving this year. I feel like I've lost a friend. I'm so trying not to be selfish, I want her to be happy. But since when did men come between female bonds?

The girls are good. Sounds like Amber's settled into married life and I can't wait to take a trip to LaX with Shan for a girls only weekend. Shan's busy planning her wedding and New Years and I try to spend at least a day a week with her so I can still remember what it's like to be a girl, lol. I'm super excited for Halloween, especially since Shan and Ryan will be there so that when D's doing his schmoozing thing I'll have some friends of mine own around. I've e-mailed a bit with Jen and it sounds like after Shan's wedding she'll be coming to stay with me till she heads back to Englad, so that should be good. Maybe we can reconnect after the last (bad) visit. I feel bad because I haven't talked to Lewann in awhile but, then again, she hasn't exactly called me either. And Christine... I don't know. I invited her out to D's for the PJ party and she told me to call and remind her. I called AND texted her and she didn't even get back to me to tell me she couldn't. It's hard to be mad at Christine because she's so.... well, she's CHRISTINE. But I can't stand people that flake out like that and this is far from the first time she's done it.

Dustin is Dustin. God I am so in love with him. Sometimes it seems so fast, only nearly three months. But other times I swear I've been with him a lifetime already. And maybe with anyone else that would seem so played out and cliche but with D it just seems absolutely right. The fact that we've had multiple conversations about marriage and kids and I don't have to feel weird about that makes me feel so GOOD. I knew when I met D there was something there. Hell, I chased him for almost a year before I got him. And sometimes I wish it wouldn't have taken so long for us to come together. Then again, I have to be thankful because maybe I wouldn't have seen him as well, what with Wrong being in the picture. Sometimes I just want to move everything forward... I'm too impatient. And other times I just want to pause the moment that we're in forever and ever, just stay with him underneath the covers, curled into his body, held tightly and safely with his breath on my neck.

Life.

More soon.

Kassi, Halloween Costume, and DMB

2005-10-07T14:23:00.000-05:00

Well first things first. Kassi and I... kinda fixed a few things. Basically she started threatening me about stupid things. I was at school yesterday and texted her to say PLEASE at least try to be nice to me. I'd been trying to find someone to move into the apartment and Kassi was basically threatening to act like a bitch so I couldn't find anyone. It had me SO stressed out. So she texted me back saying that she wouldn't have to act that way if I didn't treat her badly (which is dumb because what am I supposed to do, sit back and take it). So I said that to her and then told her that I wasn't going to move out so we had to find a way to live together. So... we're going to sit down and come up with some ground rules. We'll never be friends, I still think she's an absolute bitch and if I had a choice I'd kick her out of the apartment. But....we have to live together, might as well try to be civil.

Last night Shannon and I went shopping for Halloween costumes. I've been stressing because most costumes out there are pretty skimpy and I'm not exactly comfortable with my body right now. So we wandered the mall and ended up at Ragstock. At first we started trying on these HYSTERICAL 80's prom dresses. Man those things were hideous! However, they were also too small, which was kind of a bummer. Then we started trying on cheerleader costumes... like, real cheerleader costumes. We each found one so.... we're gonna be cheerleaders, lol. I'm pumped, Halloween is gonna be good times!

I am SO psyched about the early Christmas present I'm going to get Dustin. I already got him a little something but then I found out that Dave Matthews Band tickets go on sale tomorrow. Dustin ADORES DMB. Thing is, I had to tell him I'm getting them because the concert is the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I wanted to make sure it was okay for him to go before I buy the tickets and turn my Thanksgiving plans upside down. He's so pumped and it makes me SO happy! I let Mom know and she thinks it'll be okay for me to drive my car to Illinois and then leave a day early to make it back for the concert. I am so psyched! I don't even like DMB that much but I know how happy Dustin is about getting to see them so whatever. EEP!

Anyway, that's the news. Gonna take a nap.

Kassi's A Bitch and A Good Weekend

2005-10-02T11:01:00.000-05:00

*sigh*

Seems my life can never just be normal.

So this is what happened and I will spell it out the way it actually happened because there is a certain BITCH going around claiming it happened a totally different way. To bad she's completely dillusional and probably also thinks that the sky is red.

On Thursday I went to Shannon's for a classic girls night: girly TV, pizza, cookies, chips, and chatting. We were all settled in when my roommate called. I didn't answer because, like a needy boyfriend, she calls me about three times a day and I can't stand it. So she left a message and I checked it to find that she was ranting about me not changing Sunny's litterbox. Which, by the way, I did, but I did it about two seconds after Sunny ate and she has this tendancy to go to the bathroom about a million times after she eats.

So I called the roommate back to explain that and she pretty much laughed at me and hung up. I tried to call her back but this girl has the maturity level of a 5 year old and has to always be right so she wouldn't even listen to a word I had to say. We ended up getting in a text war with me crying and being completely upset. I had to go home.

My night was ruined. I drove home PISSED at her. She already made me miss classes twice because she called me on the phone, bitched me out, and gotten me so upset that I couldn't attend classes. And then she goes and ruins my night with Shan.

So I got home to find her sitting on her fat ass doing NOTHING. The thing is, you can't sit there and lecture someone about a litter box when you can't get off your fat, lazy ass and clean ANYTHING. Let me explain to you all about the way that Cassandra Crowell lives. She is a filthy, disgusting pig. She hasn't even unpacked her room yet, rather she leaves her possessions all over the floor in piles. She thinks that doing the dishes mean halfheartedly putting them into the dishwasher and then not bothering to put them away when she's done. She can't be bothered to take out the trash until it's over flowing onto the floor. She does not know how to use a broom and she leaves her things all over the shared living area. Her life is made up of sleep, half heartedly going to work (only to make money to spend it on stupid shit that she claims she needs), and fucking people she's just met (by the way, that's called being a dirty whore). Oh, and she thinks that the way to get her point across is to scream like a 5 year old and call people names till she's A) embarassed them or B) hurt them so much that they give in.

That's Cassandra Crowell.

Anyway, so she's sitting on her fat ass doing nothing so I tell her that she ruined my night and that if my night's going to be ruined so is hers so we're going to clean. She sits and acts like she's too tired, which is bullshit because all she's done all day is sit on her fat ass (and I'm not trying to be mean.... her ass is fat and that's because all she does is sit on it all day). Finally she gets up and actually does something (which nearly gave me a heart attack) and the gets completely up in my face about cleaning and how much she does (in her dillusional eyes, anyway). I started to accuse her not only of being a pig but also of using my things without asking. She starts screaming at me and getting completely in my face so I finally lost it and screamed right back. Next thing I know she's HITTING ME and I'm pushing at her to get her the fuck away from me. The pyscho bitch physically assaulted me.

So after some more drama she leaves and I call Mom and Dad hysterical because I don't even feel safe in my own place anymore.

Long story short Dad is now trying to PAY HER OFF because she won't break the lease to get us both out of there. She is classic trailer park trash trying to get money from a well off family. And I am busy looking for a new place to live because I'm pretty sure Pyscho will end up pulling a knife on me if I don't get out of there soon.

So yeah. Kassi, I hope you rot in hell you disgusting, greedy, whorish trailer park trash witch. Fuck off.

I've been at Dustin's all weekend which has been so nice and drama free. He's been working a lot so I've been spending time on the computer and watching TV. It's weird to be lazy when you've been someone's maid for the last month.

Friday night we went to a wedding reception for the ex stepdaughter of Dustin's dad's girlfriend. Did you get all that? It was fun, it was Hawaiian themed which was sorta cool. It's so weird though not knowing ANYONE. I felt a little like a wallflower. But whatever, it was cool anyway.

Saturday was AWESOME. I met up with my little brother at Perkins around 5. We ate and then went with Dustin to Dick's to score some alcohol. We ended up sitting at Dustin's watching The Santa Clause 2, lol, and drinking. A little later Shan and Ryan showed up as did Walt. We played Categories, which was way too fun.

Oh it was a good night of drinking and friends and no one who's fat and out of their minds. It was so funny having Ryan there (the brother Ryan) because I've never been around him drinking before. We even called Mom and Dad which was pretty funny. Wow. By the end of the night we burned a couch and then pretty much everyone had left but D, me, Martin, and Bert. Then Ryan came back with two of his friends and Martin and Bert left. And eventually Ryan and his friends left and it was just D and me.

Here's where it gets juicy folks.

I won't go into detail but I was sitting and waiting for D to finish his beer and he told me to come sit on his lap. So I did and we kissed a little and then... well, next thing I know his hands are all over me. We're sitting outside by a fire with the stars above us... God it was hot. We ended up having sex right there on the grass which is about the coolest thing I have ever done. The grass was all nice and soft and cool and the stars were all twinkly and... yeah. It was pretty damn awesome.

Afterwards we came back inside to cuddle. All night I'd been kidding around about how silly our kids would look if we had them together and when we got into bed I started to want to take those comments back. We've only been together 2 and a half months and I don't want to scare him by letting him know that.... well, I do think about a future with him. So I told him that I was just being silly and I didn't mean anything by it and he kept touching my face and being all sing songy and going "Yes you do!" And I was all, "No, seriously D, I don't want to freak you out." Well... then he got all serious and told me he thinks about that kind of stuff with me in the picture too... and, yeah. It was cute. A really good end to a really good night.

So now here I sit. I have a house to go look at today around the Cathedral Hill area that has two guys and a girl and is looking for another person. And tomorrow I'm looking at a place in the Como Park area with 3 other girls. Fingers crossed I find something because I end up dead.

I shall keep you all informed. More soon.

You should be happy just to be alive

2005-09-28T15:25:00.000-05:00

So I haven't written in awhile. Not too much is going on. This past weekend I just worked. It actually wasn't too bad, I'm really starting to finally like work now that I'm not paranoid that my boss hates me. Then again, I'm still not completely sure that I like her. She just has this personality.... it's not even that she's blunt. Her sarcasm is just kind of uncalled for. You know when you meet someone and they feel like they can just be sarcastic with you right off the bat? It's kind of like that. Like, she and I are not into that comfort level where she can just sit and be a bitch to me but she thinks we are. It's a little annoying.

The roommate situation is TONS better. Then again, we don't see each other all that much. Yesterday was the first time I'd seen her in 3 days. Today she got us a free 25" TV from work which is kind of cool because we need a TV for our living room. But we have been getting along pretty well so it's kind of all good on that side.

D and I are doing okay too. I've still been stressed about the Alyssa which hasn't helped that much. But D and I talked yesterday and I guess he and Alyssa aren't even really talking anymore. I'm assuming what happened is that she and Nate had a fight and when she was upset she contemplated trying to get Dustin back. Now that things are better with her and Nate she's just sticking with what's easy. It's kind of disgusting; I don't really understand girls in that town. I know Dustin hates when I say that but seriously.... they all just walk around cheating on people, being slutty and being bitchy. I don't mean to sound like I'm better than them but I guess I just don't see what fun cheating on people is. It just screws things up, right? But anyway... D and I are good otherwise. Yay for Alyssa being out of the picture again!

Tomorrow Shan and I are having a chickie night. This involves pizza, ice cream, pigging out and watching girlie TV. Sounds good to me! I've been spending so much time with D lately that I haven't really had a good girl night in awhile. I really want Shan and I to take a trip down to LaX to visit Mrs. Waldo and have a girls weekend. That'd definitely be nice, I never feel like I get to spend enough time with Amber. Then again, I used to spend every single day with her so maybe that's why I feel that way. In any case, I'd definitely like an entire girls weekend. It's been awhile.... since the Maroon 5 concert, actually.

Speaking of which, I got the Maroon 5 live CD and DVD. They're the shit. Have I mentioned my love of Ryan Dusick. Seriously yummy. I love drummers.

Anyway... so that's life. This weekend I have lots going on. On Thursday after I leave Shannon's I'm heading out to D's. On Friday when he's done with work we're going out to New Richmond for a Hawaiian themed wedding reception which should be fun. And on Saturday there's the PJ party at D's.

Oh, speaking of D's, they have 45 days to find a new place before the wrecking ball knocks down their house. Fun, right?

Anyway.... that's all for now. More soon.

Update?

2005-09-23T18:39:00.000-05:00

Well, I won't be writing anything long tonight because there isn't all that much to write about. I just feel bad that I haven't really written all week!

Not too much is going on.... it's school and work and more school. In between there's D who pretty much keeps me sane.... or, insane, but a different kind of insane than school and work.

I'm not too sure what's up with Dustin and Alyssa. I know that they've e-mailed back and forth and that sorta bothers me because I know she asks about me and I pretty much feel that the only reason she does it to find out if things between Dustin and me are okay and, if they aren't, she'll swoop down and try to scoop him up. I want to trust in Dustin's love for me but I just do not trust Alyssa at all. She just seems so sneaky and underhanded. So... I'm on my guard, I guess.

Kassi is driving me a little nuts. I came home tonight to find crumbs all over the floor, the bathtub is gross.... I just want to be like "Can you please clean SOMETHING???" Not to mention she still haven't set up our Direct TV so I'm still stuck watching movies. So tomorrow when I have a little more time I'm going to vacuum and clean the tub and ask her to please just set up the Direct TV. It's not like I'm a huge neat freak but seriously. I'd like to be able to have people over and not feel embarrassed.

Um... yeah. That's sorta it. Next weekend is the PJ party at D's if anyone wants to come. Just let me know if you're interested.

Time to go relax.

More soon.

My Birthday!

2005-09-18T14:15:00.000-05:00

Well, another birthday is behind me. I am officially 22 and it was definitely a good birthday.

I can't exactly say that Friday night was the greatest. D and I got into a huge fight because I was hurt about him not telling me about Alyssa. He claims he wasn't going to tell me because he didn't want to get bitched at and I told him that I would have eventually found out and I'd rather he not keep things from me. It ended okay, I suppose. In fact, just as we were calming down around 2 in the morning Kassi brought in a cake. She had asked to borrow my car to go to the store and I couldn't figure out why she needed to go to the store so late. A little bit later she came back and then knocked on my door and asked to come in. When I let her in she had a cake with 22 candles on it. It was super sweet and helped break the ice with D.

On Saturday D and I got around around 11ish and I made him French toast. Then I took a shower and we headed to Target for a couple of things for D and the liquor store for wine and peppermint schnapps. Yummy!

When we got back we watched Butterfly Effect which is a SUPER good movie and actually makes me think that Ashton Kutcher might have a little talent. Then we cleaned the apartment a bit and kinda sat around. We played around on the net a bit and then I opened up the wine. I ended up having 4 glasses of it (Kassi also had a glass and then her mom showed up and I gave her a glass).

Kassi and her mom left to go shopping and then Doug showed up followed shortly by Lewann and Josh. I had a bottle of Kahlua white Russian and then just before we headed out everyone did a shot of peppermint schnapps (I did two because I accidently poured one too many).

We headed out to Leaning Tower of Pizza where we met up with Shannon, Ryan, James and Amber. We ordered pizzas, I opened gifts from Shan, and started off with an amaretto sour. I ended up doing 4 shots: Shannon and I each did a slippery nipple, the waitress bought me a lemon drop, Lewann and Josh bought me a lunch box and James bought me an Irish car bomb. Then Amber bought me 2 amaretto sours.... man. Holy man I drank A LOT.

Afterwards Dustin, Shannon, Ryan, Amber and Doug came back to the apartment. I know Shan had quite a few shots here and we just kind of chilled. It was SOOOOOOO much fun, thanks to everyone for a great birthday!

Around 2ish D and I went to bed. I ended up waking up sick this morning, not because I was hungover but because of the cold I had. Not good. But I ate some chicken noodle soup and D and I took a nice shower together. And so here I am.

ANYWAY! Time for a Target run to get some medicine for this cold, yuck. More soon!

Birthday Blowout

2005-09-16T11:19:00.000-05:00

Well, happy birthday to me, I suppose. 22. It's not exactly a big birthday or anything but I do love my birthday even though I never seem to have a fantastic one.

Things started out well, anyway. Shannon and James were supposed to come out to Woodbury so that we could go to dinner but neither of us knew that James had a class till 8:30. I'd already made plans with Dustin to go out to RF that night and then found out that Benji and his wife Rebecca were coming over to watch movies. I was really psyched because Benji's moving next month so I really wanted to see him. Anyway, so Shan and I went to Chili's and said that if James got done early with class we'd meet up with him for a little bit.

Chili's was okay. I wasn't a fan of the batter they used on the chicken but the Calypso Cooler was yummy! As was Shannon's Appletini. Yum! So that was good times. Afterwards we came back to my place for a little bit. I know James is mad because he felt ditched. I wish he'd understand that A) I was STARVING. I don't eat all day on the days I have classes so there was no way that I could wait till he got to Woodbury to eat. B) We truly didn't know until yesterday that his class didn't get out till 8:30. It's hard to keep track of everyone's schedules, I can barely keep track of my own most of the time. And C) I did make other plans with the intentions that I would have dinner with Shannon and James and then head out to RF. I couldn't just break those plans. So yeah. I do feel bad but it's not really my fault or Shan's. So... yeah.

Shan left around 9 and I took Kassi to work then headed to RF. I had tried sending Dustin some texts about Saturday and what not but I kept getting them back saying they weren't sent. Believe me, this will play in later. I got out to RF a little after 9:30 and around 10 Benji and Rebecca showed up. I've met Benji's wife once but have never really hung out with them so I was excited for movie night. We sat around waiting for D to get done with work and then headed back to Dustin's.

Well we made drinks and sat down to watch Back to the Future Part III. At midnight I got happy birthdays all around which was kind of a nice. A little later I went to get my chapstick from Dustin's room. His phone was there and I'm always checking his background to make sure the gay bear is there (long story). Then I figured I'd check to see if he got my texts because sometimes it'll say that the texts weren't sent even when they were. So I scrolled through his messages... and found something that made my heart drop out of my stomach.

They were texts from Alyssa, Dustin's ex, saying that she's broken up with Nate, the guy she cheated on D with and has been dating for a year, and that she wanted Dustin back. Then a text from Alyssa saying, "I love you Dustin Wade Hartenstein." I couldn't help it... I checked the texts Dustin sent to her and they were saying that he'd talk to her about it and e-mail her and that... he loved her too. I was just shocked and hurt and angry. I walked back to the living room and just sat there shaking and completely freaked out. Dustin kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn't even say anything to him. Finally I asked him if we could go to his room and talk for a minute.

So we went to Dustin's room and I explained that I had looked at his texts to see if he'd gotten mine... and then I asked him what was going on with Alyssa. I was shaking so bad and trying so hard not to cry. At first he just said nothing and... I don't know. He explained that she had broken up with Nate and did want him back but that it wasn't happening and that he loved me. It's just.... God I hate this. There are all these girls who think he's so great and then here comes his ex, who he wanted back SO BADLY. It just scares me SO BAD.

We went back to the living room and it was fun. Rebecca got fairly tanked and it was just silly and nice and I really wish Benji and Rebecca weren't moving because I really like them!

So yeah... here I am. Hoping nothing else bad happens on my birthday. Fingers crossed. More soon.

Apology

2005-09-14T16:26:00.000-05:00

Well. So here's the deal. On Monday Kassi and I got into a HUGE fight. Like, it was over practically nothing but, as usual, she started screaming and I finally just lost it. I know I have a bad temper but I've been trying REALLY HARD to keep it under control. However, it's hard when you're dealing with someone that can't even be bothered to keep her temper under control.

So we had a total screaming match and didn't speak for the rest of the night. Dustin came over and we, well, broke in my new bed. We kissed and cuddled and watched a movie. *sigh* Have I mentioned lately how much I adore him?

Anyway, the next morning I woke up and went into the kitchen... when I looked into the living room I found that she had split the living room in two with TAPE DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR. Um yeah... didn't realize we're 5 years old. I was SO PISSED. For a minute I just stood there unsure of what to do. Then I moved everything back. Screw that.

I wrote Kassi a note telling her I didn't want things to be this way but that I can't deal with her screaming and the way she handles problems. Then I sat in bed and cried. Dustin asked me what was wrong and I just snapped at him. I've been so tense because of all this that I'm snapping at everyone.

After that I called my professors to explain to them my situation and that I wouldn't be in class. I need to fix my life. Dustin and I went out to the mall for a bit then to River Falls for the rest of the day and night.

While D was at work I started talking to Doug about the situation and he suggested that I move in with him and his wife move in with Kassi. That's a long story in itself. Anyway... it pissed me off. He talked to Kassi and she said she seemed fine with it and said that if I wanted to stay I had to apologize. I was PISSED. The only thing I had to apologize for was yelling at her on Monday and I wanted her to understand that she completely provoked me. So I went off a little... then signed offline.

So this morning I came home to find another semi nicer note from Kassi. I wrote her one back and then went about my day. Well, just as I was leaving for school Kassi woke up. I didn't say anything to her and was just going to leave. Well she asked when I'd be home to talk, I told her and then told her that I bought dishwashing detergent and what not. Then she apologized. Yeah, just like that. I'm not exactly sure if I believe her yet but... it's a start. So yeah.

Anyway.... just gotta get through class tonight and then classes tomorrow and then it's my BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! Hells yeah! Guess I better get some homework done, bleh. More soon!

Yay Moving

2005-09-10T12:38:00.000-05:00

*big huge sigh of relief*

I am FINALLY in my new place, Kassi is moving in today, and hopefully things will get a little better after this. Thank GOD.

So onward to planning my birthday! As Dustin would say, "Hells yeah!"

So here's what's going on. I took off Friday, Saturday AND Sunday, how awesome is that? On Friday I'm just being lazy and having some ME time. Friday night after work Dustin's coming out to spend the night with me. On Saturday Dustin and I are spending the day together. Then that night at 8 it's Leaning Tower! Yay!

So far the guest list goes something like this:

Shannon
Ryan
James
Kassi
Dustin
Lewann
Josh (Lewann's Ex/Possible Again Boyfriend)
Doug
POSSIBLY Doug's wife Sarah
Amber
Jono

Way too much fun, I'm super excited! I expect cool shots and getting nice and tipsy!

Then sleeping in on Sunday. Hells yeah!

Anyway... moving more boxes. More soon!

Even Worse

2005-09-08T12:50:00.000-05:00

And it just keeps getting worse. I'm beside myself and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

When I got back from Dustin's yesterday morning I was really worried about how I would feel around Kassi. She said she was sorry and I know that should be good enough but... it isn't. She REALLY hurt my feelings and I really don't think that an I'm sorry is going to solve anything.

She acts nice... like nothing happened and nothing's wrong. Dustin ended up not having to go to school yesterday so he came to Kassi's instead. She asked to tag along and I said that was fine but... yeah. It's like she goes out of her way to be mean to me. She talks about how my tat looks like crap, how we'll figure out a way to "fix" my hair, how the clothes I like look shitty. I'm so sick of it.

I started to get quiet because I just don't even know how to respond to her. Finally she decided to go to Target and Dustin and I went off on our own.

All through my class last night, though, I couldn't stop thinking about how hurt my feelings are. I don't generally feel like this, usually when I have fights with my friends they don't go out of their way to say things that will hurt me. If, say, Shannon and I are mad at each other because I cancelled on her a few times in a row she wouldn't then call me up and call me a bitch and what not. Nor would she scream on me and threaten to throw my stuff on the street (if I were, say, living with her). But with Kassi if I say ANYTHING she calls me a bitch and yells at me and then threatens to throw out all my stuff. And all of this is seriously stressing me out.

Today I was trying to figure out how much I owe for rent and Kassi and I ended up getting into ANOTHER fight. Of course she called me a bitch and threatened to throw my stuff on the street. All because I suggested she pay for half the $15 a month pet fee (she's bringing her snake which isn't even ALLOWED in the apartment in the first place). I'm so sick of her temper tantrums and then getting told that "oh, I'm just stressed." Fuck off Kassi, it's not an excuse, so am I.

I don't know. I'm seriously starting to really dislike her. I just have no idea how I'm going to handle living with her for a year because I seriously cannot deal with the insults and tantrums.

I feel depressed. Seriously. I feel like I'm going through the motions of my life. Kassi has seriously broken me down so badly. I think I'm SCARED of her. How disgusting is that? And every time I go to talk to her now I feel so defensive.

I don't want her to come to my birthday. I don't want her around my friends. I don't want her anywhere near me anymore.

I don't like the person I'm being. And I'm really, really upset. I wish I could figure out what to do.

Bad Roommate

2005-09-07T10:01:00.000-05:00

Things do not seem to be getting much better in my life. In fact, they seem to be getting worse and that makes me scared.

Yesterday Kassi and I got into a HUGE fight because I told her I didn't want to cosign her loan. It wasn't a matter of trust that I based my decision on, it was simply because I don't want to have that kind of responsibility. Frankly, the only people I would ever ask to cosign on a loan would be my parents or MAYBE my grandparents.

So I told Kassi that I wouldn't cosign for it and when we hung up she acted like she would figure something else out and everything would be fine. However, after my second class was done there was a message from her crying and telling me that this is all my fault and I'm a liar and all this stuff.

I called Kassi and at first the conversation was semi rational. Then she started to flip out. She blamed me for her not having any money and said how could I not help her when I'm living at her mom's place for a week (which she OFFERED, by the way, I never once forced her into anything). She started screaming at me (meanwhile I'm AT SCHOOL and people are starting to look at me) about what a bitch I am and how she's going to put a lock on her door at the apartment and how she's going to throw my stuff out on the street. It hurt me SO BAD. I understand she's upset but the way she treated me isn't at all right and isn't at all fair.

Kassi hung up on me and I tried to call her back. I left her a message and by this time I was crying and practically hyperventilating. Then I called Dustin to tell him I was skipping my last two classes... in between tryng to catch my breath and stop crying. And in between THAT Kassi called me back. So I answered the phone, completely on my guard and actually SCARED. Kassi had at least calmed down and explained she was upset. I tried to explain myself and Kassi apologized... but I was still really hurt.

So I came to Dustin's and he calmed me down and we got food then came back to watch them tear apart his driveway. After he left I took a nap for a bit.

When I woke up there was a phone call from Kassi telling me I would have to take care of my own internet because she doesn't trust me to pay for it. Now I was just pissed, how dare she act like I'm the one who can't be trusted? So I went online and kind of bitched her out because I feel like she's pulling this crap just to hurt me even more. We finally came to an understanding but I'm not even sure how I'm going to feel comfortable around her. I've never felt so uncomfortable and on edge around one of my friends, even when we are fighting. She totally broke me down and lost my trust. I just don't know how this roommate thing is going to work anymore.

Meanwhile... things are good with Dustin and me. And last weekend Shannon, Carissa, Erica, Angie and I went bridesmaid dress shopping for Shan's wedding and found the PERFECT dress. My folks are buying me a new bed and next weekend is my birthday. But it's hard to feel happy when I feel like someone just threw me in front of a bus. *sigh*

Anyway. So there you have it. I guess I'm moving into yet another bad roommate situation.

Cell Survey

2005-09-01T13:28:00.000-05:00

Oh my god.... this is the saddest survey yet.

1. What is your current ringtone? The I Love Lucy Theme
2. What is your current wallpaper? The gay teddie bear, lol
3. Do you own a picture phone? Nope
4. If so, what was the last picture you took? N/A 5. Go to your text message inbox and type what the 10th message from the top say? "Love you baby. Night night." From D
6. How many contacts do you have on your phone? 50
7. Go to your missed calls. 5th missed call...who is it? Emalyn Cell
8. Who was the last person you spoke to on your cell phone? Um... Dustin
9. What service do you have? Cingular
10. At this very moment, how many bars do you have for your service? 6/7
11. Who's on your speed dial number 5? Grandparents
2. Do you have voicemail? Yes
13. How many contacts that start with the letter D do you have: 3 (Doug, Dustin Cell, Dustin Work)
14. Who do you call the most? Either D or Shannon
15. How many text messages do you get a month? 25
16. Can you send pictures? Nope
17. What are the last 4 digits to your number? 1754
18. Go to your sent texts, what does the eighth one say? "Is your internet working yet?" To dUSTIN
19. What about the 15th? "Bleh I cannot wait to get home." To D
20. Who's the last person that you called? Lol, Dustin
22. Last person that texted you? Dustin
23. Last person you added to your contacts? Um, Jodi, I think
24. How many minutes are on your plan? 900 anytime shared with Ryan, free night and weekends
25. Do you like your phone? Nah, it's old and falling apart
26. Wanna give out your number? Nope!

Miserable

2005-09-01T12:22:00.000-05:00

Well... so far everything is KINDA working out. After a nearly disasterous Tuesday night, might I add.

You see, I rented a u-haul truck to move all my stuff from my place to Kassi's for the week that I'll be staying at her place. I did it all online and was told that it would be ready in a town close to River Falls that day. I was supposed to recieve a confirmation call and didn't so Tuesday night I called the 1-800 number figuring that it would all be good and I would be all set for tomorrow. However, that's not how it worked. For some reason the truck was in Menomonie and when I found that out I told them to cancel it because there was no way I could drive to Menomonie, epsecially with gas being the way it is. I then called my dad because I had NO IDEA what to do. I was starting to feel upset. I mean, everything I seem to try to do is going wrong and moving is stressful enough when everything goes RIGHT. Well, we couldn't find another truck because most of them are rented out due to everyone moving places for the school year. Dad started in on his making me feel bad routine and I was just beside myself hysterical. I tried to call certain friends who not only didn't answer but then never bothered to call me back. And I couldn't really call Dustin about it because he was at work. I was at a loss, sitting in my room totally unsure of what to do. A little later Dad called me back to let me know that Mom had called Aunt Brenda who called Uncle Dick who has a HUGE truck for work.

So, it ended up working out okay but... I just can't deal anymore. Everything seems to be going wrong and it's not like I have the money to be dealing with all this. Gas prices are up so high, I barely have time to do homework (and now I have less time because I can only do the computer stuff in school until Kas and I move into the new place and get the internet set up). I'm really not liking my job and trying to figure out what to do there... it's just not good right now, my life seems so up in the air and, selfishly, I wish Amber were around because I really kind of need her right now. Amber has been my best friend for nine years and it seems like whenever things get REALLY rough I know I can count on her to help me up and cheer me up. But I know she's starting a new part of her life now. It's just hard. And sometimes I feel bad for relying on Dustin as much as I do. I just want some of the stress to go away so I can enjoy my life a little. I mean, isn't that what life's about? Or are we really meant to go through our lives feeling like we're jumping over one hurdle after another and never able to breathe.

So now I'm at Kassi's and that's a little awkward too. I feel like I'm intruding and Sundae doesn't get along with the dog or cat and... oh, it just feels all wrong. I feel like all I do these days is intrude on other people's lives. I'm sorry if I feel so incredibly self centered right now and I've been trying my best to deal with it myself but I thought the point of having friends is that they're there for you when things get tough. Kassi's being a pretty damn good friend as is D right now. But that's about all the support I feel like I'm getting. And not really anyone has any idea of all the uncertainties that are constantly running through my head. It's like I'm juggling all these balls and any second now they're going to come crashing down on me!

I know most of my entries have been pretty misarable lately. I really don't know what else to say. I'm kind of feeling miserable right now. And that's all there is to it.

More soon.

STRESS

2005-08-30T12:40:00.000-05:00

I've started to write a couple of times in here but ended up losing all inspiration. It's hard to write an entry when you know that the entire entry will be nothing but complains about things gone wrong.

Thing is, I feel really hassled right now. I have too much stuff on my plate and, frankly, I'm not all that hungry. Between moving, being hassled by my landlords, being hassled by my parents, having to get school work done, my computer not working right, gas prices going up, and my boss being a complete bitch it's SO HARD to stay positive. I try to keep in mind that by September 10th at least a few of my problems will disappear. That makes me feel a little better... but September 10th seems oh so very far away.

I have a little secret to share. I think I may quit Caribou. I know I was SO excited when I started working there but I'm really not that happy. A lot of this is because of the new boss, Tracey, who doesn't like me. But then I look around and I see other things I'm not happy with. Caribou Corporate is so stuffy and I sometimes feel like all the work I do is for nothing. I'm just not into it. So we'll see. I'd really love to bitch Tracey out for being such a stuck up bitch. She'd definitely deserve it. It's not that I want to be mean but seriously, she reminds me of every girl that I couldn't stand in high school.

Things with Dustin could not be better and I am very grateful for that. He's letting me keep all my stuff at his place, which he definitely doesn't need to do, and I know it can't be very easy to be my boyfriend right now when I'm being so negative and snappy. I'm incredibly lucky.

The sad thing is, though, sometimes I feel this great want to call Rich. Not because I miss him or really care to hear anything he has to say. I want to scream so loudly at him! It's like every day of my relationship with Dustin makes me realize how poorly Rich treated me and makes me want to hit him and hurt him the way he did for 2 and a half years. I didn't deserve the way that he treated me and he deserves to hear that. It's hard for me to not be angry and to just let go of it because I feel like so much of my time was just WASTED and I missed out on SO MUCH. I don't know, it's as if I don't have much closure. I feel perfectly fine around Dustin, it doesn't seem to be hurting our relationship. But it is something that is in my mind and I wish I could figure out what to do to get rid of it.

Okay... class is starting so I suppose it's time to pay attention. More soon!

When Will The Stress End????

2005-08-23T20:32:00.000-05:00

Wow, what a stressful day. Today was my first day of classes back at Century. I really love Century and I'm happy to be back. I don't know what this country's deal is with 4 year colleges but of the three colleges I've been to I definitely like Century best.

My Tuesdays and Thursdays are pretty long. I'm in classes from 9:30 to 3:30 with a half hour break from 12:15 to 12:45. I start with intro to business (most of which I've already learned in my marketing classes at RF), then professional development (which should be interesting and I get to do volunteer work which is always rewarding), then intro to computer applications (which is lame because we go over MS Word, Powerpoint, Excel, and Access and the only one I don't know is Access), and finally interpersonal communications (which is a dummy course for almost everyone even if they didn't take it in HS, which I did). Then on Wednesday nights from 6 to 9 I have supervision. I haven't been to it yet, my first will be tomorrow night, so I'm not really sure what supervision is yet. It's a marketing class. Hmm. The nice thing is I've got 4 day weekends... although I guess I don't since I work. But... okay, so I could technically have a 4 day weekend if I felt like taking off work. Yeah, that's it.

To add to my stress today my landlords are being completely ridiculous. They're mad at me because I'm not moving out until the 31st even though I'm paid up until the 31st. They're mad because that means Ellyn can't move in till probably the 2nd or 3rd but how is that my fault? Ellyn doesn't even care if the carpets are shampooed or not so really it's the landlords being picky. Not to mention that because I didn't return ONE phone call (which I assumed that I didn't need to return) they tried to hunt me down and when they couldn't they came to the apartment and entered it without any permission. They even went into my room. I know it's not like they snooped or anything but the fact of the matter is that they broke the law. And after I pretty much got bitched out for not moving out earlier that kind of pisses me off. God it makes me so anxious to get the hell out of here and away from landlords who think they can do whatever the hell they want.

To add to all THAT, Dustin asked Perkins to save boxes for me but when he went to pick them up he found that they'd thrown them out. So he's going to try to get me some tonight but that equals an entire night of packing wasted and an uncertainty of how many more boxes I'll need. God, once more I say it, I can't wait till the 1oth when I'm all moved in.

I don't mean to complain but I feel like I'm under so much stress right now. I could really do with a good back massage or a day at a spa or something. I just want to be settled into my new place where they actually follow the law. I can't wait to be closer to work and school. I want to be moved and out.

The few shiny spots in my life are Dustin and my friends. I am so excited for Amber and Jono and the new life they're going to have together. I don't know anyone who deserves this happiness more than Amber. Gosh I just adore that girl. And now I'm so excited for Shan's wedding because she deserves just as much happiness. I'm so happy my friends have found great guys. I'm a little unsure about Elisa but I am hoping that I just haven't gotten a good impression of Tom. Hopefully Elisa and I can get together more and, in turn, I can get to know Tom. And D.... my wonderful Dustin. Could it be that I have FINALLY found my prince. Sometimes I worry because I thought the same thing of Rich. Then again, if Dustin and I can come together after everything that has happened in the past year then I think that says a lot about what we can survive together. I think this last year has made us stronger as friends and as a couple. Yesterday I got my pictures back from Amber's bachelorette party, a few from my weekend with D at my parents', and Amber's wedding. And there's this picture of D when we were up north that is just SO cute. I put it in a frame yesterday and then just kept glancing at it and smiling. God I love him!

Okay... time for food. More soon!

The Wedding

2005-08-20T23:29:00.000-05:00

Well. So that's that. Amber and Jono are now officially married... she's now Mrs. Amber Anne WALDO. How weird is that? Okay... actually, in a way it's not really that weird at all. I mean, they've been together for 3 and a half years. And they're definitely made for each other; I've said it before and I'll say it again, there is no couple better suited for each other than Amber and Jono.

But on the other hand... it's so odd to think of them as MARRIED. I mean, this is Amber and Jono living together and growing together, having a family together. It's so weird to think of all that when I look back and remember Amber as the girl that I spent all of junior high and high school with. Are we really to that age in which we're getting married? I don't feel old enough.

The wedding was really good. I'm so proud of myself, I only cried a little bit! Then again, the entire drive home every time I though about it tears would spring to my eyes. Amber was absolutely BEAUTIFUL, her dress was so perfect. And Jono... well, he was Jono, lol. It was the typical church wedding and an interesting reception. The best part was definitely running out and decorating Amber's car, lol. And seeing her face when she walked out.

Afterwards the younger crowd went out BOWLING. It was HYSTERICAL, especially Amber in her dress. We had fun, had some drinks, goofed around. All in all a great wedding. Congrats Amber and Jono.... I have no doubt the two of you will be so absolutely happy building your life together.

Um. Other stuff going on but more about that later. Goodnight all.

AMBER'S GETTING MARRIED!

2005-08-20T09:59:00.000-05:00

AMBER'S GETTING MARRIED TODAY!!!!!

CONGRATS AMBER AND JONO!

Well, here I am again

2005-08-19T11:49:00.000-05:00

Well it has been exactly 20 days since I said goodbye and... I'm back. I don't think I'll be writing in here nearly as much as I used to, especially in the days to come simply because I'm way too busy. But I'll be around.

Where shall I start? I suppose I better start with my favorite subject.

Dustin and I are doing well. We have our fights, such as his smoking for procrastination and my nagging about everything. But we get through it and other than the little spats things are just... great. I've never been with someone who makes me feel so loved, so joyful, so childlike... so happy. Just the way he comes up and kisses me or when he finds every way in the world just to touch me or.... well, like last night. Last night we got Steve's Pizza. And I LOVE Steve's but they cut in into squares so that there are middle pieces that don't have the edge crust to hold onto. I'm not a fan of the middle pieces because the crust is my favorite part of the pizza. D knows this.... so he'll purposefully leave me extra crust pieces and eat the middle pieces. I don't know why I find this so wonderful, it's so simple, but I couldn't help but think just how nice that is. It just makes me happy! Or being at the bar and he still puts his arms around me and kisses me. I love it. I am SO IN LOVE. I truly adore him.

Moving is... interesting. My apartment looks like it exploded right now. I'm trying to pack but it's SO hard, especially when I know I'll have to spend 8 days living at Kassi's. So basically I'm going to have some of my stuff at Dustin's, some at Doug's, and most of it at Kassi's. It's going to be nuts. I am definitely looking forward to September 10th when my stuff will be moved in and I can start "nesting." I'm definitely a nester, I'll probably have my room all set up in a day, lol. I am really excited to be moving in with Kas, once we got over a few things everything else have been great. I don't know whether or not I've mentioned this but we're moving to WOODBURY. I'm really excited to be back in town and our apartment is so great. It'll be an awesome new start, I'm sure.

Sundae is driving me NUTS. She does things just because she knows it annoys me, meows like crazy, spills her food everywhere... and yet I love her. It's great to come home and have her come running up to the door and I love when I pick her up and she's just purring like mad. I can't wait till she's declawed so I can let her sleep in my room again.

Work is going okay. I was having some troubles because the mornings were really starting to kill me. Tricia seriously didn't understand that I was still driving from RF and that it SUCKS to put someone on open 3 or 4 days in a row. By the last day I just wanted to die. We got a new store manager, though, Tracey and... she's got her good and bad points. She's a really big whiner and that's REALLY obnoxious. But she seems nice enough AND she got me working some closing shifts and not all mornings which is GREAT. I'm definitely going to be stressed the next few weeks when I'm having to drive from RF to school AND work. But at least it's only for a few weeks.

AMBER IS GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! I cannot believe that my best friend in the entire world will be married by the end of tomorrow night. It's just... weird. It's weird to think that we're all getting to that age now. It's weird to imagine Amber, who I've been friends with for nearly 9 years, will be MARRIED. The same girl who called up the grocery store to tell them to save the lobsters, who played sardines in Target, who I spent an entire summer being broke with. Part of me is kind of sad because everything is changing and I'm kind of scared of change. But most of me is so happy for Amber and so excited about all these changes that are taking place. Wow. It makes everything seem so much more adult.

So that's my life in a nutshell for right now. I'm kind of busy today so I suppose I should get to it. More soon, I promise!

Goodbye for now...

2005-08-09T13:18:00.000-05:00

So I'm sitting here with hair dye in my hair FINALLY. My roots are looking ICKY lately and I can't wait to be rid of them!!

I know I don't write that much anymore. Sometimes I wonder exactly what there is to write about. I mean, there are things going on such as moving and weddings and what not. But... I just don't feel in the mood to write about them anymore.

I think I might take a break from the blog for awhile. I'm sure I'll be back but I don't want to have to force myself to write. So for now I'm going to say au revoir... and I promise I'll be back eventually.

Until then.

Confidence

2005-08-03T19:19:00.000-05:00

Confidence.

What is confidence?

I have no idea. Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever. And others can tell. It kind of sucks because sometimes you feel like in order to have confidence you need certain things: a significant other, certain kinds of friends, money, a certain job... I know sometimes I forget that what you need FIRST is confidence and then everything else will kind of fall into place.

I don't claim to have all the confidence in the world. I know I do certain things well, I know I try the best I can. I feel like I'm a good friend and I'm learning to be a good girlfriend. I do the best I can with each day that I'm given. Some days are worse than others: today Dustin and I got into a fight and it really took a lot out of me, makes me wonder about our future. Some days are great, like Amber's bachelorette party on Saturday.

What drives me nuts are people that sit there and say, "Oh boo-hoo, look at me I am such a victim, people pick on me because I'm this way and no one likes me because I'm like this and I have no friends and blah blah blah." God. You want to know the reason why people don't talk to you? You want to know the reason you spend your free time alone? Because seriously, here's the hard truth, people do not want to be around someone who constantly has something up their ass. Yeah, the world can be kind of fucked up. But no one wants someone around who picks out EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE THING THAT THERE IS IN THE WORLD. Go look at a beautiful sunset, go have drinks with friends, curl up with someone you care for.... but quit bitching and moaning and complaining. Yeah, there are snobs in this world and yeah not everyone thinks the way you do and yeah, I'm just as sick of that damn Republican in office and I can't stand SUV's. But seriously. If you spend your entire life complaining you're going to be lying there on your death bed wondering where the fuck your life went. It's too short! Go be silly with your friends, live it up, cherish those quiet times and don't be so harsh. When you sit and point the finger at someone, it's true, three more point right back at you. You aren't perfect and neither am I.... quiet pretending to be. It gets old really quick.

*sigh*

When you sit and say, "That girl will never like me, she's too pretty/smart/out of my league... whatever" you pass up the chance of meeting someone wonderful. When you say, "My friends never call me" maybe you should be saying, "Hmm, maybe I should give one of my friends a call today." Quit bashing the bar because it doesn't make a certain drink perfectly. Quit looking down on people, walking around acting superior puts people off. God have fun, be happy and silly, enjoy yourself.

Yeah.

Anyway.

*takes a leap off the soapbox*

Yeah, D and I did have a fight today. It was about smoking and then about Dustin bringing up something that made me feel bad... and it sucked. I absolutely HATE fighting with Dustin, absolutely hate it. And I truly do not want to make him feel like I have all these things about him that I don't like and want to change. I love him. He's goofy and sweet and intelligent... he tickles me and makes fun of me and farts around me. He's not Mr. Perfect and, frankly, I've never ever been on the lookout for Mr. Perfect. That's damn boring. And yeah, we've fought about certain things. I think he now understands my need to be alone with him sometimes and he showed me he understands by telling Bryan we were going to have alone time the other night. That meant SO MUCH to me. And I have a problem telling him certain things because I'm very used to having to hold myself back and I know I need to learn that I can tell him things. But the thing that I am having a very hard time with is his smoking. He doesn't seem to think it's a big deal and he thinks I'm blowing everything out of proportion. To me it is a big deal. It grosses me out. I hate smokers. I don't like kissing them, I don't like inhaling their smoke.... and I promised my grandmother that I wouldn't get myself caught up with them. I can deal with it in a bar atmosphere although I really don't undertstand why people socially smoke. I don't know. I could go on and on and on about this and it's just going to get me upset. For now I will try to not say anything. Being that I'm an opinionated person, I doubt I'll let it go for very long. And I'm not sure how long Dustin and I can be together if he wants to continue to smoke, especially in the amount that he does right now.

Amber's Last Single Night!

2005-07-31T14:35:00.000-05:00

Well it was quite an interesting night last night and I have to say I learned some new things about my "best friend since 7th grade" last night. Holy man!

So last night was Amber's bachelorette party. I went to Shannon's early to help to get everything set up. We decorated the apartment with pink and black crepe paper, pink and black balloons, and bachelorette party caution tape. We made Better Than Sex Cake, which ended up being pretty damn good (although maybe not better than sex... at least not sex with Dustin). It was fun, we got really goofy and it was a good time.

Around 7:30ish Amber and Elisa showed up. I was a little worried about Elisa because she hasn't hung out with the group much and when we went to ValleyFair she was kind of quiet. But things went really well. We got Amber all dressed up in a Bride To Be t-shirt and we got ourselves all ready. We had some cake and a few shots and a drink then headed out to Mall of America.

We went to Jillian's, an arcade/bar/bowling alley on the 4th floor of the mall. We started out with a shot and then started bowling. I love bowling.... and I guess I'm not horrible. My first game wasn't great, I lost at 82. But whatever. As we were bowling we had a few other drinks and Amber's started her scavenger hunt. This is when things got interesting. She was totally talking up guys and working it, scoring phone numbers and what not. It was too funny, we got some great pictures.

After two games we decided to head out. When we got our bill. A $70 bar tab and a $50 bowling tab. Yeah. Not good. We were totally shocked. So Amber decided to go to one of the other bars in the mall to try to get money. She had these sleazy guys on her putting dollars in her garter. It was too funny but kind of sad at the same time. We ended up having these guys buy us each two shots and yeah, it was a funny night.

We ended up back at Shannon's for one more drinks and lots of talking about religion and death and.... boys, lol. It was fun. I have to say that I was really happy Elisa came, we had such a good time and it was just awesome. So I'm happy.

So today here I am, feeling tired with a bit of a headache but I guess it could be worse. The sad thing is I called and texted Dustin about a million times last night. I am just so smitten! Anywhere I am I'm thinking about him and wanting to cuddle with him and... God I am just so in love. When I got home today I went over to his place for a little bit just to see him and kiss him. *sigh*

So I have someone interested in my apartment and I have a feeling she's going to be the one to move in. She and her parents are coming out here on Wednesday and I am so keeping my fingers crossed! Tomorrow Kassi and I are going out to look at apartments so hopefully soon I'll be back to the cities!

So sleepy.... time to read some HP and take it easy.... more soon!

Feel Too Much

2005-07-28T09:27:00.000-05:00

"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it."
- Harry Potter

I FINALLY finished the 5th Harry Potter and am ready to jump right into the 6th Harry Potter. I bought the book the day it came out but wanted to reread the 5th one first and I am SO glad I did because it was truly like reading a book for the first time; I didn't remember any of it! I'm really excited to start the 6th book and I'll probably start today. Dustin has jury duty today and I don't really have anything planned. Just gotta get stuff done that I've been putting off.

I feel a little better after the entry I wrote yesterday. The quote above really describes how I feel a lot of the time. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by my emotions that I get completely freaked out. I truly am happy being with Dustin, I feel like I finally found someone that I can completely be myself with and absolutely adore. I just get scared sometimes that I will somehow hurt him. I would rather be alone and unhappy without him than have there be ANY WAY for me to somehow hurt him. I love him so much, I just want to know that he's happy. He says he's happy with me and I know it's time to just be content with that.

Things have been fairly good except for the moving situation. I won't comment on that because I just don't even want to go there at the moment.

Yesterday Shan and I went out shopping for Amber's bachelorette party which is this Saturday. I'm not sure how it will go but it should be fun. It's just going to be Amber, Shannon, Elisa and me and who knows how Elisa will fit in with the group. I mean, she hasn't been around during the past year. Sometimes I really wish things were different. Anyway, we bought some caution tape at Sex World and then a bachelorette kit at Spencer's gifts. We also got Amber's wedding gift, something that is as beautiful and unique as she is. Oh I'm so excited! The invitation for her wedding FINALLY came the other day and it really seems to make the entire thing more real. I can't believe my best friend since 7th grade is getting married!

There are SO many plans for the next couple of months. And Dustin's included in all of them. The second week in August we're going up to Mom and Dad's again for the weekend and I'm really excited to be getting away from it all again. Hopefully I'll have the moving situation figured out by that point! The 3rd weekend is Amber's wedding. Dustin's ex-girlfriend's older sister is going to do my hair and then we're heading out to Shan and Ryan's to go to the wedding with them. The 4th weekend is Woodbury days and I HAVE to catch The Dweebs at least once this summer. As for September there's bridesmaid dress shopping for Shannon's wedding, MY BIRTHDAY (and getting my second tattoo) and going to a wedding reception for.... someone that Dustin's family knows. So yeah, it's going to be a crazy but fun couple of months, I'm pretty psyched!

ANYWAY! I'm going to make Dustion a blog so I can introduce him to the blog world and then it's time to start the newest Harry Potter. More soon!

Concerned

2005-07-27T11:00:00.000-05:00

*yawn* Well I'm sitting here at Dustin's computer feeling still slightly drowsy despite the fact that it's 11 AM. I haven't gotten to sleep in since Saturday morning and I guess my body's a little thrown off. It keeps screaming "EITHER GET UP AT 3am OR 9am BUT PICK ONE AND STICK TO IT!"

I think this is part of what caused the commotion last night. I was feeling so cranky. After three mornings of waking up at 3AM and working from 5AM to 11AM I wasn't exactly in the best mood yesterday. All I wanted was to watch a little softball and then curl up with D and fall asleep.

But after softball there was parking lot beer and then food at American Pie and then he wanted to sit outside the house with Bryan and drink. And so I sat quietly during PLB even though I really didn't want to drink. And I even had fun at American Pie. But by the time we got to Dustin's the thought of alcohol made me cringe (I drank two beers at the game and just couldn't stand it anymore) and it was cold and I was tired. I don't get the desire to drink sometimes. I really don't get people who feel the need to do it day after day. Not to mention that Dustin's smoking is really getting to me. I mean, I've had people die because of it. And I can't stand the smell of it or kissing Dustin after he's smoked. I adore him but the smoking just makes me so sad. And he seems to completely get egged on when other people are doing it. I don't want to sit here and be the nagging girlfriend telling him what to do and what not to do. But sometimes.... I just snap.

Last night at American Pie he said he loves me. I was so shocked. I mean, I've been wanting to say it but for once I told myself to wait and not push things. So when he said it as he was walking away towards the bathroom I could barely get out, "I love you too" before my heart started beating really fast and I felt... kind of scared. I'm not scared because I'm saying it when I don't mean it.... I definitely mean it. I'm scared because that's just another notch deeper and I'm still having trouble letting go and falling.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I want to tell my past to just take a hike so I can enjoy being in love with Dustin. I'm really tired of questioning myself a million times.

I promise a real entry as soon as I can get my head back on the right way. Right now I guess I'm jumbling too much.

Yeah.

Good.

2005-07-21T11:27:00.000-05:00

Well so here I am, sitting at D's while he sleeps away half the day. Goodness, I definitely need to teach him to wake up earlier, that's for sure. I've been up since 9 and at least now I'm smart enough to bring a book over so I'm not totally driving him nuts.

The last couple of days have been weird but good. I know I said that I didn't think much would change once Dustin and I officially became a couple. But it is sorta different. First off, EVERYONE knows. I forgot what a small town this is, everywhere I go I get congratulations. I guess that's a good thing, everyone seems happy that D and I are finally together. It feels good knowing that his friends are supportive, that they like me and want me to be with him. Then there's the whole BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND labels. I know I wanted those words really bad but, I have to say, they make me a little nervous. Maybe I'm just not used to them, it has been over a year since I've had someone to call my boyfriend. And even then I partly only wanted it to make someone else jealous. It's been about 2 and a half years since I've been completely proud to call someone my boyfriend. And I've been wanting to be Dustin's girlfriend for so long... I guess it's just a little surreal at the moment. I feel sort of like I'm dreaming and any moment I'll wake up to find it's not true. Dustin Hartenstein is MY BOYFRIEND. How nuts is that???

When this all happened I was having to work a couple of 5AMs in a row, like I said. On Monday night I couldn't seem to get to sleep because I just wanted to see Dustin! I finally called him and asked him to come over for a little while and we kissed and cuddled. He kept looking at me and... I felt so adored. It's been so long since I've felt cared for like that, it feels SO GOOD. However, I had to make him leave so I could get to sleep! I kept telling myself that the sooner I fell asleep the sooner it would be morning and the sooner I could get done with work. That's the only thing that got me through the day was knowing that the faster it went back the sooner I'd see Dustin.

Tuesday night was SO fun! Shannon came over and we went to Dustin's softball game. We sat with Benji and Loretta and Micaela and Heather (the wife of one of the players on Dustin's team). They were playing a double header and once the sun went down it was awesome. The funniest part of "Crazy Sarah" showing up. She's the one that wants Dustin and I kept saying she better stay the hell away from my man. I know I don't seem too intimidating but anyone who knows me well will say that I get a little scary when I'm mad. But I didn't even have to do anything... Loretta and Heather were being catty enough, lol. It was pretty funny, though, I was amused.

So the boys won their first game and lost the second. It was fun to watch and scream for them, I had a really good time. Afterwards Dustin, Bryan, Martin, Shannon and I went back to the house. Shan had to head home so then it was the boys and me. We made a trip for more beer and to McD's for food then came back to drink and what not. There was a little Jodie drama but it was all good. I had fun just chillin' with the boys and again I have to say I'm so glad D's friends like me.

The one problem was me getting my period although... I guess I'm a little relieved because I've been feeling sick to my stomach and I was a little worried about why. But I was bummed because.... well, I'm sure we all know why. Dustin and I went to bed and cuddled and kissed and cuddled more. It was good.... really, really good.

We went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory last night and it was REALLY GOOD, I think, really funny. Yeah... things are good. I'm happy and falling so hard for Dustin. It's just good.

More soon.

August 17th DUSTIN!!!!!

2005-07-18T12:02:00.000-05:00

*Sigh*

I was going to put in cute little song lyrics and make this entry look all fancy and wonderful. But... I just can't even wait a moment longer. I have the best news in the whole entire world. News that made me unable to sleep last night because I was so excited and happy. News that made me daydream all day at work today....

Dustin FINALLY asked me to be his girlfriend. And without a moment's hesitation I, of course, said yes. OF COURSE! He text messaged me, of all things, which to some may seem lame but after I thought about it turns out to be totally fitting. And who even cares how he asked anyway. The main thing is that he did. And now I'm going crazy because I won't get to really be with him till tomorrow night!

Basically he texted me when I was in bed for the night and while he was at work. So I couldn't see him last night which drove me CRAZY because all I wanted in the whole wide world was to be cuddled up in his arms. And today I'm going into Perkins to eat with him but.... I won't get to be alone with him and be cuddly and kissy with him. Tomorrow I work 5 to 11 and then have to wait till his softball game to see him. Then FINALLY that night, after softball and drinking, I'll get to be alone with him. Eep, that just makes the smile on my face HUGE!

It's hard to even believe that this has happened. And yet.... it doesn't feel any different. I guess in my mind Dustin and I were already dating. So now we just have a label and a date to go with it. And I'm so excited. Finally I can be with Dustin who is one of the most wonderful, caring, thoughtful people I've ever met. I can finally be in a relationship I'm truly happy to be in with a person I adore and trust. FINALLY I get what I've been looking for. Finally finally.

Now I just have to wait till tomorrow night when I can curl up in his arms. Eep, can I stand it? Maybe not!

Gotta run, Harry Potter to keep my mind from going crazy! More soon!

In Love

2005-07-15T22:57:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh oh my gosh ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. Oh my gosh my heart feels so full. I just... feel so full of something wonderful, something sunshiney and rosy and filled with butterflies and I just want to flit and flutter and dance all over and tell everyone all of the wonderful things I am feeling.

Is it totally dorky and nerdy that all I want to do is make Dustin smile, that all I can do sometimes is sit and stare at him and think of what an absolutely fantastic, awesome, beautiful person he is. As I sit here typing this words I've got tears in my eyes. And maybe that is no big surprise to anyone because I do tend to cry a lot. But for the first time in quite awhile they are small, quiet tears that are a symbol of how absolutely happy I am. For once I am not sitting here crying so loud, my heart bruised and broken, my soul feeling dead. Instead I feel light as a feather, so happy within myself... instead, for the first time in so long, I have found someone that truly fits perfectly into my heart.

I cannot believe how great life has been this summer. I cannot believe that I found out that you don't have to bow down to someone in order for them to care about you. Instead you only have to be yourself and that's enough and to someone that's wonderful and grand and it's all that matters. I know I sound so sappy and lovesick and smitten and I truly cannot help myself. Because I am. I'm nuts and crazy and head over heals into this boy. I'm completely falling for him.

Okay. I just wanted to say that. So there.

Harry Potter comes out at midnight. Can you stand the excitement?

Hanging Around

2005-07-14T16:02:00.000-05:00

So, as usual, I'm over at D's. I've spent most of this week either over here or out with him somewhere. And I am so insanely happy. I feel so at home and so comfortable and I love cuddling up with him and holding his hand. I just want to watch him and make him happy and that makes me so happy. God I am so content.

Yesterday D changed the oil in my car for me and then we got a little dinner. I managed to spill French dressing all over his bed and my pants and hopefully I haven't ruined both. I felt bad!

We watched John Q last night and I really didn't want to watch it but it did end up being a pretty good movie. It made me cry. You should watch it. Afterwards my back was really hurting and I was tired so I went to bed while Dustin went outside to hang with his boys for a bit. I don't even remember him sitting in bed reading, just that he asked me to move over and that he told me to only use one pillow so my back wouldn't hurt so much.

Today we went to eat at KFC and then drove to a few car dealerships to check out the cool "whips." Now we're kinda chillin' around here till it's time to go swimming at Shannon's. Drinkies and swimming, should be good times.

Have I mentioned how content I am?

Tomorrow I work and will probably crash over here. I won't see D all weekend because he's going tubing on the Apple River for Bubba's birthday on Saturday and I work at 5 AM Sunday. I have no idea what my work week looks like next week but unless Tina drastically changed it when she and Jack were in on Monday I have A LOT of hours. The thing is, that used to bother me because then I couldn't keep my eye on D. But I trust him. It's cool, we'll see each other when we can. Hmm.

Lots of stuff going on over the next few weeks. Amber's bachelorette party is coming up and I'm psyched about it but kinda sad at the same time. I'm not sure what my friends getting married means for our friendship. I know that sounds selfish but I sorta feel like I'm getting left behind. It's weird. Who knows. So there's that. Then D and I are going up to Mom and Dad's the second weekend in August which I am super psyched about. And the next weekend is Amber's wedding! Holy cow that snuck up fast! And somewhere in between all this I have to move because classes start the week after Amber's wedding. Crazy, where's summer going?

Yeah. D's shooting people in the face and we're listening to music. Good day. More soon!

Softball Fun and Sleepy Time

2005-07-13T10:25:00.000-05:00

So right now it's about 10:30 AM and I'm sitting at Dustin's computer because when I wake up in the morning I'm too antsy and all my moving around in bed drives him nuts, lol. So I usually get up and check my e-mail and what not so as not to bug him too much.

The last few days have been interesting. On Sunday night I could not manage to get any good sleep. My stomach's been bothering me for the last few days AND I've been a little stressed because of Dustin so it's caused me to just toss and turn in my sleep. Which means at work on Monday I simply wanted to die. I was SO tired! The good news is that next week a couple of my shifts are labeled training shifts so I'm wondering if that means I start my shift manager training next week. Fingers crossed!

When I got home from work all I really wanted to do was sleep. I instead dyed my hair and made myself look all cute. I forgot how much I like it when my hair's darker. I definitely don't think I'll be going much lighter than this again. So I did that and had some lunch and then finally settled down for a little bit. About half an hour before Dustin was supposed to come pick me up (he got off work at 4) I put my head down and immediately just conked out. Yeesh!

So we went to Stillwater to eat at Freight House which was quite cool with it being on the river and all. I really wish my stomach wasn't hurting because I felt bad that I couldn't eat that much, especiallybecause Dustin was buying. So we ate and then walked by the water a little. Then we took the scenic drive home. It's been SO hot out! We got back to D's and just wanted to sit there and move as little as possibly. We ended up watching Hitch which is a REALLY cute movie! Afterwards D shot people in the face and I read a little Harry Potter. The next thing I know D is cuddling up next to me to watch a little TV and I fall sound asleep.

Yesterday ended up being a really good day. Dustin worked from 12 to 8 and I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted to go to his softball game. I went into Perkins around 3ish and sat around there for an hour then ate with at 4. Then I headed home to chill a little. I decided to go to the game and, I must say, I'm glad I did.

We got to the field early so the boys could watch the game before theirs and toss a ball around. I was happy because Benji and Micaela showed up and Bryan was there so I ended up not feeling so much like a loner. Mic and I sat and chatted and it was awesome seeing Benji. We had some drinks and watched the game. The team's pretty good, the problem is that they'll have one bad inning and that's where they lose it. Kinda sucks. But the game was fun. Afterwards we stood around in the parking lot drinking for a little bit. Dustin and I had a beer fight, lol. I'm sure my jeans smell like beer now. Ah well.

We finally came back to D's and just sat around drinking and talking. I still wasn't feeling well. I really have to wonder if it's because of my eating habits and being stressed. Till Dustin brought up going to the doctor again. Long story with that but we had an interesting talk while at the Holiday station picking up pizza and smokes. Hmm.

The night ended around threeish. D and I were super zonked. But it was good. I got cuddled and kissed. It was nice.

More soon.

More On Dustin

2005-07-10T13:29:00.000-05:00

*sigh*

I'm stressed.

Why am I stressed?

Because Dustin is unsure of what's going on between him and me. And so he is holding me off until he can be sure. Which I suppose I should consider admirable because he doesn't want to hurt our friendship. But I think at this point we're a little too far along and if he does decide he wants to be just friends I'd end up hurt anyway.

I'm not really even sure what exactly the problem is despite all the conversations we've had. I'm not sure if Dustin is just unsure of his feelings or me or if he's scared of ruining our friendship if he pursued his feelings for me.

If it's that he's not sure of his feelings, I guess there isn't really anything I can do. On my end I am SO SURE of how I feel for him. I've kind of felt this way for a long time but because of all the drama I think it's probably seemed fairly on and off. Truth is that I've had a crush on Dustin practically since day one. But because of Rich playing with my heart and because Dustin was being wishy washy with me too nothing too much ever came of it except for drama and my heart getting yanked around. I guess that's why it's hard for me to believe that Dustin's unsure because I don't think we'd be playing this back and forth game for so long if he thought of me as only a friend. Maybe, though, it's hard for me to understand because of my certainty. It's rare that I meet someone that I instantly feel as if I have a connection with. And I've really only let myself fall for two people. Generally I can tell the difference between my heart crushing on someone and my heart falling for someone. And currently my heart is falling for Dustin.

If it's because Dustin's scared of hurting our friendship I guess I can understand. I don't exactly want to think of what would happen if we were to have a relationship, have it go bad and then break up. I'm scared that we wouldn't be able to be friends anymore and that would really hurt me because I'm so close with Dustin. However, I feel so strongly about Dustin and me that I feel positively about the way things would go, which is saying a lot because I'm not exactly the most positive person in the world. I honestly believe Dustin and I would be so good together and I don't really see our fighting continuing.

Here's the deal. Yeah we've been fighting a bit and I know I'm the cause of most, if not all, of it. My problem began with being scared of getting close to someone again and simply not trusting him. As my walls began to crumble and my trust began to build I started to just feel jealous of the girls that Dustin calls his friends. It's not that I'm that much of a jealous person or that I would be jealous if D and I were together. It's that I don't feel all that confident right now what with the weight I've gained lately. I don't feel as pretty as a lot of Dustin's friends and somehow that makes me feel like I have to be jealous. I know that sounds so stupid and I know that there's more to wanting to be with someone that just that someone being attractive. But the vain part of me forgets that. And now, with all that is going on, I guess I'm getting scared. The idea of losing Dustin freaks me out and I forget to just believe in Fate. Instead I do and say stupid things and then the fighting starts. It's silly to say I'd be more confident if Dustin were just my boyfriend. But the fact of the matter is that I'm worried if I just let things continue to be the way they are that Dustin will somehow forget my feelings for him or that Dustin will simply find someone else to flirt with and be with. It's so dumb, it even sounds dumb to me. But try to tell the irrational side of me that.

It's so hard. I know I'm this big believer is Fate and because I am I should just let Fate do it's thing. But on the other hand, I do believe that we have a certain amount of free will. Fate will only take you so far and you have to do the rest. The way I see it is that Fate caused Dustin and me to meet and it's up to us to figure out where to take that. So things can go whichever way we end up taking them. And maybe I'll lose out in the end.

I'm not mad that Dustin is taking his time, I'm really not. I'm just sad. What I wouldn't give to shout from the rooftops that Dustin and I are together. What I'd really love is for us to just be together and to start growing together as a couple. I can't say that I've met anyone quite like him or anyone that seems to bring out so much good in me. I just wish Dustin completely shared that same opinion.

I know I need to be patient. But I'm horrible at being patient, absolutely terrible. So I feel the need to push and pull and yank and tug... and I have a very bad feeling that's going to get me nowhere but not with Dustin. I just have no idea how to calm down because when I really want something... or in this case someone... I tend to go for it full force. And this is me going for Dustin full force.

Oh what's a girl to do? All I want is a little slice of happiness. My life is fine and grand and all. Oh, but wouldn't it be great to have a man to share that with?

Why He's So Different.

2005-07-09T13:18:00.000-05:00

Hmm, shall I really go into the Ex-Boyfriend Past? I suppose I could... I'm a little confused about my situation with Dustin right now so maybe I can help myself understand the way I'm thinking if I look back into the past a little. I guess it couldn't hurt. So here you go Mystery Commentor. My Ex Past....

Ben: Ben was my first boyfriend EVER and I really adored him. I was SUPER shy around guys when he and I started talking online and because of this he made a great first boyfriend because, lol, he was such a good teacher. Ben lived in Mankato while I was in the cities so the two months we were "together" we only saw each other three times. But wow, I just thought he was the cat's meow.

Looking back I have to say that the problems were that A) Ben's family wasn't that fond of me. B) We didn't have the same outlook on things that we probably should have had the same outlook on (politics, religion). C) Ben is so into sports and I just can't understand how anyone can make a sport the most important thing in life. D) Ben talked down to me when we got into college because he was supposedly at a better college than me and that, therefore, made him smarter.

Bjorn: I dated Bjorn simply as a rebound. I look back now and can't understand why I did it but at the time I was hurting and couldn't figure out how to stop the hurt. But dating Bjorn wasn't all bad. Somehow he cared about me no matter how misguided he was. We weren't even together that long, maybe a month or two, but he did genuinely care.

The problem was, I didn't have any feelings for him. It hurt me when I broke up with him simply because I knew I was hurting someone else and I never wanted to do that. I guess I STARTED to learn from Bjorn that you can't just date someone because you've been hurt. That doesn't fix things.

Adam: Adam was another rebound boyfriend. I had quite a few my senior year. I did like him but I don't think I ever would have loved him. I think maybe what I liked was that he got along with my friends and the way he asked me to prom was cute.

The problem is that Adam got along with my friends too well and after he broke up with me he formed a "team" against me with Crystal and Carissa. Our breakup hurt me (and yes, he broke up with me) because I think I might have ended up having feelings for him. Then again, I don't think I would have ever loved him. Live and learn.

John: I don't know what I was thinking with John. He was kind of cute and, at first, I thought he was a hopeless romantic which, I thought, was something I was looking for. It was nice to have someone call me every night, someone who wanted to be around me.

Thing is, John is the most controlling person I ever met. I didn't have a car that summer but John insisted that I break my parents rules and take one of their cars to come pick him up. He was constantly telling me I couldn't be friends with my guy friends anymore and he had a thing for making me feel stupid. I think the worst part was feeling as if I had to perform sexual favors for him because I was more experienced than him. He acted like I was corrupting him and I was such a bad girl for doing it. Out of all my exes, John made me feel worst about myself.

Tom: I have to say I did like Tom. He came from a good family and he was a sweet guy and at first things were good. We were together for all of 2 weeks and who knows what would have happened between us. But I did like him and I didn't date him for any other reason other than I thought he was a nice guy.

The problem with dating someone that you aren't friends with first is that you don't have that intimacy already set up. The problem with dating Tom is that we had nothing to go off of and so when he broke up with me I was hurt simply because... I thought I was hot and couldn't figure out why he didn't like me. When he came back later to try to establish a friendship it just didn't work because, hell, he'd already been past that.

Rich: I was so in love with Rich. I just thought he was the absolute world. But like I said with Tom, Rich and I didn't have an establish friendship first and, therefore, had not established trust. Rich came along at a time in my life when I felt like I had been so screwed by men that I just couldn't bring myself to trust Rich. But that didn't stop me from loving him. When things were good they were so good. I loved the safety I felt with Rich, I loved the way we connected, I loved the time we spent together and the talks we had and the normalcy that he gave me.

The problem is that I don't think Rich had much respect for me. And as things got more and more drawn out Rich and I both continued to lose respect for each other. I truly think it all goes back to the fact that we were not friends first. We didn't establish trust between each other and I really believe that it is that lack of trust that eventually tore us apart.

Josh: I adored Josh. Out of all my exes I think Josh and I were probably best suited for each other. Had Josh come along at a time when I was not trying to get over Rich I think that Josh and I could have been happy together. When I was with Josh he made my heart soar. He's funny and sweet and caring and gentle and so many things that I now find myself looking for in a GOOD boyfriend. Despite the fact that we jumped right into making out with each other I felt like we were friends too and we had that 100% trust with each other. And those two things are what made the relationship I had with Josh so good.

But I was rebounding. And Josh happened to be my victim. I still kick myself for the way I handled the situation and I think I will probably always wonder what if.

So Dustin. Why do I think he's so different? Well I'd like to think that I've learned a thing or two from this sorry line of men (and boys) that I call my ex-boyfriends.

I have this amazing friend Dustin who I adore more than almost anyone or anything in the whole wide world. He's adorable and funny and sweet and goofy and caring.... and I'm sure I could probably just go on and on. I have so much fun with him and I can be myself with him and I just can't get enough of being around him. Truly if I had my way I just hang out with Dustin all day and I think I'd probably be content. And he makes my heart fly.

The thing is, and maybe he and I should be having this talk, I have had my trust issues with him. And that sucks. But lately I find even that building. Dustin is the first man that I have ever met that I truly feel like I can be totally happy with and... just have that be that. I've spent a lot of time going after guys to fix pain in my heart and dating guys that treat me like I'm not good enough.

But here's Dustin. Who treats me like gold. Who trust and respect and adore... who is one of my best friends. That's why I think he's so different. I'm falling for one of my best friends. And maybe that's the way it really should be. You should trust and respect and care for the one that you want to be with. And I do. I got it right this time. That's why it's different.

And now I'm crying because I've had a hard night. And I'm getting tired of crying. So more soon.

Aw fun!

2005-07-08T12:02:00.000-05:00

Really quick first off, Tim FINALLY joined the blogging world so I have updated his web address. Feel free to click on his name and go say a quick hello! Welcome back Tim!

I've been having a good few days. I worked Wednesday morning and then went with Kassi to look at an apartment we liked. However, the landlord was sort of a bitch and didn't bother to call me back to tell me that she'd already rented the apartment. So we drove all around for nothing, bleh.

When I got back to town D and I got together and just kinda sat around for a bit trying to decide what to do. Finally I called Shan and asked if she wanted to meet up with us at Don Pablo's. So we met up around 6 and that was fun, mmmm, I love DP's, especially with two good friends. So we ate and joked around and it was good times. Afterwards we went to the pet store and swooned over the puppies. Man do I want one!!!!!!!! That night I stayed at D's. We played Super Mario and watched Anchorman (which is DUMB). Not too shabby.

Yesterday was SO much fun! D and I went to Maplewood Mall to bum around for a few hours before going to see War of the Worlds. It was really fun, I didn't really feel like trying anything on but it was cool to see D's sense of style and what not. We even held hands a few times and it just made my heart soar. It was sweet. We went to Applebee's for nachos and then finally onward to the movies. I have to say War of the Worlds totally flipped me out! I have never been that freaked out while watching a movie! The whole time I was, like, gripping Dustin's hand! And no, I wasn't trying to get all cozy.... I was honestly freaked out! It was SUPER good but really freaky. Now I guess I'll have to go read the book!

After the movies we came back to D's and he CLEANED HIS ROOM! I was SHOCKED he actually has a FLOOR! Lol, so he cleaned and did laundry and I looked at a Playboy magazine, hehe. Then we kind of settled down and watched Hostage, which was a good movie but kind of hard to follow at points. I don't know, then we just watched TV and goofed around and what not. Dustin gave me an AWESOME back massage and we would give each other little kisses. It's just sweet.... I have such a good time with him and I don't have to feel stressed or act like someone I'm not. I love being able to goof around with him and hug him and kiss him and be however I want around him.

I have no idea when I fell asleep. I just know I woke up in D's bed and curled my arms around him and just felt happy. I just adore him. I just positively, absolutely adore him.

Yeah.

Okay... I need to get something done today because I've been spending all my time at D's! So more soon!

So Damn Happy

2005-07-05T16:25:00.000-05:00

You wouldn't know that I was there
'Cause I have been there all the time
And if I had my way I'd hold you in my arms
And leave this madness all behind

'Cause you got so much to give
But you throw it all away
And all you got to show for who you are is pain

And I've got so much to give
If you'd only let me in
I'm gonna take the time to show you I'm a friend
You'll believe in love again

I wanna be there in the pouring rain
I wanna be there when you call my name
I'm gonna light your fire
Gonna feel your flame
I wanna be there when you go insane
I wanna be there when I'm out of town
And when your whole damn world is crashing down
I'm gonna be your lover
Gonna be your friend
I wanna be there till the end

Thinking about the way that last night ended gives me butterflies. But I suppose I should really start at the beginning.

Yesterday at work was kinda... yeah. Natalie and I were both SO antsy about wanting to leave and start our plans for the night. The first two hours or so of work were pretty busy and the second two we spent doing all the side work (making double drip for the coolers, making cold press, making chocolate, measuring out coffee for that night and the next morning) but the last two SUCKED. So we ended up sitting around and talking about our crazy lives and it was pretty okay. I definitely have to say that now that I'm getting to know people better I really like being at work. It's not too shabby.

After work I came home and ran a couple of errands, watched some TV, ate a little. Then I went to Perkins to meet up with Bryan and have a little coffee to wake me up. So we're sitting at the counter with one of the regulars, Jeff, and chatting it up with Dustin. Except... this girl Ashley was there with her friend. And... she was being all huggy with Dustin. I don't really know her but she's a cute girl and I immediately felt jealous. I don't know what my problem is lately but I keep feeling like I can't compete with ANYONE anymore. Like... I just don't measure up. Well, I mentioned to Bryan that I was a little jealous and he practically announced it to the entire restaurant. He and Dustin were kind of making fun of me about it and I was just feeling bad. I got upset and left.

Well I called Dustin from my car and asked him to step out back to talk to me. I told him how I was feeling and that I didn't want to go to his place so that I could watch other girls hanging on him. I told him that it's hard for me to trust him because he's hurt me before and it's hard for me to just put that in the past. Well then he pulled a switch on me. He asked me if I changed some phone numbers on his phone. I guess a couple of phone numbers were changed and they were people that I'm not very fond of. Thing is, when we were at my parents' place the other weekend I had his phone in my purse so I had motive and time to be able to do it. But I didn't! And he asked how he could trust me when I have gone through his phone before. So... I guess he's got me there. I felt really stupid. And he told me he wouldn't hurt me, that I'm one of his best friends. That means so damn much to me.

I went home and Dustin picked me up when he was done with work. We each did a shot of Malibu and then headed over to his place.

It was a pretty low key but fun 4th. Loretta, Bubba, Bruggie, Jodi, Ali, Ashley and her friend Katelyn (they left REALLY fast.... so sad), two of Jodi's guy friends, Bryan, Bryce, Abby, Dustin and I were all just kinda chillin and drinking in the driveway. We had sparklers and shot off a few low key fireworks. Not too shabby, I had fun and drank a lot, lol.

Around 2ish Dustin and I headed to bed. We started talking about our feelings for each other and... he pretty much told me that the reason he hasn't been looking around for other girls is because he's waiting to see what happens between us. He told me he thinks about it all the time but that he doesn't want to have to worry about me being jealous or about us fighting. It felt SO DAMN GOOD to FINALLY have that conversation and to know that I actually have a chance to be happy with him. Bryan then came in with this giant stuffed cow and they were being all goofy for awhile. And after Bryan finally went to bed D and I got back to bed and cuddled and kissed and... well, had the best damn sex I've had a quite a long time!

I'm really, really, really happy. God I'm so fucking happy! I've got this great guy in my life who treats me like gold and for once I don't have to worry about drama or feeling like I'm not good enough for any of that high school bullshit.

For now I'm tired and I have to go to bed in a few hours because I work at 5AM tomorrow.

More soon.

Dustin. A Year Ago.

2005-07-03T18:30:00.000-05:00

I'm there for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When livin' ain't easy
You can stand up against me
Whatever may fall on you
Call on me

Someday they'll open up your world
Shake you down to the very core
They'll do their best to change you
Trying to erase you

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
But no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

A year ago tomorrow I drove back out to River Falls for a second time just so that I could spend about an hour or so at the party of a guy I worked with and sorta thought was cute. How on earth was I to know what kind of a domino effect that would start or exactly how much that one little drive would change me?

Maybe I sound like I'm being dramatic. But a year ago I wasn't the kind of person to go out to the party of a guy that I worked with for only two days. Doing something like that was completely out of my comfort level but for some reason I wanted to anyway. Last fourth of July started out fairly normal. I had to work at Perkins, I believe till something like 8 or so because I was still back to Woodbury in time to go to the fireworks with James and Elisa. We were DEAD at work that night and in the middle of it Dustin Hartenstein invited all of us working to come to his house after work for a party.

I'd only been at Perkins for about a week and on that day I'd only worked with Dustin twice. I remember that the first day we worked together I kept thinking to myself, "Wow, this guy is pretty cute." I mean, it's not that I really knew that much about him. But he has the dark eyes and dark hair going for him. And he's funny. However, during that first day he mentioned his girlfriend and I had no idea what their relationship was like. So I figured he was off the market. Not to mention that I, for reasons I still don't understand, decided that he was out of my league.

But that didn't stop me from dragging James and Elisa out to River Falls that night to spend a little time at Dustin's party. I met his roommates and I met Alyssa, the girlfriend. And yeah, I was uncomfortable. I mean, I didn't know this guy and I generally don't show up at parties where I don't really know anyone. But something that night made me go to that party. Maybe Fate?

It's been kind of a rollercoaster year. I lost someone that I once really loved and, sometimes, I think I may still love, at least a little bit. I've spent a lot of nights in bed by myself crying and a lot of days second guessing my head and my heart. I've jumped back and forth and back once more again and I sure I look, at least to some, like I'm just trying to find someone, anyone, to take care of me so that I don't have to be by myself. Believe me, I've questioned myself many times when it comes to that.

A whole year has gone by. And today I can say that I'm beginning to trust someone that's been on that year long rollercoaster ride with me. He brings me comfort and hope and love and every day that I spent with him makes me feel just a little bit better about all that craziness that I've been through. I met this guy that I never really thought I had much of a chance with and somehow... somehow I got some sort of chance with him. Somehow I found in this person all the wonderful things that I want in a good friend and, possibly, a boyfriend. I can finally be hopeful that this drama in my life is coming to an end and maybe I can just settle and be happy. That's something I want so badly but just have not been able to capture yet.

Considering that my life has yet to be settled, who knows where I'll be next year. What I'm hopeful for is to be living in a nice place with Kassi, to be one year closer to some kind, ANY KIND, of degree, to possibly be on my way to having my own Caribou Coffee, to still have my awesome friends... and to maybe have Dustin as more than just a friend.

Hmm. Just thoughts. I guess we shall see.

More soon.

Tangled Up In Me

2005-07-01T09:16:00.000-05:00

You think that you know me
You think that I'm only
When everything I do is only to get tangled up in you
You wanna know more, more, more about me
I'm the girl that's sweeping you off your feet

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Could you see I want you by the way I push you away, yeah
Don't judge me tomorrow by the way I'm acting today
Mix the words up with the actions
Do it all for your reaction, yeah
Get tangled up in me

Well I figured I'd write before I head off for my weekend of work. Not all too much has been going on here except for about the last 24 hours. I spent Monday night at Dustin's, sat around on Tuesday until I went to Shannon's, worked from 5 to 11 on Wednesday, and then spent the night at Dustin's again on Wednesday night.

The one thing to report from those days is that I'm finally getting used to work, especially since I got to be on bar on Wednesday. Bar means working the espresso machine. There are basically three roles out front: the register, bar, and superglue. Superglue is basically the person who goes back and forth between register and bar, whichever needs help. Needless to say it was really fun to be on bar and I'm finally getting the hang of things, so yay for that!

On Wednesday night there was a BIG storm here in RF which Dustin thought was so great. Problem is that because of the storm it was pretty cold yesterday and this morning. Not cool. Dustin thought it would be fun to run around in the storm, which slightly freaked me out because there was so much lightning. Not cool.

On Thursday Dustin and I ended up having a forced talk. Basically after he dropped me off here in the morning he went home and we started talking online. We were arguing... I've been picking fights with him. I'm not even sure WHY I've been picking fights with him. I think it has a lot to do with me testing him to see how long it will take him to leave me. I also think part of it is because I'm so used to fighting with Rich that is just seems normal to be fighting with Dustin. Either way it's not good and I HATE it. I love how Dustin and I are most of the time and I don't want to ruin everything by being silly and picking fights with him. So we were arguing and it sucked and somehow we started talking about the feelings that I have for Dustin. And he basically told me that with all the fighting he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me because he doesn't want to hurt our friendship. However he also told me how much he cares for me and loves having me around and values our friendship. I don't know. Basically it comes down to the fact that he and I would be together if I could stop fighting with him. And right now I'm not sure when that will happen. But... I guess I do have hope. So we'll see.

Sundae got out TWICE yesterday. Our front door keeps sticking and not closing all the way so it'll open back up and then she'll escape. The first time it happened I was freaking out because it was in the middle of my conversation with Dustin and suddenly Sunny was gone. I gave her about half an hour and was about to hop in my car to drive around and find her. I stepped outside and there she was in the damn front yard. The second time was when Dustin came over after work to say goodnight to me. He didn't close the door all the way and she got out again. So he drove around the neighborhood and found her. Damn cat!

Around 7:30 yesterday evening the power went out all over the south side of town. Uncool. I didn't want to just sit around in the dark so I ended up hanging out at Perkins until close. By the time I got back the power was back, thank God, because I'd just bought a bunch of fruit and veggies and they were EXPENSIVE! However, I woke up around 4 AM this morning and it went off again. Really lame.

So yeah. That's life in a nutshell. I work today from 11 to 5 then I'm staying at Shan's for the night. Tomorrow I work from 5 to 11 and Sunday I work 7 to 11. Finally Monday I work 11 to 5 and then it's time to celebrate the 4th. So it'll be a busy few days.

La de da. More soon!

Another Grand Weekend!

2005-06-27T18:19:00.000-05:00

Back to you
It always come around
Back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me

Oh man, I am so tired right now but I had such a great weekend. I truly wish that I wish still there, I really didn't want to leave. Too bad I have a life back here.

Dustin and I left for Hayward just before 7PM on Friday and it wasn't a bad drive at all. We made fairly good time and it was nice to drive and listen to music and read. The car ride actually flew by, something that doesn't generally happen too often for me because usually I'm in such a rush to want to get somewhere that it seems to take FOREVER.

Friday night when we got to the house we sat down at the bonfire with my parents, Ryan and Lindsay. We all drank a little and roasted hotdogs and it was really nice because I wasn't at all worried about Dustin getting along with my folks. I could run up to the house and leave him with them and not fret about it being uncomfortable for anyone. Already my parents like Dustin and he's so easy to get along with it's not like I ever have anything to worry about with him. He's not the kind of charmer Rich is; sometimes with Rich I felt like he was trying a little too hard to impress. With D I always know he's just being himself and not pushing for anything.

Dustin slept in the guest house which is looking AWESOME. It's part of the off the house garage that my folks have (there's also a two car attached garage). They put up a wall so that there's a little sitting area and then a bedroom. It's really nice, they just need to get better lighting. So that night Dustin slept in the bed in the guesthouse and Ryan slept on the couch while Lindsay was in my brother's room and I was in the guest room in the house. Dustin picked out a book to read (I know, Dustin READS BOOKS... it amazed me too) and we both hugged and said goodnight. The one thing I was sad about was not getting to cuddle with him at night, something I've grown fairly accustomed to.

On Saturday we lazed around. Mom made Dustin and me French toast and then we put on our swimsuits and went for a ride in the boat. We came back and hung around in the sun reading for a bit and then Ryan came home from work. We all went back on the boat to sun and swim. It was SUPER nice, I had so much fun just chillin and what not.

Aunt Mary, Crystal, Crystal's boyfriend Chris, and Andrew ended up coming to the house that night. The funny thing is that Aunt Mary is ALWAYS backing out when Mom invites her out but suddenly she called and wanted to show up. Kinda lame but whatever. They showed up just as we were getting ready to go to Dun Rovin, the restaurant my brother works at, for dinner. So they stayed at the house while we went for dinner.

After dinner we came back and made s'mores at another bonfire and had a few drinks. Then us kids went up to the house to watch Matchstick Men, a move that ended up being really good. Afterwards we were all exhausted so we ended up going to bed. Dustin came and tucked me in, gave me a kiss goodnight, and headed back to the guesthouse.

Sunday was kind of an icky day so we went into town and wandered around for a bit. We then came back where Dustin and I kinda sat around playing Scrabble and what not. We played a little bocce ball with Crystal and Chris (who kicked our asses) then had dinner. I ate like crazy this weekend, probably because I haven't been eating very well for the last month.

After Aunt Mary and the cousins left Dustin and I settled down to watch a move with Mom and Dad. Ryan was at work and Lindsay had already left. So we watched the movie and goofed off. When the movie was over D and I went downstairs to watch another movie. Afterwards I walked him to the guesthouse and we cuddled and kissed and... yeah.

I just had so much fun, it was so good to get to hang out with Dustin all weekend and just goof off and be silly. I'm so happy my folks like him so much, Mom even gave him a hug goodbye. It was sweet to walk through town holding hands or to lean against him when we were watching a movie. I liked the little kisses he'd give me or when he'd tickle my foot to get my attention. Oh... I think I'm falling for him. And for once I'm not that scared anymore. Maybe I'm even learning to trust him.

I'm so tired. And I'm not looking forward to my work week. I'm going to go relax and finish reading my book. More soon!